Jenelle – Per “the usual” Jenelle isn’t pleased that she’s sitting around her house planning an extravagant Mother’s Day and Jace isn’t going to even be there. That’s strange. After last weeks episode where Jace would rather have the devil dance on his face than go to Jenelle’s “Land-of-Horror” for the weekend, I just assumed he’d be chomping at the bit to spend Mother’s Day with Jenelle. Apparently it’s Barb (go figure) that won’t let Jace head on over for the festivities. I think that makes the most sense since Barb is the mother of all mothers. Why not celebrate big! Grab the deli slicer from “the ‘Mart,” press that blue shirt, fluff those bangs from the top of the head, grab that vape, and just pahhhhty yaw ass off! Where was I?
David seems to think that Barb is just upset and scared because they caught her at the world’s worst Cinco de Mayo party last week and took amateur footage of her sipping a glass of wine. Jenelle agrees, but she’s just focusing on her upcoming court case to see who gets to own Jace for sport. She thinks as long as Barb can’t hold Jace over her head she’ll be fine. If she does, she claims she’ll be in contempt of court and then go to jail. Aww that’s so sweet. Remember when you wished your mom would serve jail time. My heart is warm all over. And look at Big J knowing all the court lingo! Honestly she’s been to court so much they really should give her some college credits for that. Perhaps by the end of the year she could be a lead prosecutor!
Oh, and I meant to ask. Do any of my readers have their own blog or website? Drop me an email here to let me know and let’s chat!
In other news, Kaiser is playing with his “toys” in the kitchen, in which David was upset and yelled at him to keep his toys in the living room. Was it so much a toy as much as it was like an old-timey hatchet? Hard to tell.
Later we get less than 30 seconds of Barb, which really should be illegal now that I think about it. She’s asking Jace how school was and he rolled his eyes all whilst punching a piece of paper so I think it’s safe to assume school’s going well. Barb, the little jokester that she is, then starts asking him about his girlfriend and he said he didn’t have one, but then he smirked and Barb started laughing. Is it just me or is that possibly the only time we’ve ever seen Jace smile in 7-years? Maybe Barb is good for him? Also, I don’t care.
The Hottest Gifts This Year: Swipe Left
What I do care about is the fight that Jenelle and David got into over laying down the sod. Or not laying it down. I think that was the problem. Or is that just, like, sex talk I don’t understand? Jenelle is bored out of her mind on Mother’s Day and sitting on the porch all whilst David works on “the land.” I love when the camera does an aerial shot of “the land” because it reminds me of the same set up as Theresa and Joe’s house from Real Housewives of New Jersey and, well, we know how that turned out. Anyway, David is yelling at Jenelle because he says he’s the only person who can work on the yard and then starts using his hatchet to, like, attack some trees and whatnot. Jenelle storms inside the house and the producer goes in after her. Here’s the thing….Jenelle was a little dramatic BUT she didn’t yell at the producer, spoke calmly, and said she wasn’t going to feed in to anyones drama. I was like, where’s the door slam and the “Duuuuude are you kidding me duuuuude” all at the same time? #Growth
In the end, Barb ends up calling up Jenelle to see if she wants to see Jace since it’s, you guessed it, Mother’s Day. Jenelle deadpan says she wants to see him and they agree to meet in the park later. Barb slips in, “Oh and Jace said if David’s gonna be there he doesn’t want to go.” So good. Jenelle freaks out and ends up saying that Jace has to act civil and social (?) because David is going to be here forever. Aww that’s nice. I’m sure Jace must love to hear that! Barb then says she doesn’t like David because he’s an a**hole and is always video-ing her (LOL). Jenelle lets her know that she’s been filmed since 2009 so she should know that when there’s a camera she shouldn’t act insane. All valid points. Jenelle even said she learned that lesson the hard way (she must be referring to the Kesha concert and feather situation). Barb then says she’s not going to sit in the car for an hour as they “play family picnic.” Well that must be the phrase that pays because Jenelle loses it and screams at Barb and calls her a b*tch..all whilst David films Jenelle having this call. That dude loves to do camera work. Barb of course hangs up the phone.
Briana – Another week another last ditch attempt to possibly sell this here baby to anyone who will take her. I mean this family is really banking on the possibility that a last minute adoption is still in the cards. Even someone like me actually feels bad at this point. That’s only half true. It’s still entertainment after all.
The good news is that a baby shower is going to be planned. Hooray! And the guest list will only consist of about 20 people. I would give my right arm to see that list and see if Brandon and Theresa were at the top of that list with a little emoji “fingers crossed” next to their names. Alas, we’ll never know. What we do know is that apparently Luis is still not really doing much. Briana doesn’t think he’ll be there for “this baby” and I think she’s right. I think Roxanne is going to have to cut that little rat tail that I love so much and play the role of the man moving forward. I think she’d do a better job than Luis anyway.
