Programming Note: Dear sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary this was one long episode! MTV decided to play a round of shenanigans on me and air Teen Mom last night for two hours. Two hours! Therefore, I’ll do my best to remember everything, but the first person to say, “I can’t believe you forgot to mention…” gets the electric chair. I simply provide an overview. I’m not a court stenographer. Moving on.
Jenelle – What an absolute treat this garbage disposal is. Since Queen LaQueefer has been freed from the slammer by his cousin (aka MTV producers) he decides to text Jenelle because he misses her and wants to see her ASAP. This makes Jenelle smile from ear to ear and they both agree to meet at some place called Planet Fun or some sh*t like that. Basically it’s the kind of place where pedophiles hide in the ball pit. Either way, Jenelle actually tells Barb of her plans, which is a nice change of pace considering she’s decided not to lie to her. At this point Jenelle could have been giving Barb a recipe for pot brownies because all I could feast my eyes on was Barb’s beautiful freckled shoulders that were peeking out of her pink flammable shirt. You can only image Mike’s one snaggle tooth trying to kiss and bite those freckled overtired shoulders on the regular. I just puked in my mouth a little. I’m kidding. A lot.
It was so great to see Special K fresh outta the slammaaah. He certainly looks like he became a woman whilst in there. To no surprise, Kieffah and Jenelle are wearing their costumes to Planet Fun, which consist of crusty blue and green hoodies from hell. They decide that sending Special K to jail was a mistake because he never actually beat her up, he just simply shoved her and delicately threw her into a car. Awww so sweet. I believe in the south those are just called “Love Taps.” These two future bank robbers come to an agreement that they’ll never ever fight again. It’s not their fault, really, since Keiffah was raised in a house where people just yelled all the time and, well, Jenelle was basically brought up by Sam Kinison. If you pause this scene I’m almost certain you can see Barb in the background playing Ski-Ball and Mike collecting her tickets. She’s got some arm on her! Slicing deli meat on the regular is finally paying off in more ways than one. Two ways, in fact.
Later, Jenelle meets with her attorney who may or may not still be in North Carolina Law School (aka Watching Two Seasons of Judge Judy and Writing a Paper on It) she learns that because she and Keiffah were “high/high yaw both high and smokin’ weeeeeed on my front porch” that she could face upwards of 240 days in jail. Hopefully it’s the same jail that Amber (Ammbuuuuh) is in and they can be cell sluts and braid each others hair and pick bed bugs off of each others backs. #Dreams. The wind has been knocked out of Jenelle’s sails when she learns that she can’t smoke pot during this time and how they may have to tell the judge that she smoked about a week ago. Somehow she tells Barb she’s less nervous about this now that she’s met with her lawyer. Comedy ensues when Jenelle is about to leave for court and Barb starts freaking out by wishing Jenelle good luck and then just blurts out, “Jenelle. Don’t liiiiiiie about smokin’ the weeeeeed to the judge. He’ll throw da book at ya!” I swear to God I would legit charge upwards of $17,000 on my credit card in order to have dinner and drinks with Barb. I would just hug her the whole time whilst my head rested on her precious bosom. I would whisper in her ear, “Talk Boston to me.” Either way, something tells me that Barb has been through this whole drug/court/judge scenario before because she was like, “Uh-oh Keiffah is DONE!” and even as Jenelle is leaving the house she just keeps shaking her head and yelling, “The weed, Jenelle, don’t lie about the weeeeeeed!” like she was on her death bed and this was the last message she could give her lil b*tch of a daughter (that’s you) before she went into the light.
Court is some serious business and after listening to Barb’s advice on how to act, she knows that she shouldn’t talk, be seen with Kieffah, or for some inexplicable reason place her eyeglasses on top of her head. Jenelle understands the memo and even knows that Kieffah is supposed to “tuck in his pants” whilst talking to the judge. Great, that makes sense. Tuck his pants into his underwear? I’m confused. Either way, Jenelle picks up Queen LaQueefer just outside the grassy knoll and he’s decided to wear his green hoodie tucked into his baggy jeans. Like he couldn’t have robbed a Sears employee for a pair khakis and a button down? Hell, that’s basically all Barb has in her closet! The luck of the drunken Irish is on their side, however, because once they arrive at court they learn that it’s closed due to some snow flurries and has been rescheduled for two months from now. Special K looks like he’s about to go on the lam.
