Hey y’all welcome back to another crapisode of “A Dinky Went Into My Woo-Woo When I Was 16, MTV Got a Hold of Me, and Now I’m Rich, B*tch!” At least that’s the Biblical name of this show. Now I must warn you that this episode is supposed to center around Leah and her baby with the possible problems. I’m sure many of us remember last year when Leah got a hold of this here site and wreaked havoc on me. We were two y’alls away from calling Star Magazine. Either way, it’s going to be real hard to tee-off on those walking trash cans so I’m forced to focus on Leah’s Kim Zolciak wig and quite possibly the doctor. However, if Leah tries to sound out “Geneticist” during her voiceover, well, all bets are off.
Jenelle – Spoiler Alert: This episode is sans Barb. Therefore, I am now a cutter. Moving on. Thing haven’t been going so well for Jenelle since Barb kicked her out of Barbie’s Dream House (see what I did there!). In fact, she’s forced to live in her beat up Honda with Queen LaQueefer. And, to make matters worse while they won’t admit it, I’m pretty sure they both have “ring around the collar” since they’re wearing the same clothes since early 2010. Do you think the camera crew is thinking, “Are we really filming them all night in their car?” It’s like this has morphed into an episode of Intervention, which is kinda awesome.
After a romantic morning of laying around in bed the front seat with only the stick-shift keeping their burning loins away from each other, these two goons call up Cracked Out Amber to see if they can stop by the set of Hoarders and rinse off their disgusting bodies in her ring-worm-infested shower. I hope she passes out tetanus shots when they go to relax on the lanai. Queen LaQueefer is on the rag and doesn’t want to join Jenelle in any of her reindeer games at the city library so she can do some work for her online “college” classes. Sadly, she’s bombing math but that’s another story for another time. In fact, he’d rather that Jenelle drop him off at “Sweepstakes” so he can gamble up all the money that he doesn’t have. Why am I envisioning him placing little baby Jace on Red 9 on the Roulette table? I’m kidding, I’m sure the place where he gambles is basically trying to figure out which card the dead pigeon is hiding under all whilst Barb is in the background near a penny slot machine screaming, “Come on, Mike, big money!” Or other things like, “Come on! Mama needs a new pair of deli slicers!” For me, the best part is that after Jenelle spent over 3 minutes in the library she goes to pick up Kieffer at “Sweepstakes” which is just in a tiny strip-mall next to a place that is actually called “Nothing.” I mean, who needs Miss Cleo, just simply look up to the right, Kieffer, for a glimpse into your future.
The ride “home” with Queen LaQueefer is very awkward as he’s not talking at all, looks like he gained 10 pounds, and straightened his hair. All of it’s awkward. According to Jenelle the only thing that he ever wants to talk about is drugs, weed, or alcohol. I think it’s nice that he’s branching out from strictly drugs and working some booze into the mix. It shows initiative. However, all rides must come to an end and Jenelle ends up dropping him of at, you guessed it, the grassy knoll. Slow your knoll, Keiffaaah! I’m not sure why the camera cut away. I would have liked to see what part of the knoll he’ll be sleeping on. Maybe that’s discussed in the after show.
Not much else happened, surprisingly. See what we miss when Barb has to work a double and doesn’t have enough time to perform in front of the camera? In the end, even though they’re barely talking Jenelle picks up Special K at “The Knoll” and they go to random parking lot where they get into another car of their white trash friends. Since this is a special night out (they’re going bowling) Queen LaQueefer decided to bring a bottle of booze that he plans on drinking in the parking lot of the bowling alley. How many white trash words could you find in that previous sentence? Jenelle doesn’t love when he drinks in front of her because it reminds her of her 3 minute relationship with her baby daddy. Kieffer, however, gets out of the car and takes a swig of booze right in front of Jenelle and, in turn, she gets out of the car and tries to punch him in the face. When that doesn’t work she ends up throwing something at him in the parking lot, to which the white trash friend driver starts freaking out screaming, “Jenelle why would you throw my change cup like that?!” MY CHANGE CUP! Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. If by “change cup” he really means my “savings account” then, yes, I feel his pain. Kieffer freaks out, pushes Jenelle and then throws her into the car. She climbs out the other side like she’s Baby Jessica trying to fight her way out of that damn well and next thing you know Kieffer chases her in the dark parking lot and grabs her all whilst Jenelle screams for 5 minutes. At first I thought she was screaming because their dirty sweatshirts were stuck together, but then I realized she was scared for her life. Uh, why would no one help her? Way to step up, Production Team. Eh, where she’s from I’m sure screaming at the top of your lungs for help at night in the middle of a parking lot is “the poors” way of saying hello.
