I’m baaaaack! After a quick vacation I’m ready to recap the absolute hell out of this episode. I mean, I guess.
Jenelle – Apparently we’re experiencing the aftermath of Jenelle getting engaged to David on a mountain and now they’re celebrating by basically eating in a prison cafeteria and talking about how they don’t know if Barb will be happy for Jenelle or just roll her eyes and slice deli ham at Walmart for pocket money. My guess is that Barb will be on her best behavior because she misses “dat camera cash” and wants to be in our lives as much as we want her to be. Jenelle “seems” happy about getting married, but it’s hard to tell because she only speaks in monotone and doesn’t have smile muscles. She also wants to have some family and some friends there. Friends? Um, I remember just a few short weeks ago when she was in a motel parking lot at midnight crying about how she didn’t have any family or friends. Looks like the guest list will be pretty short (like Barb’s mane).
So I know I missed last week and refuse to watch the episode back, but did I miss Jace beating the bag out of Barb? If Barb is reading this and is scared to come forward, blink once if you’re in danger and twice if you like it. Jace and Barb (genuflect) head over to Jenelle’s House of Rando Kids to meet the new baby (the better baby, if you will) and Barb seems so happy to be on camera again. We can tell this because her hair is extra spikey in the back. She’s basically a proud peacock of sorts. Anyway, Jace heads into the house to see the baby and Jenelle wants to confront him over the “allegations” that he’s beating up on Barb. Evidently he hit her in the nose and she sent the damaging photos to Jenelle. Deep down you know Jenelle is psyched this is happening.
Jenelle is asking Jace why he’s playing a round of “Anna Mae Eat the Cake” with Barb’s face, but he doesn’t really have a reason. He just shrugs and says he doesn’t know. Well there you have it. The Defense rests. Jenelle explains to Jace that if he were to do that when he was older, the cops would come and arrest him. He looks like he cares less and pretty much knows what his future holds anyway. I have to be honest, this is the first time that Jenelle is giving advice that’s legit based off of experience. She should have been like, “Jace, mommy has been to jail more times than I can shake a stick at.” I mean, her mugshots alone could wallpaper a medium-sized kitchen. He really should listen to her. Although I wouldn’t hate a mother/son mugshot collage.
Anyway, Barb is back and I couldn’t be happier. She was actually pretty nice when she saw the ring on Jenelle’s finger. This is how it went down:
Barb: Let me see yaw fingah.
Jenelle: (deadpan) Yeah we got engaged over the weekend.
Barb: It’s beautiful.
Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets.
Things really kicked up notch when Barb told Jenelle the doctor asked Jace if he felt bad that he hurt and bruised “Meme’s” nose and he just said “no.” Then they asked if he cared he hurt her and he just said “no.” Apparently the doctor told Barb “It’s time” because Jace has no remorse for anything. Do they mean, like, jail? This is kind of scary, you guys. I don’t really want Jace to be a serial killer (even though I called it 3 years ago, thankyouverymuch).
Later, Nathan is back and working out and making fun of Jenelle being engaged and naming her daughter Ensley. So that’s cool. Well, that ended quickly. We move things right along to Jenelle showing Barb her new house that was just “delivered.” Can you deliver a house? There’s so many things in life I just don’t know about. Her new home is actually pretty big and Barb loves it, especially the floors (Jenelle I love deez floorz!). Plus she has a giant walk-in closet and like 16 refrigerators stacked up next to each other. See, boys and girls, getting knocked up at 16 can really pay off! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Things take a turn when all the kids are wrestling and Jace “allegedly” hits one of the other kids (hard to keep track since there are about 15 of them right now) and Jenelle and Barb question him like he’s on trial for murder. Poor kid. I also love how much Barb keeps saying “I love this house” because she knows she needs to keep things on the up and up to stay on this show. Smart move. I also love how Jenelle looks like Kristen Stewart with her aviators and leather jacket. Suspect.
Briana – Did we know that Briana’s daughter was named Nova? Am I new to all of this? Can there really be two baby Nova’s in the Teen Mom franchise? I guess. Either way, this episode is centered around Nova not wanting her hair to basically be her hair anymore. She wants it to be long and straight instead of braided. Also, news flash, I’m not touching this topic with a ten foot pole.
Later the gang (including my fave, Roxeanne) head out to lunch so they can discuss how Nova doesn’t look like them and she’s probably starting to notice. Um, if she hasn’t started to notice she totally knows now because you’re talking about her being different right in front of her and, thanks to the magic of ‘having ears,’ she can hear you. They always do that. Also, why am I getting all mad about it? Perhaps I need hobbies. I also really want Roxeanne to contact me and I want to, quite possibly, knock over a 7-11 with her. Sky. Is. The. Limit. Roxeanne. Friend me on Instagam and let’s get this going.
Later, Briana’s ex chats with his friends in his own scenes about how far away he lives, but how he’s grateful that Roxanne doesn’t dropkick ever time he walks in the door. I’m confused by all of this. Also, why is everyone wearing hoods indoors?
Leah – With all the frettin’ Leah has been doing over being a full-time college student and ye old teenage mother, it’s nice to see she can find the time to go to the gym and be filmed all at the same time. It’s nice to see her doing so well but, if I’m being honest, I really miss the days when she’d fall asleep whilst talking to Ali-Latasha’s doctor on the phone. Simpler times, really. Anyjunk, Leah is working out with her friend who is basically just there to close a business deal on camera so she can sue the pants off of Leah if she ever backs out. I see you, Judge Judy!
Apparently Leah’s friend is involved in what I can only assume is one giant Pyramid Scheme where she’s found this lipstick that won’t rub off unless you basically take a sandblaster to your lips. She takes orders from people and then ships out the perma-lipstick to them. My guess is that the lipstick must be made with a combination of lead paint, asbestos, and whatever they used to make Shrinky-Dinks with. You remember.
Leah stops her squats to test out this magic lipstick and, she’s right, it doesn’t rub off so you can basically look like a streetwalker all the live-long-day. Hooray! Her friend convinces her that she can make a killing because of her social media following and then she is like, “I’ll do it with you” and then she makes her shake on it. Seems logical. And you totally know “dem babies” are gonna be shellacking that sh*t all over their mouths during school, at cheering “competitions” and just when they’re playing on the prairie.
Oh and it gets better. Leah is now making a beauty tutorial video on how to apply this magic lipstick which, spoiler alert, you put on your lips like lipstick. Mind. Blown. It also looks like she’s drawing a mustache on her mouth so maybe that’s part of the secret sauce? I am, of course, proved wrong because Leah then tries to rub the lipstick off onto a tissue and, voila, it does NOT come off. A true miracle of modern times. I mean, I’m sure her lips are burning and will eventually fall off and she’ll be left with nothing but teeth and gums, but for the time being she’s proud of herself.
There’s a bunch of issues with the one daughter not having energy to really do her activities anymore and it super depresses me so let’s just leave it right about here.
Kail: Got some court order against Javi to keep him away from her, but not the restraining order kind, so I’m confused. Also, I don’t care.
Chelsea: Ate steak at Randy’s house.