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Jenelle – Go fist (pump) yourself because Thelma and Louise are on the open road going from Barb’s safe haven of horror to sunny New Jersey. Oh, and did I mention that Jenelle was being the best “little b*tch of a daughtaah’ she could be and stole Barb’s credit card for the trip? I mean, what could the limit really be on the card? $250? $500? Anyway, on the way to Dirty Jerz Jenelle filled up at the gas station multiple times and Kieffah (Mr. Disrespectful) yells out of the car, “Put premium in.” Yeah, that’s a wicked pissah idea considering that the Honda that Jenelle is driving is about to burst into flames and break down at a moments notice.
And then…we all arrive at Kieffah’s bothers “home.” It’s everything I thought it would be an more. It’s a magical place, really. Not only should I venture a guess that his brother, Chris, is a featured player on the US No Fly List, but his girlfriend, Jana, may or may not currently be on a lethal mix of Ecstasy and body odor. Similar to Lohan, let’s just assume she leaves a nasty ring around the tub and smells like the musty basement of a church. This place is basically the kind of crack den that you see through a shaken jittery camera lens on an episode of COPS or the kind of place where Chris Hansen appears out of the kitchen and asks you to quickly take a seat and explain what you’re doing there with a box of condoms, a six-pack of Zima and Season 1 of Punky Brewster on DVD. Yeah, so that kind of place.
Later this crew of walking zombies head out for some fancy sushi. They must be accustom to eating so high and mighty considering that whacked out chick, Jana, could barely pronounce the word “tempura” and almost fell asleep halfway through trying to sound it out. Minutes into dinner Barb gave a jingle to Jenelle and was shockingly calm as she was yelling at her for stealing not one, but two, of her credit cards or as Barb likes to call them “my credit caaaahds.” The conversation went a little something like this: “Jenelle, what’s up with you? You have the baaaaaalls to steal two of my credit caaaaads? You and Keiffaaaah boat (both) think this is some kinda joke?” Oh bravo Barb, bravo. Even though she is sans credit cards she must have some cash socked away somewhere in the house because she is sporting a new color shirt. This color is called “purple” and is a “sister of blue.” Barb ends up telling Jenelle that she is not allowed to come back to the house and she will never see Jace again. I’m pretty sure she said that part twice…either that or my DVR vomited. Oh, and I’m almost certain that she said, “…after I take care of your f*ckin’ kid.” That’s nice, Barb. But, I mean, save that kind of special message for his 2nd birthday. Barbados also alerts Jenelle that if she comes to the house she’s calling the cops and, quite frankly, I just grabbed my rosary beads and made it through 10 Hail Mary’s and 3 Glory Be to the Father’s in hopes that the cops really do show up. Someone needs to get hit with the taser and I’m fine with whoever that ends up being. I mean, zap Mike if you want.
Well the lifestyle of the rich and famous in New Jersey is coming to a close and Thelma and Louise need to head back to North Carolina, especially since Barb canceled her credit caaaahds. Meanwhile, Barb is packing up all of Jenelle’s crap into trash bags (fitting) and giving Jace a nice little recap of why his mother sucks. I love when Barb is basically talking to the cameras so the camera guy and “the America’ knows what the hell she is up to. I actually laughed out loud when Barb took all the bags and tossed them on the front porch swing. I hope it doesn’t rain, but we can pretty much guarantee that Barb will be doing a traditional Native American rain dance on the front lawn at any minute.
