Jenelle – It’s really the moment we’ve all been waiting for (you know, if you don’t keep up-to-date online every day) to see who won Jace in court! Was it Barb? Was it Jenelle? Was it Brandon and Theresa? We finally have the answer. We’re first tipped off that it didn’t go too well for Jenelle because she texted the producers from inside the court saying that she’s no longer Jace’s mother and he’s better off without her. That sounds scary. Seconds later, Barb comes out of court and spills da beans to the producer exactly what went down. Apparently Barb basically “won” and by “won” I mean “settled.” It’s all legal jargon, but I guess Barb keeps permanent custody of Jace and Jenelle can have him every other weekend and then for a few weeks during summer vacation. Barb seems jittery and happy all at the same time. So, you know, the norm for Barb. I do love me a jittery Barb. P.S., do any of my readers here own a blog or website? Email me if you do, I have a question. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
What was supposed to be a 3-day trial (slightly shorter and less important than the OJ trial circa 1996) it was cut short (like Barb’s red dyed here) because Jace’s therapist testified at the Trial of the Century and basically said that Jace would go all 6’s and 7’s if he lived with Jenelle because he’s scared to death of David. I, too, am scared to death of him, but mainly due to the beard to bangs ratio. It’s like, are you a lumberjack or not? If you’re not going to be clear about it, we shouldn’t have to always guess.
You know who’s less than thrilled that Barb won Jace? Jenelle. Oh, hi Jenelle. At first she doesn’t want to talk to the producers about it, but then she decides to chit chat with her friends in the parking lot. As she’s telling more of the story she starts convincing herself this is a good thing and almost like she “won.” She’s like, “And she can’t tell me anymore where we can meet to pick up Jace so…” SCORE! She’s even pumped that they can’t use her smoking pot when she was 16 against her anymore. Oh, and she can take Jace wherever she wants and Barb can’t say “no.” She just has to leave Barb the phone number of where she’ll be. Apparently she’ll be in 1987 when there weren’t cell phones. The final “victory” was that Jenelle is not inviting Barb to the wedding and she’s going to make sure she plans her wedding on the weekend when she has Jace. Yeah you tell her! Oh, and she said Barb isn’t her mother anymore. She’s just “Barbara.” Um, doesn’t she mean she’s just “Barb?” She should clarify.
In the end, Jenelle decides it’s a great ideas to plan a trip to Saint Thomas with the kids. Or was it just with David. I’m not entirely sure as I was daydreaming of Barb doing the Electric Slide in wooden clogs. I think a family trip makes a lot of sense. Jace totally should be terrified of David here in the US and then bring his fears to an island where there’s no escaping except by boat. Bring your snorkeling gear, Jace, because it’s going to be a mighty long swim! Speaking of Barb, she tells Jace that she lied about court and she actually already went. She even said she put her Walmart clothes on to trick him. Oh that Barb! She lets him know that he gets to keep living with her and, honestly, he seems like he couldn’t really care less. She was trying to force it out of him, but Jace would rather feed his dog his cupcake. So there’s that. Good luck everyone!
Briana – For real, someone better tie down Roxanne’s arms because Luis is heading over to talk to Briana about “something” and I have a feeling it’s not that good. Also, how small is Briana’s room because with her and Luis in it the camera is literally up their face. I was like, “Briana needs to get them sinuses checked out.” I’m not a doctor but, boogers.
Anyway, they chat for a spell about how the baby shower from last week was an utter disaster. Luis claims he was upset because her ex-boyfriend, Dre, was there, but Briana explains it away by saying that she kept him out at the pool out of respect. Ok sure. Baby showers are evidently confusing. Also, why does Luis really care about Dre? Didn’t Luis put his Louie Jr. in some other girl while Bri-Bri was 3-months pregnant? Hey Pot, meet Kettle. Y’all be friends now, ya hear!
The convo takes a turn when Luis fills in Briana that he’s going to be going to school (sure) for a while and may not be around. If you guessed he’s getting his PhD, you’d be wrong. If you guessed he’s going to Truck Driving University, you’d be correct. After “school” he’s going to on the road for 10-months (just like a rock-star but, you know, with deliveries to Target) so won’t really be available for a bit. It’s like he’s going to be on hiatus, just like How to Get Away With Murder is every winter and, it’s like, when the hell is it coming back?! Basically Luis is like Viola Davis in this scenario. Was that not clear? Briana honestly looks like she’s going to make puke because she called all this shiz since day 1! She also looks like she’s trying to math it out to see if she can still sell this here baby to Brandon and Theresa or just give it to them free of charge. She tries to actually be nice about it and says, “Well you’re probably missing the birth…but you can pay for daycare once you’re back.” Seems fair.
