Well, well, well. Looks likes another season of Teen Mom 2 has snuck up on me. I didn’t even know it was back until I looked down at my DVR at 10pm and saw the red light was on. I was like, what? And then saw it was DVR’ing (or ‘taping’ as I still like to call it) and was like, “Wow my DVR just read me.” Either way, buckle up because here we are.
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Leah – Hey y’all! Leah. Is. Back. And if you thought for even one second she’s spent any time cleaning up her house since the last time we’ve seen her you’d be sadly mistaken. She’s adding more to the hoard, which makes me feel like she’s really gearing up for a Hoarders spinoff in late 2017. Right off the bat she’s in a complete panic because she has to take her girls to school or “the book house” as I’m sure they call it. They have to be up at 5am and the girls are not having it one bit. Leah has to basically hook cooked bacon to a fishing rod and then lure them out of bed with it. I might be making that part up, but the point is everyone lives in squalor and it’s the only real explanation why no body ever takes a brush to their hair…because said brush is lost under some pile of garbage and half-inside-out clothes piles in one of the 15 rooms they live in. They should at least Little Mermaid that sh*t and use a fork. Or a fly swatter. Or, I mean, spray some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter into their palms, work it around for 30 seconds, and then use their dirty fingers to style. At this point I no longer have a clue what I’m talking about. Welcome back.
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Leah can barely get the kids out of the house for school and Ali Lasandra La Salle III is freaking out over no one buying her Lunchables for school lunch. The blonde sister, Adrianska La Escuela, is pissed because she hasn’t had breakfast, lunch isn’t looking too promising, and she’s f’n tired. She guilts Leah whilst in the car on the way to school by crying and saying she’s hungry, she’s cold, and hasn’t had breakfast. At one point she tells her to take them home because she doesn’t trust Leah at all. Hmm that seems healthy. And she doesn’t know why Leah won’t take her suggestion of stopping at the gas station for lunch. Let me repeat that. Leah won’t take her suggestion…of stopping at the gas station for lunch. Gas station. Gas. Station. Is my television scratch-n-sniff because I’m pretty sure I can smell the poverty from my couch. Leah is ready to wreck the truck when the blonde sasses her by saying that “Daddy” always gives them breakfast. Leah should have been like, “Daddy? Which one?” That’s right…total burn. All of a sudden these kids think they’re royalty and should get breakfast and lunch? Ugh millennials. I mean, I assume that’s what that word means.
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I have a question? Why does Leah make it seem like getting up at 5am is like getting up at 2am? At first I was thinking that it was pretty early to get the kids to school, but then was like…wait a second. Anyway, the kids make it to school and learn something, I assume. Hopefully they got breakfast, which is most likely a moldy Pop Tart and a cup of Tang. And I pray to God one of their teachers took a comb to that absolute mess that sits on top of their head. Meanwhile, we get to suffer through a quick scene with Corey, the West Virginian beaver mascot, where I still don’t really understand much of what he’s saying. I think he’s trying to get full custody of the kids. I mean, he could have been reciting the Gettysburg Address. No way to tell. All I know is that his house is pretty much one of the little cabins in Three Little Pigs that the big bad wolf blew over. And Miranda Rights’ hair is so blindingly blond that I had two seizures and soiled my underpants. Twice.
In the end, Leah and Corey take Ali to Dr. Tsao Chicken because she’s been falling a ton and he pretty much is complete doom and gloom. First off, he’s like, “You should get a wheelchair expert to fix the wheel chair” and then he suggests Leah apply to the Make a Wish Foundation to get a new wheelchair. By the end of the conversation he just keeps saying that by the time she reaches 7 years old everything will go downhill. So that sucks. Oh, and I just remembered the other sister was chugging a bottle of Sprite in the back of the truck. So there’s that.
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Jenelle – Our favorite lil b*tch of a daughtaaah is back! Here’s the thing about Jenelle…she might always be talking about endless court cases (which is a total yawn), but she’s smart enough now to be 100% camera ready. She looks like she’s ready to head out to “da club” and it’s only 11am. I approve. Finally Kim Kardashian has taught someone something!
In this first episode, Jenelle is still having a hard time co-parenting with Nathan because, you know, all they do is yell and scream at each other. But this time around the conversation over the phone doesn’t go half bad…that is until Nathan references that Jenelle is a felon and she freaks out. She’s like, “Um, I have a misdemeanor not a felony charge.” Like all of a sudden a misdemeanor equals skipping your turn at Chutes & Ladders. She is literally insulted by him saying this. What a world we live in. Either way, Jenelle is still in trouble for “splashing” some water on Nathan’s girlfriend and accidentally throwing the water glass into her face. Butter fingers!
