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Jenelle – Ho-hum, Jenelle has been kicked out of Barb’s casa de crazy once again (for being the “worst piece of sh*t mother”) so she’s stuck living with her friend in her living room where everyone just sits around looking dazed all whilst Kieffer strums away on the guitar. It may not even have strings. Alls I knows (all I know) is that the couch that Jenelle was sitting on was majorly faded by the sun (probably from being outside most of the day on the front lawn) and looked like it itched.
Jenelle has to schlep her way to the financial aid office so that the financial aid lady can tell her in person that Barb hasn’t filled out the forms. Here’s what I love about the financial aid lady…she kind of looks like Barb with a wig but, then again, these days everyone looks like Barb to me. Wishful thinking. And honestly, Jenelle looks like she couldn’t give less of a sh*t whilst talking to the lady. At one point she just looks dead on into the camera and zones out. I immediately ducked behind my laptop because I thought she could see me making fun of her. Not for nothing Jenelle shouldn’t even have to fill out forms. She should just say to the lady, “Look at me. I’m in a Harley t-shirt, ripped-cameltoe-jean-shorts, broken flip-flops, and I STILL have friggin’ hickeys all over my neck…and there’s a camera crew following me around because I got knocked up when I was 16…so does it appear that I have any money for classes?” The financial aid lady should just immediately hand her over a briefcase filled with $10,000 and then throw confetti at her.
Best Moment So Far: Jenelle calling Barb and getting her voicemail, “This is Barbara…leave a message.” Bravo. I’m officially making that my outgoing message on both my cell phone and work phone. I don’t care. I’m all in.
About a good 20 minutes pass before we even get to see Barb. What a world we live in, huh? Anyslurs, Barb was kind enough to sign Jenelle’s financial aid forms so that she can go to college…and then drop out after the first semester. Jenelle stops by Barb’s bungalow to “see Jace” and thank her for signing the forms. When the doorbell rings, Barb is like, “Who’s that?” Really? You have no clue? There’s a camera crew in your home so, more than likely, it’s one of the cast members of this show called Teen Mom 2. You know, you’re on it too? Hell, it may even be your “little bitch of a daughter.” Only one way to solve this puzzle….open the door. When she does open the door she just looks at Jenelle and says “What aaaaah you doin’ heeaaaah?” Ahhh, a mother’s love.
Barb is all flustered in her scenes and is stuttering and stammering all over her words. Is it wrong that I wish for Barb to suddenly develop a drinking problem? Well, I do. I hope it. I’ve even added it to my Vision Board so we’ll see how that works out. Barb ends up inviting (sort of) Jenelle to Jace’s birthday party on “Sat-a-dee” so we’ll see how that goes. Let’s just assume “not well.”
Later, Jenelle picks up a birthday gift for Jace which is some Spiderman toy/automobile and decides to hide it at Barb’s house…probably because her druggy friends will try to cook meth in it. To no surprise Barb is sporting her blue shirt (drink!) and then the laughs just keep on coming. She’s trying to convince Jenelle that Jace is too young for that gift and will never even remember it when he’s 10. She backs up her claims by stating that she never bought Jenelle or her sister Christmas gifts when they were babies because they would have no idea. She then laughs when she says it and, you know what, I laugh too…in horror. Perhaps Barb is hitting the sauce? Hopefully. She then tries to convince Jenelle to take back the Spiderman gift and get Jace…wait for it…wait for it…a silver cup with his name on it. Hahaha! Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! I am not afraid or embarrassed to admit that this made me walk up to my TV and give Barb a little peck on the cheek. Actually I am both afraid and embarrassed to have admitted that.
It’s Jace’s birthday party! You know it has to be a special day because Barb is sporting a black t-shirt that says something about Cosmo’s and Cocktails on it. Ooo la la. I bet she saw it on the runway in Milan and just had to have it. And, Jenelle’s friggin’ hickeys are now down to the size of just boils so, basically, she’s healing. Barb starts picking on Jenelle right off the bat by saying she should have come early to help instead of showing up just in time. And did anyone notice how Barb can really pronounce her “r’s” when she says, “I don’t care about Kieffer?” Brilliant. See? It’s in there. Is she wants to pronounce them, she can.
I thought this was going to be this huge party, but it ends up being like 3 randoms from Jenelle’s family. Honestly it was so sad when they walked in. They were just like “hi” and Jenelle and Barb were like “heeeeeey” in the kind of way that makes it sound more like “oh, you guys decided to come?” This whole crew needs a spin-off.
