Briana – It’s finally the day of that prized baby shower or a yard sale to see who may or may not want to buy the baby at cost. It’s a real toss up. Either way it was good to see those painted letters spell out “S-T-E-L-L-A” without any of those dreadful drip marks from last week (you remember the ones). There are a lot of randoms at this baby shower and by that I mean guys. One guy even has painted yellow Justin Timberlake Ramen hair from the late 90’s. Eh, what was once old is now new again. I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re talking about when they say “the circle of life.” Apparently Luis brought those guys to the shower because they’re his friends from New York. To make matters worse, one of his friends brought like a documentary camera and is filming…even though there are the same MTV cameras there. So it’s like a reality show within a reality show. It’s basically Inception, but with unwed mothers.
You know who doesn’t love that there’s a random camera there? Roxanne. Oh you know it! Bring it on! She’s telling everyone it’s disrespectful to “roll up” to a baby shower with a camera when there are already cameras there thanks to MTV. She also thinks it’s rude that Luis didn’t “ax” Briana for her permission first. For those of you playing Teen Mom 2 Bingo at home, please stamp your cards. We’re playing a coverall for this one. Roxanne is kind of yelling and sassing and the like and then it gets really awkward and quiet so Brittany just looks around and goes, “Welcome to a Puerto Rican baby shower.” She. Is. The. Best. To me, Brittany is like Rosie (Kathie’s sister) from Real Housewives of New Jersey. She’s awesome and more interesting then the actual cast-member so they keep her around because she’s the unsung hero.
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Brittany (my spirit animal) also thinks it’s weird that a bunch of random guys were at the baby shower since, you know, it’s supposed to be for girls. Maybe they were there to pee in a cup and see if they happened to be the baby daddy of a child or two. It’s like one of those tupperware parties from the 80’s, but modernized. Again, circle of life. Anyjunk, Luis is all freaked-to-the-F-out because Briana invited her ex-boyfriend to the shower and, well, since it was a chance to make his television debut he said “Yes.” I’m sure he actually said, “Feets don’t fail me now!” as he Kool-Aid Man busted through her front door. Luis had to text Briana from downstairs to let her know he wanted to have an on-camera convo with her about her ex-boyfriend, Dre, and so she decides to chat with him and says she doesn’t think it’s a big deal that he came. She claims he wanted to go to the baby shower but, let’s be honest, no man in their right mind wants to attend one of those whether a camera crew is involved or not.
Meanwhile, Roxanne (genuflect) is downstairs at the shower listening to the argument and looking like she thinks el diablo himself is going to come down and strike her dead right then and there in the rented out living room. Briana has her mother come upstairs so she can fill her in on the drama and poor Roxanne looks like she’s about to cry. I know I said this before, but she is 1,000,000% the lady from Orange is the New Black who is always on the phone crying in Spanish. Spot. On. Roxanne actually kind of sides with Luis because she thinks it’s strange Dre would want to come. Also, was he her ex-boyfriend or not? At one point she refers to him as “the guy who used to come by and bring me flowers.” So no naughty-boom-boom? Hard to tell. Just like at your own baby shower, Briana storms away yelling that Luis can suck her d**k all whilst Roxanne looks like she’s about to start balling again. Someone give her a quarter for the phone!
Briana’s family is the gift that keeps on giving when we get to meet her aunt. She’s wearing a bright yellow sweater, has bleach blonde hair, and put it in pigtails. I’m just going to repeat that for one quick second. Her adult aunt put her bleach blonde hair in pigtails. Cool. Now that we’re all on the same page, her aunt is a no-nonsense kind of gal that tells it like it is and just wants Briana to focus on the baby and not the fact that people came “rolling up with cameras.” Who knew that “cameras” would be more interesting than Kail and Leah combined. I think the 5th Teen Mom should be “cameras.”
The “next day” the whole fam goes out for pizza and all the aunts are there and I love them ALL (including the aunt with the shaved head, but don’t get me wrong I love Auntie T.S just as much). Briana spills the beans to them that she and Luis aren’t together because he cheated on her and she thought of giving the baby up for adoption. The aunts almost game themselves the sign of the cross. Then all of a sudden Roxanne started crying because…are you ready for it…because she said it was so disrespectful that Luis “rolled up with cameras” and the aunt goes, “Who cares about the rolling up of cameras!?!” It’s all so good! I. Love. This. Family.
Jenelle – For real, “the land” is pretty big y’all. Jenelle and her friend (whom I think we’ve never seen before and, also, where’s Tori been?!) are riding all over “the land” on her 4-wheeler. I don’t even know if that’s what they’re called. It’s like Britney Spears sports or some-such. Anyway, Jenelle is asking her friend to go to court with her so she can talk to the judge and try to convince the American public that Jenelle isn’t a dirtbag mother. Her friend agrees and is all-in probs because she wants to be on camera all the live-long day. I don’t blame her.
Later Jenelle meets with her lawyer who may or may not be also wearing a doctors white lab coat. Her lawyer feels Jenelle has a decent chance at getting Jace back, but she should have a backup plan. Jenelle thinks the judge is going to be impressed that she now has a house and the same boyfriend for 3-years. Does she get, like, what court is all about and what a judge actually does?
We finally get some quality time with Barb. She is, of course, wearing her signature blue shirt. And she’s trying to work with Jace on his book he needs to read for 3rd grade. She actually says to him, “You know they say 3rd grade is, like, the hardest grade.” She really is the best and a true national treasure. Barb talks to the producer about being nervous about court and that she thinks it will “ruin Jace’s life” if he is ordered to live with Jenelle and David. She also said that Jenelle “isn’t the girl I used to know.” Who else started singing, “You didn’t have to cuuuuuut me off!” Can I be honest? I’m nervous too. I’m nervous that song is going to be stuck in my head all day.
It’s finally the moment we’ve all be (sort of) waiting for! We’re going to find out who’s going to own Jace. Will it be Barb, the Deli Slicer from North Carolina, or Jenelle, the Deadpan with So Many Kids? Before we find that out, David has to pull a grey hair out of Jenelle’s head on camera. Once that’s done we get to see Barb driving to court. She looks freaked. Did anyone else spy the open bag of Cheetos in the back seat? Priceless.
I also like how this screenshot makes it look like Barb was sleep-driving, just like Ryan was that one time! Anyway, Barb is all business once she gets her silver Honda Civic into the court parking lot. She’s dressed to the nines and even has little click-clack high heel shoes on, you know, in case she needs to sexify things up for the judge. The producer stops her in the parking lot to chat, but Barb just goes, “I gotta go” and then turns and bolts towards the court house as she’s yelling, “I gotta meet with my attorney!” She could be like Judge Judy’s little sister.
Meanwhile, Jenelle is happy to chat in the parking lot for a second, but doesn’t want to make a scene there because paparazzi and press are already surrounding her to take pictures. She says how nervous she is and is even shaking a bit. It’s really the first time I was like, “Ohhh she really does want him.” I just figured up until this point it was something for her to do, you know, like playing corn-hole. Truth be told, I’m nervous too! I wonder if the judge will surprise them both and be like, “As a third alternative…Brandon and Theresa come on out here!” and then a curtain opens and they just take Jace to live with them and iCarly 1.0 and maybe even future baby Stella. Imagine that?! Looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to find out who wins Jace!
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Kail/Leah – I’m going to just keep combining these two because until they bring on a good storyline I’m protesting. Kail has to bring the boys to “college” because Javi can’t pick them up. I think they’re doing some kind of podcast. I’m not sure. All I do know is that I was embarrassed watching it. The boys are not behaving, you know, as they’re stuck in a classroom while their mom tries to complete their book-learnin’. Meanwhile, we finally got to see Vee for the first time all season I think. She looks good. Good for her. Beauty makes people better. That should be on a mug. Anyway, Jo is thinking he’s a bit bored lately so that can only mean one thing; it’s time to head to court to talk about custody! Jo wants to spend more time with Issac and he thinks Issac is confused because he’s always asking where he’s going to sleep that night. He’s kind of like a traveling prostitute with a meth habit, I’d assume. Kail, of course shall go crazy. So many baby daddies, so little time.
Meanwhile, Leah’s girls are playing baseball with Corey the Camo Beaver and they keep getting hit in the face with the softball and crying all over the place. One of the girls screamed, “No thems ball crashed in my’s face!” So obviously more schooling is needed for everyone (including me). The good news is that Ali Latasha Dershowitz III is going to get that school aid that Leah’s been pushing for. Hooray! This way the aid can help her with her lunch, getting around, etc so that she doesn’t have to struggle. I’m actually happy for her. Maybe the aid can, you know, wipe the deep red lipstick off of her mouth? Anyone notice that mess? Also, how long is Leah’s hair getting these days? Those clip-on extensions are like that My Little Pony that used to grow hair when you pulled her leg or this interactive robot pony that’s supposed to be freaking kids out this Christmas. Either way.
Chelsea – Talked about a possible rooster.
While you’re here, check out some of the best/worst Tweets from Jenelle over the course of history!
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