Welcome back to another episode of “Teen Mom 2: Vag Today, Mom Tomorrow.” If you know someone who’s become brain-dead from reading these recaps, visit RespectIsNotLove.gov. Yeah, I turned it into a government agency…jealous? Here’s what went down last night with these teenage mothers (lite version due to me being on vacation).
Jenelle –It took a little while, but Jenelle finally figured out that the dashboard doesn’t tickle, especially when you’re tossed into it by your low-life booooyfriend. Therefore, she’s decided to break off her Disney princess-like romance with Queen LaQueefer and even reach out to Barb-o-Matic because now all her friends hate her. That’s strange because she’s so outgoing and friendly, you’d think she’d be the life of the party. You know things are tough when the white-trash Double-Mint Twins from the trailer don’t even want to associate with you anymore. I guess that’s what happens when you ruin their big bowling “night out” plans. Anyjunkee, Jenelle gives Barb a buzz to see if she can come back home and Barb, with her glorious voice says, “So, yaw gonna press chaaaaahges?” I would have been like, “What? I’m going to what? Full-court press on Chachi? Fine, I guess so.” Blessed Mother Barbara is going to need to take some time to think it over if her lil b*tch of a daughtaah can come on home and live under her roof with everyones favorite third roommate, Mike! So, it’s best if they meet up for dinner…at a place called “Mr. P’s” which must be “the poors” nickname for Papa John’s. Barb concludes her words of wisdom to Jenelle by saying that “No man should evaaah lay a hand on a woman.” She should have finished it off by saying, “…although a man should be allowed to pepper-spray a woman in line at Walmart on Black Friday because, well, it’s Black Friday so all bets are off!”
Later, Jenelle brings herself down to some fly-by-night police-type station where she can “press chaaaahges” against Special K. She’s telling the lady behind the counter, which I’m pretty sure was just a bank teller, that Keiffah kicked in the side of the car, pushed her into the ground, and wrestled her for her keys. Now I am “sans life” and I’m pretty sure I didn’t see any of that. Although, I’m sure I did dream at least some of it. When did this happen? At first I thought that Jenelle was just being a typical Pinocchio, but when the bank teller asks her if this is the first time she’s dealt with domestic abuse from Special K, she says “yes” but then is like, “well once he threw me into the car…” The bank teller was like, “Yeah, AnnaMae, that’s domestic violence too.” She should have have screamed “LoveisRespect.org” in her face until she puked computer keys. I have no idea. Anyway, we know that this is all official because the bank teller makes Jenelle swear on a Bible…just like Roz used to do it on Night Court.
Sidenote: What the hell was up with Jenelle’s friend who was sitting outside of a place called “Coffeehouse” and all pissed off and bitter that Jenelle hadn’t called her in many moons because she spent all her time with Special K? It’s like, realx sh*t for brains. I’m sure she’s extra pissed because she’s a white chick who’s dressed like a Harajuku Girl in a Gwen Stefani video circa 2005. I mean, she ain’t no hollaback girl. Besides, looks at her made my junk itch.
In the end we finally get to see Barb in the flesh. Hot, menopause-sweating flesh. While I was sad that we only got to see her in the last 5 minutes, it was totally worth it because both she and Jenelle were wearing orange sweaters. It was a little sad that Barb was too poor to afford the blue stripes to complete her authentic Ernie sweater, but maybe if she keeps slicing the deli meat she’ll be able to afford half the stripes by Spring. Barb ends up getting a little teary eyed when she learns that Jenelle has been sleeping in her car. She says, and I quote, “I don’t want you sleeping in yaw caaah. It’s cold!” At first I thought she being sincere but after she mentioned the cold I noticed her playing with the top of her turtleneck…just to rub it in that lil b*tches face! Jenelle and Barb decide that for the 46th time Jenelle is going to turn her life around and they shake on it. Shaking is good, but nothing beats a deli-meat-high-five!
Kail – Now that Kail has her new apartment paid for her by people like you and me, she’s ready to tell Jordan about it so that they can start banging on the regular. I hope they forget condoms and she shoots a baby out between her legs in 9-months. She should aim for the stork. Since her apartment is ready she needs to get all her crap out of Suzi’s House of Horror before 3pm because that’s when Suzi’s boyfriend gets home from work and I’m pretty sure by 3:15pm he’s fully in heat and ready to diddle those who lack courage…like the Cowardly Lion, you know, for instance.
It’s quickly moving day, because I don’t care about anything else that happened, and Kail has enlisted the help from some randoms. They end up wrapping up her television in a blanket with the wires still attached and are throwing clothes into a bag and tossing that junk into the truck like they’re burglars who give a damn. At one point I’m pretty sure I saw baby Issac in a box that said, “Do Not Bend.” The move quickly almost turns into an 80’s movie montage when the two helpers that are a horse of a different color start playing the guitar and singing. It’s like what I would imagine an episode of Webster to be like if they did like a Glee theme. I’m not even joking when I say I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about. I want to slap a 5150 on myself and go to bed chained or not chained to a stretcher. I’m not picky, it’s the holidays. Moving right along.
