Jenelle – Lawdy hallelujah and we’re off! Times they-are-a-tough for Jenelle and Kieffah, the Lucy and Desi of our generation, because even though Jenelle got her financial aid check and is working it’s still not going to be enough to rent her Barbie dream home that she’s always wanted because Kieffah can’t seem to land himself a job, which really is odd because he has such a sunny disposition and oozes enthusiasm everywhere he goes. In his defense he has shaved off his beard and, well, being high 104% of the time (you do the math) really makes this a major win for “Special K” this week. Plus, you think it’s easy to wear 4 different shades of green all at the same time? I shall think it is not. I shall even quite possibly say shant. I typed both of those sentences with a British accent.
Jenelle thinks it’s a perfectly rational idea to ask the Barb-o-Matic if both she can Special K can move in with her since they will be tossed out of their “beach house” within the week. Something tells this may not go over too well with Barbazon and that something it my Magic 8 Ball. When I asked the question and shook it, the answer that appeared just said “Disastaaaah.”
Oh dear Jesus Claus. Barb is back in her blue shirt. Drink! Also, Barb totally hates Jenelle and can barely hide it anymore. When Jenelle walks in the house Barb just says, “Oh what are you doing here” which is so disrespectful because everyone knows that the customary way to greet anyone who walks into a place is to yell out “Norm!” and raise your glass. Jenelle ends up asking Barb if they can stay at her house and Barb ends up letting them, but there are ground rules which basically consist of, and I quote, “I don’t want you two causin’ a ruckus around heeeah.” And then when Jenelle tells Barb that she’ll be moving back in that same night, Barb just mumbles “Oh Gawd.” Per usual Barb is our unsung hero and has single-handedly saved Jenelle from “living in her caaaah.”
Sidenote, Barb’s blue shirt is the exact same color as the shutters on the house. I wonder if that’s on purpose. Perhaps she likes to camouflage herself on the front lawn so she can lurk the neighbors?
Programming Note: Check out “Teen Mom Takes on the Oregon Trail.” It’s narrated by Barb. Come on, good stuff.
It’s moving day and all of their worldly possessions all fit into a laundry basket. Que Suerte! Things seem to be going well, you know, for the first 13 seconds and then Barb starts her normal critique over everything Jenelle does like “eating puffs” and “playing with Jace” and “breathing.” Then it all takes a major turn for the worse. I mean things get real bad. I am, of course, talking about when some of Jace’s bottle spills out onto the couch whilst Barb is away buying hotdogs and sauerkraut (no lie). You can see the absolute fear of God in Jenelle’s eyes when this happens and Barb comes through the house like a wrecking ball (in a blue shirt) when she notices there is a wet mark on the couch. Barb immediately starts scrubbing the wet mark and shouting “I am pissed, man!” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. Jenelle immediately blames Jace when she should have just been like, “Well we’re respecting you and not having sex in your house, so when Keiffah sneezed he accidentally shot a load through his shorts.” What? I think that is a perfectly normal and acceptable excuse. Moving on.
Seriously, it’s days like this when I know exactly why I was born…to listen to melodic phrases by one Ms Barb Blue-Shirt. Let’s really take a second to carefully appreciate exactly what Barb was spewing on the front porch and, later, in the house:
- Yaw smokin’ weeeeeeed in front of my house!
- Don’t you laugh at me in my house you Mr. Disrespectful!
- And listen to this…high, high. Yaw both high!
- Yaw nuthin’ but a damn lyin’ hust-a-laaah!
- This guuuuy is draggin’ you down, Jenelle. He’s another Andreeeew. Don’t you undahstand, Jenelle?
- Do you have, do do, do you need therapy?
- I love you. Yaw always wit these guys who aaah losaaahs!
- You don’t care about me or nobody. You only care about yaw damn boyfriend!
I’m currently in the process of putting all of these phrases onto t-shirts, bumper stickers, the band around my underwear, tattooed on my forehead, written in mustard on my ham sandwich, spray-painted on the Brooklyn Bridge, and slapped across my face. I hope I don’t get sued for any of these actions.
And while Barb’s quotes were Immaculate gold, the laughing from Kieffah and Jenelle whist Barb went on her tirade were almost equally as funny because the look on their faces totally said, “I know we’re supposed to be in this dramatic scene right now being filmed, but this lady is an absolute genius and national treasure.” Even my blackened heart did feel a little bad when Barb was pleading with Jenelle and told her that she loved her and started crying. But my sorrow turned to fits of laughter when she said, “Yaw always wit these guys who aaah losaaahs!” I actually stood up and started to slowly applaud Barb and pointed up to the heavens. The only thing missing from all of these scenes was, of course, her blue shirt. If I were the producers I would have been like, “Cut! Barb, that’s some comic dynamite but can you do all this one more time and with your blue shirt? I’ll go get it off the line in the backyard. Be right back.”
