Jenelle – Oh hi, Jenelle. Apparently I missed an episode or a season because after dating David for what seems like the in-between-time during The Walking Dead seasons, Jenelle asks him to move in with her. Might as well just suction cup out your Nuva-Ring and poke as many holes in the condoms as you can now because what we’re witnessing, folks, is an early marriage in the works. I honestly don’t get it. I almost refuse to watch this anymore unless Jenelle admits she was inappropriately touched by the same Diddle Monster growing up that may or may not have had his way with Farrah. I mean, this is the only way her choice in guys and her desperate need for male attention can be explained. Also, I’m only kidding. I’d still watch this shiz until MTV is attacked by ‘the’ ISIS. Barb forbid!
Speaking of Barb, was it this week or an earlier episode where Jenelle was calling Barb 2,402 times to see if she could use Jace as an extra in her scenes while she films? Either way, I love how we heard Barb’s voicemail go on over and over again just repeating the “You’ve reached Baaaaahbrraaaa.” Have more beautiful words ever been spoken? If you lower the volume during that scene is almost sounds like prayer. If I were her I’d change my voicemail to, “Dis is Baaaahb. I’m busy workin’ my god-damn ass awwff slicing spiral hams. And if dis is my ex, Mike, f*&k off.” Beep.
I know we’e only a couple of episodes in and just getting to know about David, but what’s the acceptable time for us to start discussing his skin issues? Is it like that same thing that Michael Jackson had? No, not a monkey. That disease where your skin turns different colors like you’re an Easter egg who’s had a-f*ckin’ ’nuff. You know the kind. Either way, I’ll keep my comments to a minimum as I’m around 98% sure he could whip my ass. I, of course, would recap that as it were happening for all of you. You know I’m good like that.
Moving right along, Jenelle has big dreams this episode and has decided she’d like to attend Surgical Tech school. Sexy! Is that the kind of job where you look inside the body to make sure the actual surgeon didn’t leave a People Magazine in there during a heart operation? I hear that happens. Sadly, because of her pending court case where she allegedly threw a mason jar at Nathan’s tanned-out girlfriend, her application to Almost-a-Surgeon University is getting denied. She’s sort of bummed because she doesn’t know how else to get into the “medical field.” I say she should give up that dream and perhaps look for a career in law enforcement. I mean at this point she pretty much knows how all that works and then she could just drag her own ass to jail. I think it’s really all about efficiency at this point.
Jenelle is also on the fence (again, again, again) about trying to get Jace back. She feels like she should try to figure out her career first. She also is like, “And Jace already started school so….” Yeah, totally. If she could just maybe sell her new baby to Kieffah (shout out to Mr. Disrespectful!) for some weeeeeed I think she’d be in pretty good shape. At least think about it. Anyway, I just want to know how many 7-11’s Jace is going to end up knocking over before his 18th birthday because of ‘mommy abandonment’ issues. At this point Jenelle should just hold out a couple more years and then when she gets him back (on his 16th birthday) she’ll only have to deal with him for 2 more years until he goes off to college. College. Haha. Imagine? I can also picture Jace walking into her house when he’s 16 and she’s all, “So, like, do you still wear diapers or no?”
In the end, Jenelle’s lawyer calls to tell her how her court case went. Apparently she spoke with Nathan and his girlfriend and she told Jenelle they seem like really good people who are level-headed. Welp, that was enough to drive Jenelle over the edge. She told her lawyer that they were just putting up a front and the lawyer then said my favorite thing ever which was about how she works with criminals every day for years and she knows shitty people…and they’re not like that. I wonder if the irony of that was lost on Jenelle? Either way, she ends up hanging up on her lawyer, goes to her room, slams the door and starts swearing and screaming. I have to admit I kinda hate when Jenelle is screaming when Barb isn’t involved. It’s like we’re all missing out.
Leah – Get ready to see Leah on her best behavior, y’all! Well, sort of. This time around since Leah is only playing part-time-mom to her kiddos she’s a bit more focused, which is refreshing to see. And, if you’re keeping track at home, she hasn’t fallen asleep once on camera tonight so there’s that. Leah is making sure to talk to the girls when it’s “her turn” and ask them if they miss her, if they like not living with her and the like. When they say they want to be with her she basically let’s them know it’s Corey’s fault they’re not. Awesome parenting!
Leah also lets us know that she misses the girls and misses, and I quote, “brushing their hair.” I’m sorry, what now? I’ve been watching this show for what seems like 11 decades and I’m not entirely sure I’ve seen their hair ever brushed in the history of ever. At least she’s faking it for the camera. Speaking of faking it, what was up with all the beds being made? I smell a rat. Or poverty. I assume they both smell similar.
At the other end of Virginia, Corey is doing his best at being Mr. Beaver Mom. In fact, he’s even put Ali Graci Lupita Nyong’o into the church choir, which is nice. She’s scared sh*tless and doesn’t really sing with any of the other kids whose faces are all blurred out, but at least she’s having fun. You know who else is having fun during this scene? Corey. That’s because Leah decides to show up with her mom (sans crunchy curls) and then awkwardly not talk to Corey as they sit directly next to him. He just kept his head down almost the entire time. I’d go to my happy place too if Dawn was there…and in heat! I wonder what the camera crew does at a time like this?
In other fun news, did you know that Chasity was Leah’s cousin? I legit thought she was her friend the entire time. Or her mother. Who knows. All I do know is that blood line has some rando chromosomes in it that make for an interesting face to head ratio. Speaking of that, Corey and Miranda Rights had their baby two months early. Leah shows the girls via her iPhone that is so cracked in so many places we can all just assume it was used to shield her during a bank robbery shootout gone wrong. One of the girls, I think it was Alicia Keyes, thought the new baby looked like her, to which Leah said, “Wells shes doesn’t haves your face, but shes does has your heads.” Neat.
Leah decides that since Miranda Rights had her baby on the early side she’d use this opportunity to let Corey know she can, you know, take the girls back and whatnot to “help out.” Apparently Corey was like, “Uh no we good” and Leah is pissed. She tells Chasity that she thinks it’s ridiculous they’re not allowed to be with their mother. Uh, is she forgetting that whole court case scenario?
By the end, Leah had to just simply get Ali Gracious and the other one to choir practice and hand them off to Corey and she had to do it, you know, on time. Don’t act surprised when that doesn’t happen. She can’t find their shoes and she’s basically throwing the kids into the car and just screaming “F!” every two seconds. Eh, seems like typically mom stuff to me. Oh, and know what I totally forgot to mention? Did anyone notice earlier when she when to see the kiddo sing the first time at church she almost walked into the church and left her baby in the car? Sweet. It’s like the hits just keep on coming.
The girls end up sneaking the cat into the car as Leah is tearing apart the house looking for the tie the girls need to wear. I guess we can officially call that car a pussy wagon now, right? Hey-oh! Leah basically gets the girls there 72 hours late and leaves looking frazzled after she has to yell at them for sneaking the cat into the car. What I want to know is what scenes is MTV not showing of Leah f’ing up? I’d like a blooper reel of sorts if possible.
Kail – Here’s the thing. I know I complain every week about Kail’s segments and never want to write about them, but I still do. This week Kail is dealing with her miscarriage and, you know what, there aren’t really jokes in that so I’m going to skip it. I’m sure you’ll understand. I can quickly, however, discuss her friend Sterling’s eyebrows that were painted on within an inch of their life. It was as if she took her iPhone, flipped the camera, and then just took a Sharpie and had at it. She should do makeup tutorials. Stat!
Chelsea – got engaged and slightly less orange. Baby steps.