After Kail gets moved into her Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure, she decides it’s time to call Suzi and spill the pitocin that she basically robbed her and no longer takes up residence in the crack den. She’s moved on to bigger and better things…like a meth lab. Suzi seems confused on the phone by what Kail is saying but, then again, it is Suzi and she’s probably freaking out over the fact that voices are coming out of the phone. She suddenly has the sobering realization that her television is missing and needs Kail to bring it back on the double. Or maybe she just wants the TV back and wants a double? It’s hard to keep up with the tornado that is Suzi. Later she text messages Kail telling her that the remote control is missing and she needs that ASAP. My money is on the fact that Suzi is just in the wrong house.
In the end, Kail has to meet Suzi outside in the parking lot of her “job” to hand deliver the remote control. I’m surprised she didn’t put it down her pants and waddle back into her “office.” But, alas, she didn’t and she quickly turns into the Suzi Fidget Monster and lets Kail know that she’s pissed off that she moved out of the house like she was Harriet Tubman digging her way through the underground railroad. I hope this doesn’t mean we won’t be seeing more of Suzi SnowStains any time soon!
Leah – Hey ya’ll we’re back to listening to Leah try to do her voiceover without having it sound like she’s sounding out all her words. After Leah has put in nearly 4 shifts at the “Fix-Yo-Teef” office, she’s taking some well deserved time off. It makes sense because she needs to take Ali to go and get her MReeeeeeyyyye. Not for nothing but her new sidekick friend is about as bricks as Chelsea. She always asks the dumbest questions. This time around she wants to know why Ali needs an MRI and says (about her brain) “They can’t fix it? Why?” To which Leah (who’s nearly a doctor) says because they, “Can’t fix the brain.” Yeah, not in West Virginia at least! Zing!
When it’s time to take Ali to the hospital/woods Leah thinks that Ali seems depressed lately. I don’t blame her. She’s probably got a case of “the sads” because she’s living in a trailer with some random chick who has a weave worse than Britney Spears. Hell, I’d be withdrawn from society too! Once they all get to the hospital (and Leah gets her orange sweater cue from the producers), they get to meet with one of the doctors who, I sh*t you not, is named “Dr. Persilly” and actually says, “We’re doin’ this because of her little eyes?” I mean. Just roll the credits now because I am done. Done! I may have been rolling around on the floor kicking my legs from laughing so hard. Once it’s time to put Ali under it actually is a little sad, but that didn’t last long for me because the nurse asks Leah to sing to Ali whilst this is taking place. I immediately assumed they would request “Tardy for the Party” because I’m pretty sure the nurse thinks that Leah is, of course, Kim Zolciack. In the end, things got way creepy when they kept showing Ali unconscious and jamming tubes down her throat and then suddenly we were seeing all crazy moving images of her skull like it was some futuristic Light Bright from hell. Next!
Chelsea – I’m dumber for even typing her name. Am I done yet? Ugh. Randilicious can’t take Chelsea to get her knee amputated because he has to work, but he makes sure to make fun of her fat ass by saying, “You’re going to have to cut back on your jogging” and then he gives her the side-eye. That’s pretty cocky coming from a guy who looks a little like Jabba the Hut sinking into his sectional. But who am I to judge? Oh, that’s right, that’s what I do. Anyway, fast-forward before I Russell Armstrong myself, and Adam comes on over to get ready to take Chelsea off to surgery and play with Aubree for a few minutes. He does a great job, as he’s basically starts playing Circus of the Z-List Stars and somehow seems to throw Aubree across the room and she slams her head off the floor. You know what? If he’s going to make taking care of her alone let’s just get her picture ready for the milk carton now to save time. Cool?
After Chelsea has surgery on her knee (they need to replace it because apparently she spent too much time blowing Adam) she is a crying whining mess. So, you know, she’s doing swimmingly. By the way, why does Adam have finger tattoos? Any chance they happen to say something useful like, “Look For Work” or “For Picking.” Meanwhile, Aubree is losing her mind in the hospital, but that could be because she has a diaper on her head or because Adam called her a “bastard.” I’m not sure why Chelsea freaked out when he called her that because he was just calling it like it is. These goons make me yawn, like, a lot. So I’m going to stop here…but not before mentioning that Chelsea’s house looks like the set of Hoarders. Clean the place up you rusted dumpster!
Well that wraps that up. I would have written more, but like I said, I’m on a 2-week vacation and the thought of typing…or moving…gives me a case of the “sads” and the “yawns.” However, if you liked any part of this recap please click on the Facebook Recommend button and spread the word! While you’re at it, join me on my personal Facebook page where people seem to talk about Teen Mom no matter what I say. It’s creepy and fun all at the same time!