In the end, Jenelle and Keiffah move back to the brick “beach house” for the night. Jenelle is sad because if she moves back in with Barb Keiffah is moving back to New Jersey and she’s afraid that he’ll never come back for her. Jenelle ends her crying fit by saying, “I’m just sick of everyone thinking I’m a sh*tty mom.” Dude, we only think it because we have functioning eyes that see it. Also, I believe everything I see on reality television. Good day.
Chelsea – Wait a second. Chelsea is from South Dakota? Huh? Did I know that? I don’t think I did. So is this what people in South Dakota look like? Like, there are little pockets of Snooki scattered all over the place? Also, where is South Dakota? I don’t have time for maps. I have hundreds of thousands of hours of television to watch on the regular.
I’m now convinced that Chelsea’s dad doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers with Chelsea because he’s loving being on camera. I also believe he loves cheeseburgers but that’s another story for another time. Her dad decided he doesn’t want Chelsea to have to choose between him and Adam. Why? Her dad continues to lose points with me, although he still agrees that Adam needs to get a job. This is all so boring to me. Can’t they talk about tanning more or something?
Later Adam ends up going out to multiple places to fill out job applications all while Chelsea is home with her baby letting her play with her curling iron. I hope that fire rocket contraption is off. Personally I would have been yelling “hot, hot” so the baby doesn’t think the curling iron is a toy and wanting to play with it later when, you know, it’s plugged in or something, but that’s just me…I care about babies.
Adam, the ray of sunshine that he is, is giving Chelsea the verbal side-eye about looking for jobs and possibly having to work nights at a restaurant because Chelsea wants to spend time with him. He ends up throwing it in her orange face that he may have to work nights because she and her dad keep pressuring him into getting an actual job. Yeah, what scum-bags requesting that as an 18 yr old man you have a job! Chelsea is freaking out over all of this because she says he used to hook up with girls at work when he used to work the night shift. Uh, any chance Megan also works night shifts too..also…also and too?
Since Chelsea is afraid that Adam is going to cheat on her she goes to talk to her friend about it. Um, her friend I’m pretty sure is actually just Chelsea but with straight hair. Is this like that episode of The Brady Bunch when Peter was trying to fool that girl who he was on a date with by using his “twin” that he met in school? I wouldn’t put it past MTV.
Whoa, Chelsea has a mom? First South Dakota and now this!? I never made a joke about where her mom was because I assumed it was a maximum state prison or something. Anyway, Chelsea confronts Adam about this boring job situation and she suggests that he works at a junk yard. Seconds later, the words come out of his mouth “No job will ever been good enough for you.” Um, dude? She just suggested you work at an actual living-breathing junk yard. All of a sudden you’re the King of England? He should just work in place where he can sit on a couch and show off his stick arms and tattoos. Maybe like a meth lab or something? I don’t know, I’m just spit-balling at this point. These two are terrible. I miss Megan.
Kailyn – Speaking of people who make me want to lapse into a self induced coma due to repetitive nut punches, here’s Kail! She’s working up a storm lately, especially at the magical place that is Sports Authority and ends up going on an impromptu date with her co-worker Jordan right after work at a place that I can only assume is Chuck E. Cheese’s. I think it’s great that she rocks the side ponytail at every possible moment because it really helps her go from day to night…day being “Sports Authority” and night being “Chuck E. Cheese’s.” She’s very fashion forward and personality rewind…whatever the holy hell that even means.
You know who makes me want to do skidmarks in my underoos? Janet. No joke she scares that crap out of me. She’s like a no-nonsense business woman without the business. She’s just no-nonsense. Janet requests a sit down with Kail to discuss what the F is going on with her and if there’s any way she thinks she can save the relationship with her son, Jo. She kind of awkwardly keeps prying. I was waiting for her to be like “so are you getting d*ck elsewhere, my child?” After Kail explains that she isn’t attracted to her son at this point, Janet lays down the law and lets her know that if she sees any other guy she is no longer allowed to live in her house. My stomach just rumbled. I totally wouldn’t cross Janet. Like, if I ran into her on the street and she was like, “Hey a**hole stop blogging about my family” I would most likely shut this entire site down and move to a different country, like South Dakota.
