Teen Mom 2 Recap: The One Where Nathan Basically Rents Kaiser

Teen Mom 2 Recap January 2017: Jenelle DAvid Fight in Car About Nathan Texts

 

Jenelle – Things are really looking up for Jenelle ever since she was found not-guilty of killing Nicole Brown-Simpson or the Menedez parents.  Phew!  She has been found guilty, however, of painting on her eyebrows so thick that they look like they’re about to give Jenelle a Sharpie-induced coma.  I think that’s a thing.  Either way, my life couldn’t get any better because finally Barb was back on the scene.  For real, if MTV loved me (and I think they almost do) they would make sure that Barb was in every episode and every scene, preferably doing either the Electric Slide or that last three sashays of the Macarena.  I’d be fine with either.

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Barb is all excited to see her grandkids and Kaiser even called her Meme (no clue how to spell that, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that way) and lunged towards her.  Barb was squealing with delight that he finally knew who she was.  I guess it can get confusing when she’s not screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs all whilst butchering the English language and throwing back a glass or ten of wine.  Luckily I, too, can still recognize her even without those two things.  Her Ma’am Paupadopolish haircut will never get past me. Ever. I found myself puzzled and smiling all while she and her lil b**ch of a daughtah (that’s you) were sitting on the porch chit-chatting about baby daddies and the like and Barb brought up Jace asking about Adam.  No joke, I was like who the heck is she talking about?  At one point I legit thought she meant Chelsea’s ex and then finally remembered that was the name of Jace’s actual father.  Deep down I was still really holding out hope that Keiffer (Mr. Disrespectful) was his father, but no such luck.  All that was missing from this scene was some Country Time Lemonade and the morning-after pill.  #Country

Later Jenelle decides to dress in a nude colored jumpsuit and head off the mediation with David so they can figure out if Nathan gets to legally buy his baby back.  Via Nathan’s conversation in the previous scenes he’s going for primary custody, accused Jenelle and David of doing drugs, and really thinks he’s going to win.  Meanwhile Jenelle is driving to mediation and filling out her forms and circling all the holidays she wants to spend with Kaiser.  Spoiler alert:  She circled all the holidays.  She’s like, “I guess he can get him every other year.”  Make sense.  If the mediator doesn’t initially side with Jenelle, perhaps her jumpsuit cameltoe can do the convincing.  Here’s to hoping!

After “court” Jenelle and Nathan actually came to a custody agreement.  Apparently Nathan will get Kaiser 3 weekends out of the month.  Um, cool? I have no idea.  All I know is that Nathan still has the world’s smallest ponytail so that should exclude him from at least one visitation per month.  Ugh, if I were the judge!  In the end, David gets all snippy at Jenelle because he feels like she’s catering to Nathan especially after he didn’t sign the mediation agreement they just met about and still wanted to take Kaiser for the weekend.  Oh also, I don’t care.  Give me more Barb or give me nothing at all.

Leah – Ugh you know what totally sucks?  When Leah’s scenes all center around Ali not being able to walk and having to go to special doctor appointments with Dr. Tsao.  Sure Dr. Tsao really saves these scenes with his “barely cares” bedside manor, but I legit feel so bad for Ali and all of them actually.  It’s kind of heartbreaking that we all know that she’s going to have to use that wheelchair all the time eventually and it was even worse when the doctor said she should start wearing a helmet when she’s not in the wheelchair so she doesn’t hurt her head when she falls.  Oh, that’s the other thing.  She’s now falling between 5-10 times per day!  It so sucks.  I mean she looks like she doesn’t give an F about the wheelchair so I say good for her, but it still totally stinks having to see a little kid go through that.

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Meanwhile, Corey and Miranda are fishing in the middle of a green pond because apparently that’s what you do when you live where they live. I actually didn’t know that Miranda was on this show anymore. I thought she stopped filming.  Also, who cares.  What we all did learn is that Miranda doesn’t want her daughter filming this show because she doesn’t have a choice in the matter  Please.  If someone said to me right now that if I had kids they could be on Teen Mom I would, well, go out and have kids right now.  And if they said they needed to already be 7 years old, I would go out and steal a 7 year old right now.  I’m kidding.   I would buy a 7 year old right now.  Maybe Brandon and Teresa will sell me iCarly 1.0 for less than $1K?  Ugh, at least maybe they’ll let me lease her for a season or two with an option to buy?  I don’t know how this all works.

In lighter news, Leah’s kids are eating cheese right out of a can so there’s that.

In, back to sad news, Jeremy ends up calling up the other daughter to Skype her and say ‘hi’ since he’s now in South Dakota for 4 months.  I mean.  Also, why is everyone Skyping?  What happened to Face Time?  Isn’t Skype like the Myspace of video calls?  Anyway, Jeremy is with his new girlfriend at some dump-bag restaurant so the daughter think’s he’s home and is all bummed out when Leah has to explain he’s still “at work.”  I wish she would have asked him what he did for work because his job is such a mystery to me.  Isn’t it something about putting down pipes?  Is that a thing?  I mean, I think it is in rap videos, but in real life?  Not too sure.  I just hope everyone keeps eating string cheese right out of the can, you know, for sport.

Kail – Blah…Kail’s episode killed me this week.  The most entertaining thing that happened was her dog vomiting all over the place.  I think the dog puked a full un-chewed meal. It was pretty gross.  All in all it was a complete bore.  Even Jo and V and Kail all got along.  I almost fell asleep. I was, however, proud that Kail is just 4 classes away from receiving her college degree and will be the first Teen Mom to do so and Zzzzz Zzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzz.  I’m going to just end her recap here for reasons that are crystal clear.

Chelsea – Bought 4 flowers.

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