Teen Mom 2: Jenelle’s Master Plan Thanks to the US Department of Education and Sallie Mae!


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Oh.  Well hello there.  Anything new or out of the ordinary lately? Yeah, me either.  Oh, actually there is something.  I had a nice weekend in Boston.  Oh, and also about 1 million rabid Justin Bieber Teen Mom 2 fans sent me hate mail and death threats. It was quite nice.  Apparently my 4th grade nun was correct and I  am, indeed, the anti-Christ.  Guess I’ll just have to add another bullet-point to the resume!  Here’s what went down last night on Teen Mom 2:

Jenelle – Jenelle wit all dos friggin’ hickeys all ova yaw neck!  Seriously, I say that in my head at least once a day and out loud at least 3 times a day.  The More You Know (and shooting star).  Barbazon is, shocker, sporting her sex-pot blue shirt in the very first scene.  Drink!  No joke, I’m starting to think it’s like a work uniform or something.  Maybe she plays a singing/dancing Smuf at the local amusement park.  Imagine?  My life would be complete.

Since Jenelle is all about making good decisions, she and Kieffah are calling everyone they know to see if they can live with them for a couple of days.  And by “a couple of days” I actually mean “a few weeks” because, yes, they’re just that ridiculous.  All of Jenelle’s friends said no, most likely because I’m sure their parents thought they were going to catch “pregnancy” and “trashboxitis.”  Finally one of Keiffah’s friends is going to let them stay at his beach house until Jenelle starts her first semester at “college” so she can be a “film editor.”  And the Oscar for best editing goes to Jenelle Evans.  Unfortunately Jenelle couldn’t be here tonight because she’s on location driving a Spiderman car around the beach in a meth-induced rage.  Accepting on her behalf is her mother, Barbara. “I jus wanna thank you all and stuff for givin my little b*tch of a daughah an Oscaaah.  The closest I evaaah thought she would get to an Oscar was more along the lines of “The Grouch” from all those times she was livin’ in a trash can.  Why are they playing that music over me right now?  Oh, I gotta go?  Fine.  Suck it Kieffah.”  And that’s how I assume that will all turn out.  Maybe you have your own goals, dreams, and ambitions.

Anyjunk, Jenelle hits tilt on the “Wicked-Good-Idea-o-Meter” because she’s just waiting for her student loan money to come through so she can take some of it and get an apartment for herself and Keiffah.  This kid has definitely found his meal ticket.  Burp.

Later Jenelle heads back over to Barb Manor to break the news that she’s going to be moving to Wilmington with Kieffah.  You totally know she’s trying to get on Barb’s good side because she’s wearing the same blue color shirt as Barb.  I love Barb.  I wish I had a Barb bobble head.  A Barb bobble head is way better than a Jersey Shore grenade horn, any day!

Jenelle tells Barb of her plan, after she kind of sort of pushes Jace on the ground by accident (this won’t help the custody battle) and Barb remains calm, cool, and collective.  I’m sure she’s on enough tranquilizers right now to stop a charging elephant.  Barb even mentions that she “likes” Kieffah, but would be more relieved if he, you know, had a job and wasn’t just in it for the free ride.  See, that’s why me gusta Barb because we’re almost always on the same page and, you know what, when I wake up in the morning my hair looks just like hers.  Plus, my accent is very similar to hers and I do Barb impressions all the live long day.  Personally, I think we’re a match made in heaven.  Mike better watch his busted teef because I may just scoop up that dish before the season is ovaaah!

It’s apartment hunting day!  Hooray!  It’s just as bad as I thought it was going to be and more!  And more!  And a little less too.  Anyway, the real estate lady was (1) 175 year old (2) probably not a real estate lady but just some random nana who was walking by that day and (3) was carrying around a little dog like she was friggin’ Paris Hilton.  If she really wants to be like Paris we’re going to need a mandatory beav shot as she exits her Ford Focus.

The first apartment was most likely a crack den and the neighborhood was literally on fire.  The real estate nana was trying to say the neighborhood was “up and coming.”  Yeah it’s about as “up and coming” as Kieffah’s career.  Hey oh!  The second place wasn’t bad at all, nice infact, and was going to run them $750/month.  So if my math is correct that will be $749 from the US Department of Education/Sallie Mae and $0.01 from Kieffah that he probably found in Barb’s couch.  Sold!

Jenelle and Kieffah think they’re going to show all their friends how wrong they were for thinking they were no good white trash with “student loan” money.  Kieffah decides that the worst case scenario is that he doesn’t find a job and just moves back to New Jersey…to see if he can get cast on Jersey Shore?  However he’s, like, really sure this is all going to work out.  Like really, really sure.  You know what?  I’m really sure too.  I’m also really, really sure The Soup will be hiring me this year so it’s a real race to the finish between me and Kieffah.  Somehow we’ll both tie for last.

Next up, Jenelle and Kieffah go looking for jobs and Jenelle lands one right off the bat at a local restaurant.  She’s all excited and tells Kieffah but he is less than thrilled.  He’s all pissed off because he’s hot and tired and didn’t find a job.  That’s so odd because he was wearing a dirty t-shirt and stuff so it’s shocking that people weren’t just offering him jobs as he walked by their establishments.

Finally, Jenelle heads out to her first day of college!  She kissed Kieffah goodbye who is still in bed.  The bed.  Per usual, there are no sheets on it.  It’s like, why even make it hard for the bed bugs?  Just let them eat away.  Then there’s a 2 Liter of Mountain Dew on the night stand.  So this is basically like the set of My Name is Earl, yes?  After classes are over Jenelle comes home to fill Kieffah in on her day and he couldn’t give less of a shiz.  I actually (brace yourself) felt kind of bad for her.  She was talking about her classes (history, math, psychology and English) and Kieffah claims he has no idea what any of that means because he’s never been to college before.  Is this douche for real?  It’s like pre-school, but for adults.  Same concept that he’s been doing since he’s been 3 yrs old.  No?  Still doesn’t ring a bell?  Junk monster.

Chelsea – Tan! Tan! Tan! Tan! Megan comes over to pick up some of her crap that she didn’t move out the other day.  Most importantly, she’s dressed like she just woke up from the after party at her prom.  Face full of makeup, hair done, long earrings in, and then she’s wearing an oversized red t-shirt, blue mesh shorts, and a giant oversized bag.  She still wants to be on this tv show friends with Chelsea but doesn’t want to be in the house if Adam is there. In fact, she’s whispering as she walks in the door trying to find out if Adam is actually in the house like she’s Sally Field in “Not Without My Daughter.”

Ugh.  I see a pink vacuum.  Is she one of these chicks that everything in her life is leopard print and hot pink?  Bleh.  You know, it starts with a pink vacuum and next thing you know you’re Mariah Carey – a grown woman still favoring pink and purple with 2 dozen butterfly rings up your fingers.  Anyteeth, Chelsea may just end up getting her GED so she can get to “hair school” on the double although she’s afraid this will disappoint her dad.  I’m sure he’s just happy she’s on a national television show.  I mean, my dad was just proud of me for all the buzz IBBB got last week!  It’s the little things.

What in the holy F was up with the chick at the “hair school” place that she went to visit?  At one point I found myself yelling “relax!” at my TV when she stated for the 15th time “you HAVE to have your GED before you can enroll here.”  Jesus.  She knows.  We know.  It’s not like Chelsea is trying to scam the system.  Pipe down there Hairy Montanna.

These boring segments really make me miss the old Teen Moms. I can’t wait for them to come back.  I miss April and Butch more than I could have ever thought.  In the end, Chelsea talks to her dad about getting her GED and, once again, he’s blaming Adam for all this taking place.  If he wasn’t so 100% right about this situation, he’d be wrong.  I have a novel idea.  Stop giving your daughter everything she wants at all times and I’m sure she’d work things out herself.  Oh, and since you’re about 200 pounds and paying for the house and Adam is about 114 pounds and not paying for the house kick him the F out!  I don’t even know why they’re all freaking out about finishing high school.  I mean, you’re on Teen Mom.  This will last forever.  You’re about 2 seasons away from Lohan status maybe.  Oh wait, never mind.  Chelsea wishes her conversation with her dad had a pause button.  Her dad wishes he had a rewind button.  I wish I had a fast forward button and a button I could press where a boxing glove came out of my remote and sucker punched me in the ding-a-ling.

Kailyn – Why so glum, Kail?  Come on, nonexistent chin up!  Per usual, Kail is threatening to move out of the huge house that is Jo’s family’s in which she’s living for free so she is going apartment hunting.  After chatting with Janet, we learn that she can afford about $1.75 a month.  I’m sure she’ll find something really nice.  She meets up with real estate agent, who is rocking the  side-pony and the place is legit the ghetto.  It’s so bad she is most likely to get combo raped and stabbed on Monday/Wednesday/Friday.  Kail should just move to the apartment underneath Amber and Gary’s.  I don’t care if it’s not the same state.  Do as I say.

Since Kail can only afford to live in a meth lab, she decides to get a second job and has landed her first interview at a restaurant.  She’s greeted by the owner who is already sitting at the table eating.  Awkward?  He basically asks her one question, which is “do you have experience?  She says “no” and basically hires her on the spot.  Que suerte!  I’m surprised she even needs a second job as I always assumed Sports Authority paid top dollar.  All kidding aside, when do they get their money from MTV?  I mean, even if they’re not a Farrah and her mom’s trash claw status they HAVE to be making more than $500 and episode which would cover their rent.  Also, I kinda want to live in a place where rent is only $500.  Really?  Never mind, I don’t.

