What to do? It was a tough call to recap Teen Mom and make such ridiculous jokes so shortly after the terrible tragedy in Boston. My thoughts and prayers (yes, I pray) go out to everyone in Boston that was impacted by all of this. If you read here regularly you know two things. (1) I’m craptastic and (2) I’m from Boston. I may have lived in NYC for the past 6-years, but I’m born and raised in Boston and spent 12 decades there. Yes, I’m that old. I love Boston. And I love the people. I don’t hide my accent (not that I could) or where I’m from. Regardless of your thoughts on the area, it’s a great place. The people that day simply wanted to run. And they wanted to support each other. That is all. No one deserves this. And this act is so cowardly. However, I won’t close my heart in response to someone else who has closed theirs. So we shall move forward. And, yes, that means as basic as sharing a laugh or two with each other on bad reality television. Not because we forgot or don’t care what happened, but because we refuse, we refuse, to be afraid and let this shake us. We refuse it. Let’s go…
Did you know that every time you follow me Facebook a teenage mother gets her wings? It’s true. Also, same thing goes for when you click on the Facebook Recommend button. Do it!
Leah – Hey y’all I wanna introduce you to my daddy! His name is Gary but we just call him daddy, y’all! Daddy Gary is everything we could have dreamed up and more. He’s wearing what I can only assume is the clothes of young white boys who forget they’re white. Also, I didn’t know anyone technically sold jogging pants anymore so, well, there’s that. Daddy Gary seems like the type of guy who gets a little too comfortable a little too soon. We learn that he hasn’t been a part of Leah’s life since she was 13 (so, uh, for like 2 years?) but he’s in awe that his “baby” is making breakfast for her “two babies.” Eck, gross. It’s like stop saying “babies!” One more time and he’ll have to introduce himself, by law, to all the neighbors. My personal favorite was when he was like, “Hey y’alls wants me to helps cookin’ breakfasts?” It’s like get one word right, win a prize. Clearly they don’t teach annunciation at the carnival. #Clown
To my mistake this wedding will NOT take place in West Virginia. I. Am. Crushed. It’s going to be an eight hour drive to Myrtle Beach. 8 hour drive? Do airports not exist there yet? One day, I suppose. Leah was chatting it up with Jeremy over the phone about how sad they were that she basically couldn’t give him road head for the full eight hours, but then stopped herself and said, “It’s probably good we spend time apart, you know, before we’re stuck…” and then she just awkwardly stopped talking. Perhaps she ran out of words she knew? I think this makes the most sense. Plus, isn’t a wedding tradition for Leah to bang some random dude a day before her wedding? I think if you rewind the tapes from that one season you’ll see I’m right. I think traditions and rituals are sweet.
Later, Mama Dawn (the original Mama June) comes over to collect the kids for their big trip to “the wedding state, y’all!” But first, Leah tricks the girls into pretending they care to see her in her actual wedding dress. I think it’s sweet that the twins have made it to all of Mommy’s weddings! They must really like her. Also, I think it’s beautiful how Dawn’s rack was falling out of her shirt in these scenes. It was a good reminder to Leah who had “the twins” first. See what I did there? Yeah, me too. And you’re welcome. More dumb crap happened like Leah pretending this wedding is going to be way better than the wedding with Corey (who is a no show all episode) but who cares about that because it’s time for the wedding…!
Alright y’all it’s time for the wedding! If you thought it was embarrassing that time Ruthie Camden danced “sexy” to Spirit in the Sky on 7th Heaven, you’ll basically want to turn in your American citizenship papers at your local Kia dealer. For those of you reading this from outside the Uniqua States of the American, what’s it like to not be hated? Moving on. It’s raining on Leah’s wedding day, which I believe is actually the original teen mom, Mary, crying from the Heavens. She’s all, “We did the whole cross thing for this?” I know. I feel your pain. I’m sure rain on Leah’s wedding day is good luck and the images of her future trailer rolling down the street into the local city dump won’t actually come to life after all. Although, if it does I truly hope Heathcliff and Riff-Raff are there. As I’m sure do you. As do you.
Leah is in some form of a limo that might also be a spaceship that may or may not beam her directly out of East West Virginia (the southern tip). It looks like the kind of limo that Donna Martin took to prom that time she had a sip of champagne and then was thrown out of school, was sentenced to death, and almost didn’t graduate. It was basically like the set of Xuxa on wheels and I may or may not have began seizing immediately. I woke up with my tongue stuck in my closed laptop and dozens of stars and birds floating around my head. I was almost a muppet and, well, it was a half-dream come true. Leah’s braces are really making her wedding dress pop. I’m not sure if it’s a full wedding dress or one of those prom skirts that 5-7-9 or Merry-Go-Round used to sell yesteryear. Either way, the dresses shouted “Like a Virgin” but her southern regions shouted the opposite. Well it wasn’t so much opposite as it was rattling off old sayings like “Loose lips sink ships.” Suddenly it all makes sense. Ironically, it also makes cents. Allegedly. Leah’s dad Lee and daddy Gary are there to take the ride with her to the pond themed wedding. I hope Dig ‘Em is there. I’m pretty sure Jimmy Buffett and the rest of the Parrot-Heads are either driving the limo-of-death or attending the “wedding.” Speaking of which, this whole “wedding” recap should be in air-quotes…but you knew that.
Everyone is having the time of their lives walking into the wedding doing these odd Ashlee-Simpson-SNL-Hoe-Down jigs whilst sporting bright colored umbrellas and Leah yelling things from the limo like, “Work it! No really, work it!” I mean, shouting anything to do with “work” towards people who live in West Virginian pretty much falls on deaf ears. Eh, we should just be grateful that the cast of Obesity is getting some exercise. Even Dawn is getting in on all the fun by dancing down the aisle, throwing flowers (probably fake) and holding one of the future teen moms. Everyone is dressed to the nines…except Jeremy who decided to just go with a white short-sleeve shirt and some dark pants. I think that completely makes sense. Why wear a tie when the next time you’ll ever wear one you’ll be buried? Very cost effective. This is clearly the couple who will honeymoon in Disney World and stay 15 miles outside of the park and have to take a bus to the Monorail. Yeah, I’m judging you if that’s you. I personally would honeymoon in Busch Gardens, but I’m sure by the time I actually get married ceremonies and honeymoons will take place on a giant dust mound on Neptune. Also, enter your Uranus joke here _____.
Personally, I thought it was nice that both Uncle Kracker and Ted Nugent walked her down the aisle. It’s a fun last minute game of “Who’s My Daddy?” to play for those of us at home. The fact that Daddy Gary is wearing a cowboy hat is moot. It’s also mute and moo all at the same time…depending on which part of the country you’re from. I think the fact that he’s been missing in his daughter’s life and looks like he wreaks of lack of ambition and hopelessness already lets us know that he’s from one of “those states.” It’s like a hooker wearing a flashing arrow pointing to her Gentlemen Greeter. Completely unnecessary and borderline rude. In the end, Leah and Jeremy awkwardly exchange vows and I couldn’t tell if it was just the rain or if Leah was really rolling her eyes throughout half of it. All I know is that everyone was soaking wet, probably smelled like Lindsay Lohan’s spray-tanned wrists, and had swamp ass. At one point they started pouring sand from the beach into a heart shaped “plastic” container and the little feisty twin started demanding it was her turn to do it. Everyone danced out of the swamp and then we only got a 10 second glimpse at the reception that I’m pretty sure was held in the back room of a Quizzno’s. I think Wedding #1 > Wedding #2. I wonder what Wedding #3 will bring?
Jenelle – Finally! We get to see what the “after” in a Meth Before & After photo album looks like. Enter Jenelle. She stops by Barb’s most likely because the camera crew was leading her there. It’s nice that they help her out like that. Sadly we learn that her roommate Allison moved out. I’m not sure which one this was, but I’m guessing it was the one who was almost the voice of reason. Jenelle legit looks like she’s currently on a bender. She just keeps saying to Barb, “So Allison moved out quickly. Quickly and fast.” Yeah, that’s same/same. Moreover I’m almost certain that Big J shaved off her eyebrows and drew them back in with a licorice scented magic marker. They’re almost at a point like a traditional witch’s hat. The good news is that Kieffah is going to move in and pay half the rent! Eh, he’ll at least be moving in and then will most likely steal money out of Jenelle’s fanny-pack and give it back to her on the 1st of each month. Barb, per usual, is skeptical that Kieffah isn’t going to brain-rape her followed by financially assaulting her. I wonder what time his New Jersey bus will be picking him up? Jenelle also lets Barb know that she dropped out of “college” because she got boob surgery. I wonder if Barb actually already read that on Twitter because she seemed less than shocked. Either way, Barb is too busy planning a splendid 3rd birthday for Jace. Evidently it’s tomorrow and she gave Jenelle about 3 minutes notice. Big J is pissed that she didn’t have time to invite more people…or grow in her actual eyebrows for such an occasion. Maybe if things go well Jace can play “Pin the Child Support on My Actual Daddy.” He will, of course, not be blindfolded. He’ll just simply have to identify who his father is. I’m sure if Barb stopped Nairing her upper lip, Jace would assume she was his father. And you know what? S/he just may be. Oh, P.S., the paaaaahty is at one of those gyms that has a ball pit so cue up the “Barb is chin deep in balls” jokes…it’s almost time! I seriously can’t wait.
Oh it’s time. Happy 3rd birthday Jace! I actually felt really bad because no one really showed up. Insert awkward sad winky face here. Luckily Jenelle is there sporting Daisy Dukes that girls stopped wearing back in 2003 and a t-shirt that she rolled up into a half shirt. Pretty. Wholesome. Motherly. The fun really begins when they all jump on the giant trampoline and into a giant foam pit. They tossed Jace in, probably in hopes that hed sink to the bottom like that pesky Baby Jessica in the well. I, of course, squealed with delight and started chanting U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! when Barb took about 10 bounces and the tossed her own ass into the foam pit. Pirate Mike looked pretty turned on. Had he not had his hook and parrot I’m sure he could have played too. I’m not sure if Barb so much couldn’t get out of the pit as much as she didn’t want to get out of the pit. I mean, her life is the pits so it’s fitting. I jest. No one deserved to have more fun at that party than Barbara Evan III. They then found some random kid playing by himself so they invited him to the party and now there were a total of 2 people there. Seriously it was sad. It was as almost as sad as that giant spider cupcake cake that Barb totally stole from Walmart. And did anyone notice that all of Jace’s presents were some form of weapons? I don’t blame him for wanting to figure out a way to bust out of that family. I kinda wish Barb had the party at the deli inside Walmart. At least more people would have shown up. Plus who doesn’t like some nice rolled up turkey and ham appetizers. #PoorPeopleParty
I’m not quite sure what this show is even about anymore. Whilst sitting outside of a ball pit, Barb turns into Suze Orman (minus the dickie) and starts chatting with Jenelle about financial advice. It looks like Jenelle is $600 in the hole and can’t pay her rent but the good news is that she also doesn’t have any money to buy weed. Silver linings. Now I know I may not fully understand how “paying for things” may work, but are you trying to tell me that Jenelle can’t pay her rent with her new store-bought boobs? BecauseI’mprettysureyoucan. In fact I just looked it up and it clearly states in my 1987 World Book Encyclopedia that “housing may be paid for in exchange for boobs.” It was under both “H” for housing and “B” for Boobs. I tell ya, World Book Encyclopedia really knows their stuff!
The “next day” Barb and Pirate Mike head over to Jenelle’s to talk more about “da money” and how to plan for her future…time in jail. It seems as though Special K is finally able to contribute to society because he’s selling “tobacco” pipes to sex spam bots who follow his Myspace account. In fact, he even carves them himself. Who says you need a college education when you know how to chip away at wood? Barb really wants to plan Jenelle’s money and even took the time to write this little song and play it on Keiffah’s tobacco guitar. Now that’s a sentence that’s never been said before! Per usual, the conversation turns into an argument about wanting to see Jace and spend more time with him. Jenelle can’t always spend time with him because she doesn’t have money for boobs gas so she can’t drive to him. After Pirate Mike volunteers to drive him to Big J’s on Saturday they all fight about different days of the week until Jenelle goes into her bedroom and slams her door…like an adult. I wonder if Kieffah can carve her some brains?
Kail – Seriously I can’t care any less about Kail’s scenes than I already do. But here goes it (Readers Digest version). After demanding it for weeks, Kail is finally getting the custom engagement that she ordered from Javi. He’s setting up some type of bar-crawl-scavenger-hunt for her at the restaurant in the town she grew up in. That’s nice considering she had horrible memories of her childhood. Why didn’t he just wrap things up with Kail having to point on the doll where her mommy’s boyfriend touched her? While Kail is getting her “clue” from the host of the restaurant, Javi and Issac are dressed like Vanilla Ice’s and waiting down by the creek with some half-dead flowers in their sweaty hands. Suddenly Kail shows up wearing shorts and a t-shirt and Javi starts spewing out junk about how he didn’t know her as a child but now that he’s there he’ll know her in the present and burp. I think he asked her to marry him and I’m not sure if she said yes. She kinda just looked around and said she was shocked. Really, Pinocchio? Because ya kinda told him in every episode this season to do exactly this. To be honest, she actually looked like she couldn’t give two sh*ts about the whole thing.
After the lackluster engagement, they went back to the “restaurant” and sat in a booth (gross) and talked a lot about going to the court house to get married. What’s the thing with all these teen moms talking about the courthouse first and then a “big wedding ceremony later.” You know you can actually do it the other way around? Kail’s friend is kinda calling shenanigans on this wedding but both Kail and I couldn’t care less. Get married and get married quick and just get to the part where you tell Jo about this and Janet busts through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid Kid and yells “Oh yeah!” Oh, that’s next week…
Chelsea – Randy’s girlfriend is named Rita. Pretty.