Let’s face it. There’s no way I could top the image above that MTV created so why even bother? The fact that they’ve inserted arrows to display how Kieffer texted Gary as a way to get to Janelle is pure brilliance. The only thing that was missing was a cartoon Barb passed out from “shock and horraaaaah” of Kieffah coming back. Here’s what and who went down last night on Ye Old Early Twenties Mother.
Jenelle – It wouldn’t be an episode of Teen Mom if Jenelle wasn’t in the process of moving. This time she looks like she’s moving to a really nice house in a really nice neighborhood. If you silence yourself right now, that noise you hear is all those homes losing their property value each day Big J is nearby. Per usual, she’s also moving in with some random chick that we don’t know. I’m sure this will end fine and there is no chance she’ll get beat over the head with drum sticks. No way in heck. Also, no way in hell. We also get to meet Gary, Jenelle’s new boyfriend. We may have met him before or maybe I just know of him via the Interweb and places like TMZ and “The Twitter.” Either way I want to say that he’s a giant tin douche bucket, but then I notice he has a Red Sox hat on so, well, all is right with the world. Maybe he isn’t so bad after all. Of course, I know many of you will think he’s even worse for wearing a Sox hat but, either, it’s still a win for me. Also, times they must be-a-changin’ because Jenelle and Barb are getting along well since, you know, they no longer live together and can’t play cat and mouse all the live-long day. Maybe now Barb can finally work on the railroad instead.
Later it’s time for “Brunch with Barb.” I have to admit that would probably be the best kind of brunch to have. I’d love to see Barb throwing back Bloody Mary’s, jumping up on her chair, and lifting her nice JC Penney flowery dress right on up over her head, like a good girl would. This show has turned into one giant BINGO game for me. I put a chip on my card as soon as Jenelle started in with her whole, “I want Jace to start staying at my house and sleep over sometimes.” Of course, Barb does the whole, “Yeah Jenelle, you should spend more time with him.” I jumped up and spouted out, “BINGO, Barb!” I knew there was a reason I watched this show with a stack of Troll dolls next to me on the couch. After brunch it’s time to show Barb the new house. I actually felt bed. She seemed jealous (oh, Jenelle look at dat caaaahhpet)…especially of that kitchen. I know it must be impressive to see cabinets with all the doors still on them, but I’m sure those will get ripped off and used as weapons next time Big J goes off her meds. She’ll probably use them as a diving board to spring into her tall roommates facia bruta. I jest. It’s barely bruta.
Things are going swimmingly for Jenelle lately and I say that not because I think her life is going well, but it allows the mental image in my mind to appear where Barb is in a polka-dot two piece flailing all over the beach with her beloved lady mounds going in complete opposite directions. Perhaps a seagull lands on one of them and she instantly feeds it Pop Rocks and Coke and its head explodes? Perhaps not. The point is, is that it’s my fantasy so if I want it to include Barb, the beach, and a seagull it will. Now that I’ve made that clear, let’s never fight like this again. Anyrocks, just when Jenelle thinks it’s safe to text and drive, she gets a message from Gary. I have to admit at first I squealed with delight because I was thinking it was Gary via “Gary and Amber” from season 1 and maybe he was going to give her some updates on whose b*tch Amber has become in “gel” for a pack of Lucky Strikes. Sadly it wasn’t that Gary. I mean, moment of silence. Show a little respect. Apparently Keiffah is fresh outta da slammer and borrowed someones phone so he could text Gary to get in touch with Jenelle. Why didn’t he just Tweet her from jail when he was in recess? If you want to follow me on Twitter, click here. Gary is chatting it up with Jenelle letting her know that he and Special K have been exchanging text messages and he wants Jenelle to get in touch with him…or he’ll just call her tomorrow…when he gets home. I’m sure “home” is the grassy knoll and Jenelle is most likely already on her way. Actually is Special K even allowed in the state of North Carolina? Is North Carolina still even a state or did we trade it to South America for cardboard cutouts of Juan Veldez? Either way, I’m investing in a map. Now I know Andrew isn’t allowed in North Carolina because he’ll get arrested for not paying child support…and probably because Barb will shoot him with a cap gun upon entry. I like that we live in a world where a variety of Jenelle’s ex’s may or may not be allowed to visit the state in which she resides. Either way, Jenelle (enter sarcasm overtones) with the beautiful facial expressions of someone in love, reassures Gary II that he has nothing to worry about because she loves him and suggests they all change their phone numbers so Keiffah can’t ever contact them again. Ah, young love.
Leah – Now you guys know that I’m a giant jerk, right? Like, we’re all clear on that, yeah? Even I can’t dive into the whole miscarriage saga of this episode. Even though we knew it happened it still sucked having to see it kind of happen. No fun. There was one part, however, that confused me a bit. At one point Leah said the doctors said “they guess I lost it.” Um, come again? Guessed? They guessed it? Like, isn’t there ways to check that know that for certain? Are these the same people who get to be Geneticists? Basically if you get sick or something health-related happens to you in West Virginia just exit as quickly as possible and get medical treatment in a bordering state. Now, as I usually state, I’m not great with the map so I don’t know the bordering state of West Virginia. I will, of course, guess Virginia must be right near there. Or perhaps Maryland? If not, the panhandle of Florida? Eh, I’m out of guesses.
Since we’re not really covering the sad parts in this there’s not a heck of a lot else to recap. It was nice (?) to see Leah’s friend with the square hair come over for a visit and as soon as she was told about the miscarriage she then asked if she was going to try and get pregnant again right away. Whoa, take a breath there killer. Leah needs to just stick to handies for a while. Keep things out of the old gentlemen greeter until she knows what she wants from life. And I’ll just keep pretending that I didn’t see the outcome on the cover of US Weekly.
In the end, Leah and Jeremy decide to not have another baby any time soon and to not get married in the next ten minutes. They’ll wait the standard 20 minutes just to be sure. And was it just me or was the exchanging of the kids in the parking lot with Corey a little bit odd? I mean, it was odder than usual. They awkwardly talked about the miscarriage for 3 seconds and Corey was like, “Sorry.” And then he told Leah he broke up with his girlfriend, Summer. Hot name. Literally. And even though Leah is engaged she still wants to be with Corey, but Corey thinks that it may not be the best idea since he says that Jeremy is such a good guy. He just kept saying it. It’s like, dude, why don’t you just get engaged to him instead? Leah was left to ugly-cry in the car all alone. Why do I feel bad for her? I’m going to send myself to the geneticist to see if that sorta doctor can figure me out. Good luck to him.
Kail – Similar to almost every Housewives fight that took place when cameras weren’t around, so enter Kail. Apparently there was some major throw-down between Kail and Jo over Vee being over at Jo’s house when he has Issac/Isaac. Kail is telling this “story” to Rubben Sutddard but I would have preferred to see this story painted like the opening credits of Family Ties and, well, I know you’d like the same. There is no doubt in my mind that Janet was in a bikini top with Skidz shorts and Timberland’s, holding a “round card” like the girl at a boxing match. Of course she would have been rapping to Mama Said Knock You Out in the background and yelling “You don’t know me, b*tch! in Kail’s face during said argument. Now that’s how you tell a story. I mean, don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years. Anystache, since Kail loves the court system she’s gotten some kind of temporary restraining order against Jo, kinda like the way that rap music has a restraining order against Jo’s mouth. I jest. The video was great. It’s times like this, however, that a girl really needs her mom. In this instance, Suzi would suffice but she is nowhere to be found. I’m sure there’s a rusted out dumpster behind a Fashion Bug that someone forgot to look inside. She’ll be right next to Chelsea’s IUD. Evidently/allegedly/don’t sue me, Jo got violent with Kail over her freaking out that Vee was hanging at his house and apparently he hit her. I’d like to guess it was in the chin but, well, you know how that would end.
We also get to hear Jo’s side of the story. This time it takes place at a diner across the street from a Hampton Inn (yeah I looked that deep into the parking lot) so you know it’s the kind of place the exudes class and has various strands of strep on the cover of the menu. Delicious. Jo’s story is very much different than Kail’s. Go figure. He makes it sound like she flipped his hat off his head and then punched him in the face all whilst he was holding Issac and then Jo pushed her away to defend himself. I’m not entirely sure as I noticed the USA Today newspaper stand outside of the window and was pondering if the fine folks at USA Today were pissed that wasn’t blurred out. I then pondered who still read USA Today who wasn’t in a hotel. All I do know is that a little restraining order and potential domestic abuse charges are perfect for a budding rap career. Plus, you totally know that he got his killer left hook from Janet.
To no surprise, Javi is less than thrilled that someone is playing Ike and Tina with his girlfriend. Does this make Kail and Jo the new Ron and Sam from Jersey Shore? I hope so. Is that wrong? Is it also wrong that I always want the original couples to get back together? I liked it when Ronnie and Sam got back together and the same with Amber and Gary…and Leah and Corey…and, of course, Ryan and Maci. I guess I’m just a sucker for dysfunctional love. Kail has decided that she is going to move forward with whatever legal crap she can come up with to get back at Jo…when we all know she’s just projecting her issues with her mom onto him and any other relationship she’s in for that matter. Yeah, I’m wicked smaaaaht and junk.
In the end, Jo calls up Vee on the side of the road to let her know that some cop served him with a temporary restraining order against Kail. Vee is willing to stand by her man especially because Jo is going to need someone to lean on beside Janet. Good God I love that woman. No joke, why doesn’t she get her own spin-off show, magazine column, and/or blow up doll…but the nice kind. Like you could drive around with her in the speed lane of the highway legally. I’m seeing therapy starting tomorrow.
Chelsea – Pee’d out her Mirena. But don’t worry, Adam pulled out.