Jenelle give Jace his Spiderman bike and, to no surprise, he can’t really ride it because, you know, he’s not 5. Barb was sort of right, I guess. Although, if she really believes he wont remember this and that she didn’t give her own kids Christmas gifts, why even bother with a birthday party? Or talking to him until he’s at least 4 and really starts remembering things? Just me? Just a thought.
Chelsea – We kicks things off with visual overload. Everything is leopard print right away…Megan’s shirt, Chelsea’s sheets…the baby’s crib sheet. Somewhere in aisle 7 of “Wally” Amber must be having an orgasm right now. I’m just glad that we’re using the words “Chelsea” and “bed sheets” in the same sentence connected by the words “has them.” After talking with Adam we learn that he might not pay rent especially if Megan doesn’t. Speaking of Megan, where did her eyebrows go? Did she completely mow them off and draw them in with a thin tip Sharpie? And why does Adam never have a shirt on? It’s like, toss on some clothes you’re making your roommates jealous with your girlish figure.
Chelsea confronts Adam about the whole Megan situation, but somehow he now wants Megan to move out. I’m sorry, huh? What 15 scenes did I miss where this is the next best compromise? Here’s what the rules of the house should be: (1) Everyone needs to stop tanning immediately. You’re all orange. (2) Adam can take some of their tanning time. He’s Casper. (3) All the girls must grow back their eyebrows. (4) Megan has to get pregnant WHILE this season is being filmed. (5) Chelsea must remove 3/4ths of the hair in front of her face whilst she talks. (6) Everyone splits the rent since Chelsea’s dad bought the house. Douchemongers.
Later, Chelsea meets her dad for lunch so she can fill him in on school. For some reason when she walks in her dad is already there and there are already empty cups all over the table. Did he eat first? Did he eat everyones meals first? One may never know, or care. Chelsea is basically 16 years behind on finishing high-school and she wants to get a job. I assumed her dad would tell her to just focus on school but he actually says, “You should get a job at a tanning salon for a day.” Wait, is that not a joke? I started laughing and noticed they weren’t. I mean then I realized they couldn’t hear me and I wasn’t at their table with them. Trust me, tanning is not the option to take right now.
Chelsea ends up having to go home because Adam and Megan are fighting (or maybe having “the sex?”). When Chelsea asks where Megan is, Adam responds, “hopefully dead.” Well aren’t you something. Although he did redeem himself a little when he stated that Megan came into the house to pick up 50 lbs of makeup. That is so rude. Megan doesn’t leave the house without a minimum of 100 pounds of makeup. Get it right, trash box. Blonk.
Next up, Adam ends up getting Megan’s number from his friend and texting her that if she’s not going to pay rent or “nething” than she needs to move out. Is “nething” the new “teen lingo” for “sex and stuff?” I’ll have to Tweet Tyra about that. I’m sure she’ll know. And, did you notice that Chelsea didn’t really do anything to stop him from texting her? She’s so F’d in the head that she actually wants Megan out of there so that she can play house, for real, with Adam…sans shirt.
In the end, Megan ends up having her parents help her move out because Chelsea sucks and finds her own self worth in men. She literally sits there and cries when they’re moving all Megan’s crap out and then Megan finds it in her one last time to yell at Adam before she leaves. Good for her. I guess. I kind of don’t care, but I kind of do. Chelsea’s dad confronts Adam about paying rent and you can totally tell he’s scared out of his mind because he’s like “absolutely.” Dude, you have no money. And put a shirt on, freak. I mean, I don’t want to point fingers, but this is probably how Megan ended up getting pregnant.
Kailyn – Get ready to lapse into a self-inflicted coma because it’s time for Kail. Her friend, the white Deena from Jersey Shore, immediately kicks things off by saying to Kail “your life sucks.” That’s nice. I would have been like, if it sucks so bad why don’t you get off the show that I’m starring in. Also, please everyone, side pony-tails need to go away. And take your banana clips (Snooki) while you’re at it.
I love how Kail and her friend are going to the local trendy coffee shop to chit chat like they’re LC and Kristin from The Hills. It’s really such a yawnfest. Kail is such doom and gloom about everything. If she were one of Michael Jackson’s kids she’d be Wet Blanket. Hey-oh! Seriously, I should just stop the blog here because, let’s face it, it’s only going down hill from this point on.
