Teen Mom 2 Recap: Occupy Barb’s House

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Jenelle – No more sleeps until we find out what in the hell has happened to Barb and her little b*tch of a daughter (that’s you) Jenelle. I was good all year and even my Elf on a Shelf (which I pasted Barb’s face on and gave it a blue shirt) told me I was good and is rewarding me with a nice brawl right here in the very first crapisode!  I mean, the fact that these two can get right in each others face and not bite off an ear like Barb was Tyson and Jenelle was Holyfield is, well, beyond a concept that my mind is even able to grasp.  You know that this episode for Barb will be somber as she is sporting an all black shirt.  Of course I miss the blue shirt, but apparently it’s laundry day and perhaps Barb-o-Matic should just check the front lawn with the rest of the clothes.  Can you even imagine what the white-trash neighbors must think of these two?  It’s like an episode of COPS is playing out their front window each and every day.

The good news is that Jenelle is still sporting her blue A&F hoodie sweatshirt that must smell like the perfect mix of Keiffah, tomato soup, and sub-par effort.  Even little baby Jace, who doesn’t have a chance in hell at life thanks to these two, seems to give Jenelle the side-eye whenever she’s around.  He probably thinks she’s the boom mic operator for all he knows.  Moving on. However, before we can get to the fight, which is sadly the last 5 minutes of the episode, we get to see that Jenelle and Kieffah are sneaking around town because Barb will not allow her to see him.  She seems to think that she can get Jenelle arrested for dating him.  I seem to think that Barb can get arrested for sporting some new thick maroon bangs this season.  I mean really, where do the bangs begin and the top of the scalp end?  Eh, it’s one for the great philosophers.

I have to admit it’s like time has not passed at all for this crew.  Barb is still nuts, Kieffah and Jenelle are wearing the same clothes in, literally, all of their scenes (both seasons), and Jenelle’s random friends are still laying in the same position that they were last season in their disgusting “house.”  Seriously, that house makes my junk itch just looking at it.  I believe it’s technically the set of the Golden Girls and they just let it go.  Everything looks flammable and like it smells like Lindsay Lohan’s spray-tanned-freckled-wrists.  Smears everywhere.  Oh, and that dude with the blond mustache may or may not know he’s trying to school Jenelle on what a loser Keiffah is.  Isn’t that kinda like a Level II sex offender telling a Level III sex offender that they’re doing something wrong?  Same/same, no?

Even though Jenelle and Special K need to sneak around it provides endless laughs for me as she needs to still pick him up right near the grassy knol and corner of a random side street.  Classic Kieffah.  At least it finally explains why he’s always wearing that damn green sweatshirt.  Clearly, he’s trying to camouflage in the grass to keep safe from bears in the woods.  I call that good planning.  That Kieffah is a real go-getter!  However, even after Jenelle made it home by mid-night in order to watch Jace, Barb wouldn’t let her mind him for the day and Jenelle has a mini break-down and continues to make bad decisions thereafter and, well, beforehand too.  To sum up, she is a walking disaster.  Now that we’re on the same page, she even swears at Barb by calling her things like “Dumb b*tch” and “Stupid b*tch” and the like.  I wonder where she gets it from? Let me tell you a little something, if I ever talked to my mother that way I would still be explaining to people why my foot is growing out of my bum-bum.  Nevertheless, Jenelle goes out to see Kieffah and when he drops her off at the house, Barb catches her…like in a “To Catch a Predator” kind of way.  I was just waiting for her to ask Jenelle to take a seat and offer her some lemonade. However, instead of offering Jenelle lemonade she is offering us, as viewers, a nice glimpse of her rump-roast that’s in some tightly fitting stone-washed mom jeans.  As a wise man in his basement taping a public access television show once said, “Schwwwing!”  And then the fight begins…

Whilst it is fun to dissect the fight between Barb and Jenelle (that looks like it was the same as last years fight with the exception of Barb in black) it’s even more fun to pick out the true gems that come out of Barb’s loco boca.  For instance:

