How the hell long have I been gone for? Do these girls still own their babies or have they given them up to kind white-folk in exchange for self-tanner contraptions and an endless supply of candy cigarettes? I hope everyone of you had a great Christmas and New Year. If there are other holidays during that time I an unaware because my Jesus tells me other holidays don’t matter so much. He also let me know that Santa is actually a skinny Indian woman. Who knew? Either way, since it’s been a spell why not click here and follow me on my Facebook page so that we can be bound together for life…or until I hit 5,000 friends and Facebook shuts me down.
Jenelle – Well a lot has changed since I was on hiatus like the cast of Friends over the summer. Sure. Jenelle is back on her meds and, well, that’s about it. Actually that’s not it. Jenelle and her friend both have permed their bangs and decided to meet up at some restaurant that’s the kind of low-class place that has a screen door. You know the kind. At this point I’m pretty sure Jenelle just places ads on CraigsList to find some Captain Rando to sit across from her whilst MTV films Jenelle whine about the latest problems in her life. Either way, this chick looks like she already hates Jenelle and if she has any memory of her I’m sure there is some grudge she holds as I would assume Jenelle probably tried to kidnap her and sell her into slavery in exchange for “the damn weed.” Anyjunk, this bricks is here because Jenelle needs to tell someone that her relationship with her live-in almost-sorta-boyfriend, Josh, isn’t really going as wonderfully as she originally planned. That seems kind of odd because I was always under the assumption that bipolar people off their meds made very rationale decisions. I mean just look at Britney Spears. She was off her meds and got really good at umbrella handling. Oh, and a short time later she was being paid $15 million dollars to say, “I think that was good” into a microphone for 8 weeks on the X-Factor all whilst a large awkward looking Kardashian walked back and forth across a stage and read from a teleprompter next to AC Slater. To sum up, I may have hallucinated all of this. Moving on, Jenelle thinks that Josh is immature and thinks everything is “funny all the time” when things “really aren’t funny.” Odd. With Jenelle’s sunny disposition you’d think she’d like to laugh on the regular. At one point, the curly CraigsList killer sitting across from Jenelle spouts out some attitude in regards to Barb thinking she is Jace’s mother. Please. Barb is Jace’s mother and father. She’s his sister and brother. She’s his Captain and Tennille.
Later, since the cameras are up, Jenelle decides to take Jace to the pumpkin patch so she can spend some time with him and he can take 3 minutes to try and put a face with the name. When they get back to Malibarb Barb’ies Beach House she is greeted by both Barb and Pirate Mike. It’s tremendous to see those two crazy kids trying to mend fences. Somewhere in North Carolina I’m sure a Hooters waitress is headless in a dumpster right now. Most likely the corpse is being used as a blanket by Keiffah (Mr. Disrespectful there). I don’t even know what’s happening at this point except that Jace is barking at everyone and they’re all barking bark. As one would. Even Pirate Mike gets into the game and gives out a giant “Grrrrr” which I believe is also the standard mating call for Barb. Since she typically looks like she’s in heat I’m sure she’s down for a game of “Slice the Walmart Deli Meat.” My favorite parts, of course, is when Barb is slurring the hell out of her conversation with Jenelle. She starts with, “How’s yaw moods swings goings?” It’s like, slow down on the extra “s’s” Barb! I’m kidding. Add more. And whilst you’re at it, add me on Facebook. Of course the conversation gets heated because Jenelle is just about ready for her own personal 5150 and Barb ends it by yelling, “You know WHAT!?!” and then just says, “Bye” in a soft voice. How Barb doesn’t have her own line of talking greeting cards at Hallmark is beyond me.
Jenelle made it seem like that was a “heated fight” but that is just the cost of doing business at Barb’s casa-de-crazy. The whole Classless Bunch was supposed to take Jace out for the day, but Jenelle is sick per usual and is in bed. She seems to think it’s just her meds not working yet, but Josh spills the beans to Barb that she may have added some meds to already prescribed meds. Basically she’s on enough medication to remove the freckles from your standard Lohan child. Barb is pissed because she’s all dressed up in a summery white flowing skirt and no place to go. Although Josh is saying he’ll still go with them and even Pirate Mike looks like he’s into this threesome that the Universe has just set up. You can see the look on Barb’s face that says, “Well God damn if I knew I’d have two of yous I would have raked the backyard.” Although the sexy times are short-lived because Barb wants to get back into that house and start it up with Jenelle. This is so second nature to Barb that she just yells towards Jenelle, “What, you drink on those pills?” Soon after Jenelle is crying in the fetal position so I’d say she’s handling everything well. Barb finishes their “talk” by saying, “Every bloody week we gotta disappoint Jace.” I’m thinking the use of the word “bloody” was a shout out to Barb’s British fan base. Well played, Barb, well played. Also, bangers and mash. I once knew a girl with that nickname. She is “el prostitute” now.
In the end, Jan-Jan has her 10th nervous breakdown of the season and her 27th breakdown since MTV has been filming her and she cries and claims she just wants to spend time alone with Jace. Yuck, creepy. It’s times like this that I really ponder, “WWKD.” I mean, besides wheeze glitter out of her busted crotch.