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I think the thing that Jenelle is most freaked out about this episode is that fact that she could get a felony charge. She keeps talking to her friend and saying things like, “I’m never going to be able to get a job in the medical field.” For real, the drinking game word of the night is “medical field.” She even tells her lawyer, via Skype, that she’s about to enter the medical field and needs to get a job. I mean, she basically completed a 12 week program so she can make sure envelopes don’t have Anthrax in them. Suddenly she’s the Queen of England. It’s like, relax, you can always sell your body if worse comes to worse…or go live on this beautiful grassy knoll that one Mr. Disrespectful lives on. I believe his name is, “Kieffaaaah” AKA “I see you wif Kieffah” which now oddly sounds like “Wiz Khalifa.” Who knew Barb was so hip?! Eh, I guess we always knew she was a paaaahhhhty girl just like Jenelle.
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Meanwhile, we get to meet Nathan’s girlfriend. She looks….nice and not at all like she stars in tens-of-dozens of bukkake films. Moreover, Nathan is still dressing like he’s working the register at men’s Express circa 2001. Never retire those silk black short sleeve button downs tucked into those grey stretch pants with a thick black leather belt, shiny silver buckle, and chunky Aldo shoes Never. Stop. Anyway, his girlfriend is clearly a busy-body who wants to get all involved in this legal drama and I’m not entirely sure she doesn’t know she’s not filming Jersey Shore right now. And I’m not entirely sure I’m not watching it right now. Next.
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In the end, Kaiser is sick, Jace is spilling “red drink” all over the house and Barb is on her way to pick him up. Have more beautiful words ever been spoken? I am, of course, pissed that MTV waited until 10:49 to start a scene with Barb, but it certainly didn’t disappoint. First off she’s in the most stunning spring floral dress I’ve ever seen. And she’s sporting her standard flat sandals for spring because, well, Lilith Fair must be right around the corner. Her bangs are, per usual, gelled down and start towards the back of her head. Basically, she’s everything I want in life and more. I found myself squealing with absolute delight when her very first words of the new season was, “Oh, hi Jenelle.” I legit think she does that just for me. At least that’s what I ask my Jesus for.
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Jenelle is picking a fight with our poor little Barb and Barb starts to cry and say, “You’re so mean to me!” Technically I think she said, “Yaw always so friggin’ mean to me ‘specially when I drive my caaaah all the way up heeeeaaaah.” Ironically my TV subtitles just said, “WTF?” You know what I never noticed about my beloved before? That wonderful underbite she has when she cries. At one point I thought her mouth was turning on her face and was about to eat her nose. Either way, Jenelle is really letting her have it and letting her know that there are three things she doesn’t want to talk about: (1) Nathan’s court case (2) Barb’s court case and (3) Kesha. Barb storms off with Jace, who at this point must be old enough to wonder why he has two mom’s and if they’re lesbians. The short hair isn’t helping Barb’s case.
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Kailyn – For those of you still wondering, yes, Kail still hates Javi and I’m pretty sure he hates her. Good to see not much has changed in the past year. Actually, not much else changed at all. Javi still doesn’t love Jo. Vee is still 9.5 months pregnant. Everyone is pretending to try and get along. Suzi is no where to be found. NOR is Janet. I almost want to go on strike until one of them shows up on my screen. Preferably doing the whip and the nae nae. Watch me, watch me.
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I’m not joking (I’m not kidding Maddie) either Kail barely had any screen time this week or I blacked it all out. All I remember is that Kail was doing family photos in a field and Javi decided not to go at the last minute. Did anything else happen? I’m sure they all ate in a dirty restaurant. Oh wait, yeah they totally did. After pictures were taken they all (Jo and Vee included) decided to go out to eat (at that dirty restaurant…the kind of place that allows Jo to wear a plain white t-shirt to it) and Kail calls to invite Javi, but he doesn’t want to go at all. In fact, he wants Kail to bring Lincoln home first because he thinks Lincoln shouldn’t be with Jo and Vee. What interesting names everyone has. Why am I just noticing this now?! Anyway, Javi is being basically being a lil b*tch of a daughtaaaah and sasses Kail on the phone while she tries to drive and not get killed. Is it wrong that I still kinda want Kail and Jo to get back together? If you’re tallying at home…reason #3,781 why I need a life.
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In the end, everyone eats and they all basically side-eye about Javi the entire time. Seriously, for the life of me I can’t remember anything else happening.
Chelsea – Is kinda normal.
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