Note: What happened today in Las Vegas is utterly devastating. Our thoughts and prayers are with all those that have been impacted. We thought it would help people take their mind off this miserable day by hopefully providing a laugh or two (hopefully 5 or more) in this latest TM2 recap.
Jenelle – It’s really getting closer to The Wedding of the Century and David is still, of course, busy working on “the land.” It really is so nice to have “the land” isn’t it? It’s just as fun to say “the land” as one could imagine. Whilst David is rakin’ and frettin’ with the sod, Janelle is busy hanging out on the dirt. She screams for “pumpkin” to come over to her has she smiles ear to ear and holds out her hands to capture a big hug. Kaiser goes running towards her, but one of the dogs cuts him off and Jenelle hugs him over and over again as Kaiser just sits on “the land” and possibly tries to figure out if he can barter a part-time custody deal with Barb similar to the one that Jace worked out.
They also need to start planning the wedding and set a date. They agree to just have it on “the land” as we originally guessed and Jenelle has all the last minute details planned out. This includes building a ‘building’ on “the land” and having the dance floor just plopped right next to it. I’ve always wanted to see some country bumpkins doing the Macarena on some 4-wheelers during a wedding so apparently all of my dreams are about to come true. Oh, and then it gets better…
Jenelle just blurts out that she needs to have Olive Garden cater the wedding. I’m sorry, what now? David actually starts to smirk and you can tell he’s nervous because I think he realizes they’re about to hatch a plan to get actual Olive Garden to sponsor their wedding. I mean, even Honey Boo Boo is like, “Gross, that’s trashy.” Alas, it’s their plan and David wants to know what she’s going to have them cater. Jenelle is like, “Oh just a bunch of chicken alfredo.” Again, I’m sorry what now? What in the Duck Dynasty is even happening right now?! David simply responds by saying, “Oh that’ll be great. Everyone will love that, it’s universal!” And Jenelle is like, “Oh yeah and some breadsticks.” So there’s that. If I could pull a piece of Jenelle’s hair out via my television I’d do a drug test right now, I would. And YOU KNOW Barb is going to be so pissed that’s she about to miss an Olive Garden wedding. For shame!
And then there’s poor Barb. She’s forced to film scenes with the producer and starts crying because she’s not being invited to the Olive Garden themed wedding in the dirt (or OGTWITD, as no one calls it). I hate to see Barb cry almost as much as I hate to see deli meat sliced not thin. Barb says she’s already lost Jenelle, but can understand her being mad but it was in the best interest for Jace. She also cried when she said if she was at the wedding they wouldn’t talk to her and would just be so mean to her. She’d totally drown her sorrows in a ‘bunch of chicken alfredo.’ As you do.
Later Jenelle and David got to NYC and they DON’T call me to see if I want to have a bunch of beers with them and talk about Teen Mom 2. Rude. They’re in sunny NYC to look for wedding dresses and find a makeup artist that can make Jenelle’s dreams of a dirt-road wedding come to life on her face. Apparently they’re inviting over 180 people to this backyard bonanza and Barb and Jenelle’s dad (who?) are not making the final cut. Or any cut for that matter. Jenelle also explains that when Jenelle says ‘mom’ David says ‘you mean Barbara’ and then they both laugh. Jenelle then explains to us that it’s an ‘inside joke.’ Thank God she explained. It makes way more sense now. I feel like it’s the equivalent when Jace calls Jenelle ‘mom’ and eye-rolls. So that’s, like, his inside joke.
In the end, Jenelle and her friends go to a bunch of different wedding gown stores (?) and Jenelle just keeps saying she’s looking for a dress that’s “out of the box.” So many jokes, so little time. She finally chose the right dress for her and bawled the whole time. I’m kidding. She barely smiled. She was so excited.
Briana – It’s finally time to head on home from el hospital and Roxanne has been nominated to drive the getaway car. She has the same look on her face that those guys do who try to sell you Yankees tickets the second you get out of the subway at the stadium saying “tickets, tickets, tickets” over and over again right in your face. Just me?
Anyway, you know who’s still not having any of this new baby business? Nova. She is giving the best stink-eye I’ve seen in quite a long time. Briana is trapped in the back with her and the baby and did we mention that the baby is screaming her tiny little head off? If you know me, and I think ya do, I muted the TV. I mean, I don’t have kids so why do you think for one second I want to hear someone else’s kid screaming bloody murder? If I were Roxanne I would have been like, “We’re too late for abortion festivities, yeah?” Speaking of Roxy Horror she’s driving that getaway car like she’s done this before. She’s even giving tips and tricks to Briana by telling her that she needs to start breastfeeding the baby right now to get it to stop crying. She said, and I quote, “Briana take out your tit and give it to the baby.” Slow clap for that. So that’s exactly what Briana did. And, you know what, ‘this here baby’ stopped crying. Roxanne is like the Tit Whisperer. Also, Nova look traumatized.
