Domestic violence is never funny….usually. When we’re talking about a couple of trash bags throwing haymakers over what I can only assume is awkward Myspace flirting with strangers, it’s a little funny. Someone pulled the gotcha-gotcha on Jenelle and Nathan when a mystery person called 911 to report that they’re playing “Why’d you burn the roast, bitch?” before the street lights even went on. Personally, I love when any form of a reality show turns into an episode of COPS. Typically I do like a nice on-foot chase, but I’ll settle for Nathan exiting the house in cuffs crying and screaming for Jenelle to not do this to him and to tell them he didn’t do anything. More importantly, it looks like Nathan is going to get fired from Circuit City for missing his next shift. Similar to why you should always wear clean underwear in case you unexpectedly get rushed to the ER in an ambulance, you should always wear nice clothes in case you randomly get handcuffed and trucked off to the slammer.
If, during these scenes, you listen closely you can hear a lot of “tap tap tapping” in the background. Yeah, that’s the neighbors in this nice new development hammering in their “For Sale” signs into their front lawn. Imagine living somewhere nice and, not only is there a camera crew in front of your house on the regular, but out comes Nathan and Jenelle from Teen Mom 2 screaming with cops involved. Everyone would hate that. Except me. That’s why I’d just have a folding chair with me at all times. I’d just pull up that chair and watch this all go down as I ate frozen grapes (it’s a thing, do it) and live-Tweeting what I was witnessing. I’d laugh, applaud, and shout “Bring Me Barb! Bring Me Barb!”
You know what the strangest part was during all this arresting hoopla? How calm Jenelle was. The cops were photographing all her bruises and she was almost “Paris Hilton posing” for the pictures. Then at one point she said she has bruises on her thigh” but that they “can’t get to it.” I was like, “Ow! Ow!” and whistled like the Saved By The Bell audience. Jenelle remained stoic as Nathan actually cried whilst getting into the police car. Do you think Jenelle will get jealous when Nathan gets a prison girlfriend? I’d assume he’d wife-up right away. You know, maybe trade body parts for a pack of cigarettes….or anything else we’ve all learned from Orange is the New Black. Oh, I hope Red is his bunkmate! Wait, what are we talking about?
I know Barb wasn’t in this scene (or really in this season at all, which is such a giant mis-step from MTV) but I feel like if she were there it she would say something like this….please insert applicable accent everywhere:
“Oh hi, Jenelle. Nathan you aaaaah the biggest piece of shit on da face of the god-damn earth. Jenelle, you bettaaah be done with this Mr. Disrespectful Paaaahhht II. You know Jenelle, I told ya that this here Nathan was no good for you. Well Nathan, I hope you have a la-di-da time in prison because yaaaaw gonna be runnin’ from Bubba like I run from my shift at Walmaaaht when I have to slice the deli meat!”
You know, something like that. Anygarbagebags, whilst this is all going on you what what Barb is trying to do? Teach Jace how to read. But who’s going to teach her? She’s like, “Come on Jace it says, “The spooorrrrts caaaahhhh says broooom!” Jace isn’t having it and probably wishes he was back at Jenelle’s house of horror playing a little game of Throw Mommy Around the Bedroom. It’s all the rage with “the kids” since Candy Crush lost its luster.
We find out that since the court systems frowns on adults playing that game (see above) Nathan and Jenelle can’t have any communication with each other in any form for 1 month. And the neighbors are probably breathing a sigh of relief. Jenelle is busy getting ready to look for apartments because she thinks she may be done with Nathan (I mean). And Nathan is busy bragging with his friend (who looks like it’s painful for him to film these scenes) that what Jenelle is saying isn’t true and all he was doing was simply trying to remove the engagement ring from Jenelle’s finger and that’s what she hurt. In the end, Jenelle is torn with what do to because Nathan’s other friend is hanging out with Jenelle and claiming he doesn’t have another girl he’s talking to and he really misses Jenelle because their heart beat as one. Do their fists punch as one? Nathan is dramastically (#dramastically) serious about all of this!
Meanwhile in the busted streets of West Virginia, Leah is just trying to mother her babies, y’all! It’s really tough for her to do this because, quite frankly, she’s an absolute disaster dumpster of a woman. Plus, the littlest child, Adrialutakka is sassin’ momma on the regular because she doesn’t want to keep her shoes on. In her defense her shoes were probably bought from a local flea market, are too small for her, and are laced with asbestos shipped in from China. But, to make things even worst Leah just found out that Jeremy really is going through with the divorce and she breaks down crying in her car as all her kids are like, “Shit, here we F’n go again.”
Leah steps out of her car to call her friend and cry about the pending divorce. I actually felt kind of bad, but then squealed with delight when she stated that she was served the papers art the local supermarket. I’m sure she was like, “Well, y’all, I guess we ain’t gettin’ no cheese puffs this time, y’all!” And then I’m sure she still got the cheese puffs. I mean, her kids need breakfast after all. However, through all of this nightmare, Leah decides that she basically needs to take a timeout for herself and go to some form of a therapy retreat where she can work on herself and come back a brand new person. I truly hope this “new person” she comes back as has crunchy wet curls and dry bangs like yesteryear because, to be honest, she was way more fun back then.
I’m not really sure what kind of place she’s talking about. I assumed she meant a rehab but she’s making it seem like it’s a spa where you may or may not talk about your feelings. She ends up calling Jeremy to tell him about this plan, where the girls will stay, and how she’ll come back as that brand new person. Jesus, this is almost as bad as hearing Ramona talk about her damn “New Beginnings” party from Real Housewives of New York City. Who’s with me? Anyway, it was interesting when Jeremy said he thinks this is good for her and she should talk about things with the therapist that will even make her sad and cry…and how she needs to talk about “everything.” What’s that “everything?” I hope there wasn’t none diddlin’ y’all in her past because after all this Bill Cosby and Jared from Subway hoopla, I think it’s safe to say we shouldn’t trust anyone anymore. Also, I used the word “hoopla” twice, so far, in this recap so I think I should win some kind of award.
Jeremy lets Leah know, just to be sure, that even if she comes back as a brand new person (#TheNewJanBrady) he’s still moving forward with the divorce. This makes Leah cry and I’m sitting here thinking, yeah I’m ok with that. I figure it’ll be more entertaining next season when Leah finalizes her divorce and then immediately finds another boyfriend, gets pregnant and gets married all within a week. It’s like a Double Eviction Night on Big Brother. So much happens!
Here’s the thing about the other two on this show, Kail and Chelsea, I could care less and less. Kail and Javi were a complete snooze this week. And I couldn’t care less about Jo and Veegina having a baby (mainly because Janet wasn’t there at all) and even less about their trip to Florida where Kail wears a big floppy hat in the sun. Yawn. Per usual, it’s not overly fun to write about Chelsea either…mainly because she seems like a decent mom (even with that red long hair that never changes). However, this week I think the American Justice System pulled the “gotcha gotcha” on Adam because when they all showed up to court to discuss custody and whether or not Adam can be with Aubree by himself, he ends up losing that case AND to top things off he gets arrested at the end of court because he hasn’t paid his child support! Of course, none of this is captured on camera so all that really may have happened was the entire court room singing “Boom Shake Shake Shake the Room” by Will Smith and the world’s biggest Macarena competition. Clearly we’ll never know.
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