Teen Mom 2: The One Where a Human Beaver Raises Leah’s Kids, Y’all!

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Well here we are again.  It seems like just 7 days ago we all together.  Oh wait.  Math is tough.  Anyway let’s just get right into it. Who fought?  Who lost their kids?  Who isn’t a teen anymore?  I’ll answer none of that and less.

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Jenelle – Oh hi, Jenelle.  If you notice that there’s a partial smile on Jenelle’s face it’s because she’s filled the 1 week void of being single with landing herself a man.  This time around she met him on the dating app, Tinder.  Like, what do you do when you’re swiping your way to freedom and all of a sudden Jenelle’s mug shows up?  And what pictures could she possibly have on there?  I hope it’s the one with Barb screaming at her whilst Jenelle is down on the ground circa season 3.  You know the one. Either way, this really got me to thinking.  What if Barb was on Tinder?  For real, that would be the ultimate dream come true. I’m sure she’s not on Tinder, but do you know what I am pretty sure of?  She’s on Tindaaah.  Her profile is a pic from back in the day when she was being a real paaahhhy girl and hopefully in a sweet bikini or two piece number and I bet her little “about me” section says something like:

“Oh hi possible match.  Baaaahb heeeaaah.  I’m newly single and ready to put myself out there and paaahhy my ass off just like my lil b*tch of a daughtaaah did all those yeeeaaahs ago.  I’m a real fun gal who like to do things like slice up ham at the deli countaaah at Walmaaaht.  I also like cuttin’ my bangs daily, gelling my bangs daily, eatin’ hot dawgs and hamburgaaahs and drinkin’ my fair share of Zima’s.  Hit me up for a good time, you f***ing a**holes.”

End scene.

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I’m sure she’d be off the market before Jace can commit his 3rd felony.  Also, where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Jenelle is now dating some dude named David who has a daughter and apparently he doesn’t like Nathan, which is strange because I thought everyone liked Cabbage Patch Kids.  I guess I was sadly mistaken.  Jenelle claims she wants to take this new ‘relationship’ really slow so let’s all just assume that means that he won’t be moving in until around the 10:45 pm mark (tonight) and then it’ll be him, her and duck-lip-city all over Instagram and Snapchat.  (Also:  I bet Barb is on SnatchChat).

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I’d like to take a second to apologize to everyone for the above paragraph.  I was wrong.  I was wrong about David moving in around the 10:45 mark.  I’m pretty sure he’s probably already living with Jenelle, as they’ve already said they love each other during that creepy car ride with Jace and David’s daughter (after they picked out a Christmas tree together).  But don’t worry because David has already got Jace’s stamp of approval.  Jace said he liked David because he lets him have coke.  I was waiting for Barb to pop out of the back of the truck and be like, “Did someone say cooooooooke?!” and then cannonball into a frozen lake.  Please, you know it’s true.  Oh, and we also learn that Jenelle’s favorite restaurant is Olive Garden, so there’s that.  If that was in her Tinder profile no wonder why David snatched her up.  Hahah.  Snatch.  Ahh good times.

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Anyway, finally Barb shows that beautiful face of hers and she is, of course, in my favorite blue shirt.  She’s like a Smurf in heat and I love it.  The best thing ever happened in this scene.  Barb whips out a vape and goes, “Haha I’m vaping now!”  I mean if she isn’t the absolute best thing in the world/one of the zombies from The Walking Dead then, well, I just don’t know what she is.

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Jenelle brings David and his daughter (with Jace) to Barb’s so Barb can meet him and scare the ever-loving-shiz out of him within 14 seconds.  I have to say, David’s daughter is giving Barb a run for her money.  She pretty much “Oh hi Jenelle’d” Barb and it was wondrous.  David is so tall and Barb is so short that when she hugged him it looked like he was giving birth to her, which is my dream really.  Within 11 seconds she’s like, “Do you have a job?”  Way to cut to the chase.  David doesn’t really say ‘yes’ but he does say that he’s a  “welder by trade.”  Hopefully if that’s true he can weld Jenelle’s ‘gentleman greeter’ shut so she doesn’t spit out any more kids.

A major fight almost broke out between Jenelle and Barb because Barb wants to take Jace to “Ashville” on Christmas to see Jenelle’s brother.  No joke, the whole time I thought they kept saying “Nashville” which, quite honestly, makes more sense to me.  Either way after a round of “but that’s not fair!” from Jenelle they all agree that Barb will wake everyone up on Christmas morning at 4:30am (like the true Barb Claus she is) open gifts, and then they’ll all go to Ashville.  David agrees (because I’m not sure he knows where he is right now) and Barb just goes, “Oh you’re just so easy to get along with!”  For real, Barb seems like she’s shocked that this debate didn’t end with the police showing up for a surprise visit.  I was disappointed.

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In the end, Jenelle and David drive home, trash talk Barb, both admit they don’t want to go to Ashville-of-Horror on Christmas and agree that Barb isn’t Jace’s mother.  Jenelle just goes, “I mean, yeah, she raised him, but get over it dude.  Dude get over it.”  I’m at a loss.