Leah – Hey y’all I’m in the trashiest love triangle food stamps can buy, y’all! Leah is in quite the county fair pickle because her beaver-woodchuck-mix ex-husband wants to quite possibly get back together, yet she’s now in a relationship with some dude she “met on Facebook.” Either way, she’s bound to wind up dead. Inside, that is. It’s a new year and a new me! I jest. I’m still as horrible as before, just more well rested. Leah and her rack decide it’s time to tell Jeremy what Corey texted her the other night. Now since Jeremy seems he’s the brain-twin of Corey, I’m thinking it’s taking a couple of seconds to really sink in. Either that or, like me, he’s trying to figure out why Leah says “try” like that. It’s like there’s just one “y” not 15 “i’s” followed by 10 question marks. After some awkward looks, Jeremy finally says that there won’t be no more Jeremy if Leah tries to get back with Corey. Then he says he’s now nervous about leaving Leah alone for the week while he goes to work. Really? Uh, isn’t he the one who lays the pipe for a living? See what I did there? Me neither.
While Jeremy is away playing real life Mario and Luigi, Leah decides to reach out to Corey to see if they should talk. Hopefully when that happens the girls pick up a couple of words because it would really help with constant whining that comes out of them on the regular. I’m kidding. They’re the sweetest girls this side of the Mason-Dixon and look just like Nana. I think the perfect place to talk about their “future” is at Corey’s trailer whilst they sit on a couch covered with multiple quilts that are most likely hiding “time of the month” stains and in front of wall to wall wood paneling. I mean they could sit in silence and simply look around and the Magic 8-Ball question of their future is all around them. Just like poor grammar and low ambition. In a split second, Leah pretty much makes the decision that she wants to get back with Corey. She must have been hypnotized by his camo trucker hat string blowing the ceiling fan (puke) wind. This quickly turns into a “teaching moment” because Corey counts with his fingers how many months it’s been since their divorce was final y’all. Thank God the timeframe was just 6-months because had it been 11-months it’s a safe bet to say he’d be pantless, pointing at his ding-dong, and shouting “11?” All that math must have been too much for Corey to handle because in an instant Corey has second thoughts and isn’t sure if this is what he wants because he’s scared.
Later, Leah and Corey meet up to “exchange the girls” with each other. No comment. Anyway, they decide to talk once again in Corey’s truck where all adult decisions are made (with the exception of condom wearing during the intercourse). Corey is still not 100% sure what their future will be like and Leah is starting to see that this may not be the best decision for her. Lucky for her she has Jeremy laying pipe somewhere across town waiting for her to call him so he can, well, lay the pipe. I’d just like to go on record that since I learned he works with pipes I will not be stopping any “laying the pipe” jokes. Thank you for your attention to this detail. Moving on. Corey can’t see what to do or what to decide and at one point he just says, “I wish they never invented divorce.” Right. Makes sense. Right after Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin he moved right on to inventing divorce. Leah decides that she needs some advice from her mom and mom’s husband-brother-uncle about what she should do. Her mom sits in silence, but Uncle Kracker seems all pissed off. It’s like, relax dude, you’re not her real dad…you’re still in the running to be the future baby daddy.
Kail – The Cowardly Lion is heading off to Austin, TX to see if the great Wizard is willing to give her some courage and just a hint of a chin. Strapping on her Audrina Patridge “The Hills” cosutme hat she’s ready to hop on her 10 seater plane and pray to sweet baby J (Janet) that her arse isn’t big enough to take down this puddle jumper in an ode to Aliyah. Ugh R.I.P. What a terrible August day that was. What could have been. She was the Patsy Cline of our generation…except not country and not white. Other than that, same/same.
Anychin, Kail (sometimes pronounced “Kay-elle”) heads off to Austin and is greeted by her cousin who is sporting some Suzanne Somers hair and what I can only guess to be carefully hidden FUPA. She speaks sort of high and is acting like she barely knows Kail, which I’m guessing she really doesn’t except from sending her some Facebook fan mail. After their 25 second awkward conversation is over her cousin says, “Ok…well….take a nap….and we’ll go to dinner later.” I mean she flew to Texas from Pennsylvania, not New Zealand. Yeesh.
Later at dinner Suzanne and Kay-elle are chatting about all things camera worthy, like is she’s going to try and meet up with her dad while she’s visiting. Kail decides that since the last time she tried to spend time with him when she was 6-months pregnant he had no teeth and asked her for $20 dollars, she decides to pass this time around. No teeth and looking for money? What I wouldn’t give to see what it was like the first time he and Suzi met and which gutter they conceived Kail in. As soon as my time machine is completed that’ll be my first stop. Suzanne is telling Kail about all the wonderful things to see and great opportunities that Austin has to offer. She then asks Kail what she’d like to do and Kail decides that she’d like to ride a mechanical bull. Something tells me she’s the same person who will purchase and wear the foam headpiece and torch from the Statue of Liberty whist visiting NYC. Either way, they both ride the bull and I like to pretend that Janet was dressed like the matador, holding the red sheet, and booty shaking while telling “toro! toro!” Ahh the dreams I’ll have tonight.
In the end, Kail meets up with her half-sister that she doesn’t really know and this chick pretty much looks like Kail except shorter and gives her a ring as a present. That’s nice and not creepy at all. Apparently mini-Kail doesn’t talk to her dad either and so these three misfits decide they should be each others family on the regular. Kail really wants to move to Austin but isn’t sure if Jo and his family will go for it. Sure she’s having fun now, but once she has that screaming baby with her she can say goodbye to the bull and the blocks and blocks of fun bars. She’ll be in the same position as she in now…living in a converted Burger King, but this time she’ll be eating more tacos…one would assume.
Chelsea – Wants to meet her future husband taking the GED test. #DreamBigBricks