Teen Mom 2: So How Drunk Was Barb on Cinco de Mayo?!

Teen Mom 2: Barb Drinking Wine Cinco de Mayo Drunk 2017 Recap
Jenelle – Another day, another plan to “win Jace back” via carnival games.  I have no idea.  I assume court because that’s all Jenelle talks about.  She’s stoked for her upcoming court date where a judge will get to decide if Jace is better off with a mother who’s dead behind the eyes and already has so many children or  if he’s better off with the mother of all mothers…BARB-O-MATIC.  In case the judge is reading this here blog and wants my opinion, I feel like Jace should go back to Jenelle, but only under the following circumstances:

  1.  Jenelle is with a man (If she and David ever break up, she’ll lock herself up in her room and just slam the bathroom door and yell “dude!” until she meets another man).
  2. Barb gets to be in every episode of Teen Mom 2 and, preferably, lives with Jenelle.
  3. Jace release a music video about that “The World is a Rainbow” song he wrote and produced a few seasons ago.

We finally got a few decent minutes with Barb tonight, which is always a treat for the eyes and the ears.  The producer who I love is asking Barb about the upcoming court date and Barb spills the beans that she now has Jace in therapy once a week because he’s been crying so hard and begging her not to send him to Jenelle’s house.  But I thought he loved “the land?”  According to Barb-e-Claus, she says that Jace claims that when he goes over there David and Marissa are always mean to him and he’d rather just live with Jenelle and Kaiser.  So many choices on “the land!”  I hope they’re not mean to poor Jace.  That kid barely has a chance as it is!  Either way Barb knows that regardless and irredgardless of the outcome of “dat court case” Jenelle is going to be pissed at her and already hates her so what’s the big diff.  More importantly, Barb was in a blue jungle-pattern dress with a plunging neckline.  Any lower and her meat slicer would have fallen out.  I love her.

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Later, the episode turns into COPS, which you know I love.  Since the cameras weren’t around, David decided to take a page from Kail’s book last season and film Barb with his phone and then turn the footage over to MTV.  Below I’ll detail what Jenelle claims happened, but if you saw the footage you knew it was awesome!  They were all in the parking lot of what I can only assume was a Chili’s and Barb was screaming that she wasn’t drinking, she was only having dinner with friends which, she claims is two different things.  Is it though?  I mean, I’ve had “dinner” with my friends and have blacked out before the check arrived so there’s that.  Just me?  They’re making it seem like Barb is trashed with the kids in the car and she’s screaming that Jace will never live with them.  It’s really the same argument time and time again.  Here’s everything else that went down behind the scenes…

If a sober Barb is wrong, I don’t want to be write. That’s also the name of my future memoir. Anyway, Jenelle is recapping us on her little run in with Barb recently. This tale is centered around Jenelle wanting to spend time with Jace (take a shot!), but Barb doesn’t like the last minute notice she’s given her AND Barb also slurs out that’s it’s also Cinco de Mayo so she’s going out with her friends. Ole! Can you even imagine the hijinks? I’d envision Barb in a low cut tankini that says something like “I’m Shakin’ My Maracas All May Long” or something like, “Cindo de Drinko, One More Shot I’ll Touch Your Dinko.” You know, something really sweet and catchy.

Anyway, Jenelle decides to play the adult version of “Where in the World is Carmen San Diego” and she and David leave “the land,” hop in their car and head on over to the Mexican Regal Beagle to see if they can catch Barb 15 sheets to the wind. Upon arrival and calling her out for drinking, Barb claims that she’s only had 1 sip of wine and they just brought it to the table. David, apparently, was snapping photos left and right of Barb partaking in “the sauce” so let’s hope those are released on Twitter soon.

Later, Jenelle decides to swing by Barb’s house to “check on her” but she won’t let them in so she (you guessed it!) calls the cops. Jenelle had been banging on the door for over 2-hours so she tells the cops she wants to make sure that Barb isn’t passed out inside whilst trying to take care of her kids. I would have thrown in “or make sure Jace isn’t holding everyone hostage” for good measure. Once the cops banged on the door, Barb caved and answered the door, but told the cops she doesn’t want Jenelle on her property. I’m sure she said, “I don’t want my lil b*tch of a daughtah (that’s you!) on my private property!” Remember when you were little and you’d get in a fight with your neighborhood friends and tell them to get off your private property even if it was just your sidewalk? Good to see some things don’t change.

Here’s the thing, why does Jenelle care if Barb had a glass of wine? Is that illegal? I say Barb should drink as much as it takes to bring her accent to the next level. I’m talking Dorinda slur levels, if at all possible. Now Barb won’t really speak to Jenelle so looks like everyone is heading back to court again. Ugh, do we as the American public have to pay for this? Either way, worth it.