Later Roxanne starts grilling Luis (not literally, mind you) about contributing diapers and wipes and whatnot to ‘this here baby’ and Luis kind of just nodded. Is it just me who’s terrified of Roxy Horror? I would never give her an attitude. And I’d never let her hit me because I’d be hugging her the whole time (you know, to hold down her arms). The ‘next day’ Luis peaces out to go and pick up some clothes and Briana is fine with it because she says 4,390 times that his presence in her own home makes her uncomfortable. Then she switched the words ‘not comfortable’ and ‘uncomfortable’ back and forth another 228 times. Roxanne hit the nail on the head for “the kids at home” by explaining that Luis isn’t at 100. Ah youth!
The next argument ensues when Luis comes back ‘home’ and explains to Roxanne that he’s not going to “Trucking School to the Stars” at least for another few months. She looked like she was going to puke. Although sometimes she does just look like that, but this time was worse. Luis just kept saying that Briana already warned him if he didn’t hold up his part she’d do what she had to do. So mysterious! It’s at that point that Roxy Horror (to his face) calls him a loser and a douche-bag all whilst Brittany just sits there checking her DMs and making kissing faces. I love her. Also, I was disappointed she didn’t go ham. Moreover, do people still say that these days? I’m about 7 years late with it, but thought I’d try it out.
In the end, everyone goes to sleep and at 12:29 am (I checked) Luis peaced out and went home for the night saying he’d be back again the next day (like Frosty the Snowman!!!). Briana wakes up Roxy Horror, who was in bed looking at her phone (I wonder if she was Googling herself?) and then Brittany came out of her room all pissed they woke her up. They’re all trying to figure out what to do with Luis and it hit me that Nova is also in on this conversation. They protect her from nothing. Tough life lessons apparently!
Leah – I’m so nervous for Leah as she gets ready for her next motivational speaking engagement. I’m also nervous for that girl whose makeup Leah is doing. I think she’s technically contouring her face (see, Kim Kardashian does help people). Everyone seems to be getting ready for this big event, but Leah looks like she’s off to the gym. Eh, good for her. And this time it looks like she’s giving her motivational speech at a restaurant (so it’s a step-up from the basement from last week). I hope they prepped her to read the specials too and I do not want any onions on my salad, thank you very much.
Per usual, everyone just looks at Leah as she kind of just stand in the middle of the restaurant and is like, “So guys, we’re going to just start I think.” She then says, “My name is Leah you guys.” And that’s when I realized the wheels are about to go off the track in 3..2…1. I would have saved it with, “My name is Leah Uguys….it’s Russian. And how about that election, am I right?” But that’s just me. Everyone has their own speaking style. Anyway, Leah stumbles and just starts talking about how she had 2 kids and then busts out into, “I’m so nervous. I’m just going to say it. I’m terrified to speak in front of people.” No one looks like they care. They’re just there for the breadsticks, I assume. If I were in the audience I would have just started yelling out, “Where’s Corey? Is he a beaver? Why were you falling asleep on the phone a few seasons ago? Is your mother married to her brother?” You know, and the like.
Leah was able to pull it together enough to get everyone to write down their fears on a notecard and then they all went outside and basically set the property on fire. So there’s that. One women was looking at her like she could catch bad hair extensions simply by listening to this. Oh, also, my fear would have been “I’m afraid this here restaurant doesn’t have a hose and the entire place is going to burn to the ground and I’m pretty sure this is all illegal.”
Kail – I think it makes total sense that Kail may just go for her Master’s Degree next. I capitalized that because I don’t have my Master’s Degree so I wasn’t sure of the rules. Also, I’m being sarcastic. Why does Kail even need education in the first place? She’s making bank by being on a reality show for the past 8-years and even if it were to end tomorrow she could always seamlessly transition right into the wonderful world of porn. Look what it did for Farrah? And the possibilities are endless, really. She could be like the Cowardly Lion who tries to do the sex with Dorothy. Or maybe she could sport a short fright wig and pretend she’s Suzi and she’s there to seduce a variety of Kail’s ex’s. Plus you totally know Janet would entertain a little something. I’ll keep brainstorming, but you guys should let me know of any ideas you may have too. Let’s get this done and help Kail. I’m thinking Kickstarter will want to know about this. And instead of a GoFundMe campaign, maybe like a GoF***Me campaign? I’ll keep thinking. Anyway, best wishes on your continued education.
Other stuff happened. But, I mean, did it really? Kail graduated from college in what I can only assume is a high-school gym with about 100 other people Congratulations!
Chelsea – Farted. And then they talked about it.