Jenelle – For some reason I thought Tori was shot in the face by karma, but apparently she’s back and eating in sweats with Jenelle at some place that is desperate enough for business to have these two moldy pork chops and their camera crew over for dinner. Tori wants to know what the deal is with Gary, but Jenelle quickly explains that Gary played “Squeeze My Neck Until My New Boobs Shoot Funfetti!” so they both got arrested and then Gary spilled the beans to the 5-0 and showed them Jenelle’s bag-o-weed. So needless to say after thinking it over fort 11.5 seconds, Jenelle decided to get back with Keiffah…but without the label. I think that sounds like a well thought out decision. Why she isn’t going after Pirate Mike is beyond me. He’d probably even let her pet his parrot. Arrrrrghh! Later, as Barb is busy pulling Jace around her backyard in a giant red wagon (jealous) and yelling, “Let’s look at da booorrrds!” Jenelle has to shake a tail feather over to Dustin The Lawyer’s House of Chuckles. Dustin is a total pro at this now and even bought himself what I can only assume is a clip-on tie to discuss the multiple charges with Jenelle. Per usual we have our standard drug charges. For those of you playing along at home, please stamp your Bingo card if you hear the words “found marijuana.” There is, however, a deep conversation about being strangled (Bingo card!) with either a bed sheet or a duvet. Like is one worse than the other? I mean, it’s Jenelle’s crack-den. Can’t we just all assume she was strangled with a Strawberry Shortcake pilly sleeping bag with skid marks on the inside? Either way, Jenelle is the victim and don’t you ever forget it! My body, my choice!
As if things can’t get better, Barb heads on over to Jenelle’s later to make sure she is “grown up” and “doing good.” X and X. Jenelle lets Barb know that she is now officially dating Keiffah again. Swoon! I have to admit, Barb has really been working on pronouncing her “R’s” in her words and, well, she gets it right about 34% of the time. She is, however, relieved that Special K isn’t doing the weed anymore, but wants Jenelle to go slow so that Jace doesn’t start wondering why his mother is a legit whore. What…kids wonder that. It’s fine. Suddenly, Kieffah steps out of the bedroom and sees Barb and everyone tries not to laugh. Kieffah really won Barb over when she learns that “Keiffah doesn’t have any pending charges and he has his GED!” Barb made is seem like he was the King of England for these two achievements. She was like, “Oh wow you got your GED in jail? Good for you!” Keiffah suggests a group hug and Barb gets all bashful and starts cackling and saying, “Oh geeze what do you do yoga now?” I enjoy how Barb equates physical affection with actual exercise. Ba da ba ba Baaaaarb, I’m lovin’ it!
Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Also, don’t pee on my leg. Period. Also, period (giggity). These bad jokes can only mean one thing…it’s time for a little Judge Judy justice, North Carolina-style! I assumed in North Carolina lawsuits were figured out in the back seat of a rusted out Volkswagon van while homeless people warmed their hands over a burning barrel of Walmart job applications. But, alas, NC has a court house. And, no, it’s not built out of Lego’s. Imagine? Anyjudy, Jenelle and Special K are walking towards the courthouse while a man behind them with a blurred out face is either carrying a semi-automatic machine gun and/or Mr. Brady’s plans. I truly hope it’s Mr. Brady’s plans and they get passed around in a relay-style race inside an amusement park. Jenelle is really committing to her Casey Anthony ‘look’ by rocking some long brown hair and ‘I mean business’ eyeglasses. Had she just Googled “chloroform” before heading to court today? One may never know. Either way, if her hair were a little higher on the top she could sweep it over like one of those Polygamist Sect wives who have the poof and wear pink/blue/green paper dresses. #DreamBigOprahCommands
Like any of the other tens-of-thousands Teen Mom court cases that we’ve been through, we know the drill (not like Barb’s drill…wink wink) by now. They walk into the court house and then immediately MTV posts a little image that says, “1 hour later.” Wicked letdown. Jenelle and Kieffah (the Bobbsey Twins of our generation) exit the gingerbread court house and fill us in on everything that happened. Apparently they want to keep this game going for a while and Jenelle thinks that they’ll drop all charges on her and end up charging Gary with “strangulation.” So, uh, that’s a real thing? Like, who strangles anyone anymore? It’s like, be a man and pick up a shoe or something. I jest. The only abuse you should really do is to your own genitals. But, you know, go easy. Where was I? Oh yeah, Jenelle is walking around the front of the court house like she has a load in her pants. It kinda looks the same way that Kieffah walked after his lengthy prison stay..if ya know what I mean. If ya don’t, I’m referring to a little case of jail-rape (or ‘gel-rape’ for those of you reading from Indiana). I’m sure Jenelle doesn’t so much have a load in her pants as much as she has $45,093 of meth shoved up her bum-bum. There’s a difference. Get to know it. Anyjunkie, Kieffah is so pissed at Gary that he lets us know that he “mean-mugged” him in court. Apparently that’s a thing and, well, it’s something I plan on incorporating into my every day life. I’ll do it when I’m not working on the railroad all the live-long-day. Special K is also spouting out crap about how he took 12 steps towards him in court. Really? I mean, why not focus on some other 12 steps that could actually improve your life. I’m joking. Never stop drinking. It’ll make you a bit of “the snooze.” We also learn that Kieffah wants to fight Gary…in the woods…like men. No for real, he said that. I was like, you mean like Robin Hood? I’m confused overall, but am more confused that when he said, “like men” he looked back at Jenelle and gave her a heads up like she’s next in line so stay the hell outta the forest.
