I figured I’d save my best artwork for the last Teen Mom 2 recap and, well, I know you appreciate the time and effort it takes to cut and paste a “dog waste” sign onto a picture. It really makes 75.3 years of college loans well worth it. I hate to point out things after the fact (on opposites day), but the fact that they didn’t sit these rusted out trash baskets on a puffy leather couch and cover them up with an animal-bodily-fluid-stained afghan really gets my goat. And you can tell I’m upset since I used italics for the word ‘really.” Also for the fact that I brought my poor and defenseless goat into this argument. Are we having an argument? And where the hell am I? Let’s go…
Chelsea – I am as shocked as you that I’m recapping Chelsea. I am also a little shocked that the Big C (wink) chiseled off half her makeup and seems like she’s on enough tranquilizers to stop a charging rhino dead in its tracks. Right off the bat we’re forced to hear Dr Drew talk about Adam pulling out. Seriously, how is that not bleeped out? Since Chelsea is a rocket scientist (which is a dying profession, by the way) she didn’t think she needed birth control because they were only having sex that one time. Oh, and after Drewski brought up taking the morning after pill like it was Pez, Chelsea claims she never thought of it because, again, they tried the brilliant pull-out method, which I believe has a 13% success rate. Plus it’s messy so, well, that’s that.
Chelsea by the Sea has a case of “the sads” because Adam has a girlfriend who sounds like a real winner. I caught myself nodding off (which isn’t dirty) and when I came to (giggity) I’m pretty sure I heard Chelsea claiming that Adam’s girlfriend took a shower with Aubree. Insert Scooby confused voice here _____. Now if I ever thought of anyone showering with their daughter, you know, for money it would of course be Farrah. I’m sure that’s in her archives, similar to the Disney Vault, just waiting to be released. Seriously can they arrest her on suspicion alone? Someone (like any of the court appointed attorneys) look into that. Meanwhile, moving past the potential diddle-spree, Ms Clinton is upset as well because she hasn’t had a boyfriend since Adam and all the other teen moms have had boyfriends. Uh, yeah, and 90% of them don’t have custody of their kids anymore. I know this chick is bricks, but truth be told she’s actually the most put together because (1) she goes to school and (2) her dad pays for everything. Toss in a little check-e-poo from MTV and, viola, you’ve got yourself a catch. So I think she should just stay single and stay on track. The only thing that should be entering her “gentlemen greeter” is her Mirena and the occasional breeze.
Adam comes out on stage dressed like Joey Lawrence and ruins all the fun. He’s wearing a too-tight t-shirt and what I can only assume is ripped stonewashed ‘dungarees’ that have a giant hole in them…and shiny black dress shoes. Ironically enough this is also the standard outfit that TLC wore during many of their 90’s hits. Unfortunately there is not a condom in his glasses, but perhaps if there’s another season. Anyhat2daback, Adam spills the beans that he is on a break from his current GF so he and Chelsea are slam dancing each other but are not dating. He then confuses even Dr Drew by saying that he still loves Chelsea all whilst she cries. It’s interesting that the tears aren’t making half of her face melt off. She really is growing up. Oh and he address that he and his girlfriend simply gave Aubree a bath after she was in the pool so she didn’t go to sleep with chlorine on her. I’ll assume chlorine is a nickname for his bartending girlfriend?
Finally Randy Not Jackson heads out on stage dressed like Marsha Warfield (Google it) in her play clothes and is ready to deal with this once and for all! I mean, not at all but I felt like a dramatic moment was needed. Randy doesn’t really seem to blame Chelsea that much for hooking up with Adam (erk?) but also claims he doesn’t really need to know the intimate details of that. Yeah that goes for me…and The America too. I’m still cleaning up puked up sandwiches after the whole “pull out” explainer. At the same time, Randy thinks it’s hard for Chelsea to move on from Adam because Twitter was invented and thousands of people tweet pictures of Aubree and Adam’s girlfriend to her. It’s funny because it seems like that whole crew would still be kicking around on Myspace or in AOL chatroom at the very least, but I digress. The one thing everyone inexplicably agrees on is the fact that Chelsea is a strong, creative, vibrant woman. Is she now? Poor Chelsea doesn’t seem to see that, but agrees to take Dr Drew’s help (which, if it follows his helpful track record, she’ll end up dead) to get better and “quit the Adam.” God bless. I think she should just try dating Randy. She’s in a Dakota. It’s standard.