Later Kail, right from the Sports Authority, heads off to her moms house to let her know that she’s borderline homeless. I must admit I was taken aback by the fact that her mom didn’t live in a dumpster and wasn’t fidgeting the entire time. Although she was sitting outside of the house so it probably wasn’t even her home or neighborhood. But I digest and digress all at the same time (x2). Kail’s mom doesn’t think she should be single mom because it’s a tough choice and it’s a choice she made and had done. Uh, I’m sorry who? What? Where? When? Why? And sometimes Y? She was a single mother and “been there done that?” Really? Sure she did that…sort of…but wasn’t Kailyn not living with her mom from when she got pregnant at 16..or sooner? So basically she was a single mom, but then bailed out when times got really tough. I’m not going to judge though. Too late. Judging. Why won’t she offer Kail to stay with her for a little while at least? It could be great….for us…to see…as long as camera were there. I want to see her mom on a complete and absolute bender from hell. I want to see stuff break…including heads!
Kail ends up breaking up (sort of) with Jo in the car…but she still is going to live back at Jo’s parents house so, well, I guess it all works out? I would have jumped out of the car, slashed her tires, and ran. I’m kidding. I would have pulled out her side ponytail first THEN slashed her tires and ran. I have cool plans like that. The breakup actually ended with “Ok, well I guess I’ll see you back at the house.” Awesome. This chick is bricks. She should ride the wave that is Jo’s parents house for as long as she can because her options are (1) homeless (2) homeless and (3) homeless.
The “next day” Jo’s parents have a family meeting with these two dingbats about their dingbat ways and dingbatednessishlyness. Janet is totally trying to remain even and calm, but her basic message is, “Hey b*tch, get your sh*t together or move the F out and we’re keeping the kid.” Seriously their relationship is the worst. They can both do better. Somehow, they both traded down.
Leah – A developmental therapist is heading over to check on Leah’s baby to see what the deal with her legs are. To no surprise when the doorbell rings and the therapist walks through the door, she has crunchy curly hair. Hooray! Leah should have hugged her and just whispered in her ear “You’re one of us.” The therapist knows right away that something is wrong with the baby’s hips, legs, and feet but all are still waiting for the MRI. Come on, she’ll be fine. Even if she’s not, the magic they can do with stem cells and Barbie legs these days is astounding.
Later Leah chats it up on “the poors” puffy leather with Corey about how they need to communicate more about the baby and her legs. Corey, who claims he’s not a doctor but I find that really hard to believe, thinks her brain can’t tell her legs what to do. If that’s the case they should hire Amber from Teen Mom 1 to come over and yell at the baby until she starts to walk. That certainly works with good old Gar! As a random sitenote, every time I see puffy leather I want to stab a kitchen knife through it. No joke. Remember those infomercials for that “leather patch” fix junk and they would show someone knifing a puffy leather couch? Yeah, well I want to do that. Like, a lot. Moving on.
Oh my dear sweet Jesus and his teen mom Mary. I feel like this next part should have a disclaimer. I’ll just title it “Picture Day.” I mean. What. Leah and Corey take the girls to get their pictures taken and the “adults” decide to dress up in white t-shirts for these professional pictures. At first I thought the picture people would be freaked out…but then I saw it….puffy leather couches in the “changing room.” I repeat. Puffy. Leather. Couches. I want to stab it with a knife. Things take a drastic and unreal turn for the worst when they decide to change out of their “highfalutin” white-tshirts and change into some form of hunting attire and then dress the girls in their very own matching hunting/army attire. I have no words. I have a few. Seriously, what and why. If I had the area code for where these two live I would call DSS stat. And why is Corey smiling in all the pictures like Fire Marshall Bill. It’s like, take it down a notch you’re scaring the photographer and America all at the same time. The pictures came out terrible. It was some creepy black background with the twins up front and then the “parents” lurking/floating in the black background like they’re predators. Terrible. I would have dressed them all up like April and Butch and sat them all on…wait for it…wait for it….puffy leather couches. I would even have let the twins hold butcher knives in case, you know, they felt like stabbing it or some junk.
Next up, Leah and Corey head out to the county fair like they’re living in Gladtown and Pollyanna is about to fall off the roof. They have an adult conversation about going on birth control and Corey wanting a boy and wanting one now. They totally should have unprotected sex! Please, please, please! Do it! It would totally make the show more fun and I especially want to see what happens when she does get pregnant again, but has another set of girl twins. Or a whole litter, like Octomom!
In the end, Corey ends up buying an engagement ring for Leah at a place that says “Jewelry” on the awning. Sweet. He’s really making Gary buying his engagement ring at Walmart look like pure white trash. Will Leah do wet crunchy hair at the wedding? Stay tuned.
Episode Rating: 2 Crying Farrah’s with 2 Dueling Yawning Ryan’s!
Related Teen Mom 2 Links:
Jenelle’s Hickeys = 6 More Weeks of Winter
The One With Barb’s Blue Shirt
Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap: Jenelle Fights Her Mom
Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant Episode Recap – 2010
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage
