Jenelle – Welcome to the latest edition of “Fauxlebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and His Obsessive Need to Only Wear T-shirts Under His Blazer.” It’s a working title. That lil b*tch of a daughter, Jenelle, is living it up at “the ‘hab” and is ready to get her life back on track, but not before a female nurse with wet spikes is going to go through her personal belongings to make sure she didn’t pack a hatchet or Kieffah with her. I had to admit I love when ladies are rocking a spiked hairdo. It really says, “I’ve completely given up.” It also says, “Scissors tonight.” As one of the other nurses is counting out the 17 packs of Newports (which is odd for Jenelle to be smoking since Newports are usually more of an inner city smoke) she comes across some Marijuana cigarette remains. Jenelle very matter of fact says, “Those are blunt wrappers.” I always assumed a “blunt wrapper” was Flava Flav, but apparently I’m wrong. Also, it’s stupid that you don’t pronounce the “w” when a word begins with “wr.” I’m going to try and change that. And don’t even get me going on the “ph.” So dumb.
Within minutes Jenelle is brought into therapy, which is awesome because you totally know they’re going to make her point on the Barb doll where the bad man touched her when she was little. Is that never not funny? Hell is going to be a real treat. I’m hoping to see many of you there. I’m kidding. I will see all of you there. Therapy is instantly working because she tells her doctor that even though she’s smoked weeeeeeed every day for six years it’s not a problem for her…she’s just pissed that she’s not allowed to smoke it for one year. Oh, and also, it’s illegal. And smoking for 6 years? So she started when she was 12? You want to know what I was doing at 12? Not growing pubic hair. I mean, at 12 you should still be playing with toys and wearing metal braces. Ugh. Kids. Meanwhile, at another therapy session we learn that (1) Jenelle has a brother (is that code for “Pirate Mike?”) and (2) he is bipolar and has schizophrenia. To sum up, he’s a real hoot. The doctor wants her to fill out a questionnaire to figure out if she too is bipolar. I think it would be just as effective to find the same answer in a fortune cookie. “You’re clinically nuts. Lucky Numbers: 7, 13, 24, 42, 59.”
In the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Jenelle breaks down and cries to her therapist that she’s pissed off because she can’t smoke and she’s bored. How can there be nothing to do in rehab? Why not try out cutting? Her therapist looks at her like maybe Barb really is right and this chick is bricks like the rest of ’em. When the therapist asks Jenelle to use three words to describe herself she answers with: Impulsive, smart, angry. Wrong! We all know the answer to that question is ALWAYS: Easy, breezy, beautiful. Luckily after two weeks Jenelle is starting to do a little bit better and because of that she gets her phone and computer privileges back! Phew! She’s just in time to get 2 weeks worth of text messages from Queen LaQueefer and a special phone call from him. Since she’s off “the weed” and on “the meds” she’s a little more level headed and she decides to tell Special K that they shouldn’t see each other anymore. Why she’s given up her ultimate dream of living a life on the grassy knoll is beyond me. Special K ends up telling Jenelle that he’s moving on and then immediately hangs up the phone. Something tells me he’ll be knocking on Leah’s trailer door (y’all) by next season.
Our heroine keeps making progress in rehab and the therapist thinks it’s a good time to have the both of them call Barb in the bungalow. I, too, think this is a good time. When they tell Barb that Jenelle might be bipolar Barb just says, “Well I always thought you had the bipolar.” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! They end up fighting a little over the phone and by the time they hang up I’m pretty sure the therapist is ready to diagnose Barb too. Later, we all get a treat for “the eyes” when Jenelle gets to Skype with Barb and we see Barbarella in a little yellow tank-top with her beloved rack hanging out. And you know that Mike tries to pull that tank top down with his hook. “Let me see ye treasure chest, arrrg!” That’s how I pretend Pirate Mike talks in my head. Not for nothing my dream in life is to now be able to Skype with Barb. How intense would that be! I bet her Skype screen-name is “Meme6969.” Awesome.