Oh, spoke too soon. Looks like Barb’s rain dance worked. Mmm who doesn’t want soggy clothes smelling like mold and trash bags! Things get very real once Jenelle arrives back at the house to see Jace and Barb loses her sh*t. She’s spitting, hissing, and screaming at Jenelle for stealing her credit card and then slams her hand down on the table and continues to scream some more. Here’s the deal, this was actually awkward to watch, like when you were little and at a friends house and they would get in trouble and their parents would yell at them in front of you? Yeah, like that. I found myself thinking during this scene, “Uh, could you actually tone it down and be a little fake for a few minutes because you’re on national television and I’m afraid I can ‘catch dysfunction’ through my TV.” And while I’m sure I would be a horrific parent, is it normal to scream at the top of your lungs whilst holding your child? Nothing with this scene sat well with me. Perhaps if Barb had her blue shirt on I would have felt more comfortable. And why did Jenelle keep saying that she didn’t have Barb’s credit caaaaahds, but wouldn’t say who did have them. while most would assume, Kieffah, I’m waging a guess on that Jana chick. She probably has it hidden in her dreads. At least there was a brief moment of comic gold when Barb finally kicked Jenelle out the house and then matter of fact said, “Ok get out. Go be homeless.” Ahhh, a mothers love.
Kailyn – Chin up, folks, because it’s time for Kail and the adventures of her runaway side ponytail! We kick things off with Kail having lunch at her college with some of her new college friends. Are these really her friends or just two randoms who were walking by and the producers asked them to sit down with Kail and ask her about her breakup with Jo? I mean, these two characters look like audience members from a Saturday morning episode of Rap Around. They also look like they’re just as miserable as Kail. I was hoping that the one girl would blurt out, “I can’t believe all this is going on and Lauren isn’t even here!” but, alas, she didn’t. She just continued to stare at the table.
You know who’s trying to be the best helper they can be? Suzi. I know she’s taken a lot of hits on this here crapbag blog, but she seems like this season she’s really trying to help Kail out. I’m sure whilst Kail was growing up with Suzi she had to call 911 a handful of times and give her the breath of life more times than a child can count but, still, she’s being nice now and, well, that’s all that matters. Personally, I loved the part where Kail was asking Suzi if she had any black shoes she could borrow to wear to work and Suzi comes busting into Kail’s room with a pair of black Crocs. Brilliant. And it looked like she was shaking and sh*t when she placed the Crocs on the bed. Good old Suzi. Also, is she 10’5”?
Later, we’re at a sophisticated night at Janet’s house and she and her husband, Shecky, are sitting in the kitchen, having a glass of Pinot and grilling Jo about what he’s going to do about the whole Kail situation. Since I’m convinced that Jo is bipolar he claims that he’s not going to keep the baby from Kail because she really is a good mother. That’s nice. Does he recall calling that “good mother” a whore just days before? Also, I would like to go back on the record that Janet scares the absolute Shasta McNasty out of my bum bum. She’s not even my mom, yet I find myself obeying what she tells Jo to do. In fact, Jo ends up texting Kail letting her know that he wants to end this fight and peacefully let her have her stuff back as soon as she kindly pays him his $600. I’m sure Janet instructed him to be nice so that he could also place his pencil in her sharpener one more time while the season is still being filmed. You get your Teen Mom 2 money, Jo!
You know who’s creeping me out a little? Jordan from Sports Authority. It’s pay day for Kail so she and the baby and Jordan are all having date night at some random restaurant. I’m just glad it’s not Chuck E. Cheese’s, I suppose. The baby starts to call Jordan “Dada” and Kail has a look on he face like “The jig is up! They know!” Of course, Jordan just continues to say to the baby “Whaaaaaat’ up.” Great communicator.
In the end, Kail takes Suzi for a ride over to Jo’s house to drop off the check and pick up her stuff. What’s great about this is the fact that it’s thunder and lightning out once they arrive at Jo’s house like an episode of Scooby Doo. It’s fitting because all hell seems to break loose at the house. First off, Jo continues to be a big b*tch and when Kail hands him the check he says, “Is it going to bounce when I try to cash it?” Douche. She should have been like, “Are you going to get arrested for pot on the way to the bank?” She then should immediately duck after saying that because let’s all just assume that Janet will take a swing.