Leah – Hey y’all it’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for.  The one where Leah finds out that she lost custody of her kids.  I really hope they tell her via  singing telegram.  Do they still have those? If so, someone get me one.  Leah’s all nervous and whatnot because she has an appointment with her lawyer the following day and still doesn’t know what Judge Judy ruled so she feels uneasy.  I’m sure the fact that this is all going to be filmed and an in-person meeting with the lawyer made her ponder the outcome just a smidge.  The girls have no clue what’s going on and Ali LaQuishacheeto Bonanza the II’d makes smalltalk by letting Leah’s brother-in-law know that she buried her hamster earlier that day so, well, it either died and that was nice/creepy or it was alive and she’s pretty much the serial killer I assumed she was.  I jest.  Of sorts.

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Leah is driving with her eyes half open and saying things like, “I don’t’s haves nones good feelin’s ’bout this and I ain’t stupid none.”   Nothing gets by her!  She drops the girls off in that highway offramp that she always does when it’s time to play a classic game of “Hot Potato” with Corey.  The one with the glasses is saying she has to go to the bathroom and so Corey is just like “Oh  yeah?” and then just places her in the car.  Enjoy the next 2-hour car ride with squishy pissy pants, Alicia Keys! Moreover, Corey is looking more and more like a mascot beaver on a farm league baseball team hat than ever before.  He’s like the Caitlyn Jenner of West Virginia, as he is transitioning.  Was that not clear?  Fabuuuuulous!

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Leah finally heads off to her lawyer’s office, which apparently is also almost on the highway.  Is anything in W. Virginia not on a highway?  The lawyer looks nervous and basically starts out by telling Leah that she thinks Judge Judy got things wrong…but then is like, “And anyway Corey is their new mom now.”  I actually feel bad for Leah, but happy that the girls will finally learn what a brush is.  So I’m internally conflicted.  But aren’t we all?  Leah actually looks pretty stoic during this conversation and almost perks up a little when she learns the judge will still let her drive the girls to cheerleading on  Thursday nights even though the new agreement is that she gets them from Friday – Monday.  Eh, partying on the weekend is for amateurs anyway.  Real party animals do it Monday – Wednesday.  I actually was pretty surprised the tears weren’t free flowing at all.

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In the end, Leah leaves the office and Chasity (drink!) is in the passenger seat and immediately plays the role of producer and asks Leah how she feels about all of this.  Leah kind of looks relieved to be honest.  Once they get home, I realize that Chasity is suddenly the voice of reason.  She’s telling Leah to call Corey and get this all sorted out and when Leah is like, “No way, I don’t agree with the ruling”  Chasity is like, “Uh it doesn’t matter you have to follow it anyway.”  I’m paraphrasing as I am no longer a court stenographer.  I couldn’t tell if Leah actually cared she lost her kids and then my mind was finally made up when she just said, “Well sometimes you just have to lose in life sometimes and this is the losses.”  Uhhh, ok?  Way to fight, trash heap!

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Kail – Ugh with this again.  At least this week there was a little more action for Kail.  She had to get creative and take matters into her own hands and start filming scenes with her smartphone.  We’ll get to that in a minute.  First up, Javi snitches out Jo by telling Kail that when he was at school with Issac, Issac kept itching his head, looked like he had bed-head, and was wearing a pajama shirt.  Apparently Javi was embarrassed by this.  So that embarrasses him, but not being on a show called Teen Mom where there’s footage of you screaming at your “wife” on the phone and throwing a b*tch-fit on the regular?  Either way, Kail is pissed that Issac is basically the new Pig-Pen of our generation and texts Jo to make sure he cleans him up moving forward.  That should go well.

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The texts aren’t the best, but then they talk on the phone and it actually goes ok.  I was impressed/falling asleep.  And just when you think everything is on the up-and-up, Kail makes a sneak attack visit at Jo’s (45 minutes early) to pick up Issac.  He isn’t ready and Kail starts freaking out and, in turn, Jo starts cussing her out.  Oh, did I mention that the MTV cameras weren’t there during that altercation?  Yeah, no they weren’t.  Luckily Kail used her phone and hid it while filming this herself.  I only wish she duct-taped a flashlight above Jo’s door so the lighting could have been a little better.  For now (until Suzi comes back on a bender) this is as close to COPS as we’re going to get.  Jo yells at Kail.  Kail yells at Jo.  Doors are slammed.  Issac watches from out the window.  And then Javi chimes in from the car (250 feet away from Jo) that he should take better care of his own kid and blah.  It’s really dysfunction at its finest.

In the end, Kail decides to talk to Issac about what happened and instructs him never to talk to other people the way his father talked to her.  I guess it was good she addressed it.  On the other hand, Jo is talking to Vee about what happened and it all became a blur to me because I was in a trance trying to figure out if Jo was perming the back of his hair and gelling the top into one giant beachy wave.  He basically looked like Nene Leakes and, well, it was distracting.

Chelsea – Is on Instagram.  P.S., Adam may be a Level III?

Plus:  Click on Farrah’s nose below to swipe through the best of her ‘ugly cries’ of all time. You’re welcome.

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