Teen Mom 2 Reunion: Pirate Mike Lands a Hooters Girl!

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It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for and by “waiting for” I of course mean “casually yawning whilst giving a little side-eye.”  It’s the “Teen Mom 2 Season 2 Reunion Part II:  Pitocin Boogaloo!”  As Kail would probably say after a typical mid-week visit sex shower, “that was a mouthful!”  Anychins, Dr. Drew is back and is per usual dressed like Paula Poundstone circa 1989.  Tip your 40 to lesbian-like 80’s comics.  Shoulderpads are clearly your friends.

Before we break out into groups we get to catch a glimpse of what all the “girls” look like today.  Leah’s hair, of course, looks like the back of a hens ass and her face looks like the front of a hen.  Her hair was so white that it looked like it hurt.  Albino’s everywhere are rolling their pink eyes and sweating profusely.  Spoiler Alert:  I know nothing about albinos except white hair.  Chelsea was a nice cocoa brown, lost a few pounds, and somehow tanned her lips.   Jenelle looks like she’s oddly not about to go on a stabbing spree and Kail’s chin is really glistening in the stage lights.  I love how fake everyone is when asked about their little brats.  “Oh they’re talking so much now!”  “Oh they’re so funny!”  Really?  Do they still Shasta McNasty in their pants because I’m pretty sure they do.  When Jenelle says that Jace is talking up a storm you know that’s code for “swears with a slight Boston accent.”  And Chelsea says Aubree is chatting a lot to and, while she didn’t say this, let’s all just assume she already beat Chelsea to the GED punch.  No whammies!

We kick off the one-on-one interviews with Jenelle.  Jenelle surprisingly looks well rested and I’m noticing some white solid substances in her mouth every once in a while.  I had to pause it a few times and finally realized it was teeth and she was smiling.  Thanks meds!  Jenelle is apparently doing really well ever since she left “the ‘hab.”  Oh, and she’s also turned into a professional Pinocchio.  You see, she’s still on and off with Special K and she claims it’s because he’s done some really good things for her and has always been there for her.  Sure.  I mean, he did show her new and innovative ways of entering the back seat of a car by being thrown into it and, well, I’m pretty sure he was there for her when he got let off the hook in court that one time and tap-danced by her when she was put on probation for a year.  Regardless, how can she resist his charms?  The fact that his whole face must smell like hooker crotch rot is only an added bonus.  It’s like the personal ad writes itself.

Sadly, however, Jenelle will be heading on down to the slammer because she tested positive for Marijuana cigarettes.  Womp womp.  It’s got to be so hard to “quit pot” like it’s so hard to “quit stamp collecting.”  Once you collect one stamp you just can’t stop.  I think it’s great that Jenelle will be in jail and I’m already putting in my prayers to Santa Christ and his teen mom, Mary, that she’ll be sharing a cell with Amber and all of this will be filmed for a new MTV show titled: “America’s Least Wanted.”  I hope MTV sources me in the credits.  I want to be the teenage mother version of Sally-Ann Salsano.  Look it up.  Anyhempbracelets, I envision Jenelle and Amber scissoring into the wee hours of the morning and fist-fighting all the live-long-day.  Perhaps they’ll also work on the railroad.  One may never know.  P.S., why do I picture Jenelle’s sentencing to be like watching an episode of Night Court with Judge Harry Stone?  Good God I hope Roz is there!

Some things, however, are going well for Jenelle.  She’s in school and on medicine to curb her bipolar disorder.  Oh, and she’s fighting with Barb a whole lot less.  I mean, Barb is still fighting with her, but she’s remaining dead-pan 8 out of 10 times.  The best part of the entire reunion is absolutely when Barb enters stage left.  She’s wearing a very flattering and exotic jungle-print silk dress.  Are those leaves?  Is that a Toucan I see?  It’s all part of the magic.  I had burst out laughing and sprang to life when Dr. Drew and his Weeble hair said to Barb that they seem a lot calmer.  To which Barb explains the house is more at peace because…wait for it…dead God…wait for it…do scissors…wait for it…Pirate Mike moved out…and has landed a Hooters waitress!  AMEN!  All of my dreams in life have come true! Barb then barrels over laughing and slurs how liberating it’s been with him out of the house.  Finally she can slice deli meat in the privacy of her own home and doesn’t need to sneak out to Walmart anymore to do so.  I’m not sure if it’s too soon, but those angels that Kevin Costner was talking about at Whitney’s funeral are the same ones, I believe, who just made this scene with Barb happen.  Insert a “ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it” played on the harp and sung by that little b*tch who won American’s Got Talent a year or two ago.  It’s like even Barb herself can’t believe her white trash luck that her white trash boyfriend white trash cheated on her with a white trash waitress who works at white trash Hooters.  Speaking of white trash, I wonder if Leah’s hair is sizzling in the green room?  Moving on.  All I know is that Barb is on the maaaaahhhket and I’m ready to place an order.  #SkypeMeSexy

Barb (genuflect) thinks that Jenelle is doing much better, but the fact that Kieffah is still around is really dragging her down, down, down (in her words).  She thinks rock bottom for Jenelle is spending time in jail, but I think rock bottom for Jenelle would be getting Barb’s haircut.  I think the judge should order that, stat.  After a few minutes of Barb basically trying to pick a fight with Jenelle, I quickly realize that Jenelle isn’t screaming and swearing back at her.  Hmmm.  Those meds must really work.  Perhaps I should try meds? Imagine what this site would be like if I was medicated?  Let’s never try that.  Shortly after, it’s time to play “Say Three Words That Describe Jenelle.”  This time around Barb is prepared with cue-cards.  She’s:  Generous, independent, and organized.  Yup, that’s what I think when I see her.  Love that organization.  She’s going to have the neatest cell in all the county jail!  Jenelle then says that Barb is funny, hardworking, and a good mom.  This makes Barb start to cry and then suddenly growl.  No joke.  Jenelle even said, “Oh God that growl” like she must do it on the regular.  That’s probably how she kept Pirate Mike’s hook at bay.

In the end Dr. Drew basically says that they’re both cured and they hug all whilst the Saved By the Bell audience is ushered in just in time for one loud, “Awwwwwww.”  Jenelle should have another baby.  Oh, know what I forgot to mention?  I like how after every commercial break, Dr. Drew came back with some wicked random horrible statistic.  No joke he was like, “Did you know that babies born to unwed teen moms are 17 times more likely to kill cats?”  It’s like dude, relax.  We’ll all kill a cat or two in our  lifetime regardless of the fact that our mom was or wasn’t married.  We will all kill cats, right?  Riiiiight?

Still awake?  Good, because Kail is up next.  Zzzz.  Zzzzz.  Wake up!  Things are going well for Kail and her chin since we last saw her. I’m kidding, she’s still be labeled “a whore” by the American public and some tricky parts of Canada.  Dr. Drew couldn’t care less about baby Issac so he decides to bring Jo out right off the bat.  For reasons that I can’t seem to get my mind around, Jo walks out on stage dressed like Bindi Irwin when she tried to have a “rap career” and made me red with secondhand embarrassment when she “performed” on The Today Show.  So many things wrong with that last sentence.  We learn that Kail and Jo knocked construction boots at least two times.  I think the silver lining in that statement is that we know they’ve at least showered twice in the past 6-months so, well, there’s that.  How does that old saying go? I believe it’s, “If Janet’s booty is shakin’ it’s time to make bacon!”  Ow ow!  Where’s the Saved By the Bell audience when I need them!?  Also, I have no idea what that means, but I’m almost certain I want to make a T-shirt.

Kail is still having a hard time deciding between Jo and Jordan, which is surprising because they both seem to have such zest for life!  At one point I thought I saw string and was watching Weekend at Bernie’s.  Regardless, Jordan apparently “wins” by default because Jo doesn’t want to be with Kail right now so she’s batting her eyelashes at Jordan.  He must feel great.  I know I usually say this about Chelsea, but this chick is bricks.  Suzi realllly must have F’d some S up when Kail was little.  Even though Jordan is pissed off, Kail keeps on with her whole, “I’m hurting too, you know!”  Oh are you?  The only thing hurting on Kail was her no-no in the shower.  And, not for nothing, but “I’m hurting too!” is almost as bad as “I hit you because I love you!”  P.S., we all know it’s really, “I hit you because you made pasta last night too!”  After Dr. Drew puts everyone on the spot and makes Kail decide immediately who she wants to be with, like this is an episode of Love Connection, she storms/gallops off stage crying and Jordan peaces out awkwardly up through the audience.  I was like, dude where ya going?  I’m pretty sure I saw a couple teen girls in the audience spread when he walked by like this was the Teen Mom audition process.

In the end, everyone is back on stage and just when we’re ready to wrap things up, we learn (with about 2 minutes left) that somehow Kail got an STD from Jo and passed it on to Jordan. It’s like the grown-up version of “Telephone!”  Que suerte!  Seriously, Dr. Drew should have stripped them all and scrubbed them with an S.O.S all whilst Barb sprinkled holy water on their privates.  And the scary part is that Kail is the one that voluntarily brought that up.  No one asked.  She just said it.  What happen to hiding and hanging your head in shame, you know, like most people do?  Teens.  They have a lot to learn!

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Past Teen Mom Recaps:
Who Gets Custody of the Puffy Leather Couch, Y’all?
The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!


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