Next thing you know, Kail is trying to go upstairs to get her stuff and Jo is trying to block her from heading up there. The whole time Suzi is just standing at the bottom of the stairs looking like she, once again, has no idea where she is. Once upstairs, Jo unlocks the door to the room that has all of Kail’s stuff. Uh, why is it locked from the outside? And who needs a key to get into a bedroom? I bet it’s Janet’s sex dungeon. Anystache, once inside Kail wants to go through all her trash bags (shout out to Jenelle’s stuff) to make sure everything is there, but Jo is quickly pushing her out of the room. He then demands that she sign the check and the fighting continues. He calls her a b*tch countless times and Janet tries to say that it’s not called for, but you know she wants to put both Suzi and Kail in a headlock and kick them both in the ass. The scene finishes up with Kail taking the last of her things/trash bags and Jo slamming the door on her. Well at least he didn’t end up looking like a complete tool and creep on national television so, well, that’s good.
Chelsea – Ugh, I can’t with her. Seriously, Chelsea is my least favorite. Sure she’s orange and while she’s having lunch with her dad it looks like she has an actual combover, but still…blah. Oh, her combover looks like she hit it with a can of Aquanet and then set the whole thing on fire all whilst a ceiling fan spun at full force. Anyway, I’m keeping this part short because I couldn’t be less interested in Chelsea’s story.
Adam makes another guest appearance, but this time he’s riding a 4-wheeler in a parking lot with his friends. They stop for a few minutes so that they can all awkwardly talk about the breakup with Chelsea. Seriously, none of them can keep a straight face while this conversation takes place. Probably because all of this is so dumb and pointless.
Since Chelsea no longer has a boyfriend, she decides to grab some sloppy seconds with Megan and give her a call to see if she wants to be friends again. She might as well have said to her, “Remember how I chose Adam over you? Well, we broke up so do you want to be friends again?” Of course, Megan has no self respect or self worth, so she’s all in for this BFF thing again.
After yet another meal out with her dad in which whining constantly takes place, Chelsea basically demands that her father buy her tickets to the upcoming Lady Gaga concert. She uses the whole “I need a girls weekend” as an excuse. Of course he’ll buy them as soon as he finds out “who is this lady gaga.” Tool. My 2 yr old niece knows who she is as do my parents. I’m sure if she said Avril Lavigne he would have known as his daughter and her friends all try to dress like her on the regular (hair and make brought to you by: Snooki)
As Chelsea and her friends are driving to the Lady Gaga concert (surprise, her dad bought her tickets and paid for the hotel for the night) Adam ends up sending her a Facebook message telling her that he misses her, is sorry, and hopes she has a great birthday. Seriously, you totally know she’ll end up dropping Megan and her tan again for Adam over the next 48-72 hours. Trash bag.
In the end all the girls get ready for the Lady Gaga concert like they’re starring in an episode of Jersey Shore and are using about 16 cans of hairspray. What a complete shame. Also, all of this bores me to death. Next.
Leah – Hey ya’ll crunch them curls because it’s time for Leah’s segments. Hopefully this episode is free of MR-eeeyeees and depressing baby problems and only focuses on the wedding of the year. Well looks like we’re off to a good start because Leah, her mom (haha), and Corey’s mom are out shopping for flowers for the wedding. Of course, Leah chooses the most expensive flowers and her mother looks like she’s about to go into cardiac arrest. They’ll need to use those paddles to revive her and her hair. Hey-oh! They end up telling Leah that she has “champagne taste on a $2 dollar wallet.” Oh those witty poors! Personally, I would have said something that would really resonate with Leah like, “You have yard sale taste on a puffy leather couch budget.” See how that works? Now we all understand just exactly what they’re trying to imply.
After a tough day of trying to choose flowers, Corey and Leah are getting ready for their bachelor and bachelorette parties and Leah remembers that they’re getting married shortly and never sent out the invitations to anyone. She then holds up “initiations” which are in a plastic package. Yowza. Will they be playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey on the wedding too? She should just text message everyone about the wedding so she can put more money into the actual important things like, you know, buying cans and string for the back of their tractor and a big sign that says, “Just Married.” I should have helped them plan this.
