Teen Mom 2 is BACK! And this season they’ve gone the OG route, broke the 4th wall, and will actually, you know, reference that they’re filming a reality show. All my 2017 wishes are now officially fulfilled. Well, except you sharing this recap and friending me on Facebook and Instagram. That’s still out there.
Jenelle – I’m totally loving that we all get to experience a Judge Judy-like episode and watch Jenelle take the witness stand in an attempt to tell her side of the story and not get the death penalty. I assume? I actually forget why they’re in court. Either way, what’s awesome (besides all of it) is watching Jenelle’s lawyer chewing gum in court while the judge is talking to them. She’s like the Britney Spears of the legal system and, you know what, I’m fine with that.
Nathan’s girlfriend, Jessica, is the first one to take the witness stand as a random cartoon walrus cop questions her about what happened that day. She basically said Jenelle was having a yard sale with all of Nathan’s clothes and Mother Nature was the only person who was allowed to buy it. So they drove to Jenelle’s House-of-Terrors to pick up his stuff off the front lawn when suddenly a mason jar cracked her over the side of the head and she then saw Jenelle go running into the house. I mean, this is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure at this point. Jenelle’s lawyer tries to do her best Annalise Keating on Jessica and is saying things like, “Is is true you went there to pick a fight with the defendant??” I was waiting for her to sit down and wipe all the makeup off her face and pull off her wig. I get let down a lot on this show evidently.
Next up, Nathan and Nathan’s mini ponytail take the stand and he tells his side of the story, including Jenelle texting him and begging him not to call the cops. Jenelle’s lawyer calls him a “button pusher” and then Nathan starts asking the lawyer why Jenelle’s boyfriend calls him a girl on Twitter. I’m not joking. That actually happened. Why is the judge allowing any of this?! Also who’s the jury?! And more importantly why can’t I ever get on one of them fancy Jenelle Evans court cases?!
Jenelle takes the witness stand and her lawyer actually laughs and says, “While we’ve already talked about this in length, why don’t you tell me what happened that day?” Jenelle starts explaining how Nathan brought his girlfriend by her house when she was just about to move and was busy “making ice water” when they came by. I’m sorry, she was “making” ice water?? Like, is there a recipe? I guess it’s tough being a single mom especially when you have to focus a portion of your day on water-making responsibilities. Regardless, Jenelle apparently felt threatened that Nathan’s girlfriend was there so she decided to cool her off by throwing her glass of water at her…but…whoopsie (!!) the glass itself actually slipped out of her hands and played a little game of “bump bump bump” on Jessica’s head. Then Jenelle felt threatened again (even though she just pitched a glass of water at Jessica) and started to run back in the house all whilst Jessica threw the glass back at her (missed) and Nathan was screaming “You’ll never see your son again!” She ends up ugly-crying on the stand and also says she just tries to be a good person. It’s really the oldest story in the book. Jessica, dressed like a no-nonsense 90’s business woman, kept smirking at her lawyer during Jenelle’s testimony. I think she’s calling BS on her side of the story. I was waiting for Barb to burst into the courtroom like the Kool-Aid man and screaming, “I’m out of order?! You’re out of order! This whole damn courtroom is out of order!” and then backwards crab walk out.
In the end, Jenelle cries her eyes out in the waiting room and asks why “they’re” doing this to her. But it’s quickly back to the courtroom for the verdict. Why am I so nervous?! For real I am. Don’t judge me you jerks. You’re not Judy! I was waiting for the juror to start with “We the jury find the defendant Orenthal J Simpson….” But they went with Jenelle’s name instead. Apparently that’s how that works. Who knew?! Anyway, they found Jenelle not guilty and Jessica just turned around to Nathan and shrugged her shoulders and made a face that said, “Eh, at least we’re on TV.” I mean, her face also said, “Who’s going to pay for this ill-fitting business suit I’m sporting?” The point is her face says many things. Finally, Jenelle cried again for the 10th time and her lawyer said she almost was going to cry and then she high-fived David all whilst snapping her gum so there’s that. Let freedom ring! ??
Leah – Well it’s game day and Shataki-Eliza and Ali McBeal are ready to play, but there’s just one little thing that may put a pin in that plan. MTV. Well, MTV and Leah. Leah is frettin’ as she’s trying to pack up the car because she feels like she’s missing something. As soon as she said that I immediately started counting the kids in the car especially after there were just three actual dolls strapped into the carseat. Leah realizes that she can’t find her keys and is freaking the F out. I was just impressed she was able to find a brush this season so she shouldn’t be so hard on herself.
