Well dry your eyes and your diaper because it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the end of Teenage Mother Part Deux: Part I. I for one am celebrating by taking a shot of Pitocin every time someone tries to fight back the Dr. Drew tears. I suggest you do the same. And, yes, I’m talking about taking shots of Pitocin and crying. I think we’ve all really grown up since the first season and I include Dr Drew in that statement since he’s finally decided to sport a collared shirt with is “blazer” instead of his Bob’s Discount over-sized-no-brand-t-shirt. It’s pretty nice that Drew can take time away from his other show that ends up killing people to try and help these white trash bags who birthed a baby and made bank thanks to the crew at MTV. Is it just me or is anyone else hoping that Janet will plop her ass on the couch and bust out the fan like Kenya Moore during the Real Housewives Reunion and bust out a few off-key notes of “I’m Gone with the Wind Fabulous” whilst Barb snakes in the background chanting, “Now twirl, twirl, twirl, twirl.” Oh. Just me? Yeah I figured.
Jenelle – Well I mean WTF (Why That Face)!? Jenelle kicks things off looking tanned and pissed. Or like she pissed on her tan. Either way, urine cocktails for everyone! Jenelle’s segment is a complete downer, which is opposite of the uppers that she was taking on the regular. Our poor new boobed Jenelle is crying watching her clips because it’s probably the first time she had any memory of what she did for the past 3 months. I mean, sure, she could scroll through her old Twitter messages, but Big J doesn’t seem like the type who’s into reading words in any kind of logical order. It was sad to see her relive her fight with Gary that apparently almost took her life. Pinocchio? People only strangle you when you burn the roast or your period disrupts sex. Other than that it’s basically just a game of “the tickles.” Jenelle seems to think that if Gary really loved her he would have never strangled her. I’m like, put it on a t-shirt, pouty. After playing “hot hands” with Jenelle’s neck Gary was kicked out of the military and will not be unable to fight crime in North Korea or look for Bin Laden’s hologram, which I hear performs a medley of greatest hits in the auditorium of Tajikistan High School of the Performing Arts & Missiles. His rendition of “Shoop” is certainly a crowd pleaser to say the least.
I’m not sure we ever really knew how bad it was with Jenelle, Special K, and The Drugs. I jest. We did as we have functioning eyes. Evidently Kieffah was actually shooting up Jenelle with Heroin because she didn’t know how to do it herself. Ugh, can she not apply herself to anything in life? It’s like get goals and get ’em quick. At one point Special K shot her up and she passed out only to wake up later asking what happened and Kieffah relied, “Oh that just happens sometimes.” I squealed with delight when Dr Drew responds with, “Yeah that does happen all the time…it’s called an overdose…and many people die from it.” I think Jenelle thought she coined the phrase or some junk. Jenelle finally had enough of “da drugs” and woke up at 5am and called Super Barb to come and rescue her once and for all. Even though Barb hadn’t spoken to Jenelle for 3-weeks (lucky) she picked her up and detoxed her with a recipe of sugar water, Juicy Fruit, and a whole lot of yelling. Fine, I made that last part up.
Finally after about 10 minutes of tears and Jenelle answering all her questions with her eyes closed, Barb enters our lives potentially for the last time. She is wearing a royal blue blazer, which I can only assume is sponsored by Walmart, and a traditional “Nothing Compares 2 U” black turtleneck. I thought she would have started with, “It’s been several hours and 15…days” but, alas, she did not. Barb basically tells us everything we already know, with the exception of Gary being a big alcoholic that liked to treat Jenelle like a pinata. Barb seems so proud that she knew Gary was trouble but, uh, why didn’t she step in sooner? I blame everyone. I blame you for reading this. I blame me for writing this. I blame Woodsie Owl for even giving us the idea of polluting in the first place! I did, however, feel a bit bad when Barb was choking back tears saying that she thought Jenelle was going to be dead, but my sorrow turned into confusion when I’m pretty sure Barb just kept repeating, “I thought Kieffah was going to give her a hot shot and she’d be dead.” A “hot shot?” Is that a thing? Should I Ask Jeeves it to find out? Eh, never mind. I’ll just take Barb’s explanation as Gospel definition. Even though Barb saved Jenelle’s life for the 9th time (meow) she still isn’t ready to hand over custody of Jace to her. Jenelle cries because, well, it’s her body’s way of looking for drugs, but she also cries because she set up Jace’s room “and everything” so he can sleep over. Is throwing a pilly Transformers bedspread over an Aero Bed really “setting it up?” Who’s to know? All I do know is that Barb is willing to let Jace sleep over from Thursday to Saturday, but Jenelle doesn’t believe it. Dr Drew, however, assures Jenelle that he’ll “hold her to it.” I think Barb just got a bit of the vapors when Drew said that. He better watch out for Pirate Mike’s left hook…and I mean that literally. Like, I think his left hand was replaced with a hook of some sorts. Either way, as much as this reunion briefly updated us it’s not the full update because I’m almost certain that since this was taped Jenelle had been arrested a handful of time, may have gotten pregnant, got married, got divorced, and still never got Jace. I said it before and I’ll say it again, “24-hour Live Streamed Jenelle Helmet-Cam.” It’s the only way we’ll ever really be fully up-to-date.
