Jenelle – Grab you paint cans and shellack those two-by-fours because it’s time to build your own set for taking ‘Save the Date’ pictures. Anything is possible when you’re on “the land.” There’s something super creepy about Jenelle’s episode and I can’t quite put my fingerlings on it.
One of my favorite producers, Kristen, who’s always been so camera-ready lately (and I appreciate it) heads over to “the land” with the camera crew because they’re scheduled to shoot with Jenelle today. There’s just one catch. Jenelle has been texting the producers saying that she and David are in a huge fight and he won’t stop being mean to her. You know, the norm. The producers are pissed because they trucked it all the way out to “the land” and no one is coming out to play. Not even wild animals. Jenelle keeps texting that they’re not filming today and then David texts Kristen (I miss Kerthy) saying she has 5 minutes to get off “his land” before he calls the police. It was nice he was giving them 5 minutes because it’ll give them some time to perhaps tour “the land” and look for buried treasure and the like. I also like how David is pretty much taking from Elmer Fudd’s playbook right now and Kristen is Bugs Bunny when he dressed up like a girl to trick Elmer. Just me?
So of course they high-tail it out of “the land” as they don’t want to get shot at for trespassing. At least not on a day when Kristen got a blowout. I’d also like to throw out there that “the land” may one day become the scene of a Dateline episode, you know, the one’s on Friday night that I never miss because I am sans life and old? Yeah, that one. I hope Keith Morrison hosts.
The “next day” Jenelle and David decide to film and the producers show up (again) at “the land” and everyone is literally pretending that nothing ever happened. For real. Well, except Kristen. She’s producing her ass off and asking questions like “So how are you and David today?” Jenelle is like, “Oh we’re fine” like Kristen asked Jenelle if she’d like more pie. After a couple of minutes of this Kristen finally asks David how he and Jenelle are doing because of their fight yesterday. He just goes, “Fight? Did we fight?” and Jenelle is sitting on the floor, literally, ignoring all of this. Kristen (and the American public) are confused. She’s like, wait are you kidding me? David keeps looking at Jenelle like he didn’t know she was texting up a storm and spilling the beans about their fight yesterday. I was actually nervous for Jenelle like she was gonna have to “eat the cake, Anna Mae” later after everyone left. David finally stands up and is like, “Kristen just do you job and film the good stuff we’re doing and not the bad stuff” and then he storms off saying he has to go to the hardware store.” Mind you, Jenelle says n-o-t-h-i-n-g during all of this. It’s actually kind of eerie.
Later, Jenelle is dressed like a fresh morning dew, on a brand new day so she can go and buy Jace back at a highway gas station. You know, the norm. She calls up Barb who is a little bit testier than usual. We know this because when Jenelle answers the phone, Barb just starts screaming into it about Jace’s birthday party. I’m sorry, that was inaccurate. She was screaming about his birthday ‘paaaaaahty!’ There’s a difference.
Barb wants to know why Jenelle hasn’t figured out Jace’s paaaahty yet because it’y only three weeks away. Um, isn’t that still plenty of time? I’m pretty sure my parents just opened up the front door on a Saturday and screamed “paaaaaahty’ until people from the neighborhood just showed up. Anyway, of course Jenelle starts freaking out that she hasn’t had a chance to plan it yet because she was busy planning other people’s parties (OPP) and then she turned the trashy tables on Barb by saying, “Well you wanted him so why aren’t you planning his party?” Now that’s love. I’m sure Jace is going to love watching that one day. Barb basically just chimes in and says “so we’ll have two parties” and then hangs up.
Once they arrive at “Roadside Pickup” Jenelle is screaming for Jace to hurry up and get in the car (it’s like a good old-fashioned kidnapping!) and Barb runs over to give Jenelle a bottle of pills and tells her that Jace just had his worst therapy session ever. Apparently the therapist claims they’ve never seen Jace this anxious before and now they want Jenelle to go with him…ALONE. Barb makes sure to scream “NO DAVID” so that we’re all clear on what “alone” means. She then asks Jenelle “Why are you so miserable” but truth be told this is only an hour show and we’d never have enough time (in life) to cover this question. Jenelle claims she’s been ‘happy’ all day while filming until Barb called. She was happy all day? Can someone tell her face that?
Once they leave, Jenelle is like “Hey sorry about that Jace” and he’s like “I don’t like you” or some-such and then goes “JK!” But it’s like, noooooo you really wanted to say that and then chickened out. He’s all about the “Save the Date” pictures too. So apparently this is going to really be a thing.
Jace and Kaiser play in the yard while Jenelle and David quickly try to take their ‘Save the Date’ pictures before the sun goes down. They force Kristen to press the button on the camera they’ve set up and then they direct themselves in the picture by climbing on the wood structure David built and kissing and climbing…and more climbing. Poor Kaiser (literally I assume) comes over and touches the camera and Jenelle and David lose their shiz and scream at him for doing it and then David angrily picks him up and dumps if off back with Jace all whilst Kaiser is screaming bloody murder. Gee, I wonder why Jace is scared of David?! A few more awkward pictures are taken and Kaiser is literally throwing a temper tantrum and SCREAMING “FEED ME!!!!!” until he turns red. I mean what in all the F’s is happening on “the land?!”
Leah – Hey y’all! Well if we couldn’t get more country in Leah’s episode well then I don’t know what we can get. Things kick off with Leah driving the girls somewhere when I hear one of them ask Leah for the bag of “beef jerky.” I, of course, immediately throw my sandwich into the trash because I’m officially done.
Now I’m not joking when I say I still don’t know which girl is which. I just basically call them both Ali Latasha and Ali Laquisha. Either way, Ali Babba is being a little beast of a child and won’t give the beef jerky to the other sister so the other sister screams and hits her. Then the other sister hits her back and starts screaming and crying. Leah gets pissed and punishes said sisters by taking the beef jerky away from both of them. NO ONE GETS JERKY! And that’s final! The sister who started it is trying to explain to Leah that all the other sister had to do was ask for it and she would have simply given it to her, but Leah’s response is that she doesn’t have to ask her for it because she’s not the mom (yet). I just want to be clear that an actual fight is happening over gas station beef jerky. We all on the same page? And to make matters worse, the sister who started this whole mess is eating some sort of sandwich that I will only assume was also purchased at the same gas station that they do Roadside Drop-Off at, probably stinks to high heaven, and will most likely make her actually shiz her pants in the car on the way home. I mean, I almost felt the need to go just by watching her eat it.
Later the girls go fishing with Corey the human beaver and, once again, the one sister messes with the other, takes her stuff from her, and Corey has to snatch it back and yell at her. He and Leah decide it’s a good idea to send her to therapy and MTV clearly thinks it’s a good idea to make an episode of a girl being a rotten little 7-year old who’s probably just going through a phase. I’m sure she’ll love to watch this playback in another 7 years. Oh, and this same girl asks Leah if it’s her fault Ali Latasha Watkins has her issues because she was crammed up in the womb. I actually felt bad she thinks it’s her fault. Leah simply explains it was just a genetic mutation and the girl is like, “I don’t know her.”
Briana – I’m a little let down with Briana’s episode this week. It’s “things as normal” where Luis is still not around and they’re all up at 4am waiting for him (a continuation from last episode) and I was puzzled by why Stella has to also be up, filming, at this ungodly hour. Send her to bed. Roxanne, of course, is pissed at “This f’n guy, man!” but she was a little too low key for my liking.
Briana continues her ‘mothering’ duties, which includes changing diapers. If Luis would just show up he could do his ‘fathering’ duties but, alas, it’s all left up to Briana. Well she really hit the jackpot today because ‘this here baby’ decides to projectile poop on her whilst she’s being changed. And then to my surprise they actually show it. For real. It was all over Briana’s leg and the couch. And it was green. And I think showing all of this should be illegal. Brittany found all of this hysterical and couldn’t stop laughing, but I think Roxanne was pissed at herself for ever taking the plastic off the couch cushions. #RookieMistake
Briana fills everyone in that Luis couldn’t get his car to start so he was going to take it for an oil change and would probably be late. Briana thinks that’s code for “I’m not coming.” Then, to make sure ‘this here baby’ one day knows her mom reaaaaallly wanted to give her up for adoption, Briana complains that Luis didn’t want to go the adoption route because he would be there and now he’s not and Briana is left to deal with ‘this here baby.’ It’s sad, actually. But can I bring one thing up? I don’t thin it’s easy to be a single parent AT ALL, but if you’re making some money from MTV and other reality shows you’ve been on is it really as bad as you’re making it seem? I mean, I know they’re not making $1M a year, but even if it was $100K in the Orlando area isn’t that, like, a lot of money? Plus, you can probs sell permanent lipstick like Leah does y’all! Also, write a book. Make a sex tape. The works!
In the end, things get serious as ‘this here baby’ feet are turning blue and she’s having a hard time breathing so they bring her to the ER. Briana texts Luis this, but she never hears back and Roxanne suggests she kick his ass. I mean, violence is always the answer.
Kail – Javi heads on by Kail’s House of Children and he immediately gets yelled at for opening his mail in the house. Clearly you do that outside in shame like everyone else does. Kail has Lincoln spill the beans to Javi that they’re going on vacation to Saint Thomas and Javi looks like he’s about to puke. Also, didn’t Jenelle just go there? Is Saint Thomas giving away free trips to teenage mothers or something? Either way, Javi looks pissed and they begin to lightly argue about Javi trying to get child support and how he’s never seen the actual paperwork of Kail dropping the PFA (?) on him. Kail claims she’s going to go and drop the PFA ASAP and it’s up to Javi if he wants to drop his stuff too. If he doesn’t she may not be able to go to Saint Thomas. I’m bored with all of this.
Can we be done? We can? Great. In the end Javi decides to drop child support stuff and Kail drops the PFA so she can now officially go to Saint Thomas with the kids. Great.
Chelsea – Is basically playing Tetris with last names.