Jenelle – I always love when Teen Mom 2 turns into an episode of COPS and, well, this time was no different. I typically prefer my episodes to consist of a chase with the cameraman running after all the action with a shaky camera, but this one will have to do. The producer, Kristen I believe, hears a little knock on the front door. Since it was the winter I would have assumed it was Suzy Snowflake tap, tap, tappin’ on their window pane, but apparently it was the local Sheriff. This is just like another average day for Jenelle. They’re locked in their bedroom (with a nice cracked hole in the door) and poor Kristen and her perm are forced to panic and let Jenelle know the cops are here. Jenelle finally comes out of her room and decides she’s not answering the door. Makes sense. She then stands in the kitchen and tells everyone she doesn’t know why the cops are there because she hasn’t hit anyone. Uh, how is that the first go-to?! It was during this conversation that I noticed around 17 alleged pill bottles sitting right there on the edge of her counter. Now I’m sure there are all sorts of HIPPA laws, but I want to know what’s in every single bottle and what it’s for. Who’s with me?! In other news, those bananas look ready to eat.
In typical COPS fashion, David comes busting out of his bedroom without a shirt on and in a rage over the Sheriff being at the door. He angrily opens it with wet hair and asks the Sheriff what he’s doing there. The Sheriff wants him to come outside to talk, but David sasses back, “You gotta warrant?” Suddenly everyone is a lawyer on this show! The Sheriff claims he’s there to do a wellness check on the children and David just goes, “Then go to daycare” and slams the door in his face. I hear the police love when you do that kind of stuff. He then heads into the other room screaming that he’s going to bust Nathan’s head open for calling the police. For real, he’s a maniac. I need to know, in real life, what Kristen thinks about all of this. Also, I’d also like Kerthy from Teen Mom OG to weigh in as well.
So later that Sheriff is just,uh, standing at the edge of the property with his blurred face staring at the house. For real it’s creepy. Jenelle isn’t sure why he’s there still so she opens the door and yells at him from her front door. He just keeps saying that he’s just doing his job, but Jenelle decides to spill the beans that CPS has been to her house over 20 times because “the haters on Twitter” keep filing complaints and that all 20 times her case was shut down because basically the kids were fine. The Sheriff just keeps saying he’s going his job, but then says he’ll put a note in to let them know to stop bothering her. I mean, is there like a database just for Jenelle? I assume there is but I’d like it confirmed.
After the Sheriff leaves David yells at Jenelle (shocker) for talking to the police at all. Although he kept calling them the PO-lice. This really is like COPS! David was spewing out some nonsense about the cops listening to her story and then telling their cop friends in the office and then their wives and next thing you know the story is all changed around and back on Twitter. I’m sorry, what now?! Also, at one point David said that he himself wasn’t a “drug salesman” so I’m now officially lost on what’s happening. Meth is a helluva drug, you know, just in general.
At the end, MTV gets super serious and we know this because the music gets dramatic. As we all know by now David allegedly got into some Twitter fights and started allegedly bashing the LGBTQ community and so MTV decided to stop filming with him and issue a statement. Good for them. Sadly, Jenelle then decided not to film anymore either. Oh, but you know who WOULD film? Barb! YES! So off to Barb’s House-of-Laughs the producers go to see if she’s heard from Jenelle. Barb hasn’t, but I couldn’t fully pay attention because she looked so ravishing whilst sitting on her whicker furniture in her sun porch. Ooh la la! She keeps calling David a piece os shiz and even references the picture they posted of Jenelle holding some kind of gun on the same day of the Florida school shooting. Smart! She thinks it’s tough, but tries to cut Jenelle a little slack by saying, “They don’t watch the news over there.” Barb, per usual, is concerned about “what’s going on over at that there house” and she hopes Jenelle wakes up. I just hope Barb is on this show more because without her I’m starting to fade.
Briana – I’ve been getting some recent backlash because of my love for Roxanne. People think I’m cheating on Barb. NEVER! I’m just saying there’s enough love to go around. I mean, I’ll never set foot in Orlando, but outside of that Roxy is in a close second. Anyway, Roxy spills the beans to Briana that Javi asked her permission to marry her daughter. I mean, technically, she told Briana that Javi “axed me for my blessings.” I couldn’t love her any more than I do. Briana was confused by why her mother was ruining the surprise, but Roxy just kept telling her “If things are going well with him you have to tell me…because I’m your mother.” Even Briana cracked a smile. Oh, and Briana is getting some plastic surgery done via Dr. Miami in a few weeks, so there’s that. Good for her. I say get all the surgeries. I mean, staple on a ding-a-ling if that’s what you want to do.
Something strange happens later when Javi Facetime’s Briana from what I can only assume is the bottom bunk and not at war. He kept telling her that it’s a really hard story to explain and she won’t understand it but, guess what, he’s no longer being shoved off to war! Apparently we pulled out of Vietnam like over 40 years ago. Someone fact check me on that with your history book. I’m busy. To be honest, Bri didn’t seem like she cared he wasn’t going. She was just like, “Well now you can take care of me after surgery.” True love.
Later “due to cast scheduling” MTV couldn’t film Briana going to Delaware to see Javi. So we don’t get to see anything that happened. So we have to listen to their version of a recap. Yawn. I guess Javi never really proposed. He just showed her the ring and was like “here.” So she didn’t love that and gave it back, but Roxy thought she kept it and was spreading the word. I kind of don’t care.
In the end, Briana and Roxy go out for dinner and Roxy is totally on 10 right now. She’s getting all up in Briana’s face about Javi and why he’s moving so fast and how weird it is, etc. She then goes, “He can’t have that big of a d*ck. And you can tell him I said that.” Slow clap for Roxy. Briana half smiles and then says she’s being too extra right now. Is that was the kids are saying? Roxy starts to cry and gets up, wraps her giant silk scarf around her, and storms out while Briana yells for her to sit back down. I love a cliffhanger!
Kail/Leah/Chelsea: 50/50 custody, sold puppies, got pregnant.
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