Welcome back my friends of Ye Old Teenage Mother! Let’s recap our way to freedom…
Jenelle – Barb is such a barrel of laughs (and possible monkeys) in this episode. She’s so young and carefree. I wonder if she’s been contacted by Dancing With the Stars like I pray to Jesus Claus each and every night before I go to bed? Either way, she’s laughing up a storm whilst having a little meal with Jenelle and her two kids, Tito and Ike. I think we should all just assume that Barb has been hit with the same kind of dart that stops a charging rhino because when Jenelle tells her she’s going to NYC with David for her birthday, she just replies with “Well, that’s good.” Uh, I’m sorry what now?! I was waiting for her to dropkick her and then look into the camera yelling, “Slap into a Slim Jim. Eat me!” But, alas, she did not. I did, however, squeal with delight when she asked Jenelle if she missed all the fighting in her relationship and then laughed out loud. She really did LOL or LOLBOTLBOAD (laugh out loud because of that little b*tch of a daughtaaah – but you knew that).
Later, Barb is getting all Judge Judy on our asses by giving Jenelle free legal advice on her charges or chaaaahhhhges. Jenelle lets her know that her lawyer is advising her to give Nathan and Nathan’s giant Cabbage Patch head visitation rights and then maybe he’ll drop the charges. Apparently with all the years of Divorce Court I assumed Barb watched she’s not overly in the know about what Jenelle is charged with. Jenelle is basically like, “I beat a b*tch with a weapon” (I’m paraphrasing, at best) and Barb is like, “Uh yeah, dats simple assault, right?” She’s like, no big whoop! Jenelle explains it’s assault and battery and Barb looks at her like, “So, like, double A’s?” However, Barb gets into Marcia Clark mode and suggests Jenelle give Nathan visitation with Tito only if they drop dem god-damn chaaaahges. Just plead the 5th and call it a day. Oh, and for those of you playing along at home, Barb’s hair part is starting officially halfway at the top of her head. It’s basically a “bangs or bust” kind of day.
Meanwhile Nathan stays committed to staying tanned even in the winter months, which looks really natural. He’s chit-chattin’ like school girls who have synced up their periods with his friend about not seeing his son in over 5 weeks and how Jenelle needs to pay for what she’s done. I mean. They could have been having an actual rap-off, but I was sidetracked with trying to figure out if you could technically lose your arm when your sleeves are that high and tight.
Jenelle, David and two friggin randoms head off to the Big Orange (New York City, duh) so they can do every touristy thing possible. That includes things like living in Times Square, eating at Planet Hollywood (my dream), and going to a discotech american. Ahhh a traditional New York night. #Worst And they kept saying that they loved the hotel they were staying in, but when MTV kept showing the outside of the ‘hotel’ it was always a shot of the top of the building with all the balconies and I’m pretty sure it was just an apartment. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I want to feel like I’m solving mysteries when I watch this shiz and I feel like I just did.
When it’s time to head out for Jenelle’s actual birthday everyone goes for dinner at a ‘traditional eye-talian restaurant.’ We know this due to the red and white checkered tablecloths. Ooo la la, so fancy. Jenelle is sitting there in a gold glitter dress with her rack-attack hanging out and looking totally miserable. She’s complaining of having extreme anxiety and then complains that the room seems too small and she needs it bigger. David ‘fixes’ things by allowing Jenelle to rest her head on his shoulder. Birthdays look like a real blast. Also, I have to admit that Jenelle actually looks good. But then she opens that mouth and drops so many “Dude, I’m not kidding dude” statements that I immediately see her driving an 18-wheeler.
The next day they wake up in the apartment-hotel (got ya!) and Jenelle is already apologizing for being a douche the night before, so that’s nice. David immediately wants to discuss trying to get custody of Jace. Uh, hey there newbie. Diddle much? Luckily Barb and Jace save the day by calling Jenelle to sing Happy Birthday to her and it was what dreams are made of. If Barb DOESN’T call me or contact me via Facebook (here) on my birthday I shall give up on life as I know it. Perhaps I’ll get into making apple butter. One never knows. As a sidenote, how much love does Jenelle have in her voice when she talks to Jace? No wonder why he’s always falling asleep in school. Her voice puts me to sleep! However, props to Barb for telling Jenelle, “Don’t you drink too much or you’ll have a big hangovvvaaaaah when you have to fly!” Barb needs to start her own fortune cookie brand STAT.
In the end, they head home (I assume) and discuss where the term “horsepower” came from and, surprisingly, they were pretty accurate. I’m not sure why this conversation made the final edit, but it did. See? You learn something when watching Ye Old Teenage Mother.
Leah – Well the good news is that Leah found a comb this week. I guess winning enough ski-ball games really pays off in cash and prizes after all! The bad news is that Leah still doesn’t own her kids during the week. She’s still leasing them on the weekends. I think that’s how that all works. This week we also get to see a little bit of Jeremy, which I have mixed feelings about. It seems like just a couple weeks ago he didn’t want to film and would sass his way in and out of our lives. But this week he’s spending some time reading lines at the highway drop off so Leah can get back one of her other kids.
The ‘other kid’ really doesn’t want any part of Leah either. She’s cryin’ and frettin’ and so Jeremy asks her what she wants to do. She looks at him like, “Um, shit my diaper?” Leah tries to play coy and says to her daughter (can you tell yet I still can’t remember her name??) “Ok…mommy is going to go home by herself….bye-bye” and the kid looks at her like, “So?” Leah breaks character and basically yells at her kid for not giving a crap if Leah went home or not. So she drags her out of the car and then shoots the shiz with Jeremy outside of the car on the highway (a traditional date spot in W. Virginia). She’s all flirty and has her face washed and is really loving it all. Jeremy suggests they meet up at some point to talk about ‘things.” Leah squeals with delight and then wants to know what he wants to talk about because she “now has her stuff together for once so wants to be prepared.” Relax Leah. He probably wants to take time to count and see how many kids Leah technically has. You really need to dedicate time.
Later Leah’s sister (?? – I can’t keep up) is talking to her about what she thinks Jeremy wants to talk about and Leah is basically answering the question whilst trying on wedding dresses and pulling out her Nuva-Ring with her man hands. And was it just me or when Leah was talking about how many they shouldn’t have gotten divorced her sister was kind of just zoned out and looking off into the other room. I couldn’t tell if she was just bored or was crashing from the 15 cups of Kool-Aid I assume they drank before breakfast.
Date night with Leah and Jeremy is everything I could have hoped for and more. However, the fact that they’re not having drinks in a rusted-out-dumpster while Chasity plays, “I’m in the Mood for Love” on her 3rd grade recorder was a real missed opportunity, in my humble opinion. I’m sure you’d agree. Anyjunkies, Leah and Jeremy are all drinky and flirty and if my white-trash-o-meter is still properly functioning I’m guessing she’ll be knocked-to-the-up by the time dessert arrives (which is, of course, Devil Dogs).
Leah is all “I’m soooo drunk” and Jeremy is all so, “You’re a drunk.” Eh, good for them. You have a combined total of around 245 kids. Have some fun. Leah finally admits to being a bit buzzed because she “never drinks.” If you noticed the moon wasn’t in the sky tonight it’s because it was locked in a permanent eye-roll when Leah said that. Even the camera man probably fell over and they had to re-shoot the entire scene, Hills style.
The ‘fun times’ slowly turned into tears when Jeremy admitted that he basically gave up on Leah because she was a hot mess with a terrible case of “Cheetos Around the Collar.” I guess. On the flip side, Leah thinks that Jeremy never listened to her either. I’m not entirely sure what he didn’t listen to her over but is it ok to throw out there it must have been centered around the proper usage of condoms? I’d also like to go on record stating that I’d like to see Leah back with Jeremy and get the hell out of West Virginia. Also, picking up a book from time to time wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.
In the end, Leah was all drunk tears and using ‘those hands’ to wipe her tears away. Why does she never really use her fingers, but more just the palms? So many questions. Also, I finally realized when she was crying who she reminded me of. A young Kim Richards from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There’s definitely a crispy chicken quality to her. I guess we’ll just all have to stay tuned to see where this nets out.
Kail – Well it’s just days way until Javi ships out to most likely defeat ISIS. Oddly it’s not the terrorist group ISIS, it’s the other group. You know. The ‘Is Suzi Injecting Sangria’ group. I guess they’re just basically trying to find out if Suzi is off the wagon. Let’s all hope for the best and tie a yellow ribbon around a tree, you know, for sport. Anyway, Javi is going away and Kail wants her kids to spend as time with him as possible. Sadly the whole episode really centers around that. Yawnsville.
Poor Issac is a mess about Javi peacing out. Another male role model disappearing. Poor Issac. Had he been a girl this is probably the precise moment that would lead him to becoming a stripper later in life. Eh, maybe he still will. You know who almost seems relieved that Javi is leaving for 6-months? Kail. Yup. She keeps saying “This hasn’t sunk in for me yet” but I think that’s because deep down she’s doing a constant George Jefferson dance.
Later Javi decides to spend some quality time with Issac by digging for fossils on the coffee table. I mean, I don’t understand the hobbies of ‘the poors.’ I actually feel bad for Issac…especially with all that pressure that Javi is putting on him over being the man of the house now and having to take care of his mother and brother. Issac is like, “Man of the house? Does that mean I put on a white t-shirt and not work?” I jest. I just assume he was thinking it.
More stuff happens, I think. I started dozing off. When I awoke I saw them all eating their last meal together as a family for 6-months which, of course, was buffalo wings they got at some takeout place. Uh, good luck not sh*tting on the plane tomorrow Jav! Kail almost looked like she was trying not to smile when she was talking about him being gone for 6-months. Poor Javi. He has to go risk is life checking on Suzi and Kail gets to stay filming a show and eventually get a new chin, butt, and boobs (allegedly).
Chelsea – Went on vacation.