In the end, Jenelle is “cured” and is checking on out of “the ‘hab” and ready to fly back home. She’s greeted at the airport by Barb and Jace with matching haircuts. I’m not joking, they both have spikes. I love it. I picture Barb going to the barber, sits down on the chair, and simply says, “One boys regulaaah, please.” Barb, of course, looks as handsome as ever and, per usual, is sporting her blue top one last time for us. Personally I felt like this was her way of sending me a special message. I read ya loud and clear, Barb, loud and clear! After munching on a hamburger as she drives, they all end up back home and we’re all welcomed with a giant “no trespassing” sign on the front window. Once again, I feel like that’s a special message just for me. Jenelle was nice enough to buy a leather jacket for Jace because, you know, that makes any kind of sense and she also bought Barb a giant white hoodie sweatshirt that says “Hollywood” across it. I’m almost certain that goes against the dress code at Walmart, but maybe she can wear it on the weekend when she isn’t working at Walmart, but just simply shopping at Walmart. In closing, I really hope Jenelle gets her life in order. I say that knowing that she hasn’t and has probably been arrested 6 times since I started typing this, but at the end of the day I’m really only interested in the life of Barb and, well, if I don’t one day see her on an episode of Hoarders I will have failed at life.
Leah – Hey y’all we is divorcin’! I’m not sure what goes on down in West Virginia, but the one thing I do know is that apparently in their newspaper they have a section that specifically talks about who’s getting divorced that week. I’m sure directly after that there’s an article from a man who’s interviewed his toaster. Corey reads this “news” in the paper and calls his friend to let him know that he’s getting a divorce, y’all! He ends up taking off his wedding ring which I find not sad at all. In fact, I think if Leah were to also take hers off they could totally combine them together with some chicken-wire and make some funky metal glasses for the the one with the goggles. Always. Be. Thinking.
Meanwhile, Leah is still going to move into her trailer even though she spent all her money on her law-yuh. Lucky for her, her mom and “Lee” is going to loan her the money and she can just pay them back later. She should sell one of her kids on the black market in order to make this all work out. You wanna buy one of my babies, y’all? The CraigsList ad basically writes itself. More importantly, Leah’s mom has red Kool-Aid streaks in her hair and she looks like Kelly Clarkson circa 2001 Idol auditions. You know, I think I may have solved the poverty issue in West VA. Stop spending so much money on your hair! I mean, where are you going really? Later, Leah breaks down and cries when her mom decides to spring it on her that her wedding album finally came in the mail. Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just pick up a copy of Us Weekly? Or she could have read this here blog. I had some real nice cut-and-paste pictures from the wedding. Either way, she just cries and cries in her mothers bosom. I was waiting her for start screaming, “I slutted, Momma, I slutted!”
In “awesome news” we learn that Leah’s trailer cost…wait for it…wait for it…$3,000. I don’t even know if that’s American dollars or if they’re still using Confederate currency. I have no clue. I used to just draw pictures in my Social Studies book, I never paid attention. Plus, I never knew the difference between Social Studies and History. I know one talked a lot about Harriet Tubman so, well, there’s that. Later, Leah struggles with having to deal with only being able to give Cory the kids via the law-yuh. She should just leave them there, put a motor on the trailer, and just move on with her life. I’m kidding. I’ll take them. We’ll go to the circus and the like. Leah ends up getting really deep when she’s chatting on the porch with her sister about her marriage. She ends up saying, “This was a marriage that lead to divorce.” Wow. Really? I’m pretty sure this was a marriage that secured your spot on Season 3 of Teen Mom 2. Moreover, I wish she would stop crying because if I have to see her man-hands on her face one more time I’m going to puke up my sandwich.