When Kail text messages Jo to rub it in his face that she got another job and is moving out he send her back the cutest little text message that money can buy which includes such loving terms as “I F’n hate you” and “I wish I never F’n kissed you.” And more!  There was one line that I’m pretty sure said “I wish I never f***ed you.”  He better take it easy with that smut talk or Janet will wash his mouth out with churros y chocolate.  Ole!

In the boring end, Kail goes back to the house and confronts Jo and he makes it seem like he’s trying to help her, you know, just like Ronnie is trying to help Sammi or how Amber is trying to help Gary, you know, with fists.  Personally I think she should stay in that huge house as I’d like to hear more words of wisdom from Janet, who I feel like is good people.  If I could change one thing it would be to have Kail’s mom move into the house as well.  I’d look forward to seeing her rummaging through Janet’s personal belongings in the middle of the middle of the night and getting caught doing so on “nanny cam.”  Ok I’m done.

Leah – Grab your bait n’ tackle because we’re all going on a very special fishing trip!  Corey decides to make an honest women out of Leah and is ready to propose to her with a fishing rod, worms, dirty lake water, and a ring so he ties the ring to the end of the fishing line and then, what do you know, they’re engaged!  Personally I thought they should have modeled their engagement after Angela and Tony from Who’s the Boss and put the engagement ring in her mashed potatoes, but maybe Cracker Barrel was closed?  Gotta check them hours.  Leah seems completely shocked when he “fishes” the ring out of the water.  Apparently she missed the camera crew all focusing on him taking the time to tie it to the rod itself.  I guess it’s a big boat and she was preoccupied.  He places the ring on her Anna Nicole Smith hot-pink-Lee-Press-On-Nails with flowers dedazzled on them and I was waiting for Anna Nicole’s ghost to come out of the lake and start slurring “You want my body?  Youwanta Viper?  TrimSpa baby!”  Let’s just say I was let down.

Oh, you know who seems like they’d rather give themselves a colonoscopy with a mirror and a garden hose rather than listen to their daughter talk about her engagement?  Answer:  Leah’s mom.  When Leah called she was like “ohhhh ok.”  And then I’m pretty sure she called Corey a redneck for proposing on a lake and I, for one, am highly offended because usually at the start of the summer when I’m not as fully tanned as Chelsea’s a** my neck burns and, guess what, it turns red.  What a POS statement to make.  I, for one, plan on starting an actual civil war over this comment.  I mean it’s one thing to not be happy about an engagement, but to take a cheap shot at my neck when it’s red?  That’s just wrong in so many ways.  Know what else is wrong?  The fact that Leah was missing the Lee-Press-On nail on her middle finger in these scenes.  I have a feeling it shot off after giving me the finger for the past 7 days.  Karma.

After all of the excitement of telling her mom, Leah goes to tell her friends about the engagement and they seem freaked the F out too.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  I’d just be like, “We’re getting married super fast because we’re on a TV show and this is cheaper than hiring a videographer.”  No?

Corey’s family takes them out to celebrate their engagement at a genuine (pronounced: gen-u-eye-ne) Italian restaurant.  For a second I actually thought I was in Tuscany.  It was pretty-ho-hum, with the exception of Corey blocking his face when Leah tried to force-feed him her food.  I have a feeling the only Italian that Corey will eat is Spaghetti-O’s.  See what they’ve done to me?  I actually didn’t mind these two, but ever since they declared Jihad on me I feel a sense of anger around them.  This must be how actual wars start.  Either that or over oil.  I’m not sure.  I’m not too smart with things like “books” and “politics” and “stuff.”

Later they head out to the church to ask their pastor to marry them and to talk about the baby.  Here’s where I get a little confused.  We know something “may” be wrong with one of the babies.  And the pastor knows it too, but was he kind of making it seem like they should just go to the doctors and hear what they have to say and that’s really it?  I mean, I do pray (really) and believe in the power of prayer (for sure), but his advice seemed a little…off?  I don’t know.  All I know is that now I’m writing about a holy man and, well, nothing good can be coming out of this.  Next.

Ugh.  Leah needs to take the baby to the eye doctor because now she’s having some problems with her eyes.  What’s up with the doctors over there?  This guy is like, “she might need glasses…if that doesn’t work then she’ll need surgery…is that doesn’t work it’s in her brain.”  Seriously, how’s your bed-side manner?  Hopefully everything will be on the up and up and work itself out.  No fun.

Episode Rating: 1 Crunchy Hair, 2 Puffy Leather Couches, and a Crying Farrah

Related Teen Mom 2 Links:

The Episode Where I Almost Ended Up on the Today Show
Jenelle’s Hickeys = 6 More Weeks of Winter

The One With Barb’s Blue Shirt
Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap:  Jenelle Fights Her Mom
Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant Episode Recap – 2010
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage

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