Jenelle – Well tip your 40 because the relationship with Josh is over. I guess moving in with someone whilst on meth (allegedly) after 15 minutes isn’t always the right decision to make. I do find it hard to understand how someone couldn’t get along with Jenelle. She is a ray of sunshine and happiness wrapped in baby giggles and drenched in angel tears of joy. So to sum up, she’s like the Jodi Foster of our generation. Speaking of which, Jenelle may be deciding to “Go Foster” because she’s now crashing on the couch of her friend Amber (just to the left of the puffy leather) and these two girls are talking about getting their own 3 bedroom place together and getting custody of Jace again so they can all live together and scissors until the Barb comes home. I think it’s great they want to live together. I mean it’s the general law of nature that if you strike out in 10 relationships in row it only makes sense to “Go Foster.” I feel like if I reference that a few more times it might really start to catch on. Either way, these two young moms are really putting their best foot forward to make their lives better. I jest. I, of course, hope the court system requires them to place cement wine corks into their vagiolas so that no more spring-chickens can come frolicking out. As a side note, if that does happen we will no longer have 6 more weeks of winter. Unless it’s a leap year…then all bets off.
Later, Jenelle decides to bury the snatchet with Barb and they’re best dysfunctional buds again. “Hooray!” yelled the voices of the people who live in my head. Barb is fresh as a morning dew, on a brand new day. She’s wearing her mandatory blue shirt like she’s Marge Simpson come to life. She’s busy explaining to Jace what a boat is. Clearly it takes a village. I love how at this point Barb just knows the drill. The cameras go up and Barb is ready to get downloaded on Jenelle’s latest mistakes. This time, of course, it’s that the relationship with Josh didn’t work out. Barb starts to ask what happened and then is basically like, “Yeah it was weird that you just moved into his mother’s house.” A moment of clarity? For me at least. Jenelle lets Barb know that her plan is to live the Ellen and Porsche life with Amber and get a pad together. See what I did there with using the term “pad?” Yep, me either. Barb really likes this idea because she thinks it’ll be good for Jenelle, but something tells me Barb’s little thought bubble contains a pantless Pirate Mike sporting a peg leg…and other things made of wood. She’ll be busy. Like, “woodchuck busy.” Anyway her words of wisdom to Jenelle is, “Well we’ll see how it goes…and stay on your meds.” For real, “stay on your meds” should be tattooed backwards on Jenelle’s forehead so she can see it every afternoon when she wakes up in a haze and snorts crack on a mirror.
After looking at over zero houses, Amber and Jenelle finally decide on the shack that’s perfect for them. It’s $725 per month and that screaming sound you hear is my bank account yelling into my pillow. The even better news is that Barb and Pirate Mike are helping Jenelle move into her new home-of-the-month. Barb is in the best spirits I’ve ever seen her in. It must be her pink shirt that’s really bringing out the joy from within. Personally I like to think that she’s not just helping Jenelle move, but her bedbugs as well. Seriously though what do you do when Jenelle is your actual real life neighbor and you hear Barb shouting from the front lawn, ‘Hello it’s your mother!” I mean, I would constantly high-five myself and and peek through my mini-blinds, but that’s just me. Perhaps you’d react differently. Anyjunkie, the bad news is that Jenelle has made the decision to drop out of school for the semester so that she’ll have “more time to unpack.” That makes sense. Hanging up her Bud Light lights and getting the two-sided tape to stick to the back of her dogs playing poker poster really will require weeks and months worth of time. Barb doesn’t know any of this yet…until now. I love when they sit on the swing and Jenelle blindsides Barb with “news.” Something tells me that Barb has been sneaking some of Jenelle’s meds because she barely even reacts. In fact, she’s supportive and calm. I’m sorry but if this new and improved Barb keeps up not only am I going to fall asleep, but there will be nothing to look forward to on the Dr. Drew Teen Mom Reunion. Change yaw damn ways Barb, change yaw ways!
Kail – Our favorite cowardly lioness is back from Austin Powers Texas and chats it up with a friend, who applies her eyebrows via a Sharpie, that she had a great time on her trip with her “family” and is thinking of moving there forever. Adios. That’s Spanish for “Don’t forget your passport.” Kail decides that she’s going to test the waters with Jo and see if he’ll be ok with her moving (since Issac is going to “come with”) by way of a good old fashioned joke. Great idea. Why not write the joke of “I’m moving away with your son” on a Popsicle stick like the good old days. I’m sure Janet can melt an entire Popsicle in one quick lick (wink wink and also, wink). Alas, Kail does joke with Jo about her big plans but he’s not having it. He still wants to see his son every weekend. Why? I mean, Skype with him and be free. Kail seems to think Jo shouldn’t be allowed to complain about this since he’ll be…wait for it…wait for it…ready…a famous rapper and will have to…wait for it…go on tour. I’m sure his Pennsylvania strip mall tour will surely keep him busy on the regular. And imagine those groupies? All the Hypercolor t-shirts and Skidz that money can buy will be knocking down his tour bus door….which will actually just be a small yellow school bus…that’s filled with kids…on their way to school…and Jo will hop off the back bumper when it goes by the mall. But I digress. Suddenly Jo spills the beans that Suzi stopped by to visit Issac while Kail was in TX. Kail flips out and is all pissed off that he let this happen, but I can’t seem to get over the quick statement that Suzi told him she was “looking at houses in his development.” Brilliant. Um, does she mean to, like, burglarize or, like squat in until the police require her to vacate the property? Imagine Janet and Suzi living on the same street? It’s like if Wisteria Lane was a road in the same city that they filmed “Lean on Me.”
Later Kail and American Idol runner up, Ruben Studdard, head out to grab some food at the type of restaurant where they just basically tile everything that isn’t the ceiling. I’m talking tiles on the floor and two sets of tile up and down the wall. It’s pretty much achieving my ultimate dream of eating oily pizza in the bathroom. I’m sure the place smells like Jo’s mom’s mustache sweat. In other words, magical. Kail is awkwardly chatting with the Velvet Teddy Bear about her rando trip to Texas, but the story quickly turns to the drama that is Suzi making a surprise visit to Jo’s house/recording studio whilst Kail was half way across the country. I mean, I’m not entirely sure where Texas is as compared to Pennsylvania. It’s most likely a 20 minute cab ride. The point is that I was hypnotized by Kail’s “Pretty Pretty Princess” fake red nails. I was waiting for the scene to turn back to Mr. 205 wearing plastic jewelry and trying to hide the black ring under the table. You know what Ruben? Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. Unless you’re talking about the guests on Maury…then all bets are off. Now where the hell was I? Look what you made me do! Oh yeah. So Kail decides to call up Suzi Cokeflake using Ruben’s phone since Suzi has Kail’s number blocked from her phone. That’s possible? Either way, she’s basically pranking Suzi and Suzi falls for it…a few times. The call was everything you could wish for and more. First off, she hangs up right off the bat. I think it was because Kail randomly called her “Suzi.” She then starts saying, “I did what?” and “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say, Kailyn.” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. Kail was using baby words and talking slowly so I’m not sure why Suzi Cokeflake couldn’t comprehend. Later she calls back the Velvet Teddy Bear’s phone and starts yelling at Kail saying that she’s Issac/Isaac’s grandmother and doesn’t need permission to see him. I actually don’t blame Kail at all for being freaked out. Frankly I’m surprised Suzi didn’t kidnap Issac, leave his carcass on the ground, and use the rest of him as a drug mule.
After a little time passes (and MTV required them to film more scenes), Kail and Jo head out to some diner that you know also doubles as a BINGO hall so they can catch up and Kail can talk about how she’s bothered that Jo opened the door when Suzi fell against the doorbell. Seriously, who cares? I mean I do, but I assume most don’t. Also, could they not turn down the audio in the background. I’m pretty sure I could hear some guy in the background asking some old lady for a handy under the bar. And at one point I thought I heard someone call out “B 5.” in the end, Kail sees Jo’s point and they kinda talk about Kail moving to Austin, TX. I’m almost certain she knows we know she knows that she’s using this for (1) a storyline and (2) a passive aggressive way to let Jo know she wants to be in his next rap video and/or in his bed. P.S., I’m pissed there was no cartoon Suzi drawn into this episode like MC Skat Kat.
Leah – Hey y’all my daddy issues are still in full swing! Leah and Jeremy are having an awkward conversation about how she kinda wants to be with Corey and pretty much told him that in the past, but now she’s kinda almost sure she wants to be with Jeremy instead. Basically she’s a mess and can change her mind as many times as she and her mom change their hair color. Either way, it’s going to look beautiful and crunchy only 20% of the time. I guess Leah is just glad that Jeremy is home from laying the pipe elsewhere and can lay the pipe in the trailer for a few days. For those of you playing at home, drink! Meanwhile Corey is back at is squalor mansion with “the girls” and kind of crawling after them all over the house like the bedbugs that are most likely crawling over every single object in the house. Suddenly his friend shows up wearing a, you guessed it, camo mesh trucker hat and they both decide to chit-chat like those elderly broads on Sex and the City about their love lives and the like. Listening to them talk was like watching what it would be like if Forrest Gump was sitting on that damn bench but talking to himself in the mirror. Either way, how his friend isn’t given a tetanus shot on the way out is truly the kind of miracle they speak of in the Bible. It’s after the Psalms section. P.S., always sing the Psalms and not read them. It makes you feel like you invented the first Karaoke bar but in biblical times.
Later, Leah and Jeremy are having diner with “the kids” and Leah has brand new hair. Either this scene was filmed 8 weeks after the one we just saw or her momma hot-glue-gunned albino My Little Pony tails to her scalp. I’m sure that’s it. No doubt. After talking about school for minute it’s time to bring up the big plans to sell the trailer and buy and actual house. And by “buy a house” I mean rent someone else’s home. Jeremy is really supportive of this, but I’m sure that’s mainly because he’s found his meal ticket. He’ll have to fight the whiny one for the Gerber. I’m really proud of Leah for wanting to get out of the trailer and into a place that can’t roll away. No for real. I mean she has enough money from this show, start acting like it. Stop putting so much money into your hair.
Moving on, Leah’s mom helps her go house hunting and right off the bat she finds a place she really falls in love with. Hmm that’s odd. Leah almost never immediately falls in love with something and makes a lifelong decision right there on the spot. But, alas, here we are. I’m sure if this house could have a giant camo hat to place on top of the chimney, it would. Of course my favorite part is when Leah and her mom are recapping what just happened on the house tour on the front stairs and suddenly Alizandra spits right off the top of the stairs into the flowerbed. Clearly she just marked her territory. I hear that in some parts of West Virginia that’s performed instead of saying vows and it’s still considered legal in under 3 states across this great nation.
In the end, Leah gets the house and talks to Jeremy over the phone with the girls rolling around like dogs in her bed. She makes sure to force them to tell Jeremy that they love him. He thinks it’s a good idea that he moves in with Leah and be around the girls more often. Uh, ok Level III. Keep it friendly. I don’t remember if she marries this guy or just gives birth to 15 of his kids under the stairs in a cardboard box. The point is, I miss Amber in jail and I want to desperately know how she’s doing. It’s times like these that really remind me how that special, “Amber Behind Bars” really was. Simpler times, yet happier times.
Chelsea – Arf! Arf! Ar…
Well folks, as Oprah says, “That’s it.” I’m sure she’s said that once or twice before. So click here to follow me on Facebook and I hope you clicked the “Recommend Button” so you can share this recap with your Facebook friends. Pay it forward, jerks.