Later everyone is at the community pool dressed like they’re on a Housewives of Wherever cast vacation. Roxanne is wearing a giant white hat and even Auntie T.S showed up and we all know how I feel about her! Love all around. Briana is explaining to everyone Luis’ trucking education situation and Roxanne is clearly going into quiet prayer with her Jesus. She can’t handle it and says, “And people wonder why I get upset.” I mean, do we wonder? We’re familiar with your work. By the way, we love all your work equally. I would, however, like it a bit more if she turned up the crazy a bit. Remember that time she almost threw her shoe during the reunion?! Ugh, I long for it.
In the end Nova graduated from pre-school and, literally, cried the entire time she was there. That went well.
Leah – Ruh-roh someone is in full heat! Hide yo cats and hide yo wife because Leah is ready to braid that track and jump into the wild world of online dating. I can’t wait to see who the new dad is going to be and which “A” name they’re going to shoot for. Let’s all start a prayer circle around something like “Ali-Babba.” Who’s with me? Forget you then! Anyway, Leah is chit-chatting with her friend over the phone so, you know, we can know what her storyline is about this episode. Her friend is like, yeah good luck with that. The best part, however is how Leah was filling in her kids about mommy trying to land herself a man. You wanna know who else may be trying to land man? The blonde daughter, Ali Shisquesta. She’s looking at Leah’s app, which apparently is Bumble, and is all, “He’s my kind!” when she sees a guy she wants. That’s awesome. I hope she swipes left or however the kids are going it these days. The other daughter is mid eye-roll the whole time because she’s smart enough to know they can’t fit another kid in their house and don’t have the time to do another eventual highway drop-off with another baby daddy who may or may not be out of work. So many possibilities, so little time.
Well someone stuck gold because Leah found herself a real-life man! And he doesn’t have any kids. Ding! Ding! Ding! I feel like she’s going to walk into the date doing a backwards crab walk just to increase the chance she’ll exit that date ‘with child.’ Where was I? Oh yeah, she met him on Bumble and she’s excited. We know she’s excited because she added about 15 extra tracks to her hair and curled them within an inch of their life. She’s basically like the white Wendy Williams right now. Good for her.
The date is as awkward as you imagined it would be. First off, I thought it was a thinner Corey that showed up. Second, they barely spoke to each other. And when he did speak, I’m not joking, not a single word did I understand. And there were no subtitles, so you know I hate that. You know what I did love? Leah ordered fettuccine alfredo. For real. I mean, the amount of Shasta McNasty’s I would do right there at that table are endless. I would have to Facetime the rest of the date from the bathroom. What was she thinking? She was downing her wine, so great for her. When the date ended (almost totally in silence) they did the side-hug and I think Leah was a little tipsy. She told the producer that there wouldn’t be a second date and then her date drove by and asked her for a second date and she giggled and said she’s text him. That’s code for, like, a handy right? She should totally introduce him to her kids right away. Maybe give him to the newest girl since she’s always blabbing about wanting a daddy around. Here’s one!
Kail – Jo decided to take a breather from his rapping career to draw up some papers with his lawyer so he can get 50/50 custody of Issac. Just like Destiny’s Child once said, “Always 50/50 in relationships. Question?” I think it’s good Jo is following the words of DC. We all should, really. Anyway, since the cameras weren’t around Jo had to explain to the producers what happened when he told Kail about what he was doing. He said she was raging in crying. Is that like sassin’ and frettin’ because if it is, that’s my favorite. Kail wants to know why he and Javi are trying to take her kids away from her. Please, she could use a break. I mean, I’m exhausted even writing about it, can you imagine living it? How’d you like this knowledge that I brought? Also, the shoes on my feet? I bought ’em. The clothes I’m wearing? I bought it. The rock I’m rockin’? I bought it. Cuz I depend on me, if I want it.
Other stuff happened, but I lost interest. Although I think Kail said joke about “Needing the D” so that was kind of comical. I miss Janet. Also, I miss Janet if you’re nasty.
Chelsea – Footprinted her kids.
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