Even after their gift from Jesus himself about the court delay, things don’t go that great for these two goons. Jenelle says in her voiceover that they’re trying their best not to get in trouble before their next court appearance. Seriously? How is that a hard thing to do? It’s not like you walk outside and accidentally stab someone. People don’t get in trouble all the time. It’s called being a productive member of society. Things take a turn for the worse when Kieffah reads a text message from Jenelle’s ex-boyfriend about how he wants to hang out again with her. He freaks the F out and says that she gets text messages from all these guys and he doesn’t have any girls texting him. Technically, can you text to the payphone in jail? I’m not quite sure how that works. And, not for nothing, but if Keiffah got to have boyfriend whilst serving time, why can’t Jenelle have one too? Special K storms out of the house shouting that they’re done and probably goes to hibernate on the grassy knoll. He never responds to any of Jenelle’s messages and she remains very calm and collective to all of this. I’m kidding. She won’t get out of bed and is screaming and shaking and crying. Poor Barb just wants to go to the Town Hall because she’s gotta pay her god-damn sewer bill, but Jenelle won’t watch Jace for her because she can’t stop crying and listening to an automatic recording that says, “Your call has been automatically forwarded to…” over and over again.
Finally, Queen LaQueefer decides to return her call and comes over to visit Jenelle whilst Barb is out partyin’ her ass off. Luckily for us, Kieffah is wearing a black Betty White t-shirt and decides to end things with Jenelle. This causes her to scream “why!?!?!” and when he calls someone to pick him up, Jenelle storms the car like someone just kidnapped Jace and is about to speed off. I’m kidding. She hates Jace. Jenelle literally loses her sh*t and is punching his window, gets her hand stuck in his door, and is screaming for him to get out of the car because she loves him so much. His friends look like they think they can “catch crazy b*tch” so they all speed off leaving Jenelle to walk back to the house and sit in her new white Jetta (which I forgot to mention) and cry her eyes out. Did anyone notice that she she cries she, legit, looks just like Barb? Dead on. And, not for nothing, but this is just a classic case of “Daddy didn’t love me and left us when I was little so I’m trying to find my self-worth and acceptance in bad choices in men.” If only Jenelle could find her knight in shining armor like Barb has with pirate-obsessed Mike. A mustache and teeth in armor.
Leah – Hey y’all I’m about to talk about the gen-et-i-cist all god damn episode! Since the trailer isn’t quite dirty enough already, Leah decides to bring home a filthy rabid cat! She literally takes it out from under her coat to show Corey and the girls. Corey looks like he’s pissed that there’s another pussy in the house and the one with the goggles looks like she’s pissed that something else smaller than her can walk. Calm down, she ends up knowing how to stand. Leah is all nervous because the physical therapist is coming over, but I’m as excited as can be because usually these characters are a gift from God. This lady (?) doesn’t disappoint. She may or may not be “with penis” but that just adds to her charm. Oh and she has a “mens regular” haircut. Perfect. She does fun physical therapy exercises such as, “I’ll sit on the rug and pass the baby to you.” Looks like the one with the goggles is already improving. The physical therapist even lets Leah know about some great walking splints that she has that will help the baby (Aliterriaki?) stand up on her own. She whips out some magazine to show her…but I’m pretty sure it was just a picture of tissue boxes and duct tape. She’s standin’ y’all! When she asks her if she thinks Ali will ever be able to walk, the therapist just shrugs her shoulders and yes, “I think so.” She couldn’t give less of a sh*t and, to be honest, this is West Virginia we’re talking about. I mean the schooling and training needed to actually become a physical therapist consists of one thing: Just don’t have sex with your sibling. If you can do that, PRESTO!, you’re a physical therapist.
However, everything can’t just be tissues boxes and duct tape because Leah needs to keep sounding out geneticist over and over again. One of these days she’ll get it right by the second try. Practice makes perfect! Unfortunately by the time they actually get to the geneticist the cameras aren’t allowed inside so we’re forced to listen to Leah and Corey try to recap what they learned as they sat in the truck. Apparently they think she has some kind of dysplasia and Leah and Corey seem more scared about pronouncing that big word than even knowing what it means. Not that any of this is funny, but I like how they’re like “So we went to see my mom to see if she could help us figure out what it was.” I mean she’s a god damn dental assistant. The best part is that she was acting like she was an actual doctor, so she shows them to the computer and Leah looks like, “so you mean this sex-box can give us information too, y’all?” Thank God for Google auto-complete or this search could have gone on for hours. They read all the symptoms and while the one with the goggles doesn’t have many of those symptoms she does have a few. However, Leah’s mom and stepdad (who I’m pretty sure if the mother’s brother) both look like, “Oh sh*t! We have all those symptoms!” That explains a lot. A lot. Corey don’t want to talk about it no more and says “the conversation is over.” We know this because of the sub-titles. Had it not been for the sub-titles I would have assumed he was reciting a nursery rhyme.