Well, since Jesus Claus does, in fact, love me we all get to witness the shock and awe that is the bachelorette and bachelor party. Thank you Santa Christ! Let’s dissect each of these.
Bachelorette Party: This may be the best thing I have ever seen in my entire life. First off, her mom got the crunchy curls up in a proper banana clip since it’s such a fancy occasion. They all end up playing with dildos and vibrators but the cameras kind of gloss over that fact. We caught it though, we caught it. They then play a game where they see how fast they can put a condom on a banana with one hand. I’m shocked Leah didn’t just throw the condom in the trash and shove the banana up her “gentlemen greeter.” Did I cross some kind of line? Eh. Later they blew up a condom and were hitting it around the room like they were sitting in the bleachers at Fenway. Something tells me that maybe all these games would have come in a little more handy at Leah’s sweet sixteen instead of right before her teen mom wedding.
Later she is talking to her friends on the porch and Leah keeps saying that she’s “Scay-yahd” to get married. Does she mean “scared?” Unless they give us sub-titles none of us can follow along. Leah has nothing to be worried about. She should totally get married at this young age because both God and US Weekly wants her to. Plus, she can’t be too many years off from inheriting her moms “traits” if you know what I mean and if you’re familiar with Corkey’s girlfriend, Amanda, from Life Goes On…then I think you read me loud and clear.
The Bachelor Party: Su-weeeet! This party basically consists of lighting a fire and talking about gasoline. I actually can’t understand anything that the guys are saying. It’s just a lot of slurred words, spitting out tobacco, and sporting some flannel mixed with ring around the color on their pit-stained t-shirts. I actually dressed up for Halloween like this once under the theme of “White Trash Got Me.” I take it they’re asking Corey if he really is ready to get married, but they could have giving him instructions on how to put together a carburetor but, again, sub-titles would have helped out…like, a lot.
The next day Leah freaking out about getting married and talking a million miles an hour in the worst English possible and, trust me, I know poor English as this blog is an abomination on so many levels. See? I don’t even know what that means but I used it anyway. Anyway, Leah is talking like she has rabies and is like, “Yous guys alls needs to goes get ya’lls tux’s this week and then ya’lls needs to be dones in 1 more weeks.” I was like, take an F’n breath and chisel off the gallon of ink on your eyes because it’s seeping into your brain and negatively impacting your speech. She should lay down with Corey on that puffy leather couch and then, oh I don’t know, stab it with a kitchen knife just for kicks? I would. And kids? Don’t try that at home. But, if you do please take a picture of it and let me see what it looks like. The More You Know (cue shooting star).
Later Leah continues talking to her mom about being “Scay-yahd” and her mom is pretty much trying to talk her out getting married. You can tell she’s really like, “Please don’t make me spend all this money if you’re going to get divorced in 4 yrs because I’m going to want a refund.” And, with all that money that won’t be going to the wedding she could really fix up that double-wide.
In the end Leah and Corey get the kids back from his parents and Leah is still saying that she’s not sure she wants to get married right this second. Corey, the romantic, just wants to go and get the marriage license and worry about the wedding later. Yeah, dude good job. He totally just wants to make their marriage legal so he can start getting 50/50 of Leah’s Teen Mom 2 money. I don’t blame him. Great strategy. More importantly, their house is an F’n mess. I know they have two kids to take care of, etc but at least throw out the endless supply of coke cups and white trash chachkis that are scattered to and fro. Blonk! Corey ends the conversation by simply saying “I wanna get married so let me know if you want to too.” Awesome. This is all pointless as we already know they’re getting married as they showed scenes of the actual wedding during the first season…..yawn. And crunch.
Episode Rating: 3 of Kail’s “Moving Bags” and 1 Crazy Suzi Head
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High, High. Yaw Both High and Smokin’ Weeeed!
Teen Mom 2 Hits Up the Oregon Trail!
Jenelle’s Master Plan With the US Dept of Education
The Episode Where I Almost Ended Up on the Today Show
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage