Jenelle – Sometimes just when I think that Jenelle is becoming a real snooze machine, she brings us some sweet gems that remind us all of the simpler times when she was planning out her jail sentence around her Ke$ha (she still had the $ sign then) concert. God I miss those days. Anyjunk, this time around Big J is dialing up Barb on the ringer because she wants to ask her mom if it’s ok she takes her son (ahem, Jace) with her to New York City for the long weekend. Barb doesn’t like the idea because (a) it doesn’t involve slicing deli meat at Walmart and (b) the flight is in the middle of the day and, well, God knows Jace needs school just to stay calm. Of course Jenelle doesn’t like this and immediately starts freaking out on Barb because she says the flight is at 1:00 so he only really needs to be out of school a couple of hours early (serves ya right for not home-schooling him) and then…AND THEN she starts screaming that she needs to go to NYC because there is a guy “FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM” who wants her to endorse a product and she just simply can’t work around his schedule because he’s in the United Kingdom. I’m sorry, what not? She knows the United Kingdom isn’t technically on Mars, right? Like, she totally can reschedule. Also, stop saying “United Kingdom!” Does anyone even call it that?! I mean, I know my old Reebok sneakers used to (the box and all), but anyone not from 1982? Even “The UK” sounds odd. Wait, is that England? Or, like Eurasia? I’m not great with the map. Either way, unless she plans on getting to him via a beanstalk, she can reschedule. Also, I like how she just goes, “And you know why I didn’t tell you earlier? Because I knew you were going to say no!” Burn! Well, “burn” if you’re like a 5th grader who’s fighting with their mom over playing Roblox.
Later Kaiser is throwing a fit at House-of-Pizza-Palooza because he hasn’t been able to eat yet and not because David walked in with glasses that may or may not have been missing a lens. Meanwhile, Jenelle looks like she has a little spring in her step and now we know why. Apparently Nathan had been arrested for alleged burglary and domestic violence. Barb and her blue shirt better be safe or there will be hell to pay. Jenelle was reading the police report in front of Kaiser like it was a bedtime story. According to the report and Jenelle’s reading level, we learn that Nathan allegedly went to his ex-girlfriend’s house, broke in at 4 in the morning, jumped on her in bed, choked her and said, “be with me, be with me…look who’s trying now.” I’m not sure what any of that means, but it all sounds pretty bad to me. Looks like Jessica better press the pleats on her business suit because I’m pretty sure someone is heading back to “da courts.” Jenelle looked like she was trying to not crack a smile during all of this. Oh, and just in case you were wondering she’s still planning on trying to get Jace back. He’s 15 now.
Nathan got to explain his side of the story later when he and his buddy go to get salad sandwiches like the girls from Sex and the City and chit-chat about his little arrest. His side of the story is that Jessica got him in a lot of trouble, but he thinks it’ll all just work itself out. His friend said he Tweeted at Jenelle that she’s just glad Nathan is single again after she Tweeted she was going to just sit back and watch this all unfold. Good old Jenelle. A real trooper that one! Also, did Nathan say he and Jessica were in the process of breaking up over the last few months? How long does it take to divide up the Planet Hollywood shot glass collection and move out?!
Later, for a little comic relief, Barb tried on Jace’s toy lips and he squealed with delight. Truth be told, so did I. In the end, Jenelle swings by her lawyers office for her, what I only assume is daily, visit. She wants to discuss trying to get custody of Kaiser especially with the trouble Nathan is currently in. She also wants to move forward with trying to get full custody of Jace back. Her lawyer informs her that during the deposition, Barb’s lawyer can bring up all the shenanigans that Jenelle took part in from 2010 until current times, so that should be fun. I hope they film it and, per usual, I hope there’s a special guest appearance from Kesha. Only time will tell.
Leah – There was a lot of doctor appointment pageantry at the beginning of the episode and I always feel bad so let’s just cut to the chase. The other twin girl got tested to see if she had the gene or some-such and I’m pretty sure the results came back that she was fine. So that was good. Leah tried to explain it to her mom and Dawn looked like she smelled burnt toast and was trying to figure out how many rain drops fit into one cloud. Poor thing. At least the newest girl gets to sit on the side of the road in front of an abandon horse stable and scream into the phone until daddy Jeremy says he’s not coming home yet. How long goes it take to lay that pipe? Hey-oh!
I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t love Leah’s grandmother, Sandy, any more than I already do. She is the gift that keeps on giving. The way she sounds like Marge Simpson’s sisters (both of them at the same time) and looks like she could actually be Dolores from ‘Making a Murderer’ is really a perfect recipe for reality show success. And as if it couldn’t get any better she’s basically spread-eagle on her front porch, sitting on a kitchen chair, with her socks on. And THEN why sub-titles are not being used is a real slap in the face to the American people (and those who are being chased over that big beautiful wall). At one point Leah is texting someone and I was scratching my head when Sandy said, “Now’s Leah, who are you, Texan?” I was like, “Whoa, Leah’s from Texas?!” I alway just assumed from the incestuous hills of West Virginia! Then I realized she asked her “Who are you texting.” It’s like Sandy is way the F too busy to start using her “ing’s” and I honestly don’t blame her. It’s the same reason I don’t pronounce the “r” in any words. No time.
Anyway, Leah explains to her grandma that she’s texting Jeremy about coming to see the newest girl and he keeps changing the time. Leah says she’s “tired of the bull snot” and as soon as she says that Sandy has a look on her face like, “Oh sh*t! She knows the secret ingredient in my homemade Sunday stew!” Vomit everywhere. Seconds later (and I’m not joking) I have actually no idea what Sandy is saying. For real. I do know she said something about “If Jeremy isn’t going to be on the program…” and then she said something like, “and if he’s not going to coming to see Addie, then you can just buy, he can just buy Clairol for your razor, Addie.” I’m not kidding. I hit rewind 8 times and, legit, every time I’m like what the F did she just say? And why does Addie need Clairol and, more importantly, which one is Addie?!?!? She ends her owl-like words of wisdom with “You can’t chase a deadbeat dad down!” And something tells me, oh she’s tried! That little minx!
In the end Jeremy finally gets back from whatever the hell is job is and surprises the new girl at the park. She’s psyched and Leah looks like she’s ready to live the single-life again. Hopefully there are more kids in her future.
Kail – Poor Javi. And I mean that literally since he probably won’t be on the show next season. But also poor Javi because he and his brother and cousins are all drinking beers and talking about co-parenting, you know, like dudes do. Javi makes it about a couple of sentence and then his eyes start to fill up. His brother, being totally supportive, points to him and says, “Why the hell are you crying?” Awesome. Javi should have been like, “I’m crying because I’ve done 10 tours of duty to protect your fat ass.” But instead he lets the tears free-flow because he missed Kail and his family and he’s lonely (cough cough he should date Barb cough cough). I was actually feeling kind of bad for him until he said that he has built this huge empire and now it’s crumbled and now he has nothing. Um, what empire? Does he mean, like, the episodes of Empire with Cookie that he DVR’d and he accidentally deleted? Maybe he means his reality show empire that’ll be coming to a screeching halt if he doesn’t get back with the Cowardly Lion. Either way, his fam is hating on him for crying when they think Kail is out banging to beat the band. Or banging the band. Or however that saying goes. Is it even a saying? How are you guys?
Later Kail is back from Hawaii and we don’t get to see any of it because she didn’t invite MTV or me. Rude. She seems to be in better spirits and, oh, something else that wasn’t filmed…the scene where she and Javi decided to be friends and put the kids first. So there’s that. She’s so “in the right place” right now that she’s even tossing around the idea of maybe one day getting back with Javi. I mean, she also said she was asexual so there’s that too. It reminded me of those articles in between seasons that said she may or may not have laid down (biblically) with a women in the past. So who really knows? All I know is that it’s nice to see those two not fighting, but I still want Kail and Jo to get back together and then she, and he, and Vee (all rhymes) can live together happily ever after. Theee end. Oh wait, in the end Javi tells the producer that Kail was crying and had a change of heart. Then when the producer asked Kail about it she denied it, said she wasn’t going to film this and threatened to take her mic off. So now, for real, theeeee end!
Chelsea – Bought a carrot cake from the supermarket.