Jenelle – Sometimes when your life is stormy you need a little calm. You need a mustache with mangled teeth to provide you with advice. You need Barb’s boyfriend Mike. Jenelle is seeing red (and not just because Barb is decked out in a beautiful Christmas red sweater with black leaves all around the neck that just slightly shows off her menopausal bosom) because Queen LaQueefa is still playing “Hey that’s my bum bum!” in the slammer. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Mike is coming on to Jenelle hard-core. He’s all like, “You use to be fun, Jenelle (wink-wink).” Probably meaning that she used to ride the pole without a jacket if you know what I mean and, well, if ya don’t you’re on the wrong site because I’m talking smut. I. Am. Talking. Smut. The whole time Mike’s mustache is talking I keep noticing how while Jenelle is dressed to film Scene 3 of an Avril Lavigne skater boi video she’s sporting the fake nails that Leah (and the Real Housewives of Orange County) seem to still think looks good. I think having sexy nails is important especially when counting your food stamps. Nevertheless (am I using that right?), Mike took a few notes from Barb’s Book-o-Crazy by saying some of her best catch phrases of 2011 such as, “…and then yaw done!” followed by “he’s draggin’ you down Jenelle.” I’m pretty sure the only thing Kieffah is dragging down right now is his pants to Bubba. That’s right folks, I’m talking 5th grade jokes all the live-long day. Buckle up because this whole episode was a snooze.
Later, the Good-Time-Gang has to celebrate Christmas early because Barb is going out of town for a bit. At first I was assuming that was code for “sex change in Tijuana” but then leaned more towards her attending a meat slicing convention in Toledo. Everything seems to be going pretty well on their pre-Christmas Christmas as Jenelle has bought Jace actual gifts. Shocking. It’s times like these when I really love me some Barb because she just blurts out, “Oh. My. Goodness. How cute that is!” all whilst she is smiling ear to ear. More surprises come when we learn that Jenelle even bought Barb a gift. I hear the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day. Barb is so psyched because Jenelle got her Ugg boots. Barb spits out, “Oh yeah! They’re nice! Cuz I like the daaaahhhk colaaah!” If she likes the dark color I’m surprised she didn’t take more of a liking to Kieffah, but I digress and digest all at the same time.
In the end, any family Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a little family blow-out. This time around a fight takes place over the fact that Barb wants Jenelle to change Jace’s sh*tty skid-marked diaper and Jenelle is a little slow to get up. Somehow it turns into a shouting match over Jace going to daycare and how Jenelle can’t be in his life and blah blah blah. Barb is pissed, screams “Merry Christmas” and leaves with Jace for the rest of the crapisode. Now is Mike’s chance to see if he can go down Jenelle’s chimney. However, Jenelle is too busy calling everyone she knows that is over 21 so they can bail Special K out of jail. 90% of the people won’t answer when Jenelle calls, 5% of the people won’t do it, and the other 5% were probably made up calls to the Time and Temperature lady for dramatic effect. One friend of Jenelle, Tiffany, doesn’t want to bail out Kieffah, but she will come up the street to “chill” with Jenelle in her car. This chick has her own kid and looks like she leaves a ring around the tub and wreaks of incense and latex. Plus, those face piercings really make her eyes pop! Did North Carolina not get the memo that the Avril look ended in the mid 2000’s? Jesus. Jenelle’s final call was to Special K’s friend, Dan, who also would not bail him out because he thinks he’ll go on the run. I think Keifaah running takes too much imitative and will never happen. Jenelle is left in her car crying and I’m left wondering if I’ll ever get these 60 minutes back.
Leah – (Leah Voiceover) “Hey y’all it’s Christmastime in the TP (trailer park). I’m just kidding, y’all, cuz we can’t even afford the park part. Them are just some cheap jokes for da poors!” But before we get to any of the Christmas festivities in the sticks we need to sit through a conversation with Leah’s mom about how Leah needs to be ok with the fact the twins may want to play more with the wrapping paper on Christmas morning than the actual presents. She says it so serious like they’re talking about brain MR-eyyye. At one point she says, “Now don’t go gettin’ all aggra-vated.” You totally know she thought she was super smart for saying it that way. Someone run her to the geneticist because I think the problem lies all over her face.
Leah is so excited that she spent $500 on her kids for Christmas even though she has to throw them a 1st birthday party at the local VFW/Shelter. It looks freezing in there. So cold, in fact, that the crunchy curls in the crowd are starting to ice over. It’s ok though because so is my heart. Happy 1st Birthday Aliarka and Liliaki. Whatever the hell their names are. All I know is that between Corey’s relatives and Leah’s relatives it looks like a childrens book of a cartoon beaver family and cartoon mole family come to life. Let’s move on to Christmas.