Leah – “Hey y’all I’m sportin’ a Reverse Ombre because that’s how we do things in East West Southern Virginia, y’all!” I think the bleach blonde on top really makes her BumpIt pop in the camera lighting. Leah can’t seem to grasp why Dr Dreward is acting like having 3 kids and a husband who lays the pipe elsewhere 6 days per week is a big deal. She’s basically like, “A week has 15 days in it anyway, y’all!” Leah lets the cat out of the Life & Style cover bag that she and Jeremy are expecting a baby. What a blessing. I have a feeling that Leah should save her 1989 braces and just staple-gun them onto the new baby’s teeth because something tells me that kid is going to have “inward bite.” I’m not sure if that’s a real thing or not, but I just envision it, like, chewing backwards and stuff. I’m not a parent. I don’t know how it works. When Drew is all up in arms about Leah having to watch 3 kids whilst her husband is away most of the time Leah looks like he’s explaining how the metric system works. Don’t worry, Leah, I can’t comprehend either. How do you convert 10 inches anyway? Hey-oh! He then tries to dumb-it-down so that they can let the on-call geneticist go home early and says that with 3 kids she’ll be playing zone defense. She stares at him. Silent. And then is like, “oh yeah, I guess you’re right.” How much you wanna bet that she thinks zone defense is a birth control option that you install up your shazammy for 6-months out of the year…and then it just melts away like the stitches they give you when you get your wisdom teeth out? Oh, just me? Screw you then. Regardless, Leah lets us all know that she has a ton of family lined up to take care of these poor saps until she feels like caring for them again. Can you imagine what that line-up must be like? I’ll assume similar to a police line-up and with the same exact cast of characters. Plus, I don’t think it’s in the children’s best interest to learn their language skills from Dawn and Uncle Kracker. It’s going to be a lifetime of Highlights…I can just tell.
Later Corey heads out on stage and times they-are-a-changin’. Most important is the fact that Corey is sans camo trucker hat. It was like Marge Simpson without the green dress. Well sorta. Second of all, Corey and Leah are legit friends now. They text each other and giggle and if Corey grows out his hair they’re likely to braid it and make s’mores. It’s actually great that they get along so well. I just said that. Anyway, Drew asks Corey about those 15 times he led Leah on and then backed out faster than Adam pulls out when Randy is banging on the bedroom door. Corey explained (minus sub-titles) that he was just lonely and had bought a house and hated going home to an empty house. Did he mean empty of people or furniture? Because there’s a difference. So basically he was just looking for Leah to take up some space. Seems logical and understandable. The convo gets pretty light and fun about how Corey has a girlfriend now who’s moved in and then Drew is suddenly like, “tell me about your fears for Ali.” Way to kill my buzz. Everyone is afraid that other little brats will be mean to her. Something tells me she’ll be able to take them. My money is definitely on her. And by “my money” I am of course talking about “travelers checks.”
Next up Jeremy comes out wearing an outfit in which I don’t know what it’s called. Jeremy seems like a nice enough guy, but like Randy he blames a lot of the issues on Twitter and Facebook. Although, no joke, I legit thought he called it Face-Bug. Catchy. Literally. Hey-oh! Apparently Leah reads mean Twitter comments all the live-long day and cries when people say mean things about her. The conversation about what people say about them online went on for so long that I started cutting my hair in my bathroom mirror to prepare myself for when I’m on the Today Show tomorrow morning for online bullying because I was pretty sure they were about to drop the name of my blog. #OneCanDream And to make matters worse people even make fun of Corey on Twitter. Yep. They tell them they don’t like his beard. Wow. How he hasn’t crumbled from the pain is a miracle in itself. If I was on television and being paid for it I would consider hate-mail like little high-fives from Heaven. In the end, Drew keeps telling them all about some sad stats and his shock that Leah basically isn’t dead and alone somewhere. Evidently the numbers were against her of ever finding anyone to deal with and care for her again. No really, he kept talking about that. Well it’s a good thing Leah kept her Facebook page up or she would have been rotting in the back of Corey’s trailer most likely. Ugh I wish those two would get back together. Speaking of Twitter, by the way, click here to follow me on Twitter. Ole!
Well folks that’s that. I know. Fight back the tears. We’ve all had a good run. I’ll be gearing up to toss some Housewives recaps back up again in the near future. Jersey is right around the corner!