  • Well Jenelle, I’ve seen you wif Keiffaaah.  Get out.  Yaw done.
  • This is it, yaw done. Yaw nevaah heaah again.  Good-bye.  (Very formal)
  • Well guess what?  I hope you have fun livin’ in the street wif yaw boooooyfriend (Brilliant)
  • That’s it, go stay wif yaw scummy-ass boyfriend.
  • I thought you broke up with this son-of-a-b*tch?
  • I don’t want it on my property (drops laundry on the sidewalk).  Tell yaw boyfriend to come and pick you up.
  • Yaw too selfish to take care of yaw own kid, ya lil’ b*tch! (Tears in my eyes, whilst I applaud)

I tried to keep the quotes down to a quiet shout, but there were just too many to choose from.  Even the simplest of sentences makes me squeal with delight and, to be honest, the fact that she ended the fight with, “ya lil b*tch” really makes be believe that it was just for me.  Just. For. Me.   I also quite enjoyed when Barb passes the baby off to Mike and he gets smacked with the label, “Barbara’s Boyfriend.”  I mean, come on this sh*t just doesn’t make itself up.  And did you see the force she used when passing the baby off to Mike?  Someone has been getting some bigger muscles from cutting the honey turkey sliced thin at the deli counter in Walmart!  Move over Shake Weight!  It’s time to get in shape by slicing processed meats!

You know the neighbors were all peeping out the window and were like, “Feets don’t fail me now!” when they saw Barb dump all those beautiful clothes on the front lawn.  The only thing missing was some obese toothless woman in a housecoat screaming “Yaaaaaaard Sale!” at the top of her cigarette smoke filled lungs.  I actually felt bad for Jenelle when she was left sitting on the curb with her basket of unmentionables  (like it was her own version of Occupy Wall Street) waiting to see what her next move would be.  I’m joking.   I loved it.  I loved it because you know that Keiffah will be using that laundry basket as a pot for his meth lab.  I have no idea how you make meth, but I assume a pot is involved.

In the end, the fight brought tears of joy to my dead-behind-the-eyes because Barb was in rare (and rear) form.  She may be playing up to the camera but I honestly think she’s playing up to me, specifically.  And when she was bent over screaming in Jenelle’s face and we caught a little glimpse of Barb’s heaving bosom (?), well that Mike is one lucky man.  Tune in Tokyo tonight for sure! P.S., If you like this recap, help me sell out by clicking the Facebook “recommend” button and spread the word! If not, get the hell out of here. Yaaaaw dead to me, ya lil b*tch!

Chelsea – Sidenote, all these specific recaps won’t be as long as Jenelle’s because, well, I can’t stand the rest of the cast.  Moving on.  Just to catch everyone up on Chelsea, this garbage can is still bricks.  Caught up?  Good.  Chelsea is still trying to figure out if the cow really did jump over the moon and pass her GED.  I mean, at this point just take the test and answer “B” for every question and let the chips just fall where they may.  Chelsea is really morphing into Meg Griffin this season by sporting almost the same exact hat and glasses.  Per usual, I found myself shouting at the TV, “Shut up, Meg!”

Chelsea is all nervous because Adam has come out of the woodwork and wants to suddenly see Aubree.  I’m sure the fact that they’ve started filming again has nothing to do with this at all.  Since she’s the kind of girl that finds self-confidence from men who treat her poorly it only makes sense that she’s going to allow Adam to come over to the house to see them both.  While Aubree is busy drinking apple juice and arsenic out of her bottle, Chelsea is busy getting ready for Adam’s visit by doing her hair and making sure that, literally, half of it is in front of her face.  That’s a style, nowhere.  Either way, Adam comes on over and his flirting with Chelsea via his Pam Anderson barb-wire tattoo that 98% of people began to regret in 1996.  I mean, why not just get the Tasmanian Devil on your shoulder while you’re at it?  Trash heap.  Adam keeps trying to kiss Chelsea and basically uses his daughter to flirt with her, which brings the creep factor to tilt.  You know what else creeps me out?  The fact that Chelsea’s mom is sporting an embroidered sweatshirt all while having a nose ring.  One of these things doesn’t belong.  I’m kidding, they both don’t belong.  Trick question/song.

In the end, Chelsea picks rotten pumpkins with her random friend and tries to pretend that she won’t get back with Adam because she is one step away from throwing up her meals and cutting herself in the bathroom with Aubree’s Play-Doh knife.  I’m already bored with this one, but on the other hand, I think I’ve just given myself the idea that I might want to play Play-Doh next week while watching this show.  The More You Know.

Leah – Ugh, her again.  Leah is totally the Maci of this series for me.  As soon as I see her I punch myself square in the nuts, which is odd because my nuts are round.  Then I find Sponge Bob and punch him square in the nuts because, well, that finally makes sense.  Anywhereareyourcrunchycurls, since this is the first episode Leah made sure to spruce up her bleach-blond clip on weave, just like mothers in Biblical times did.  Leah is having a real hard time keeping her sanity because she’s over her kids and wants to get a job so she can escape the asbestos of the trailer and make enough money so that she and Corey can buy gas.  I shat you not.  That’s what she said.  Uh, I’m pretty sure MTV is paying you enough money that you could even get Super at the gas station.   Plus, where the hell do they live again?  I’m almost certain they can ride on lawnmowers to get to their destination.  Sure that takes gas too, but not a lot.  And if worse came to worse, I mean where are they going really?  Walmart to visit Barb?  Shop online.  Corey isn’t comfortable with Leah getting a job because he’s afraid she’s going to flirt with her co-workers.  Seriously, Russell Armstrong yourself.  Too soon?  Yeah, because when Leah flirts there’s nothing guys love more than seeing a hot chick with a Britney Spears fright-wig and then hear that she’s 19 years old and has two 1 year old twins at home…in which the home is a trailer.  Hot.  Sexy.  Sexy hot.  I mean, she could flirt by taking off her pants and winking with her gentlemen greeter but, again, the two twins at home?  Deal breaker.

After Leah started filling out applications…at the Hallmark store her sexy MILF of a mom calls her to let her know that the Dentist office she works at is looking for an assistant.  Really?  They’re that busy?  How many people in the town even have teeth?  Regardless, Leah interviews with the dentist and gets hired right on the spot.  I guess even though she doesn’t have any experience with teeth she got the job because the dentist is confident in her ability to read names out loud in the waiting room.  Let’s just hope no one is named, “Geneticist.”  Hey-oh!  In the end, Corey isn’t overly psyched that Leah got a job because he’s still afraid she’s going to flirt with the toothless homeless people in the dentist chair.  Since we know these two are getting a divorce (y’all) we can assume why all of Corey’s scenes consisted of him talking to Leah about her flirting…about her sexy crunchy curls style flirtin’.

Kail – Why is she still on this show?  I’m going to be ashamed of myself for saying this, but Kail seems like the most put together out of this whole bunch.  I give her extra points because her mom, Suzi, seems like she’s done permanent damage to Kail’s brain.  The main emphasis around Kail’s scenes deals with Halloween and trick-or-treating.  Where the hell is Janet?  I’m sorry if Janet isn’t going to be in each episode with Kail well then I’m not sure I want to watch.  I’m kidding, I’ll watch.  What the hell else am I going to do?  Read?  Hahaha.  I’m joking, I’m allergic to books and the written word.

Kail ends up calling Joe and they have a civilized conversation about him letting Kail take the baby early so she can go trick-or-treating with him.  That’s nice that they can communicate like this now.  I bet they’re banging.  I won’t even mention the fact that she’s planning on taking him out trick-or-treating at 8:00 at night.  Get the hell to bed.  It gets dark at like 5:30.  Wrap it up.  I’m referring to the trick-or-treating and in regards to condoms too.  Anyyawn, Issac is dressed up as a giraffe, Jordan is dressed up as a baby, and Kail is dressed up as a cowgirl, which really sucks because she totally should have gone as the Cowardly Lion.  Or Janet with rabies and in heat!  Ole!  Seriously, nothing else happens with Kail and I’m tired of writing what I can only assume is a 300 page manifesto of the season premiere of Teen Mom 2.  I hate me.

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