Even though Janet has this talk with Kail, she keeps up with all the lies and goes rock climbing with Jordan. In fact, she lies to Jo by texting him and saying that she has to work late so he needs to put the baby to bed. Jo text’s back “you suck.” Meanwhile all of America is like, “Right??” at the same time. Most importantly, Kail’s side ponytail is in full effect while she climbs the wall. Is this why a helmet isn’t needed? Regardless, Jo is starting to have a hunch that Kail is a lying tramp. I don’t know what he’s so worried about. I’m sure Janet placed a tracking device on her body when she was sleeping.
In the end (yes, I’m wrapping this up because I’m bored to tears) Kail has lunch with friend and publicly states that her baby looks more like Jordan than Jo. Oh that’s nice. I have to admit I kind of agree. If they were to put the baby in a Sports Authority uniform and place him on stilts I’d swear it actually as Jordan. The baby is definitely lacking the father’s side chronic mustache.
Finally, Kail goes on yet another date with Jordan and the baby which consists of playing basketball in the park. Economical. Jo keeps calling her and leaving her messages, but Kail isn’t picking up. They’re not showing this right now, but I’m sure if a camera was in Janet’s room we’d witness her polishing her gun collection.
Leah – Hey y’all it’s time for Corey and Leah! (please read that sentence again as Leah would in her voiceover. You’re welcome) Ruh-roh, we’re starting things off with talking about the baby getting her MRI. No comment. Corey is going to take the day off from work (shooting animals in the woods?) so that he can be with Leah on the 3 hour drive to get the MRI. Leah is grateful for this because she’s planning on crying and needs someone to “cry on” etc. She’s really planning for a lot of doom and gloom. It’s like she’s starting to produce her own segments now, just like Amber. I’m sure MTV is pleased with her proactive nature. Also, I miss Bint-Lee.
Finally! These two crazy kids are checking out a wedding venue at a place called…wait for it…wait for it…”Coonskin Park.” Thank you, thank you, thank you! Not only does it have the word “clubhouse” on the front of the building, but there’s some random dude walking around in his bathing suit. Awesome. Why don’t they just have someone pee directly on her wedding dress?
Who’s that senator who got caught playing “Diddles McGee” in the bathroom at the airport? Was that Larry Craig? Either way the guy who “runs this establishment” is pretty much him. He looked like he was skiddish and was about to dart out into traffic at a moments notice…kind of like Kailyn’s mom…but with a baseball hat on. Anyway, the room itself was f’n huge. Imagine all the puffy leather you could fill it with?! And the ceilings are so high! They can even get ceiling fans that high up? Well it’s a good thing because I’m sure have the people in attendance will be slicked bangs within in inch of their life and you know you don’t need a strong breeze drying up those crunchy curls! I mean, they’re not animals after all!
Later a scene takes place where I’m having a major dilemma. It’s the one with Leah’s mom. Leah is asking her mom about what she should expect when she brings Ali in for the MRI and her mom (in the same tone as when Leah called her to tell her she just got engaged) says, “Well I don’t know what’s wrong with Ali so I don’t know what to expect.” Yowza. I think someone’s straightening iron got a little too close to the scalp this morning. Plus, how can she have no idea what Leah should expect? Isn’t she a nurse? Oh wait, or is she like a Kim Zolciak kind of nurse? My other dilemma since we’re on the topic of wigs is, what in the holy hell is on Leah’s head? It’s like she stabbed her puffy leather couch, ripped out the insides, and then superglued them to her hair. Ok, so maybe I’m not entirely sure what’s stuffed inside a puffy leather couch, but I’ll venture a guess it’s Paris Hilton-type hair extensions. I have to admit she looked good…and ready to shoot her “money shot” for the final scene of the porn she’s filming in her trailer without wheels. I miss the crunch.
The whole MRI situation sucks. Let’s just say that. It’s sad. It’s not fun. So let’s talk about the hotel they’re staying at instead. Ole! It looks like the kind of place where they have serial rapings. The good news is that they’re in town to visit the hospital, so they can conveniently get their bed-bug bites looked at by trained professionals. I wonder if Corey brought in his pillow from the car…you know, the roll of paper-towels he was using? I hope he didn’t ruin that whole roll as I will assume Leah will be eventually using them as a veil. Go green!
Episode Rating: Cluster F*ck (1 Yawning Ryan, 1 Crying Farrah, 1 Crunchy Hair, 1 Puffy Leather Couch)
Related Teen Mom 2 Links:
Teen Mom 2 Hits Up the Oregon Trail!
Jenelle’s Master Plan With the US Dept of Education
The Episode Where I Almost Ended Up on the Today Show
Jenelle’s Hickeys = 6 More Weeks of Winter
The One With Barb’s Blue Shirt
Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap: Jenelle Fights Her Mom
Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant Episode Recap – 2010
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage