It’s time for yet another crapisode of “Spread ‘Em If You Got ‘Em: Teenage Mother Edition.” I am still on vacation, but I figured if I could find the time to tune into these rubbish tins, then you probably have the time to read this junk and click on the “Recommend” button so you can share it with your loser Facebook friends and help me continue to sell out. Speaking of which, join me on my very own loser Facebook page and let’s get creepy! P.S, how much do my Photoshopping skills rule?!
Jenelle – If there’s one thing you know about me it’s that me gusta when Barb and Jenelle get into a knock-down-drag-out fight on the regular. If Barb isn’t being backed into her front door by Jenelle screaming just inches from her facia bruta then, well, I’m less than pleased. However, something that you may not know is that I also enjoy Barb when she’s in good spirits. I assume this is because Walmart was paying her time-and-a-half during the holidays, but perhaps it’s because her boyfriend, Mike, is playing the alphabet game on her “gentlemen greeter” when they have “date night” on the pullout couch. One may never know. This time around Barb starts off rough and tough with Jenelle by letting her know that she’s glad that Kieffah is going to jail, but even with that hard exterior she is a big old softie to me since she has now embroidered a flower pattern around the collar of her prized blue shirt. I’m sure that peels off during the winter months and replaced with a snowman pattern.
Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the next major scene with Barb may have made me the happiest toolbag blogger on this here earth. Apparently it’s the lil b*tch’s 19th birthday and so Barb goes into her room to wake her up wearing a complete sex-kitten outfit. If you heard that thump in the background I’m sure it was Mike ramming his manhood into the wall and then passing out. Barb is decked out in enough leopard print that would make Chelsea start foaming from the mouth. And, she’s there to bring gifts to Jenelle that are all oddly wrapped. Suddenly Barb turns into Jokey Smurf and starts giggling as Jenelle unwraps her presents. I was actually waiting for the gifts to explode upon the unwrapping process. Her giggles turn into a full on belly laugh (a belly full of deli meat) when Jenelle opens up the first gift, which was a large can of “Fix-a-Flat” in case she gets another flat tire. Seriously, Barb is cracking herself up and half of “The America” at this point. The next gift Jenelle unwraps is a set of jumper cables. At this point, Barb is about seconds away from rolling on the floor and kicking up her legs as tears of joy roll down her face. To top things off, she gets to shriek out, “These aahhh things you need faw yaw caaaaah!” It was like she was playing $25,000 Pyramid. I was ready to yell out, “Things that are 65% off at Walmart the day after Christmas!” Barb ended her gift-giving spree by telling the beautiful story of when she gave birth to Jenelle 19 years ago and how she almost made her meat slicer explode so she had to have a C-section. She continues the compliments by letting her know that she was a cranky b*tch way back then too. Good old Barb. Friend ’til the end!
Later, through the magic of science and miracles, Kieffah ends up sending Jenelle a Facebook message because he wants to talk to her about their relationship and, you know, the beating. How the hell is he on Facebook? Does the grassy knoll that he sleeps on have free WiFi? I just assumed at this point his version of Twitter was actually talking to a bird and giving it directions to Jenelle’s house. Either way, they end up chatting on the phone and decide that the next step in their garbage barrel relationship to nowheresville is to have Jenelle come and pick him up so he can turn himself in to the police because there is a warrant out for his arrest. How romantic. I’m pretty sure this same scenario that was in the Bible. I believe it was “A Letter to Kiefaaah from the Barbs” (right after the Psalms). So, Jenelle picks up Kieffah for some inexplicable reason outside of a Japanese steakhouse in a stripmall (next to the Dollar Store). All of that is 100% accurate. Poor Kieffah was sitting on the ground on some form of a blue cushion that I’m sure was covered in bed bugs, Sake, and lack of ambition. What I want to know is why Special K is more dressed up (khaki blazer) to go to jail than he was to go on those job interviews last season. This is a question that we’ll never have an answer to.
In the end, Queen LaQueefer is all pissed off because even though he kicked in the side of Jenelle’s car he feels like he never hurt her. He tries to give her a guilt trip about pressing charges against him and how he doesn’t deserve to go to jail over all of this. Jenelle thinks she’s basically helping him out and, well, I think she’s just helping to make good television. My favorite part was when he told Jenelle that if he has to serve jail time he doesn’t want anyone to send him letters at all. Hahaha. Brilliant. You totally know Barb is back home cutting out all different sized letters in multiple magazines to send him death threat letters (“If you evaaah touch my daughtaaah again…”). As Kieffah waits for Roz from Night Court to come and get him he sits there with Jenelle sporting some white socks and sandals. He says he doesn’t deserve this, but I beg to differ. Thanks to the socks and sandals and the fact that he looks like 89% of the tourists in Times Square I think he should serve a minimum of 10 years. I’d say he should be under house arrest, but the grassy knoll is still sans walls.
Leah –Surprise, surprise. Leah needs to take another day off of work because the results from Ali’s MR-eyeeeee are finally in. But these aren’t just any MR-eyeeee results. Oh no. These are brain MR-eyyye results. In fact, Leah is going to take the next 10 minutes to work in the words “brain MRI” as many times as she can into her conversation. Any chance the results from this brain MR-eyeee can prove that both of her parents are goons? I hope that’s in there somewhere.
Sadly, Leah doesn’t have anyone who can go to the doctor with her to get her brain MRI results. Brain MRI. Brain. Corey can’t go because the toilets aren’t going to unclog themselves. Her sister can’t go because she has a test that day. And her mother can’t go because she apparently dyed her hair reddish-brown and can’t get the crunchy curls out of her hair. Seriously she looks like Shirley Temple’s dead-behind-the-eyes slower sister. So, Leah’s grandmother is going to go with her instead. And I’m pretty sure her grandmother is about 50. She should have asked the camera man to go with her. The rest of this crap is boring, so let’s get down to the results. Drumroll please…….Ali’s brain is fine. Phew! She has one eye that’s good, but the other eye isn’t that great. So, clearly, she can kiss her thriving career as a “winking model” goodbye. A career cut down too soon. The doctor does let Leah know that she should still go and see the Geneticist because they’re going to want to DNA the piss out of Leah and Corey’s entire family. Imagine that family tree? You totally know that we’re all going to find out that Corkey and Amanda are Leah’s great-grandparents or something. Eh, life goes on. See what I did there?
In the end, Leah calls Corey to trying to explain to him the difference between good news and bad news. When she finally says that Ali’s brain is fine he just says, “Ok. Good.” and then hangs up the phone. He must have been busy bumping uglies with Joetta. I’m sure he lets her wear the camo hat that must smell the same as Leah’s burnt hair and skin. We’re getting Brain MR-Eyyyes, y’all!.
Kail – You know you’re too young to be a mother when in your voice-over you say things like, “I haven’t spoken to my mom since I gave her the remote control back.” Kill yourself. All of Kail’s scenes consist of her talking about birth control and then finally going to the doctor to find out what her options are. Personally, I think if she just tapes a picture of Janet on her crotch that will keep the men at bay. But, hey, that’s just me and I’m barely a doctor. As a sidenote, I’m barely a human.
Once Kail heads out to see her doctor, Doctor Diddles McGlasses she does learn what all of her options are. I wasn’t paying close attention because I was watching the doctor fidget and chatter his teeth while he spoke of things that Kail can shove up her glove compartment. Since Kail can’t remember to take her birth control pill every day she decides to go with the kind of birth control that looks like a sling shot, is placed up the vagola, and can’t get you pregnant for 5 years. I mean, sure, I’m sure if she lights up one cigarette while she has this thing in her, her head will explode off her body, but at least she won’t be with child. And, not for nothing, but while the doctor was implanting that he should have quickly given her a chin implant too. Like a buy one, get one free. You know the kind. Anychins, Kail was so psyched that she can’t get pregnant for 5 years that she immediately asked the doctor if she was protected the second it was put inside her (giggity). She was like a chinless rabbit in heat. Or a “chabbit” as I may sometimes refer to her as.
In the end, Jordan gets all shy about talking about slingshots and vags on camera but finally comes to terms with that fact that is you want to get inside of it, you need to be able to talk about it. Kail can’t seem to understand why he’s so uncomfortable, but this is coming from a girl who just basically had a camera crew inches away from her Yahtzee bag. No wonder why Suzi jitters.
Chelsea – I can’t. Why does she think she’s the Snooki of South Dakota? And did Adam kidnap the baby or no? I don’t care. See you on the back of a milk carton, Aubree.
Previous Teen Mom Recaps:
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!