I missed the recap last week and the amount of hate-mail I received was at an all time high. It’s like me and Mother Theresa are the same person. I am, of course, talking about Theresa Guidice. But you knew that.
Jenelle – If it’s one storyline that has never been covered yet, it’s clearly the storyline about Jenelle’s house sinking into the ground. Apparently the people who built her modular home really messed up and ended up building it out of sugar water, salt, some bird seed and popsicle sticks. Allegedly. Jenelle and David have really only been on ‘the land’ for one year and the ceiling is already cracked and pushing out air. To me that’s kind of like a whale, no? Anyway, David is pissed and if the cameras weren’t there you totally know Jenelle would have some alleged bruising to explain to the neighbors. I’m talking about tickle bruises. What did you think I meant?
I knew something was up when David and Jenelle kept emphasizing that the “VICE PRESIDENT” was coming to their house to inspect the cracks in the ceiling and whatnot. At first I was like, “Vice President?!” I couldn’t believe Joe Biden was going over to their house. Then I realized that he’s no longer the VP and, instead, Mike Pence is. Then I realized that I hate the world, 2018 sucks, and I’m still gunning for Oprah for 2022. And by that I mean either as President or, you know, just hosting 20/20. Whatever it takes to wake me up from this nightmare. Oh, anyway, the VP of the Modular Home Society (or MHS as no one calls it) was coming over and David was basically going to hog-tie him to a tree until he agrees to pick up their entire house and throw it into a different state.
Also, this is what I picture the house sinking to look like:
Was anyone else nervous AF when the VP came over? First off, his face was blurred, so you know he wasn’t signing any consent forms and was probably ruining his underpants as the cameras followed them around. It then got a little strange when they were both talking about 4 inches of soil holding up the whole house. Is that how houses stay standing? I mean, this never happens to Chip and Joanna. David keeps telling this guy that he’s built houses, rebuilt houses, and fixed rebuilt houses. Brag much? Eh, who am I to judge. I once fixed the light in my microwave (my replacing it) and told anyone and everyone who would listen.
Things take a creepy turn for the worse when the VP of the MHS enters the house, but the cameras aren’t allowed in. It basically was like watching the Blair Witch Project (is anyone here old enough to know that?) because all we saw was shaky camera work in the woods and then just voices and subtitles on the bottom of the screen. David is legit (in my opinion) bullying this guy and ends up telling him that his wife has 12 million social media followers and they’ll basically tell everyone about how bad this company was. Did anyone else almost puke when he started with the “12 million” sentence? For real, it was like slow motion and I thought he was about to say, “My wife has about $12 million dollars in the bank.” If that was the case I’d tell every 16 year old girl in America (and some parts of Canada) to get pregnant and get an audition tape going. The poor VP guy was like, “I’m very concerned” after David basically threatened him with social media and I actually felt bad for him. It’s like dealing with the white trash mafia. He then told the guy to come back with his checkbook. What a punk. You punk kids (shakes fist at the sky)!
Oh, and I almost totally forgot to mention that Jenelle bought an “End of the World” survival kit on Amazon (where else) because she’s nervous about Trump and Kim Jong Un threatening each other with nuclear bombs. David didn’t seem as concerned since, you know, he was busy clipping his nose hairs on the front porch, you know, on camera. Sidenote, MTV is totally giving him the revenge edit and, well, I’m here for all of it.
Leah – Everyone get ready for some “Jeremy is laying the pipe” jokes this week because, spoiler alert, apparently Leah and Jeremy hooked up. I knew it! I’m kidding. Whaaaat? I guess after Jeremy called Leah to basically apologize for saying she was a trash guzzling skank, Leah decided to come clean (hey oh!) to the producers and her half-sister that recently she and Jeremy decided to do naughty no-no time together. She says she doesn’t have any feelings for him, but I don’t know. I say get pregnant again and then decide later.
I like to see Leah happy, but I don’t like to see her flirty. I also don’t like to see her with a curled weave, but that’s just me. I did laugh, however, when her youngest daughter Gracie Jones (I have no idea) ripped a heart apart and told Leah and Jeremy that they were once together and then broke up. What a smart 5 year old. In other news, I’m bored.
I knew something was up by the way that Leah crawled onto Jeremy’s corduroy couch like she owned the place. She should have just been doing pantsless scissor kicks right in the middle of the trailer living room. I just assume it’s on wheels. The producers ask them some questions and Jeremy gets all bashful and says they talk about getting back together. Vomit. You get that TM2 paycheck, Jeremy! Also, he’s Lance Bass, right?
Kail/Brianna – I can’t. I am so sleepy watching their scenes. So let’s just be done with it, shall we? Javi is going back to war. I’m not kidding. He’s going back for 6 months. Also, what war? I mean we could be at war with anyone right now. I’ll assume Canada. Or Tampa, Florida. Either way he’s going and Kail is pretty unsupportive. Shocker. Briana looks like she may cry so they do the only thing that makes sense which is, of course, get matching wooden pepper shaker tattoos. I’m not kidding. Javi and Briana got matching tattoos of what I can only assume are pepper shakers. I hope at least one of them got the salt and the other got the pepper. I miss Salt-N-Pepa.
In the end, Javi was chatting with his sister and ended up showing her an engagement ring that he picked up for Briana at the mall. I’m sorry, what now? Even his sister was like whaaaat? Why so fast? Does MTV make you do this to stay on the show? I’m all for it, I just need to know. Good luck in war!