In the end, after waiting a long four weeks for the results Leah finally gets the call that the one with the goggles is fine and doesn’t need to come back to the doctor for 1 year. Um, yeah, something is definitely wrong with her. If West Virginia can’t give them answers they should at least try doctors in regular Virginia and, well, I’m not good with the map but is there a South or North Virginia because, if so, I would try that too. At least Alilaqueesha is showing some promise because Leah’s mom taught her how to stand up against the coffee table and suddenly she leaves us with this mental picture, “You know what I just remembered? Leah, I taught you how to walk by placing cheese puffs all along the rug because you loved you some cheese puffs.” And that, my friends, sums up everything I ever needed to know about this family…and why there are orange stains on the carpet.
Chelsea – Two hours of this pile of bricks? No thanks. Let’s go quickly because, let’s face it, I’m just as tired typing all this as you are reading it. Chelsea has to move out of the house she’s staying in because the owners want to sell it. That’s code for, “the Board of Health wants to condemn it because she lives like a Hoarder.” So, Randylicious is going to get her a new place and, in turn, Chelsea is going to dye her hair the blondest blond that South Dakota can find. I’m not kidding, it was white. Like Walgreen’s Halloween aisle 7 fright wig white. And I’m pretty sure she got extensions too which looked like were pulled from Paris Hilton’s head circa 2002. It looked awful. And, as punishment, they should have dyed her no-no the same color just to teach her a lesson. What was strange was by the time she got home to chat with her friend Megan her hair wasn’t as white…but then later when talking to Adam, it was white again. I mean I couldn’t give 2 Aubree-sized sh*ts but I want to get to the bottom of what happened.
Megan spills the scripted beans to Chelsea that she is knocked to the up. I’m not sure what the big surprise was. I mean, when Megan walked into the house her stomach was pushing out of her coat and she was basically swinging the baby around by the umbilical cord. She should have just handed it over to Chelsea and been like, “Here. Aubree did this while you were gone.” Sidenote, what the hell happened to Megan’s face? It’s like her chopped bangs are trying their best to attack it! And you totally know that if MTV doesn’t make Megan a permanent cast member in the next two years she’s totally going to try and flush that baby down the toilet by its 2nd birthday. She should do it in the bathroom of a Prom because I hear those girls have a lot of success with the flushing. Plus, you get to do the Electric Slide right afterwards. Boogie Oogie Oogie Oggie.
In the remaining two hours nothing good happens except Chelsea found a new apartment that her dad can pay for. I mean, she’s decided to step up to the plate and pay the water bill and junk. The best part was that the realtor guy couldn’t have cared less and suddenly during the walk-through was like, just sign here and then handed her the keys and was like “congratulations” without a smile. Maybe he’s just pissed that he didn’t get the memo that in South Dakota in the middle of the winter you’re supposed to be naturally orange. Noted.
Kail – Issac’s first birthday/confrontation with Janet and her sour puss and Janet Jackson Escapade hair/Kail’s Snooki poof/creepy cousins/Jordan buying Issac sneakers that he can’t wear until he’s 5/Kail crashes her car/crying because she can’t afford the tow-truck even though she makes about $75K from MTV/buys a horrible two-door green car from some future contestant on the Biggest Loser/files in court for child support from Joe/Janet is going to kill her and/or have a dance-off with her Rhythm Nation-style. 5..4…3…2…1.
Sorry folks these 2 hour episode give me a case of “the sleepy” and “the angry.” It’s too much and I want to flush my junk down the toilet. So, feel free to discuss Kail and Chelsea in more detail in the comments section. Hell, maybe I’ll even chime in. In the meantime, if you liked this please click on the “Recommend” buttons I placed all over this b*tch so you can share it with your garbage pail kids on Facebook. Help me sell out!
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Related Teen Mom 2 Links:
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!