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Here’s the deal. I want to live in a world where only television shows about Barb Evans exists. For me, she is the new “Jersey” craze. I want middle-aged women with nun haircuts, horrible accents, and alcoholics fingers (and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about) to only appear on the talking picture box machine that I look at each and every night. In fact, someone make Barb into 3D. Thanks. However, until a world like this exists, I will be forced to share my time with some of the other characters on Teen Mom 2 too (also). Here’s what went down on another special episode of “Ye Old Teenage Mothers: Part Deux!”
Jenelle – What the hell happened after cameras stopped rolling last week? Outside of Jenelle’s friends house there are mattresses on the front lawn with all the stuffing ripped out of them like Barb went on a rabid humping spree and I’m pretty sure I saw a crashed car on their front lawn with smoke coming out of the hood. Seriously, this is like “landscaping” for these people. They’re like, “Hmmm something is missing to the right of the flower bed. Ah yes, more car crashes.” Worst. Ever.
As Jenelle is chatting with her friends, Blah and Blargh, they’re all trying to justify that she is a good mom and all agree that she just has her own parenting style. I love Jenelle’s parenting style. Does it have a name besides “Neglect and Carelessness?” If not, it should. And more importantly while this whole conversation is going on Barb is back at home taking care of Jase in that same friggin’ blue Smurf shirt that she was rocking last week. She’s like the Marge Simpson of Teen Mom 2.
It’s the day of the big court date and Jenelle will finally see her mom at the court house for the first time in over a week. Barb is looking fetching and is really committing to her whole “sleeveless look.” Looking at those guns you can tell that she spends a lot of time picking up a child. The Defense rests. As a sidenote, on the way to court Jenelle’s friend who is driving may or may not be high as a kite. Somehow, though, he seems to be the expert on how things will go if you get a court appointed lawyer. Something tells me he’s lost a case or two in his day for shoplifting condoms and cartons of Camels at the local pharmacy.
Once at the court house whilst lounging in the lobby Barb stares down Jenelle and then from about a good 12 seats away she asks her how she’s going to get a lawyer. Jenelle, who I’m sure spends enough time during the day laying on the couch watching Springer where about 3 out of 4 commercials are for hiring personal injury lawyers, states that all she needs to do is pick up the phone and hire one. Oh is that it? Typically when I pick up the phone there’s a dial tone, but apparently when Jenelle picks up the phone there just happens to be a lawyer waiting on the other end. Que Suerte!
The “next day” Jenelle and her hair of many color changes is hanging out at her friend Amber’s (no, not her…another Amber) house. Well, if truth be told she’s hanging outside of Amber’s metal house and, well, they’re…um…well they’re sitting on living room furniture that is um…it’s uh…it’s technically on the front lawn and I’m pretty sure the cushions are soggy from the recent rain and, well, it’s pretty much like they have permanent swamp ass.
At the lawyers office (who is not Star Jones, which sucks) the lawyer talks to Jenelle about the fact that the court typically frowns on mothers who drink and use drugs. Jenelle somehow thinks she’s in the clear because the only drug she ever uses is marijuana and she claims that she would get clean if she got full custody of Jase. Sure. That seems like a rational decision and one to state on camera. After her “pep talk” from the lawyer we learn that the lawyers retainer is $5,000 and then it’s $200/hr on top of that. She should totally call up Farrah and see how much John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt is or even see if she can get a referral from April, as we know that lawyer was only going to charge $1500 to spring Butch from “the ‘hab.”
Since Jenelle can’t afford any lawyers that cost over $9.99 she hatches a plan to call Barb and ask to come back home. There are, however, rules that she must follow like helping out around the house and not threatening to beat the bag out of her mother because if she does Barb will kick her out and will never allow her to return again. Although the camera crew is always welcome and there is a fantastic coffee cake provided by Kraft Services…but that’s another story.
Jenelle finally moves back in and I’m pretty sure that Barb’s boyfriend looks like he wants to sock her in the face with an open fist. After Jenelle is there for about 4 seconds, Barb decides to put Jase to bed and then she says a line that I’d like to play on a loop if at all possible. She snaps on some ceiling pictures and yells out, “Ohhhh look at those fishies up theeeah!” Well played, Barb, well played. Even though Barb is letting Jenelle stay in the house again she still thinks that it’s best if she take care of him because if she was to take Jenelle back to court they wouldn’t give her custody. Oh really? We couldn’t tell. And, not for nothing, but Jenelle could have at least tried to show her mom that she was trying to be better by changing his diaper and putting him to bed. I mean, I don’t know why I’m getting involved but I feel like, for some reason, that I have a vested interest in this matter. Plus, Barb is the balls.
Kailyn – Seriously why are we even bothering recapping any of these other girls? Nothing that great really ever happens and plus they can never have my heart like Barb does. But, fine, I’ll do it. Kailyn, her baby, and boyfriend/baby-daddy/ex-boyfriend Jo are all heading out to the towns public (puke) pool. Public pool? Why not just drink a strangers diaper and call it a day? These two characters are fighting the entire time, including such topics as where to park, where the pool is located, and why can’t Jo see it once he’s in the parking lot. I mean, they’re like Amber and Gary, but on Valium.