Anyway, as Leah goes to look for the keys, the girls decide to basically kung-fu fight each other in the car. They must have certain fighting rules because one of the girls starts to get skittish and says she meant to hit her more in the stomach area than her face. Eh, all is fair in love and war…and West Virginian poverty. The girls are crying and screaming and trying to tell Leah who hit who and Leah legit doesn’t care. I know that because she actually started screaming, “I don’t care! Where are the keys. ANSWER ME!” The girls then start crying even more and Leah retreats back to the house and locks herself into a closet because she says she needs a second because she’s feeling a panic attack coming on. Yowza. Her mic was still on so we got to hear her freaking out and saying, “Of course this happens when MTV is here! This only happens when they’re here!” I actually felt a little bad. But, to be honest, it was only misplaced keys. I don’t think you get your kids taken away due to that. Do you? Sure they’ll miss the game but it looks like they got a good workout in the backseat of the car punching the crap out of each other anyway.
The good news is that Leah finally found her keys. The bad news is that the girls lost their tee-ball game 57 to 2. I have no clue. MTV just showed us still-photography of the game and not actual footage. I was looking forward to watching the girls take their anger out on the ball and run all the bases whilst twirling a wooden bat. Anyway. But things get better for me because it’s time for a sit down convo with Leah’s friend Chasity. Nope, autocorrect, I didn’t spell Chastity wrong, it’s just Chasity. Not T required this time, know-it-all. Leah is explaining to Chasity how she lost her keys and she thought everyone would think she was a bad mom, etc. It was pretty simple. However, Chasity was looking at her like she was trying to explain how planes stay in the air. She just kept looking away and grunting things like “yeah” every once in a while. God I love that woman.
Later, Leah plays my other favorite game “Swap Your Kids With Their Daddy on the Side of the Highway” and Jeremy lets us all know he’s going to be going to South Dakota for up to 4 months for work. G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. I think the highway is going to miss Jeremy more than Leah is. I just feel bad for the kid. I forget her name, but I’m sure it’s something that rhymes with Alilaquantas.
Kail – I’m not too sure what’s been going on in Kail’s life, but things can’t be too good since she’s decided it’s time to throw herself out of a plane. So if you ever wanted to see what it looked like for the Cowardly Lion to be floating in the air, you’re in luck! Truth be told, Kail looks good lately and I’m a terrible person…just so we’re on the same page. Also, I was totally disappointed that Jo’s mom, Janet, wasn’t also sky-diving so that she could do the entire Rhythm Nation dance sequence mid air. Eh, maybe next time.
I’m really liking that the teenage mothers (?) are able to talk about being on the show. Everyone is talking about the reunion episode and Kail mentions how she cried the whole time and how she realizes she’s not her best self being with Javi. Javi isn’t there to defend himself since he’s somewhere probably in Tajikistan looking for Bin Laden’s 15th wife and protect the United States from the future Donald Trump. I have no idea what I’m talking about, but what I do know is that per usual Kail is questioning her future with Javi and I’m busy questioning our future this season if Suzi isn’t sauced out of her mind and filming scenes for this show all the live-long-day.
Oh wait, never mind….there’s Javi. Well, technically, he’s not here, but he is Facetiming some random dude and MTV is filming the Facetiming conversation. They’re both chit-chattin’ like two girls in homeroom playing a game of MASH. Javi claims he still wants the marriage (like it’s a dog with rabies), but isn’t sure if Kail is going to be into it once he gets home. I mean, is he talking about a marriage or leftover Chinese food?
In the end Issac graduated kindergarten and everyone is there except Javi and….Issac is pissed that he’s not there. He said he was sad, but I know anger when I see it. It’s the same reaction I have when the episode is almost over and there’s no Janet and there’s no Suzi. I hide behind a giant menu too. I’m a liar is what I’m trying to say. Anyway, Javi ended up Factiming Issac right there at the dinner table and Jo looked like he was ready to flip the table to get out of there. It could have been because Vivi was throwing an absolute fit. I muted it during that part of the scene because why the hell would I want to hear a kid screaming and crying? I’m ready to be a dad evidently.
Chelsea – wants privacy.