Kail – Things aren’t too hot for Kail either. I’m surprised as I always assumed teen moms had it easy. Hmmph. Anymane, Kail received an anonymous note from her mothers boyfriend saying that her room is messy and smells bad and she shouldn’t live there any more. I love when drunks write notes. This is very similar to the Snooki/JWoww note strategy for Sammi SweatStains! The only thing that would have made the note better is if the boyfriend put in a little extra effort and made it like a Choose Your Own Adventure. Kail is freaking out that her MILF is going to kick her out of the house so she’s chatting it up with Jordan (who’s dressed in clown-like attire) to see if maybe he’s planning on moving out of his house. He’s like, “B*tch I ain’t going nowhere!” This makes Kail wonder if she’ll have to go on welfare and asks Jordan what he thinks about that. Uh, I’m sorry, but do you qualify for welfare if you’re getting phat (yeah I said “phat”) checks from MTV and the cover of Us Weekly on the regular? What the hell is she doing with all that money? Going to Sweepstakes with Kieffer? Oh, and here’s the other thing…Kail keeps saying that she’s having a hard time “making ends meet.” She said it about 5 times. Full Disclosure: Up until 1 year ago I thought it was “ends meat” and I thought it was a British saying meaning that you were so poor that you couldn’t even make “ends meat.” Like “ends meat” was a cheap meat stew or something. I’m sadly not kidding and well, my friends, this is why I write this here crap blog. And, to be honest, I kinda like my definition better. Sidenote: Add a dash of rosemary to your Ends Meat Stew to give it a little holiday taste.
Things take this random turn for Kail when she looks up some non-profit online and finds out that she can have them pay for her apartment for 2 years and all she has to pay is $50.00 per month. I’m sorry, what? Really? This sounds great! The lady even brings her apartment hunting and everything! If it was me, I’d be such a dick. I’d be like, “Well, um, I was really hoping for granite counters” and “the bedroom is a little smaller than I was hoping…I’ll offer you $35.00 a month.” I mean, not for nothing, but I’m sure if she were willing to scoop out his insides and turn baby Issac into a drug mule she could probably live in a crack house for free. Although, I’m not sure how selective crack houses are these days. Oh, and I almost forgot…how awesome was it when Kail admitted to the random lady who pays for your apartment that her mom is a drunk-a-zoid. Awesome! I hope she’s back off the wagon this season! And where the hell has Janet been hiding. Janet, if you’re out there look up at the moon tonight at 9:06 PM and we’ll both share a moment.
In the end, Kail ended up taking the apartment that I’m pretty sure was Amber and Gary’s ski chalet. I’m not kidding. It looked like it even had walls like Walgreen’s where they set up all the batteries. Maybe that’s why it’s only $50.00? It’s cheap, but you have to willing to listen to Amber beat the fat ass off of Gary 5 nights a week. Eh, I’d pay for that! Ambuuuuuh!
Leah – Ugh. Get ready for the “womp womp” portion of the show. Leah is nervous because she has a doctors appoint for her baby with the eye issue. The odd part is that she mentions that she also has the Geneticist (gen-et-i-cist) appointment in another month. Um, wasn’t she still sounding out that word last season…9 months ago? How long do these appointments take to make? It’s like the Geneticist has a line like Space Mountain. They should just go there instead. That would be more fun. Also, “Geneticist” just may be the new “Pitocin.”
