Teen Mom 2 Recap: I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!

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Jenelle – Things are going really well for Jenelle ever since she moved out of Barb(ie)’s Dream House.  I, of course, am joking.  Her life is in absolute ruins.  Since she no longer lives with her loving, soothing, calming mother, Barb decides that she wants Jenelle to start paying child support.  Me gusta how they’re like a divorced couple with a baby.  All I know is that the MTV checks must have cleared in the trash dumps bank accounts because everyone seems to have some new clothes!  It must have been the best shopping spree at both DOTS and Fashion Bug.  Barb is dolled up wearing a deep brown v-neck sweater with new turtleneck underneath and a very feminine brown baseball cap on top of her sexy fire-bush-red hair or “pelo” for my Spanish speaking readers.  She basically looks like she’s about a pair of chunky shoes away from a little muff-diving experiment if ya know what I mean and I think ya do because I’m an idiot.  But Barb isn’t the only one who has gone all Spring Fashion 2012 on our asses.  Our beloved Queen LaQueefer has temporarily turned in his moldy green hoodie for a new prison-striped hoodie.  I give them credit on even knowing where to look for the latest fashion inspiration considering Avril Lavigne hasn’t put out a video in a spell.

After their big Social Services hearing, we learn that Jenelle has to pay Barb $30.00/week in child support.  That should be easy for Barb to remember since it actually equals 5lbs of honey baked ham sliced thin at the Walmart deli counter.  Jenelle seems like she couldn’t really care less about having to pay Barb, but that’s mainly because she and Special K have been fighting again on the regular.  Barb tries to provide Jenelle some helpful words of wisdom like, “Have a lil maw self respect faw yawself, Jenelle.”  Jenelle takes in all the advice by screaming at Barb to “shut the F up” and the like.  Poor Barb.  I always feel so bad for her.  You see, she has this lil b*tch of a daughtah (that’s you) and Barb can barely party her own ass off anymore because she has to take care of Jace.  I love how MTV always shows quick little clips of Barb taking care of Jace like she is actually one of the Teen Moms.

Things take a turn for the worse for our heroine during her ride with Special K.  You see, he’s very busy texting on his phone but with whom we do not know.  In fact, Jenelle doesn’t know either and whilst driving she basically tries to wrestle the phone away from him.  Apparently Jenelle could tell that the number that he’s texting has a 508 area code which immediately made me squeal with delight.  Everyone knows (probably not) that a 508 area code resides in the sunny state of Massachusetts.  And, hmmmm, I wonder who on this show has a Boston-like accent?  BARB!  You totally know Barb has a secret cell phone with a 508 area code and she’s sexting Keiffah pictures of her boobs…and more!  She probably arranges for Kieffah to come over dressed as a pirate (for Mike) and then the three of them get naked and roll around on piles and piles of deli meat scattered to and from.  No?  Just my theory?  Fine.   Either way, Special K tries to convince Jenelle that he’s just texting “some dude who messaged him on Facebook.”  Yeah, nice save.  This enrages Jenelle, who always seems to get equally mad when people ask her basic questions, and just as Kieffah is about to “tuck and roll” out of the car she steps on the gas and we finally experience the “Thelma and Louise” moment that this series has clearly been missing for 2 seasons.  Jenelle is just screaming “I’m so maaaaaaaad!” while she is going about a good buck-20 down the freeway.  I find myself with both arms up in the air in a victory stance and constantly chanting, “Keep driving Thelma!”  Sadly they don’t go off a cliff and Kieffah gets out and walks alone to his grassy knoll for what I can only assume will be beauty-sleep related.

Once Jenelle is back at Tori’s House-o-Horror we learn that Special K was actually texting his ex-girlfriend (cough cough Barb cough cough).  He shows her the evidence which is texts where he’s telling his ex that he doesn’t want to hear from her anymore.  Per usual Jenelle doesn’t go to extremes and instead asks Kieffah if he’s going to marry his ex and have children with her. Yup, that’s normal.  I’m sure they’ll spend their honeymoon at “Sweepstakes.”  As the fighting ensues, Tori is pulling a “Sneaky Pete” and hiding around the corner watching and listening to their argument.  Jenelle ends up storming out of the room and slamming the bathroom door a good 5-10 times, punching it, and screaming.   Totally diddled as a youth.  What seems like moments  later, Jenelle starts being a big b*tch to Tori and Tori isn’t having it at all and wants Jenelle to move the hell to the out.  I like how during this part of the fight Jenelle is playing the role of Barb and Tori is playing the role of Jenelle.  Hello, pot?  Meet the kettle.  You’re both rust buckets.  At least that’s how I think the old saying goes.  Either way Jenelle is letting Tori know that most of the stuff in the apartment is hers and that she’s taking both the couches, to which Tori screams (from another room), “I’ve got couches!!”  Meth is a tricky b*tch, isn’t she?

In the end, Jenelle busts into Tori’s room that, once again, looks like the traditional set of Hoarders and wants to collect her clothes back from Tori.  Uh, yeah, because at the end of the day Jenelle wears anything more than one blue A&F hoodie.  Suddenly, Tori loses her sh*t, demands Jenelle get out of the house immediately, and then just starts beating Jenelle with drumsticks.  Why she’s walking around with drumsticks is beyond me.  The girls start rolling around in piles of clothes, dirt, and regret all whilst pulling their hair and saying things like, “You’re being an idiot right now.”  Meanwhile, Tori’s boyfriend lunges at Special K and those two go at it for a bit.  Overall the entire length of the fight took about 11 seconds.   Jenelle ends it by screaming for everyone to leave her alone all whilst pulling at her own hair like a bad 80’s music video starring Pat Benatar.  Such angst.  Such trash.  Such 11 seconds of priceless entertainment.

Leah – Hey y’all we is movin’!  It’s time for another episode of “Meet the Bumpkins.”  I can’t even begin to believe that all of Corey and Leah’s scenes consisted of fighting over buying a trailer or a truck.  I mean they call it “a house” but we all know the truth.  When you’re trying to figure out if you should spend $9,000 on your “house” or replace your truck you might as well be living in a cave with the cast of The Goonies.  Apparently there is some land for sale (y’all) and Leah and Corey are going to check it out to see if they’ll be able to put their mobile home on it.  I believe it’s on a mudslide and is surrounded with West Virginian crack dens.  The best part is that Leah tries to act all concerned and smart and actually asks Corey’s friend about the neighborhood and says (gulp), “Is the schools goods here’s?”  Oh yeah, they is good.  I hear if you make it past the first grade you automatically become a geneticist.

Leah and her hair that is whiter than an albino’s crotch is settling with the fact that she’s going to be a “coal miners wife” but Corey ends up deciding that he no longer wants a “new house” but needs to replace his 4-month old truck instead.  He should replace is 4-month old wife as well because she’s friggin’ bricks.  What I want to know is that if their “dream home” is $9,000 what in the holy hell do they live in now?  I’m convinced it’s a cardboard box with wood paneling.  Unfortunately, Leah no longer wants to live there because when she has to, and I quote, “bath-ing the babies” it’s really gross down in the basement…where the shower is…because that’s where it is in all houses?

Leah and her sissy take the babies down in the basement to give them some bath-ing and there is a huge spider in the tub that Leah steps on with her boat-shoes and then tries to rinse the blood and guts away.  Her sister had the same boat shoes on and, well, that’s just dumb.  As if this bath-ing experience (y’all) couldn’t get any worse, apparently there is no shower-head so Leah needs to reach all the way up to the ceiling to turn on the water nozzle.  Yes, folks, you saw that correctly.  The same way you wash your car in the driveway is the same way that Leah give her kids a bath.  Squeaky clean!  Here’s my question.  Uh, is this where Corey and Leah shower too?  No wonder why her hair is so damn white.  By the time she can reach the nozzle her hair dye has gone from blond to “burn your scalp, y’all, white.”  P.S., it must be really fun for the kids to take a bath when their mom is screaming at them to not touch anything.  Sorry, but forget the geneticist because I’m pretty sure I solved this mystery!

In the end, Corey and Leah continue to fight about trucks and trailers, as I assume you do in the south, and Leah’s parents (sister and brother moles) decide they’ll help her find a trailer that she can have all to herself.  Corey, clearly, still has his mind on getting a truck as when he rolls up in the dirt-driveway we see that he made his own “For Sale” sign for his front window.  I was shocked he spelled almost the whole thing correctly.  I loved how Leah tells Corey how hard it is to be bath-ing the babies in the basement because when it rains it floods and “mildews.”  I hate with things just “mildews.”  That hair dye has made it’s way all the way to the brain y’all!  Time for another brain MReyyyyye!

Kail – Dear Jesus, please just make this all stop.  The chinless Cowardly Lion received a copy of the letter that Jo sent to Social Services so he can appeal his child support payments. Yes it was written and read like a letter to Santa.  At one point he not only says he thinks he has to pay too much, but also mentions that Kail should get a better job and not just stay where her boyfriend works.  If Judge Judy ever got a hold of that appeal letter she would rip Jo such a new asshole that we’d actually find Janet’s backup weave in there.  Allegedly.  I think I’m supposed to say that so I don’t get sued or, worse yet, forced to shave off Janet’s mustache in a court of law.  More importantly, whilst Kail is reading this letter to Issac/Isaac (who is in his very own room-prison) I noticed that she seems to have gimp bracelets braided into her hair.  Now I know that some of “the kids” have feather extensions, but I’m pretty sure Kail’s was gimp.  Also, I miss Suzi.  I’m glum without her shaking and twitching.

Kail ends up having to get  lawyer because Jo says he “may” get one and she should be prepared.  Her lawyer, of course, did not disappoint as most reality-tv lawyers don’t.  I believe her name was Catherine, but she went by Kate (?) which was extremely fitting since she literally had Kate Gosselin’s original spiked hairdo with matted down side bangs.  She was, in not so many words, a treat.  She pretty much just read the appeal letter from Jo to Kail and told her that she’ll appear in court with her if she pays her a $350 retainer fee.  If I were Kail I would have said, “In addition to the retainer, throw in a chin implant and you got yourself a deal!”  Kail chats it up with Jordan about all this Star Jones lawyer business and rolls her eyes when she figures out she’ll have to shell out some money for court since it’s “in the best interest for Issac/Isaac.”  Maybe The Sports Authority can promote her to the golf department, which I hear pays a little better.  I’m kidding. It’s all equally horrible.

Chelsea – Got dumped.

Join me on my own Facebook page because all “the kids” are doing it these days.  And don’t forget to lick on the “Facebook Recommend” button so that you share this crap with your own friends.  Or just click “Recommend” if you like Barb’s brown hat.  Whichever.

More Teen Mom Fun:
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere:  Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

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