Kail – Aaaaand enter Suzi’s daughter. Someone has been taking mommy’s pills apparently because Kail is not having any part of this conversation with Dr. Drew. Maybe he reminds her of one of Suzi’s ex-boyfriend’s who tried to possibly play naked Twister with her? Allegedly. I also want to go on record to say that I think MTV and Bravo should combine both the hair of Kail and Kyle from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to cover half of the United States when storms are-a-brewin’. You totally know that the end of Kail’s hair has to be covered in feces. Gross #2! Anychins, Kail spills the beans that Jo hasn’t been paying child support for the past two months and she’s pretty pissed over it. She’s so mad that can barely even talk about Vee(gina) and the disdain she holds for her.
Drew starts asking Kail about why she doesn’t care for Vee(gina) and I guess it’s over the fact that there was a picture of Vee on the Interwebs smoking pot out of a gas mask. I mean. Drew asks the questions we really want to know like, “How do you smoke pot out of a gas mask.” Suddenly this is turning into a Martha Stewart “how to” segment. For those of you who want to see that picture…you’re welcome:
I mean I’m not sure what’s worse…the Lindsay Lohan “peace fingers” sign, the diddler blue tiled bathroom circa 1979, or the bottle of Joop over the toilet. How this one didn’t get “in a womanly way” when she was a teenager is beyond me. Anyway, Kail is so pissed at Drew over the fact that he’d compare Vee(gina) smoking pot to Kail smoking a few times in the past. He actually has a point, but I’m not one to agree with those who sport Mr. Potato Head hair pieces. And did you notice how Kail was like, “I stopped smoking pot when Issac…I mean…when I found out I was pregnant.” Right. She probably stopped smoking pot when Suzi wrestled the join out of her lioness hand.
Later Jo comes out for his national television appearance wearing a hoodie. So, well, that’s cool. He too doesn’t understand why Kail is all 6’s and 7’s over Vee(gina) and I’m pretty sure she’s about to “shake” Dr Drew’s head just like she did to poor pequito Javi. Awww. Ouch. The good news is that these two haven’t hooked up since Kail’s hair was only 1 inch above her ass. So, like, a long long time ago. The bad news is that Dr Drew is going to try and get Kail and Vee(gina) to become lifelong friends. Kail is apprehensive but regardless Vee(gina) comes walking and shaking out on stage like the 4th member of Danity Kane. You know the one. I actually feel bad for her because she’s shaking whilst she’s talking like that girl in your class would always do when it was her turn to present her project in front of everyone. Kail is busy sassin’ at Vee and Jo is just sitting there all quiet like. It would have been the perfect time for Janet to do the worm across the stage, topless, and grind up on Dr Drew saying, “Who me a tease? Brother please. You’re just havin’ bad memories about some skeeze who did the squeeze and had you on your hands and knees. Look, I am telling you, straight out, that’s not what I’m all about. I’d just be playin’ myself out if I spent the night at your house. Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t mean to turn you on. We haven’t known each other long, but this is my life not just a song.” So, yeah, she’d say that to him. I have to admit I’m really going to miss letting my imagination run wild and putting Janet into all of my favorite old 90’s raps and whatnot. Tip your 40.
In the end, Kail has had enough of the third degree from Drew and she storms off the stage saying, “F*** this. You all suck. How do I get out of here?” That’s always my favorite part when people storm off a reunion show. They’re all tough and then you see them slapping at the curtain to find the exit. Had she spent that much time looking for a condom perhaps she wouldn’t be in this pickle right now. With about 2 minutes left she comes back to the stage because Javi is sitting there and Dr Drew needs to pretend he cares to ask him question. He may have asked one. Javi may have answered. I’m not sure. I was thinking of Janet doing a side-kick jump on top of a giant orange in the “I Like Big Butts” music video. Simpler times.