Who doesn’t love a Teen Mom 2 season finale when 15 different weddings are taking place? Ok well maybe just 2. And, let’s be real, Chelsea’s doesn’t count because she already got married 11 times. Allegedly.
Jenelle – Here’s the thing about this last episode. Believe it or not nothing really happened. The weddings did take place, but so did 255 commercials. So let’s just chat about the major highlights from this crapisode (before the reunion where, allegedly, someone pulls a knife). Jenelle was a bundle of nerves and really trying to get “the land” ready for the wedding of the century. David seemed to be in good spirits, so we’ll just assume medication was involved. It was nice to be introduced to David’s mother but, let’s be real, she’s no Barb. In fact, she’s not even a Donna.
Speaking of which, the Thelma and Louise of our generation weren’t at the wedding (as we know) so they decided to take a much deserved vacation to South Carolina. Did they fly there from North Carolina? Eh, perhaps a hot air balloon. Barb is all kinds of tears during her scenes because she feels like (get ready to drink) that David has alienated her from Jenelle. Even Donna is eye-rolling at this point and is saying what the rest of America is thinking, “You could fix this in 2 seconds if you just pretended that everything was ok.” At one point they start talking about “keys” so I’m not sure what is happening. Barb decides that she’ll never talk to David and she won’t sell Jace back to Jenelle so they’re all in quite the pickle. Donna just kind of huffs. You know, the kind of huff where those dried out 80’s bangs blow up in the huff. It’s really the best kind.
“The Land” is finally ready and Jace is ready to walk his mother down the sod-aisle for what I’m wagering a bet is not the last time. Maybe a best 3 out of 4? We didn’t get to see a lot of the wedding which was strange. And I didn’t recognize one person in the audience. Where was Tori? How come Kieffer didn’t object. And why didn’t Cortland pop out of the cake with crystal meth for all? And to all a good night. Anyway, Jenelle and David officially tied the knot (as the kids say) and they did it via their TM2 security guard, just like every little girl dreams of one day.
Did anyone else squeal with delight when all the wedding goers were walking down the aisle after the ceremony and everyone almost wiped out due to the sod being too bumpy? I think Jenelle even made and announcement about it when she was walking down. It was a real treat. They should have just gotten married in a giant ball pit.
Briana – I don’t love how much air time Devondre has been getting this season. I feel like he’s just there for the camera and the cash. Oh, and Nova’s first day of school. She wasn’t really having it, but in the end she ended up loving school. I see all the grades in her future. After Nova’s first day, everyone went out for lunch to some dump bar and, well, things took a turn for the worse (or the best!).
Devondre happened to mention that he currently has two jobs and, well, that must be the phrase that pays because Brianna lost her shiz over the fact that he’s working two jobs and is giving her zero dollars. There’s a math equation in there somewhere. She tells him that she’s going to serve him with child support papers and he’s fine with that, BUT he wants to make sure he can take Nova from time to time. Oh heeeeell no. They aren’t having that one bit and they let him know that. Devondrea finds his voice (finally) and starts mouthing off to Briana in front of Roxanne. I, immediately, go get my rosary beads because I know what’s about to happen.
The argument is pretty tame until Devondre gives a dig at Briana for not having a father and that’s when Roxy Horror loses it. She jumps up on the bench they’re sitting on during lunch and is about to hit him. Security comes in to stop her (I wonder if it’s the same guy who married Jenelle) and Devon ends up taking his mic off and giving middle fingers to the camera. You know, just how your father would have done it. Ugh.
Roxanne ends up crying out in the parking lot because she lost her mind and regrets that all the work they’ve done on Devon is now worthless and they have to start all over again. I’m confused. Is he like a robot they built? Anyway, I say more of Roxanne (per usual) and I also say that Brittany was too tame all season long. She better bring the haymakers for next season if she wants to be asked to come back.
Leah – It’s the girls first day of school and everyone is delighted. I have no idea. All I know is that the newest girl is sassin’ and frettin’ like usual and Leah is at her wits end, y’all! Leah wants to make sure the newest girl has manners and says “please and thank you” at school, but looks like she has to worry about her other daughter instead. Ali Lastasha, apparently, said the word “bull sh*t” on the bus that morning and the newest girl ratted her out. Everyone kind of laughed, especially Ali La Croix who founded it the funniest out of all of them.
To be honest, nothing else really happened worth mentioning EXCEPT the newest girl eating butter right out of the container with a knife during dinner. So there’s that. I couldn’t have loved that any more than I did. I mean, if she’s not starting her morning off like that in the future is she even living?
Kail – Didn’t name her baby.
Chelsea – Had another wedding.