Cut the bull (literally), I’m back! I was on vacation in a place where the sun makes it hot outside and I get to get a tan. It’s nice. I also saw a palm tree give birth to a tiny tot. I may have been “the drunk.” Moving on, it’s time for me to catch up on all things Teenage Mutant Ninja Mother. I have to admit I found it shocking that the series isn’t over, but instead there are a good 10-ish crapisodes left. This week let’s find out what’s new with Joanie, Chachi, Chrissy, Jack and Janet. I’m not quite sure. Either way join me on Facebook so we’ll never have to be apart again!
Jenelle – Good morning! It’s time for boobs! Before Jenelle can go buy some boobs at the store, Barb is busy microwaving up pancakes for Jace and pouring him a glass of Sunny D. I mean, don’t think I didn’t see that giant bottle sitting on the counter in the background. How that whole family hasn’t caught the diabetes and sport permanent grape Kool-Aid mustaches is beyond me. Anyohyeah Jenelle, her friend, and Special K are up bright and early so that a doctor, in what I can only assume is a legit drive-thru plastic surgery center, can stuff self confidence in Jenelle’s chest. Hopefully he can also upgrade her value meal, you know, cuz a camera crew and junk are there. Legit, 2 hours later Jenelle is being wheeled out of the drive-thru in an ode to Anna Nicole in a hot pink sweat suit. By the way, enough time has passed for proper Anna Nicole jokes, right? Trim-Spa baby! After the gang loads up into the bad guys car from Who Framed Roger Rabbit they all head back to Jenelle’s house where she moans the entire time. She says she can’t lift her arms, but I think that’s just the lazy talking. If there was “da weed” right in front of her something tells me she’s muster up enough energy to spark it up. Also, bonus points, to the genius who left the keys in the front door and then closed it. Now anyone can break in any time they want and steal all the American Eagle hoodies food stamps can buy! Jenelle is ready for her medicine, which I think makes perfect sense. Nothing helps a “recovering” drug addict quite like muscle relaxers. I mean, I hear they toast your 12th chip at AA with Sake Bombs. Mmmm, when’s break time!?
Later, we get a .04 second screenshot of Pirate Mike watching Jace. They should totally do the Happy Days audience strategy and cue the applause when we see our favorite characters. As an important sidenote, I always confuse the word “applause” and “applesauce.” No joke, I can barely read it correctly. I’m seeing a West Virginian geneticist about that, y’all! Whilst Pirate Mike is stinking up the house with Lucky Strikes, Barb is heading over to Jenelle’s house for a surprise (damn it!) visit (I said!). Dear baby Moses I love Barb. I’ma take Barbara Evan’s style, I’ma take Barbara Evan’s style. No for real, ask Barb, can I have her hand-me-downs? Blue Walmart shirt and some house slippers. Pirate Mike’s leather jacket that I found diggin’. Anyway, no one will answer the door when Barb rings the bell (where are the keys?) so she just bolts to the back of the house and opens up the sliding back door herself. No spoiler alert here, we always knew Barb liked it in the back door. See what I did there? I’m an absolute disgrace. Barb is ready to beat Jenelle amongst the breasts right off the bat, but Jenelle is too hopped up on muscle relaxers to really fight it out. We do learn, however, that Jenelle bought a nice C-cup and you can totally see the jealousy in Barb’s eyes. She looks at Jenelle like she’s the Hooter’s waitress that stole Pirate Mike away from her! Meanwhile a special delivery of flowers shows up at the house and the creepy roommate has to hide them because they’re from Gary. All at the same time Barb corners the roommate in her room to make sure she hides the medication from Kieffah so that he doesn’t steal it from Jenelle. Seconds later, Barb is sneaking into the bathroom with Jenelle so she can empty her bladder all whilst the roommate starts to question Kieffah on what he’s really doing here. That’s right folks, this has officially turned into an episode of Three’s Company. The only thing that was missing was Mr Firley peeping through the window, but truth be told if Barb put on a leisure suit and tied a silk scarf around her neck she legit could be Firley. Dear God please will this to life!
