First off, how beautiful is my photoshopping skills? Barb has never looked more dapper and anorexic all at the same time, which really is the perfect mix. Second off, since this is the last Teen Mom recap for a while let’s Celebrity Twitter Bomb this to Kelly Ripa by Tweeting this recap to @kellyripa – What fun. So, to recap: Tweet this link: http://bit.ly/AcBm7i to @kellyripa and @ibbb (and anyone else you want to).
Dr. Drew is back and per usual he’s spewing out trashtastic statistics like, “Did you know that babies born to teen mothers are 18 times as likely to work the checkout at a local grocery store and have bad hair than babies born to mothers who were 28 years old or older?” It’s an epidemic. What are the statistics for grown men who only wear t-shirts and blazers with thigh-high boots and salt and pepper Weeble hair who spend way too much time with teen girls who like to spread? Just saying…you may want to grab a chair right there and pour yourself a glass of lemonade because I’m pretty sure Chris Hansen will be here momentarily.
This time around here’s having a health “check up” with Leah and we’re talkin’ about divorcin, y’all! For reasons that are never fully explained, Leah is dressed like the Swiss Miss girl. I realized this when I suddenly wondered why I was craving tiny marshmallows during this episode. Her hair is as white as Mrs. Claus’ “gentlemen greeter” and when she cries she quickly morphs into Mr. Purdue. Clearly Leah is the Jim Carey of our generation. Swiss Miss spends a lot of time playing the pity card and when Dr. Weeble recaps her season for her she just says, “Yep, that’s my life” and starts to tear up. I’m not quite sure why Leah keeps saying “poor me” and “Why does this always happen to me?” She’s trying to convince us that people constantly end up disappearing from her life for some reason and she can’t figure out why. Um, I wonder if the answer is, “What is, you keep placing their penis in your vagiola?” Sweet! That was the Daily Double!
We learn that Leah has in fact officially divorced Corey and, specifically, is camo hat. All that goes without saying. We did learn, however, some really interesting tidbits that lead to the divorce (this was a marriage that lead to a divorce, y’all!). For instance, Leah really wants to double down on some beaver dinky on the regular and Corey wasn’t into it weeks before the wedding. My guess is that she also bleached her nether regions to match the color of her fried weave and Corey was scared of it. Understandable. However, Leah would cry until three in the morning when Corey would play “now you see it, now you don’t, now you see it, now you don’t” with his dipstick. I’m sure during part of the crying she was yelling, “Come on! Hitch my trailer, baby!” Yeeee haw! Sex with “the poors” must be a real hoot. Even better, we find out that Leah came home one night and caught Corey watching porn on TV. Ugh, no wonder why the one with the goggles needs a geneticist. But, in Corey’s defense I’m sure Leah didn’t catch him watching porn, as the beaver on the television was just Corey’s family reunion captured on home video. P.S., you can afford to buy porn on Pay-Per-View, but you can’t get your porch to actually connect to your front door? Interesting. Yet, not so.
Once Corey comes out we can see that he clearly respects the national television audience by wearing a t-shirt. I would have shown up in a tuxedo. I’m also a little pissed that sub-titles are not used at all during the reunion. I mean, at one point I actually thought they were having an argument about Corey buying beef hot dogs and how Leah was mad at him for one full day because she wanted pork hot dogs and felt that he bought beef hot dogs just to mess with her and make her feel bad. Oh. Wait. That really did happen. Imagine? These are the types of topics that “the poors” fight about. Hot dogs. Leah was probably just mad at Corey for getting beef hot dogs because those typically break off in her cutey-cooter and she’s forced to go to the hospital to have them remove it. “There’s a hot dog in my no-no and some beans up my bum-bum and there’s no box to check off on my form, y’all!“
Dr. Drew is really spending a lot of time trying to get these two garbage bags back together. As he’s saying this I’m almost certain I see Leah’s hand going down his pants, but maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me. Leah does a lot of Farrah’s Ugly Cry and at one point she just throws her arms up and is like, “I’m really sorry.” Yeah, because that makes everything better. I don’t think they need therapy to get through this I think they need a seamstress. Sew up her vag and call it a day. Or give it like a corset or something. Awww a little vaginastein corset. How adorable. Later Leah’s mom and Corey’s dad come out on stage to provide some words of wisdom to “the kids” and to basically show us why one of the twins needed a geneticist in the first place. Dawn is looking like quite the hot dish and whilst sporting those glasses she’s looking like a business woman in heat. I’d like to personally take credit for not seeing her with crunchy curls at all this season. I’m sorry and you’re welcome all at the same time. Things get really weird when Dr. Drew basically sets things up so that Leah can call Corey’s dad when she wants to talk…or “get it in”…whichever comes first.
I think what sucks about all of this is that no one will touch upon the fact that Leah cheats on Corey because she’s looking for love and acceptance from men due to the lack of a proper father figure whilst growing up. Sure there are many girls who also expereinced this as a child but, let’s face it, you all have whore-like behavior too. Don’t send me hate-mail. I just looked this up in my set of World Book encyclopedia’s and it also states that I’m right and, well, you can’t argue with a set of encyclopedia’s circa 1991, can you?
Where do we start with Chelsea? Ah yes, she was there. In the end all the Teen Mom’s come out one last time to awkwardly ask each other questions. I’m pretty sure Jenelle asked Kail why she hasn’t killed herself yet because she doesn’t have anyone in her life. She should have offered her up Barb to be a parent to all these girls. I just want you to do the right thing, Jenelle.
Well folks, that wraps up another season of Teen Mom. What a real treat it has been. I thank you all for reading these recaps and all the other junk I write about on the regular. As a thank you to me for my selfless work (I’m the Mother Teresa of writing), feel free to Tweet this recap to @kellyripa and @ibbb so that she can learn about this site and invite me over for beers on her terrace twice a month. I put this out into the universe so, clearly, this will happen. So tweet this link: http://bit.ly/AcBm7i to @kellyripa and @ibbb (and anyone else you want to).
Also, join me on my Facebook page where people talk about Teen Mom all the live-long-day. Really. It’s all the time.
More Teen Mom Recaps:
Teen Mom 2 Reunion Part One
Who Gets Custody of the Puffy Leather Couch, Y’all?
The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!