Briana –  Apparently Luis has been playing the dip-and-do whenever the cameras aren’t around and Briana is getting  a little pissed because she wants him to be around to help birth the baby.  I mean, I think that’s what she means.  He’s busy looking or new places to live, but ‘promises’ that he’ll find something right near her.  Our unsung hero, Brittany, actually recommended that he move next door to them so he can be there all the time.   Good God I love her.

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Luis actually did make it to the latest sonogram appointment, which was strange because the cameras were there.  I wonder if he knew they were filming?  Briana seems like she couldn’t care less that there’s a baby living inside of her.  Looking at the both of them it’s here that I realize that Luis basically looks like the Spanish version of Corey.  Is Luis Spanish?  I don’t know.  But whatever he is it’s very Corey-like.  After the appointment he spills the beans that he “may” not be able to live as close as he originally thought.  He’s like “Feets don’t fail me now!” as he books it to Tajikistan to rent a studio apartment, I’m sure.

I actually feel bad for this baby. Briana is pissed at Luis because apparently even though he claimed he was going to move, uh, near she and the baby he’s actually, uh, going to be moving further away towards the east side of town. Go figure. You know somewhere right now in her apartment Roxanne is punching countless holes in the wall. Fingers crossed, at least. Briana isn’t sure how they’re going to co-parent if he’s so far away, but insists that he’ll have to buy his own crib, diapers, car seat, carriage and the like. Yeah, that’ll get him to commit.  Also, who cares about co-parenting?  I’d be more interested in co-parroting.  That is, of course, where you and the baby daddy both dress like parrots on the weekend and repeat whatever other people say. Duh.

Here’s the part I never understand on any reality show. If you know you’re on television why wouldn’t you just fake it and, you know, lie and stuff? Like, I’d be the nicest person ever while the cameras were rolling to really make it seem like I was trying. Then when the cameras go down, disconnect your phone or do whatever you have to. Then when the new season starts, say you had a change of heart and act all nice again. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. I can’t be the only one who strategizes for the day when I’m eventually on a reality show, right? Because, I mean, one day we’ll all be on one.

In the end, Briana decides to call up Luis and have an in person meeting.  She gets in his car (probably the “scene of the crime”) and says she thinks it’s crazy that he’s going to move so far away and that he should live closer.  After all that (allll episode) he just goes, “Ok.”  And then he explains that apartments were cheaper elsewhere, but he’ll find something closer.  So, uh, ok problem solved?

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Kail/Leah –  I got so much crap last week for skipping Leah’s scenes because, well, they were just plain old sad.  This week wasn’t really that much better.  Ali Latasha Lewinski has to head back to the doctor because she’s having a hard time breathing and that just sucks.  She also looks kind of sad sitting on her chair while the other kids are playing with the new puppy on the floor.  I know we’re not supposed to feel bad for her, but I just hate seeing a kid have to really struggle with anything, especially something so big.  She’s so used to going to the hospital that she’s actually looking forward to getting her EKG because it’s one of her favorites.  Imagine?

The appointment went pretty well, but Leah mentions to her that if she just needs to use her wheel chair from now on she can.  She agrees she needs to.  So that sucks too.  On a lighter note, Leah had some real crazy extensions in her hair during these scenes so it was hard to concentrate, but I muster up enough energy to do so. See? I give of myself for you all and y’all, all at the same time.  I feel like for the sanity of the American people if the topic has to be so heavy, then someone like Chasity should have to be in the episode for comic relief.  Either that or Corey actually has to dress like a beaver.  Oh, I forgot to mention, it was nice to see Miranda in this episode.  Get that Teen Mom money!

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Meanwhile, Kail decided to drop her KFC (?) order on Javi so apparently that takes him off the Endangered Species list, I think. So that seems like good news.  She wants all of them to be able to go to Lincoln and Issac’s soccer games and I assume eat fried chicken all at the same time. I’m not sure how the laws work.  What I do know is that Lincoln absolutely hated soccer (like most kids his age) and screamed and freaked when he had to go on field. Issac, to my surprise, actually did a good job.  Javi and Kail seem to really be getting along lately so that can only mean one thing; BKT (Boot Knocking Time).  Can Kail get pregnant whilst already pregnant? Like a 2-for-1?  I’ll have to look it up in my World Book Encyclopedias.

Javi is really enjoying sitting in a little princess chair right next to Kail and she’s glowing at the flirting taking place between the both of them.  She bashfully wants him to stop bringing up how well they’re getting a long and Javi is smirking right back at her.  Is now the time to bring up the war?  I’ll save it for another time.  I still want her to get back with Jo, however.  And where has Vee been?!

Chelsea – Has a Roomba.  I saw it in the back corner of her living room.  There, I said it.

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