In the end, Leah ends up having to go to Corey’s house to pick up the girls (after the dropped them off for Corey at the law-yuh) and she’ll also be taking all her stuff back, so Lee’s there to pack up the truck. This basically turns into the most white trash version of The Price is Right ever. I mean, I’m watching people haul puffy leather couches out the door. I’m watching dirty spoons being divided up. I’m watching bed bugs eat at everyones skin. My favorite part, however, was when they were trying to see what happens with the washer and dryer and ultimately decide that Leah will get the washer and Corey will get the dryer. I think it would have been safer to wash the twins in the washing machine instead of that nasty tub in the basement, but that’s just me. I’m innovative. And what is Corey going to do with a dryer? Eh, maybe he’ll tumble-dry his camo hat so it sheds some additional strings. It’s nice to have goals. Before leaving, Leah has yet another breakdown and is crying on the disgusting dirty floor with her bare feet on the rug all while garbage and swill is sprawled to and fro. She keeps saying, “I don’t want this!” Well maybe if she brought her vag to the geneticist they would have sewn it shut and she wouldn’t have had “the sex” with Robbie and his lip ring. Leah runs out of the house with her LC mascara running down her face and quickly buckles the twins into the car and takes off into the sunset with Lee. You totally know she was doing road head on the ride back to her $3K trailer. I miss those crunchy curls, y’all!
Kail – It’s the aftermath of the Cowardly Lion and Rizzo the Rat rubbing their extremely unattractive (and most likely, chinless) private parts against each other in the heat of the moment, you know, after reading Humpty Dumpty to a child. Technically this should make the both registered sex offenders, but that’s only my rules and, well, my rules don’t become laws. Unless I become Mayor of this blog and then I’m pretty sure it will. I truly believe this is how laws are made. Where was I? Oh yeah. Kail is telling her friend, who I assume is actually Nikki Blonsky, that things “went too far” between her and Jo. If by “too far” she really means “Janet sat in the corner and scrapbooked whilst they had sex” then, yes, things went too far. Nikki Blonsky thinks this is the most scandalous thing that Kail has told her since she said that she was pregnant. I think this is the most scandalous thing Kail has said since she told Dorothy she was looking for courage and did a little jig up the yellow brick(s) road.
Jo, on the other hand, is telling his side of the story and it’s a bit more detailed than Kail’s telling of the story. Apparently things went down like this, “We read Issac a story, put him to bed, and then had sex in the shower.” Good god. Imagine seeing her hair wet in the shower? You totally know it must get caught in both her ass crack and vag crack. Speaking of crack, I miss Suzi. And why is Jo and his brother just sitting in an almost empty garage? He’s like Ryan from Teen Mom 1, but with more street cred because of, you know, the “rapping career.” Meanwhile, Kail decides it’s time to tell poor dumb Jordan that she knocked boots with Jo during his week day visit (#TeenMomProblems). I like the fact that when she told Jordan, she made it seem like he doesn’t understand what she goes through. And, not for nothing, but she’s kinda being a b*tch to him. Oh Kail, you’re as crazy as your crazy mother. And she keeps telling Jordan that through this all “good results came out of it.” Is that code for “the sex was good?” Yuck. Jordan packs up the few of this belongings and storms out of the “house” all whilst not closing the door behind him. I love when people do that. It’s a last minute “F you” by keeping that door open. It totally says, “Yeah, I left that door ajar. Now you need to close it. So there.”
In the end, Jo comes over to chat with Kail and she tells him that now that Jordan is out of her life she wants to be with a real-life rapper instead. To my shock, Jo says that he’s just “living life” and isn’t looking for a girlfriend and basically doesn’t want to be with the Cowardly Lion. I guess he was just in it for the shower sex, something that Leah and Corey were never able to do because…you know…they couldn’t both fit in it. By the way I definitely think that “I’m just living my life” should be the name of Jo’s next “rap” song. Kail ends her season by crying and saying she now knows how Jo feels when he wanted to be with her and she didn’t want to be with him. Somewhere wearing a Loony Tunes t-shirt with Bugs Bunny’s face on the front and the back of Bugs Bunny’s head on the back, Janet’s mustache is smiling ear to ear.
Chelsea – More orange, less GED.
Well folks, that wraps up another season of Teen Mom 2. We laughed, we didn’t cry, we recrapped the sh*t out of it. So, if you liked the recaps, click on the Recommend button and share this with your friends. Oh, and speaking of friends join me on my Facebook page and let’s get through the lack of Teen Mom together. Like a support group for “the poors.”
Related Teen Mom Links:
The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!