Speaking of Luis, as Briana and her friend Shirley (yes!) head to some dumpy party store to buy junk for the shower, she lets her know that her whole family that’s going to be at the shower doesn’t know that Luis cheated on her and that they’re not together. So she quickly hatches a plan to text Luis to let him know this information because she says that they need to pretend in front of everyone that everything is fine. Makes sense. Assuming these people don’t own televisions or celebrate in the gift of eyesight, I think their secret is safe. Also, I need to know more about Shirley. I also want to know if we can call her Shirl. I don’t want to get invested if she’s not going to be in more episodes. Oh also, Briana is upset with herself because she informs us that you’re supposed to upgrade from your first baby daddy and she actually hasn’t upgraded with this second baby daddy so she feels like she messed up again. I’m learning so much about how baby daddy status levels work. USA! USA! USA! USA!
16 generations of DeJesus woman are together in one room and I’m pretty sure none of them are over 50. Do with that what you will. Everyone is getting ready for Briana’s baby shower to celebrate the upcoming birth of the baby that up until 11 minutes ago no one really wanted. I mean, they wanted her for the show, you know, but once filming is done I’m pretty sure that’s going to be a wrap.
Briana’s grandmother, Martha, is in attendance to help with the shower, but would rather be on her phone than really taking part in any of this mess. Abuela DeJesus should be respected as she has given us Roxanne and Roxanne gave us Brittany so basically let’s all have a moment of silence for gratitude. Ok done. Abuela is chit chatting with everyone about her first impression of Luis. Mind you, Roxanne had to coax that out of her like the producer-in-training she is! To my surprise, Abuela seemed to really like Luis. She said he was really happy they were having a girl and was being all sorts of nice to Briana so that made Abuela squeal with delight. What made me squeal with delight was the amount of times someone said, “So let me ax you.” I couldn’t love “ax” any more than I already do. It makes me feel like I’m on the cutting room floor of edited out scenes from Lean on Me. I found myself chanting at my television, “Free Mr. Clark! Free Mr. Clark!” But I digress.
I feel like we need to see more of Abuela. I bet she’s like a wise old owl but, you know, with a side of sass-a-frass and two cups of z-snaps. I also feel like she may or may not drink Zima and I may or may not be alright with that. Either way it looks like she’s giving Luis the benefit of the doubt, but Brittany looks skeptical. In other news, I’m skeptical of Florida.
In the end, everyone is all pissed off and spray-painting letters for the party all while Briana freaks out over being hungry and then cries in the kitchen after Roxanne yells at her. Happy Baby Shower Day!
Kail/Leah – Kail is busy painting the baby’s new room with her friend that I think they’re calling “Quakers” or some-such. I can’t follow. I must have fallen into a time machine because Javi swings by to play with the boys while Kail paints and he ends up teaching Issac how to ride his bike. Good for him. Good for him even though he was super shaky riding it in the middle of the street and almost ran down a defenseless dog when Kail came outside to see him in action. Eh, the dog was fine. They have nine lives anyway, don’t they?
Everything seemed to have been going well for Kail. That is until we find out that Javi has served her with some form of court documents because he’s trying to get some child support from her. Something tells me that once Kail received those papers she punched multiple holes in her wall. To take the game of “Gotcha Gotcha” to the next level, Javi used the same guy to serve Kail as she used to serve him with the divorce papers. Isn’t love fun!
Evidently Javi wants some cash money for things like health insurance and some rainy-day money so he can build his savings account up. I’m sure this is going to go really smoothly. Oh, and you know what I didn’t know until yesterday? Kail and Javi are both going to appear on the upcoming season of Marriage Boot Camp this fall. Did anyone know that? It kind of makes me wonder if they really do hate each other or if it was just a way to increase the chances they’d get on another reality show. I mean, either way slow-clap for them, but it all seems a little suspicious to me. Suspicious like if you were to see Suzi at a Walgreens at 6am buying a beach chair, Christmas cards, and two cases of chocolate pudding. I’m not saying I saw her doing any of that, I’m just saying it would seem suspicious.
Leah’s scenes all have to do with doctor appointments and you know how I feel about that. What I will say, however, is that I did laugh a little when Leah and Ali Latasha were in the car driving to the appointment and Leah starts to talk in Dr. Tsao’s voice, but then stops herself because she realizes she’s being filmed and probs shouldn’t be doing an Asian accent on camera. Go figure. The good news is that there’s nothing wrong with her heart or her lungs, so that’s good! In other good news Leah’s 67-inch fishtail braid stayed in the whole episode! That must be some strong weave glue.
Chelsea – Made Funfetti.
And just for old time sake, how about we all scroll through some of the best ugly cry pics from Farrah. Just click the pic below!
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