I love to see what Christmas is like for those who have wood paneling. Some call it a sport, but I call it a hobby. I love the way the lights from the Christmas tree bounce off the puffy leather couch and land as tiny specs all over the wooden walls. If I were Leah I’d tell my twins (y’all) that every time cheap-flammable-wood-paneling shimmers, an angel gets clip-on extensions. Speaking of which, Corey Claus has dressed up like Santa in the cheapest costume that the change found under your couch cushions can buy. No joke, the court-ordered workers who have to ring that damn Salvation Army bell at the mall have better costumes than Corey. I’m almost certain his “beard” was just pieces of Leah’s fried out weave simply hot-glue-gunned directly to his face (hot glue burns, y’all!). And his “Santa outfit” was basically Mrs. Brady’s two-piece suit from the holiday episode. The fact that the entire home doesn’t ignite by Corey just walking through it is beyond me.
Leah, per usual, is dressed like Santa’s trick. She has to wake the girls up to open their presents, but she seems to be dressed to go to The Roxy with a face full of make-up caked on…just like the rest of The America on Christmas morning. Oh, and someone needs to tell Corey that Santa says “Ho, Ho, Ho” not “Who, Who, Who.” Dick. And Santa says other things too like, “Merry Christmas,” Have you been a good little girl,” and other catch phrases like, “So, uh, are those glasses or goggles because, well, the elves were wondering.” When Corey just kept saying “Who, who, who” it made me turn Leah’s-mom’s-natural-bush-red with secondhand embarrassment. And the girls hated it too. The smaller one just screamed like she realized they’re one more Betty Boop decoration away from filming scenes for Hoarders and the other girl who can’t walk yet, looks like she was ready to give it hell just to try and get out of there and find her way to Social Services.
My favorite part, however, was when they passed the big-screen TV and over to the Christmas tree so the girls could open up their Christmas gifts. Each girl got what looks like 2 or 3 gifts each. I call “shenanigans” on the $500 spending spree. Perhaps Leah could have bought the girls a few more things if she cooled it with the fake nails and white hair? Or perhaps if she stopped taking days off at her new “job” we could have seen a stocking or two filled up. At least none of this is being recorded and the girls can never see it again. P.S., I’m sure Leah flirted with the Elf on a Shelf. Pig. Oh, and I think it’s great that Corey wrapped one of the gifts up with duct tape because I’m almost certain he’ll use that same tactic with Leah once he finds out about the cheatin’. See y’all in the woods!
Kail – Was she even in this episode? Kail’s case worker comes over to the apartment, that I’m probably paying with my tax money, to see how she’s doing and what she has going on for Christmas. She probably is just there to make sure that Kail doesn’t have a Ferrari in the driveway with the money that MTV is paying her to be a pig on television. All that is a snooze. It’s Christmas for Kail too, though, and she invites Jordan to come over in the middle of the winter in his shorts so she can give him his gift (a hat) and he can give her Ugg boots…similar to the gifts that were given to the baby Jesus in the Bible. Kail did a good job at wrapping all the gifts. So basically she knew enough to wrap everything except a d*ck. Hey-oh!
The only good that came out of this was the fact that Kail kept speaking of this magical letter that she wanted to write to Janet for Christmas and I was hoping this meant that we were going to get a glimpse of my 2nd favorite person in the world. Well, all the talking didn’t disappoint because Janet has finally entered our lives this season. Blessed Mother Janet is sporting a “93” Jersey and some Diana Ross hair and she looks like a rabid dog in heat when Kail enters the house. Kail goes to give Janet the card and Janet is just like, “Yup thanks.” And then she grabs a card that looks like it’s already been opened and on display on the table and just hands it to Kail. That’s love. I’m assuming that the “93” on her shirt was the year she became a teen mom. If only it was a “69” she probably would have never been in this mess. Either way, dressing like a J Lo backup dancer really works for Janet. Next time I’d like to see a little more cameltoe poking out from her Hanes Her Way. In the end, Janet reads the letter to Joe and she decides to somewhat forgive Kail for making her look like douche-nozzle on national television. I think she kinda wants Kail and Joe to get back together but my momma said you can’t hurry love (no) you just have to wait, she said love don’t come easy…it’s a game of give and take.
Chelsea – Martha Washington wig, generator technician, mom’s mullet, lady dressed as the Grinch whilst cutting down a Christmas tree, next week Megan tells Chelsea she’s knocked to the F up. Discuss.
More Teen Mom Links!
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The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
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Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
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