Sadly, the relationship between Jenelle and Kieffah is coming to a close. I know, I was as surprised as you. Even more sad, is the fact that once again the cameras weren’t there to capture anything. I mean make her at least where a helmet cam if you’re not going to be doing your job, camera people! We see Barb basically dragging Big J out of her car and into the house. It was a nice change of pace to see Barb in a light yellow t-shirt. It makes me crave Springtime. Apparently Special K cracked the case of “who sent the flowers” and was none too pleased. Since there were no cameras I’m sure that part was made up and the huge fight probably centered around how not one person in that house was intelligent enough to figure out how to open up the medicine bottle. Just drink some bleach and call it a day. And was it just me or did Jenelle seem pissed that Barb told her that Jace would be back around 5:00? I mean, who has him? What, does he have a job or something? Is this like a soap opera where next thing you know Jace walks into the house and is in his early twenties? At this point I’d settle for Pirate Mike walking in with a diaper and a binky. As all of this is going on, Special K meets up with his friend on some picnic table (a step up from the grassy knoll, holla!) and debriefs this alleged drug dealer and spills the beans that he’ll be taking a bus back to New Jersey. Like, can you just get on a bus in North Carolina and be like, “Uh, to New Jersey please!” Truth be told I don’t know my way around a map and for all I know North Carolina could border Connecticut. Although, good for me for spelling Connecticut correctly on my first try. Take that spell-check!
In the end, Barb drops off Jenelle back at her own place because Gary is coming over for the weekend so he can “take care of her” and probably “peek at her new rack whilst Jenelle is overly medicated.” Sure everyone thinks Jenelle is super high, but I don’t think she really is. Usually when she’s high she smiles. She is just basically sleepy-pants right now. Awww cute. Zzzzz Zzzzz Zzzzz. I’m kidding. She’s drugged. I’m not sure the status of Gary in terms of current drug use, but let’s just assume he is under the influence since he’s willing to be locked in a house with Jenelle for 2 days while she’s agitated. Jenelle really appreciates him helping out, but feels bad that she can’t cuddle with him. I mean, she said her chest and arms hurt. She didn’t say anything about her mouth or hand. Is she can swallow medicine, well, then…
Leah – Hey y’all I’m back! Leah may have been kicked to the curb like Ricki Lake used to say circa 1992, but that doesn’t mean she lost the skank in her. Jeremy has been invited over so that the camera crew can catch “2nd Choice” in motion. I’m a little confused, however, by Leah trying to warm up Jeremy to the idea of getting back together considering she asked him two times in 60 seconds if she can have her ring back. The only ring this bricks should be begging for is Nuva. Hey-oh! Drop the mic and give my nuts a knuckle sandwich because I’m done! Since Jeremy is the low-self-esteem-chick in this bent love triangle he, of course, happens to have the ring in his pocket. Probably along with crabs. There should be a disclaimer when they’re going to close up on 2nd Choice’s hands because it turns my stomach to see his alcoholic fingers. Gross. They’re like diddler sticks, for Pete’s sake. Leah convinces Jeremy that she really loves him and just wanted Corey because (A) she wanted the girls to have a family (yawn) and (B) she has a thing for beaver teeth. Fine, I made that part up. Considering Jeremy may only know upwards of 10 words he was an easy sell and he’s all in.
Later, Leah is sitting on the poor front stairs of her mom’s house all whilst Uncle Kracker plays in the kitchen with the one without the glasses. No joke, he could be playing with a legit Mrs. Potato Head and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Is Leah’s sister the actual daughter of Uncle Kracker? She looks nothing like the mother. Praise God for small miracles. I jest. She’s quite the dish. The sister wants to know if Leah was trying for Corey so much because she didn’t want her girls to go through what they went through having a “broken home.” I mean, who cares? Really. You’re both on television so just be grateful. I know people whose parents divorced and they never even had the chance to get pregnant as a teenager and be on MTV, so consider yourself lucky. And don’t even get me started on people I know who never even had wood paneling!
Meanwhile, Corey is “doing dip” (I have no idea) and sitting on the end up a pickup truck parked at the edge of the woods talking to his dad. Per usual, banjos could basically just be playing this entire time. Corey sounds like he needs a shot of Nyquil and should blow his nose. I yelled towards my TV, “Do you think it could be a post-nasal drip? You gotta get that up and out!” I then dabbed my television with a tissue in case that would help Corey but, alas, nothing can help a perma-cold. Corey is half-talking to his dad about Leah and says they kept going back and forth and his dad legit said, “What does that mean…back and forth?” I was like, wait literally? I actually think he had never heard of those words before. Eh, he seems like good people. I am just horrible. Terrible. Horrible terrible. I’m not. Anway, his dad tries to give him some advice about finally moving on, but I tuned out because I actually started to think about what I would do if I lived in that part of America and then tried to figure out how hard it would be to start a truck, place a boulder on the gas pedal, and then have enough time to run in front of the truck and lay down on the ground. Is that like trying to pat the top of your head and rub your stomach at the same time? Nearly impossible.
In the end, after a traditional kid-parking-lot-swap-off, Leah and 2nd Choice head off to her mom’s house so they can give them the kids since I’m sure the drive over was more than they could handle. They both stretched out on the couch and I was saddened that it wasn’t puffy leather. Although it looked rough…like it could give you rug-burns if you fell asleep on it. These two ding-bats decide that they’d rather not slow things down, but plan their dream “beach wedding” in the next few months and buy a house all at the same time. Sounds great! My favorite part was when Leah was trying to convince him/herself that she really wanted to be with him by saying things like, “I mean, who else in the world would I really want to be with?” And other favorites like, “Honestly I want to be with you…honestly.” I smell a Pinocchio! A Pinocchio with braces!
Kail – It’s so hot outside that you can bet the food stamps are pretty much sticking to your legs. Can you image the burn you’d get from the puffy leather on a day like that? Either way, it’s summer for “the poors” and that can only mean one thing. It’s time to fill up the plastic pool via your pasta pot. Just 10,034 more trips from the kitchen and Issac will be able to swim until he turns into a prune and then (and only then) will it finally be revealed if he really is the son of Jo. I mean, we know he’s the son-of-a-shut-yo-mouf. After Javi finished pouring sauce into the pool and the dog basically took a giant p*ss in it, Issac was ready to swim. Per usual, I was heartbroken that Janet wasn’t pool-side in a sting bikini with a net-top doing the Roger Rabbit and spitting out “Pumps and a bump. Pumps and a bump. We like the girls with the pumps and a bump” all whilst Jo’s bald father “made it rain” all over her ass with Chuck E. Cheese coupons. Groupon that, b*tch! Legit I may be having a stroke. That’s the only explanation. Anycurls, Kail and Javi decide that it’s time to confuse Issac once again on who his daddy is by making the choice to live together (in sin). At this point, more men have visited Issac in his short little life than Santa Claus has. Both Javi and Kail want to make sure they’re not “rushing into anything.” The only thing they should be rushing into is poverty. And stat.
I have to be honest (no I don’t), the rest of Kail’s episode is a snooze. Shocker, I know. Kail meets up with random friends we’ve never seen before so they can ask her questions about Jo, Javi, and moving in together. They’re probably just the producers in disguise. Eh, at this point they don’t even care to disguise themselves. They could basically just sit Vicki the Robot in front of Kail and have it spew out questions. Wow. How old am I? Scratch that. They could basically just sit Teddy Ruxpin in front of Kail and have it spew out questions. I’m pretty old. Her “friend” keeps asking her what the next step would be for her and Javi after they move in together. I mean get a clue, bricks. What step do you think is next? Let’s see. She already has a kid and a house and a car and unsanitary long hair…what could be next after that? While most would say “marriage” I of course would assume “murder-suicide.” I’m joking. Of course they’ll get married. We’ll get to read about it on the cover of Us Weekly and it will sell literally ten’s of copies.
To wrap things up (because I’m over it), it’s moving day for Javi! Where’s the moving truck? Oh. He has literally a tiny suitcase and a carry-on bag. Legit American Airlines wouldn’t even charge him for any of that. He’s basically like, “Where can I store my 3 pairs of underwear and 1 Hanes t-shirt?” Luckily, Kail left him one drawer and the rest of her closet that’s being hidden by a sheet. Why not just use the sheet for the bed and string up Javi’s underwear and t-shirts to block the closet? In the end they decide to have a discussion about who’s gonna pay the bills. I perked up immediately and looked all around for Janet. I was waiting for her to appear in a leather skirt and matching tank-top singing, “Can you pay my bills, can you pay my telephone bills, can you pay my automobile, if you did then maybe we could chill. I don’t think you do…so you and me are through.” Then she’s grab her crotch, spit, and put her tongue between her two fingers in Kail’s direction. I’m not joking I need to seek out professional help. Don’t get pregnant kids!
Chelsea – Wants to move to a different Dakota.