Seconds later, Gary is dressed in what I can only assume is a traditional Boy Scout uniform (shut up, I know) whilst Special K and Big J hang out on the court house steps because, you know, it beats slumbering on the grassy knoll. After Keiffah notices that it’s Gary walking towards his car, he shouts obscenities at him. I’m talking real dirty words…most likely like “employment” and “sobriety.” I’ll assume it’s those words because MTV bleeped them out. Yawn. However, by the time they got home Special K looks like he’s high/high yaw both high! As a sidenote, were abortions not a thing back when K was born? I’m not suggesting anything, I just want to know if the Tooth Fairy didn’t invent them until recently. I don’t really keep up with current events so I wasn’t sure. I guess I’ll go to Ask Jeeves and see what he says.
Leah – Hey y’all it’s time to bring my kids to a bumpy parking lot to trade ’em with their original baby daddy and chat outside about child support! I may have missed some of the conversation, but that’s mainly because I am in actual awe how these two both still pronounce the word “lawyer.” I’m like, there’s no “triple-L’s” or “U-H’s” at the end of that word, you punks! Corey is all up in beaver arms over the fact that Leah wants him to give her more money so she can buy at-home hair dye and the like. Evidently it was supposed to be a $100 dollar increase (or 12-months salary in W. Va) but somehow through the looooiiiyya’s Corey may now have to pay and extra $400 per month. That’s a lot more dams he’s going to have to build! Lucky for us he has a brand new Camo trucker hat on that may just be a shout out to the Boston Red Sox…or the Beaver Red Sox…whichever.
Later Mama Dawn comes over with her hair actually brushed, so you know this must be an important conversation. She even says, “I’s justs cames over to holla at yous.” Like, what? Is that code for “The DNA test are in an you are a confirmed member of the mole family?” I bet it is. So it looks like Leah wants to reconnect with her birth father and, you know, ask him to walk her down the aisle. That makes sense. Even better is that she’s going to have both her “daddy” and her “daddy” Lee walk her down the aisle. Why not just get inside a tin trash can and roll her down? That is traditional in her neck-o-the-woods, right? Dawn literally had to bite her lip to keep from laughing when Leah was bringing this up. Perhaps she was just hungry and was frantically searching her mouth for left over Easter ham. HAM! I have to admit, Dawn is right on the food stamps money by not wanting her birth father to mess up her grandkids lives and walk in and out of it like he did to Leah (y’all!). Good old Dawn. I may be warming up to her after all. She ends up talking to Uncle Kracker about everything and he looks like (1) he couldn’t care less and (2) wasn’t sure that he wasn’t in a white persons rap video. I understand. It can be confusing.
Now that Lee kinda gave his blessing it’s time for Leah to sit on her bed and call Daddy #1 to see what his deal is. Apparently his name is Gary. For real, who isn’t named Gary in this franchise?! Gary Daddy says, “Fine with me” when Leah asks him if he’ll Ernie and Bert her down the aisle with Lee. He also says a lot of “babys” and “hecks” in his vernacular. He’s like, “Aw baby, heck, you know nothin’ will stop me.” Yeah and that’s what a pedophile says, you pervert! I jest. I’m actually really excited to meet the man who turned Leah into the type of girl whom seeks validation from many many many many many different men in her life. I swear to God if he shows up wearing purple glasses, I quit life.
Kail – I’m legit exhausted from Jenelle’s recap so I was pleased as rum-punch that Kail’s scenes were about a good 10 minutes long. Everything is going really well for Kail and Javi since Javi passed some test that I think allows him to bomb North Korea. Maybe he’s now allowed to moonwalk into Tajikistan. One may never know. In order to celebrate, Javi is sure to tell Kail to make sure she cleans up the dog Shasta McNasty while he’s away playing Cowboys and Indians with people of other countries. I guess the way the Air Force works is that you get to let them know which 5 jobs you’d be interested in and then they choose one for you. In case you haven’t received the message yet, let me save you some time…I’m ignorant. No spoiler alert there!
Even with all this going on, Kail still wants to make sure she gets engaged, gets a ring, and gets to plan the wedding of her dreams. Oh, and if Javi gets killed in war, so be it. God forbid! She better not steal Leah’s “Beach Themed Wedding on an Actual Pond with iParty Cut-Outs” idea! She makes it sound so romantic when she tells her friend G.G/Gigi that the government will give them $2,000 if they get married before Javi goes off to training. Oh la la I hear that’s how they marry in Paris! She lives in squalor so, I mean, what bills does she have for real? Plus, same-old-same-old with we all know MTV is paying them bank so STFU as “the kids” in the comments section sometimes say from time to time.
I actually don’t care about any of this and then…well…then she appears. Like the Angel Gabriel appeared to the Virgin Mary, there is Janet. I immediately noticed her hair in a banana-clip swept up fashion and a girly black and white silk shirt with ruffles. I was like, Jo can you handle this? Vee, can you handle this? Javi, can you handle this? I don’t think you can handle this. As soon as I saw Janet give advice all sexy-like, I was like I’m about to break you off, B-town goin’ hard, read my hips slap my thighs, swing my hair, squint my eyes. Lookin’ hot-hot, smellin’ good, groovin’ like I’m from the hood. Over my shoulder I blow you a kiss, can you handle, handle this? I don’t think you’re ready for this Janet, I don’t think you’re ready for this Janet, I don’t think you’re ready for this Janet, ’cause Janet’s body is too bootylicious for me baby. So yeah, I said all that.
In the end (because I said so), Kail calls up some lawyer to see what she has to tell Jo is she and Javi have to relocate for his work. I guess she only has to tell him if she’s going to move. Why not just leave Issac with Jo and Janet and move on with your life? You’re an MTV star! Oh, and then she and Javi have dinner together where she instructs that she still needs to be asked to get engaged in a formal manner. What a prize. I hope Suzi walks (and shakes) her down the aisle!
Chelsea – Got mono…which I would make fun of except I had it 2 years ago…and I’m 77 years old.