Since their relationship isn’t working out (I assume Kail is getting confused if Janet is actually Jo due to her overly thick Lauren Conrad-like mustache) Kail decides to go out on a date with that dude from Sports Authority. His name is Jordan. He’s basically a caveman. Their date takes place at a the local diner (shocker) and their meal consists of french fries. Ooo la la! French cuisine! Ole! Jordan wants to know if Kail thinks that dating with a baby is awkward. Um yeah. That’s not so bad, but dating with a baby whilst on camera trumps that. By the way, Jordan is moving way to fast for my liking. He already wants to meet the baby and hang out with him. It’s like hey diddles diddle we’re going to need to perform a background check on you before you start proactively changing diapers, ok?
Later Kailyn meet up with her friend on that random swing in the front of Jo’s parents house (you know, the one in that open field) to talk about her new and exciting (yawn) dating life. Kailyn says that Jordan is kind of dumb and her friend (who looks like Deena from Jersey Shore without the tan and the Ed Hardy sponsorship) says that sometimes dumb people are fun because they don’t know any better or what’s going on. If that wasn’t so dead-on accurate I’d be insulted.
Now Kail is turning into a little sneak and having Jo drive her to that park/public pool so that she can meet up with her Jordan and he can gawk over the baby. As soon as the baby starts crying Jordan looks like he’s ready to book the hell out of there. Feets don’t fail me now! My advice for him? Hang in there buddy because if this season goes well you could get a possible t-shirt deal out of this like good old Gary from the original Teen Mom.
Up next, Kail heads over to her friends house so that she can apparently to handstands against the wall and come crashing down most likely due to the weight of her side ponytail pulling her down. However, Kail is there to do more than just circus tricks. She wants some advice on how to tell Jo that she’s now dating Jordan. Her one friend, Dumpy Drawers, brilliantly suggests that she simply update her Facebook status from “single” to “in a relationship.” Really? How old are you? Oh wait…how old am I? Kill yourself, but kill me first.
In the end, by the time Kail gets home to Jo’s house he and his family have all seen her Facebook status update and are less than thrilled. Jo’s mom seems so mad that she can barely comb down her mustache. And his dad is one comment away from throwing in a z-snap and a twist! They all are basically calling Kailyn out on how crazy she is and how she’s just creating new problems instead of solving the old problems. Seriously, she’s a nightmare and Jo’s family are nice enough to let her stay in their kick-arse house (for free) even though she’s acting like a skanky-little-minx. She should just move back in with her cracktastic mom and see how that goes…not for her, for me.
Chelsea – I mean where do we even start with this one? Stop tanning. You’re officially tangerine. Chelsea and her roommate Megan are having a conversation about Chelsea still having feeling for her “baby daddy.” They’re talking about whether your heart controls your brain or your brain controls you heart. Seriously, I’m not listening to either of these two as apparently they’re not even smart enough to use condoms.
Meanwhile, Chelsea is over at her dads house complaining that she’s having a hard time finishing school. Her dad, who pays for her house, says that if she doesn’t finish school he won’t continue to support her financially and she’ll end up having to get a job in which she’ll have to say (mockingly) “you want fries with that?” Well don’t you dare. April and Butch aspire to land power-jobs like that. Now you think about that and alter your behavior.
What’s up with Chelsea’s red Volkswagon Beetle? Yuck. You totally know she has a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror which will be replaced with her graduation tassel if she ever graduates. And I bet the inside of her car smells like Katy Perry’s cupcake bra and Ke$ha’s ripped fishnets. Slizzled.
The rest of her scenes (or all of her scenes) are a big snoozefest. Adam ends up coming over to suddenly see the baby for the first time in almost 9-months. Yeah he’s there because the cameras are there. Funny how that seems to go hand-in-hand with seeing the baby. He wants to work things out and because Chelsea has low self esteem and hides behind her big hair and ultra tanned face she will most likely get back with him. Megan tries to be the voice of reason and tell Chelsea that she thinks it’s a bad idea if they get back together because of all the stuff that Adam has done to her in the past. She’s like a scorned lesbian lover. It’s like keep your nose out of her business and just focus on getting yourself pregnant (check!) and perfect your audition tape to MTV. Those things should be your priority right now.
Leah – I mean what do you want me to do with this one? You think I’m going to be making jokes when her baby is having serious medical issues. Thanks MTV for finding new and inventive ways to kick me in the nuts whilst watching. As we all know, one of the twins has something wrong with her legs and possibly her hands where she can’t seem to stand up and put any pressure on her feet/legs. In fact, the baby doesn’t really even hold Leah’s hand at all either. Sad and scary. Her mom, who’s a nurse, seems pissed that Leah is even asking her if she should take the baby to go see a doctor. Good Lord I can’t make any jokes. It’s like I’m shutting down. It’s like I’m stuck in a prison of wet curl jokes and that’s all I can go with.
Later, Leah calls Corey to let him know about the baby and the doctors appointment. Is it just me or is it weird that cameras “just happen” to be on Corey while he’s at his house talking to to Leah about something so important? Like the phone just happened to ring while the cameras were on him? I smell a little Hills craftsmanship on this one.
Since Corey can’t make it to the doctor appointment because he has to work his mom goes along with Leah for support. They take an x-ray and the doctor knows that something is pretty much not right so he says the baby is going to need an MRI on her entire spine. That sucks. He seemed less than sympathetic to this situation. It’s like have some compassion you dead-inside-prick.
In the end, Corey and Leah decide to put all of their drama aside and just focus on the baby and being strong for her. It must be so tough to be a teen mom and to have to deal with this too at any age must be horrific, but especially when so young must suck. As a sidenote, is it odd that Corey cries over cornbread cakes and Hallmark cards, but not this situation? If he cried in this episode he would have been 3 for 3. Such a let down.
Episode Two Rating: 2 out of 4 Crying Farrah’s