Everything else is boring with this one. Although once she finally makes it to the doctor things get more fun. What in the F kind of doctor is this? He makes the baby look at him and then he whips out this rubber squeaky mouse and starts squeaking it in front of her face like he was going to make her play “go fetch.” He squeezes it a few times like a true pedo and then is like, “Good! Her eyes are all better!” Welcome to the word of “medicine” in West Virginia. Oh, and please save your hate mail. I DO think I’m better than you for living in NYC and not West VA…so let’s just make that clear ahead of time. Insert sidewards winky face because I don’t mean that at all. The good news is that her eyes are fine, although my eyes tell me differently and I’m barely a doctor. Although I’m sure I’d qualify to be the Head of Eyes at West Virginia General Store & Hospital. The bad news is that the baby will still need an MRI to see if there are brain issues. The even more worse news is that Leah still pronounces it “MR-eyyyyyye.” I mean, not for nothing they think the baby seems a little slower than others, but I think she’s fine. I mean, look at who she’s learning from. If tomorrow she crawls out of her bedroom wearing a blond fright wig and flirting with that rubber mouse, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised. And with Corey doing “the teachin'” well, she seems like she’s right on track.
In the end, Corey’s step mother Joetta…stop. I’m going to say that again. Joetta. I am squealing with delight. Joetta spilled the WebMD beans to Leah that she looked up the baby’s issue and thinks she’s going to lose sight in both her eyes. Seriously, who invited this Debbie Downer? Stay the hell off the Interwebs whilst trying to self-diagnose. And, to make matters worse, the other baby took a few steps all whilst Aliana (?) gave her the side-eye like, “B*tch, I’ll run circles around you one day!” The silver-lining for me in all of this was towards the end when Leah and Corey were sitting on the puffy leather couch and there was what I can only assume is bird sh*t stains right by his head. You totally know Leah was flirting with pigeons on the puffy leather couch whilst Corey was working on the railroad all the live-long-day.
Chelsea – Per usual, this chick is bricks. Why start her recap any other way? While Chelsea is on year 2 of studying for her GED she gets a Facebook message from Adam asking her to go back out with him again. I was just shocked these two weren’t still on Myspace with glitter dollar signs falling all over their page. And, since Chelsea really is bricks she tripped up the stairs and tore her ACL all over again. For those of you not sure what Chelsea’s ACL is, it stands for “Adam’s C*ck Lover.” She’ll probably get that tattooed across her forehead. Anyway, when she tripped did she fall into an 80’s video because her baggy sweatshirt and white headband seem to make me think that.
Due to the ACL, Chelsea’s mom has to come over to help her out and take her to the emergency room. I kinda love her mom. She is the perfect mix of Lois Griffin and no one else. And the fact that she’s sporting an embroidered Halloween sweatshirt and giant dangling pumpkin earrings is, well, the best thing I’ve seen since Jenelle threw a “change cup” at Kieffer in an empty parking lot. The rest of the episode for Chelsea really consists of her trying to convince everyone (her friend, her mom, her sister, and Randy) that it’s ok if she goes back out with Adam because her heart feels better. Seriously, can Leah pick up Chelsea on the way to the Geneticist and have him run a couple of tests on this garbage barrel? I mean, this whole Chelsea and Adam relationship thing is like whiter trash Audrina and Justin Bobby bullsh*t. You know it’s going to end with tears and Chelsea yelling, “I’m done, I’m done. No really, I’m done.” Mark my words. Also, bookmark this page like it’s 1998. Anyway, my professional opinion is that the only way Chelsea and Adam can have a healthy relationship is if they have unprotected sex and she has another baby. You’re welcome.
Well folks, that’s the Cliff Notes version of the show without the ugly yellow and black stripes on the cover to give you a seizure. Let’s talk more about Teen Mom and geneticists over at my Facebook page. Join me on Facebook and spread the word of this crappy site!
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