Leah – Welcome back to the crossover episode where Intervention meets Hoarders, you know, mixed in with a little Judge Judy of sorts, y’all! In case you were wondering if Leah’s kids were still hungry or thirsty from last episode…they are. This week Ali Shamanty with the blond hair is hanging on the refrigerator handle screaming that they don’t have anything to drink in this house. You know what a fun game to play is? The Pause game. That’s when the refrigerator door is open and you pause your television to see all the wondrous foods that are inside. Oh, and if you count 4 cans of instant cheese you win $25,000 in cash and prizes. It’s a real hoot. Either way, Blondie McStuffins is basically building her case to be taken the hell out of that house so she screams about not having anything to drink and then opens the front door, walks down the stairs and ‘passes out’ on the front lawn. You totally know the one with the glasses was like, “Good! More high-fructose corn syrup for the rest of us!”
Leah is a wreck trying to figure out if she has to keep mothering all these kids or if Judge Judy is going to make them live with their respective fathers. I, on the other hand, am busy trying to figure out if all the green floors in Leah’s house are rugs from the 70’s or the kind of artificial turf they put down for mini golf. It’s hard to tell as there is just garbage and debris dispersed over almost every square inch. Speaking of too much debris, Chasity enters our lives for yet another week. I forgot to mention her last week and I was upset with myself for 7 days. I don’t want to let you all down when there is someone so golden on the talk-box y’all!
Chasity almost waddles into the scene and not because she’s a smidge overweight. I mean, who isn’t!? She’s waddling because her short shorts are so shoved up the old coochola (not to be confused with Coachella) and she’s probably afraid she’s going to slip on the banana peels that are most likely covering the kitchen floor. I have to say, Chasity is one of my favorite side-kick friends there is on Teen Mom. She’s always so intense and more times than not she’s not really making too much sense. She’ll say things like, “Do’s you thinks Corey gonna talks to lawyers since the kids?” And, of course, Leah totally understands and responds back. I assume this is the exact same way otters communicate right before they mate. It’s such a beautiful ritual. You know what else is beautiful? Those eyebrows. They’re shakily drawn in with what I can only assume is a ‘burnt sienna’ Crayola crayon. Chasity is basically saying to God, “Thanks for building me, but, you know what, I’ll just take it from here.” Also, I’m not entirely convinced she knows she’s shooting a television show. Or sporting perma-cameltoe.
Leah per usual makes things super awkward by calling her lawyer to see if Judge Judy made her ruling on who’s going to have primary custody of the girls. I also think Leah wants to see if she can also order a pizza through her at this time as well. Honestly it’s so awkward. Leah calls and is like, “Yeah so I was wondering if the judge made up his mind yet.” And the lawyer is like, “Uh, no we would tell you if he did.” And then Leah tries to just chit-chat with her like she’s her girlfriend. Leah’s all, “Isn’t it so weird it’s taking so long for him to make up his mind and stuff?” And then the lawyer just is all, “Alllright let me go, I’ll talk to you later.” End scene. What I want to know is what does the MTV camera crew think about these shenanigans and why don’t they break the fourth wall like they do on Teen Mom OG these days? It’s really a missed opportunity. I mean, I don’t want them to substitute producer conversation over convos with Chasity, but still it would be nice to see a little behind the scene eye-rolls.
Besides the girls, you know who else is over this show? Jeremy. Any time he’s on he’s there to legit just drop off his kid, he just peaces right on out. I don’t think he even says anything. He places his daughter on the couch, gives himself a tetanus shot and then walks right out the front door. Every time he brings back his daughter I feel like Leah has a look on her face that says, “Oh snap that’s right….I have three!” I sometimes wish she had a look on her face that said, “Oh snap that’s right…I own soap.” Alas, it never really happens. So, well, ring-around-the-collar for all!
In the end, Leah gives us classic Leah by calling up her sister and almost falling asleep mid-conversation. I missed that, really. She’s asking her sister to come over and take the girls for a while because she’s just ‘so tired.’ Her sister barely gives an F and you can tell by her response of “Yup” on the phone when Leah spews out that nonsense. After she hangs up she grabs a pilly blanket and a stained pillow and crashes hard on the couch. I’m sure that was a ton of fun to film. Meanwhile our favorite beaver, Corey, goes to his lawyer’s office (that may or may not be located in an old pizza place) and discovers that the judge has granted all of his wishes and he now has primary custody of the girls. His eyes fill up with tears and I was shocked as I wasn’t aware that beavers could cry. I love when I learn things post 10pm on a Monday night!
Jenelle – Oh hi Jenelle. This week Jenelle’s sidekick is also back, Tori. Was she the one from like season 2 that Jenelle used to fist-fight on camera whilst screaming she was a stupid b*tch? God I hope so. Either way, Tori and Jenelle are like the Lucy and Ethel of our generation if, you know Lucy and Ethel were ‘dead-behind-the-eyes-garbage-trucks.’ I don’t think they were at least.
