Teen Mom 2: Barb Explains How Pregnancy Works, So, Yeah.

teen-mom-2-jenelle-pregnant-2017-2018-recap

 

Jenelle – Well the human cat is out of the trash bag (or something like that) because Jenelle has finally confirmed to the producers that she is, in fact, “in that special way.”  As Jenelle explains it “trolls” who are haters on Twitter found the police report from her accident and then posted it online and that’s how everyone found out.  She then tells the producer that she didn’t tell anyone before (even when asked) because she wanted to wait to find out the gender and wait the full 12 weeks.  Oh, and she also said she didn’t want Barb to know because then Barb would tell Jenelle’s sister and she’d end up selling the story to the tabloids like she did the last time.  So it’s pretty much the same exact way you guys told people when you were pregnant.  I mean, well, minus the thinly sliced deli meat from Walmart….I’d just assume.

I like how Nathan and his bros are all chit-chattin’ again about Jenelle and the pregnancy.  They’re basically all the same person, bloated and tattooed drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee.  One friend says that Jenelle and David are like the modern day Brady Bunch because each of them have three “baby daddies” and three “baby mamas.”  Also, I’m embarrassed that I just wrote that.  I was also embarrassed when Nathan said that Jenelle and David should have gone to Vegas first and eloped.  Now, for those of you paying close attention at home you totally heard that he pronounced it: “E-Looped.”  Thank God I never make mistakes.

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Later, Jenelle and crew meet up with Barb on the side of the road so they can show her where they plan on building their own house.  First off, Barb is wearing some sort of almost straw-like hat and stripes.  She looks like she just came back from a community theater audition of The Sound of Music and, well, I’m ok with all of that.  Jenelle is still trying to keep her pregnancy under wraps so she decided to wear a skin-tight dress where her stomach is hanging out.  Safe bet.  They’re all walking through the woods all whilst Barb is screaming “OMG” and “Don’t go into da muck!”  Good God I love her.  Barb wants to know why they want to live in the woods and Jenelle explains it’s because she’s tired of traffic.  So there’s that.  Barb thinks it’s a great place to raise kids so they don’t go near “da drugs.”  Jenelle agrees and thought it was important that they don’t get hit by cars either.  I’m actually not joking about any of this.  Oh, and then Barb looks at Jenelle and says, “You look…so…is there something you wanna tell me?”  And Jenelle says “No and I’m not discussing anything with you.”  And then Barb just whispers “Ok, well, I’ve still been saving you some stuff” and Jenelle looks towards the camera like….busted!

It really warms my heart (or what’s left of it) when not only is Barb actually on the show, but when she’s wearing her trusted tried-and-true blue shirt.  Some call it a uniform, I call it a movement.  Since Barb is on high-alert-Meme duties to Jace she decides to bring him to basically a doll house that serves tea because, well, boys will be boys!  Barb thinks it’s just the cutest place on earth but, let’s be honest, anywhere Barb is is the cutest place on earth.  I’m even talking the toilet, just so we’re clear. Jace decides he wants some sweet tea and Barb settles for a piece of cake and decides to spill the tea (you totally knew that joke was in there somewhere) with the producer about Jenelle potentially being pregnant.

While Barb may slice deli meat all the live-long-day at The God Damn Walmart, she’s basically a doctor of sorts as well.  She’s filling in the producer that she thinks Jenelle is pregnant by way of showing us what it looks like when you are, indeed, with child.  Barb grabs her upper belly/lower boob area and displays that an egg shape forms right then and there when you’re knocked-to-the-up.  However, she displays that if you’re ‘just fat’ then the stomach puffs out much lower.  I mean, it’s simple science.  Barb, of course, is the Mr. Wizard of our generation.  She does hold back “da tears” when explaining that Jenelle wants nothing to do with her and how she and David just keep to themselves and want to stay in their own world.  Barb thinks that David has control over Jenelle and she seems worried.  Something tells me that Jace is going to freak when he finds out.

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In the end, Barb and Jace eat their food and Jace asks Barb where he’s going to live…her house or Jenelle’s house.  Barb says she wants him to continue school where they live and Jace wants to do that too.  He was worried about court.  Between that and all his little ticks  I feel really bad for the kid.  🙁

Kail – Is it just me or is this the second time that Kail is having her scenes filmed while she’s in the house, but the actual camera crew it outside of the house?  It was kind of like an episode of COPS, but without the running camera work.  Apparently before filming began Javi just sneak-attacked and went over to Kail’s house and wanted to know who was in there with her.  Shouting commenced and then he left, but Issac is all distraught because he didn’t want Kail to yell at Javi and he wants his dad to live them with.  I’m guessing he means Javi, but he might have meant Jo. Or maybe he meant that other guy that Kail used to date.  Didn’t he work at Sports Authority?   Even I can’t keep up.  All I do know is that Jo comes to the house to pick up Issac and take him back to their house.  Poor Issac.  He’s all sad and crying and confused.

Later, Kail is still on a “filming break” so they camera crew heads over to Javi’s hotel to hear his side of the story.  He’s with “Peach” (I mean) and his other friend (name not important).   The friend whose name I don’t know is more fired up about Kail’s behavior than Javi is.  At the end of the day, they’re all mad because Kail lied about being in Walmart when she was really home with some dude and Javi wanted his junk back.  He didn’t want his son around some guy he didn’t know especially if Kail was lying about it.  More importantly, no one will even mention how Peach got her nickname.  Is it like a Super Mario Bros. thing? I hope it is.  Someone fill me in.

And the aftermath of the fight between Javi and Kail (side note, if you combined their names it could be ‘Jail’ and that would be pretty cool) continues and poor Issac is caught in the middle of it all.  Truth be told I kind of hate the scene where Jo has to sit down with Issac and explain to him that Javi isn’t going to be living with him any more because Kail and Javi need to figure some things about.  Issac looked so bummed, but the silver lining was that he seemed more concerned about not being able to see Javi’s new house when Lincoln is going to be able to.  I mean, at that age it’s all about having the same amount of everything so I totally get it.  If I were Jo I would have just been like, “Oh you’re concerned about seeing the house?  Don’t worry, you’re not missing much.  Do you know what ‘squalor’ means, son?”  On a serious note I think that Jo totally handled that situation perfectly and it makes me long for the day when he and Kail get back together.  I mean, I don’t want him to give Vee the boot, but maybe they can just all live together like Sister Wives.  Either way, if any of this increases that chances that Janet will come back into my life I’m all for it!

Leah – Poor Leah (literally) is frettin’ and fussin’ because “da flood” is still putting a damper on their lives.  This time around she reads on Facebook that the girls school is still up in the air if they’ll open on time so Leah and her mom (Dawn FTW!) are trying to figure out if it’s just better for the girls to start 1st grade over in Leah’s hood instead of missing it at Corey’s.  I mean, can’t they just put in a tape of the Care Bears and call it a day?  I can’t image they’ll learn more than that in school anyway.

Oh my God I have to tell you guys, the scene with Corey and Miranda talking about not being able to let the girls go to school near Leah’s house because of scheduling…was too the F much.  And by that I mean I think the scene literally was for 10 minutes of them mumbling in monotone.  I legit watched it, then went onto Facebook, read a short article about Trump basically destroying the world, grabbed a seltzer water from my fridge (hint:  La Croix coconut is insanely good), came back and they were sill talking about it.  I was like, wait did I die?  Is this hell?  Can you poop in hell?  Anyway, I have no clue where they’ll send the girls to school, but my coconut seltzer water makes me feel like I’m on the beach so…well…silver lining.

You know who I was really loving in this episode?  Leah’s grandmother Sandy.  She sounded like she smoked 15 packs of Misty 120’s per day and she was also having a real hard time saying “kids school” and figuring out how all of this worked.  You could almost see the smoke coming out from the top of her head, but I just assumed that was a couple of pre-lit Misty 120’s on the end table.  Leah gets emotional because she really wants the girls to go to school near her, but she doesn’t want to upset Corey because they’ve been getting along so well.  I say, home-school ’em and get your own MTV spinoff.  Can you imagine?!

Chelsea – Changed the date of her real wedding or something.

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