Jenelle is having a real hard time with Kaiser because he won’t stop crying. At one point I thought she was going to just put him in the refrigerator to make him stop. Maybe he was crying because his mother was going to feed him fried hot dogs and he’d prob choke on them. Also, gross. Since the crying won’t stop Jenelle decides to just put him in his room, close the door, and walk away. The camera man was still in there so we get to see him continue to cry, so that’s awesome. There is not doubt in my mind that Jenelle is trying to hatch a plan where she calls up Barb and is just like, “No this one is yours too. Yes he is!” I wonder if Barb would just take him? Or maybe they could swap? It’s like, Barb raises them until they’re full-time in school and then Jenelle gets the good one. I think it’s a fine plan. Oh, and you know what was so interesting to me? When Tori and Jenelle were in her room sitting on her bed and Tori said something that made Jenelle laugh so hard. I’m talking she was doubled over laughing. It got me to thinking…and I’m not kidding…I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jenelle laugh before. For real. Has she? We may have seen her smile like 2-4 times in 7 years, but I’m almost certain we’ve never seen her laugh. For those of you playing along at home, stamp your Bingo card if you have the “Jenelle’s laughing” square because I’m pretty sure you’ve just won the ultimate game of Teen Mom Bingo.
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You know who’s losing at life right about now? Barb. She enters the episode about 5 minutes in, but only for about 30 seconds. It’s just enough to time for us to witness Jace throwing cars and junk at Barb as she begs him not too. I won’t be shocked if by the end of the season Barb is all tied up on the train tracks as Jace is laughing and combing his long and pointy mustache. No offense, but this is the kind of house that you don’t keep guns in because, well, why up the ante?
Since Jenelle is getting pretty f’n tired of being a full-time mom she’s having Nathan’s mom take Kaiser from Wednesday to Sunday. Nathan is ok with that and, in the end, he ends up taking Kaiser to Boston with Nathan’s girlfriend because apparently that’s her home town. Now, I squealed with delight because if you’ve been kicking around IBBB for the last 10 years you may know that even though I now live in NYC, I’m from Boston and go back regularly! The thought that I could be home and run into Nathan and possibly even Jenelle (because I assume she follows Nathan and his girlfriend there so she can beat the bag out of her in as many different states as possible) is almost too much for my little brain to contain. Thank you Jesus!
Jenelle is so pissed that Nathan and his giant head took Kaiser to Boston without ever telling her. I kind of don’t blame her and I certainly don’t care. What I do care about is the scene where Jenelle meets up with Barb and Jace for lunch. First off, what’s with the way Jenelle hugs Jace? She kind of side-hugs him like if she hugs him regularly she’s get stuck to him for life. Meanwhile, Barb is all reality-show-business and is there to stir up a little drama by bringing up to Jenelle that the last time they saw each other Jenelle wouldn’t let her into the house and yelled at her while Barb was out in the rain. She even brought up her own floral dress from last week. She’s soooo good with product placement! She’s just a wonderful reality show business woman! Sadly though, we learn that Jace has been hitting her and throwing toy cars at her on the regular. At one point I think she said that Jace hit her in the nose with a dog bone. So there’s that. Now look, I don’t know what it takes to be a parent, but is it wrong to tell a little boy that he’s bad? Barb and Jace keep saying to Jace, “Why are you so bad, Jace?” I actually felt bad for him. I know, even me. He tries to basically say that it’s Barb that starts this sh*t and the look he gives Jenelle kind of makes me believe him. Although, as you know, Barb can do no wrong in my eyes.
In the end, Jenelle and Tori finally pick up Kaiser and they realize that he has a haircut. Apparently that’s the end of the world because Jenelle calls up Nathan, screams at him for letting his girlfriend cut his hair, and then tells him she’s changing her number so if he ever wants to see Kaiser again he’ll take her to court. Well, I’m pretty sure that just secured them another season of Teen Mom. Also, why was Jenelle so bummed she wasn’t there for his first haircut? She missed like 7 years of “firsts” for Jace. Awww poor Jace.
Kail – How pissed would you guys be if I stopped recapping Kail? Honestly, it’s as boring to me as Chelsea. I’m basically just here for Jenelle/Barb and Leah. Alas, we learn that Javi may have to go overseas for 6 months for what I can only assume is the war. I’m not even sure if we’re in a war anymore. Are we? Are we still dealing with the Gulf War circa 1991? Is Javi trying to defeat ISIS? I mean if that’s the case send Barb over. I hear she packs a punch!
Since Javi may be deploying, Kail decides that they shouldn’t fight about stupid things since he’ll be gone for 6-months. She almost looked like she was trying to hide her smile during this conversation. Like she was free at last! And you know what’s strange? At the beginning Javi seemed like such a good guy…a bit of a wimp, but a good guy. Now it’s like all we do is have to deal with his b*tch-fits and his sass-a-frass attitude on the regular. Yawnsville: Population 1.
Vee is finally having that pesky baby. I was waiting for some sort of “Vee’s pushing that baby outta her V” joke but they came up with nothing. Issac is so excited to meet his half-sister. He’s a pretty funny kid. That car ride was actually pretty entertaining. But see what I mean? It’s all too good, which makes it so boring. Also, I’m convinced that Kail had 10 minutes of total air-time this week. There are legit 400 commercials. Moreover, I’m ok with all of this.
If there is another season I hope it centers around Kail and Javi calling it quits and/or Kail’s butt implants and face transplant she allegedly got. Now that is something I would recap all the live-long-day. Plus, toss in a cameo or ten by Suzi off the wagon and we got ourselves a show here people! Why MTV doesn’t make this stuff part of their contract is beyond me.
Chelsea – got a pumpkin.
Plus: Click Barb’s nose below to get some of her best quotes of all time!
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