Jenelle – I love when Barb is in the first scene of the episode. I don’t like when no one will really talk to her so we can’t hear any of her words of wisdom/screaming. These are things that I do and I do not like. Now that that’s settled…Jenelle seems to think Barb has something up her meat-cutting sleeve and is going to fight her for custody of Jace. Um, of course she is. If she didn’t this show wouldn’t really exist. It would be a show about someone building a house in the woods. It would kinda be like the world’s worst version of Flip or Flop. As if that could get any worse.
Oh my God, you know who’s communicating awesomely these days? Barb and Jenelle! I, of course, am kidding. They don’t even talk to each other they just scream various monotone statements at each other over the phone all whilst Jace sits there wondering why life expectancy is on the rise when he’s ready to check on out of earth for good. Jenelle simply is calling back the Barb-o-Matic so they can figure out which child needs to be exchanged to whom and on which highway. Also, I’m pretty sure only part of that sentence was grammatically correct. Jenelle filled in Barb that Nathan is basically joining a gym in her neighborhood because he’s growing tired of simply lifting up his puffy leather couches in his own home so he’s going to swing by and pick up Kaiser. Somehow Barb takes that as she has to pilot a rocket-ship to Jupiter to pick up Jace this weekend. Jenelle calmly screams at Barb and starts.talking.in.short.one.word.sentences. as a way to scold her once again on national television. At one point she says she’ll just wipe her ass the same way Barb does…so now, well, I’m confused on what’s actually happening. Jace sat there quietly and looking lifelessly to the side, most likely singing “The Wheels on the Bus” silently to himself over and over again until the constant pain goes away.
Later, everyone agrees to taking part in the Great Child Swap-Off and Jenelle wants nothing to do with Barb in that parking lot. She won’t even get out of the car and makes David do it. Barb is asking where Jenelle is and David starts saying she’s sending important emails in the car, but all Barb wants to talk about is some “popcorn thing” Jace has going on at school where he can sell popcorn to people all over the United States and then win a big prize. Um, cool? Jenelle freaks on David because she claims he’s giving Barb camera time and now she thinks they filmed enough to give her an entire episode. Ugh I wish! I love a behind-the-scenes! Barb ends up storming the car and Jenelle literally pulls all the cameras out of the car (there were like 200 of them) and hands them all to the producer and tells Barb she’ll never film with her again until she gets full custody of Jace. Barb just keeps saying, “But I want to talk to you about this popcorn thing!” Barb then babbles something about not giving her visitation if she wins custody and then Jace basically tries to run out into traffic. So there’s that. I hate when they fight! I’m kidding. I love it.
In the end, Barb is on the side of the road crying to the producer over how much money she’s spent and time she’s sacrificed for Jace and Jenelle has had 8-years to get her life together and is mad at Barb over that. Jace comes out of the car and gives Barb a hug when she was crying and I actually felt bad. I think he really does love her and wants to stay with her. I mean, I don’t know. I was busy trying to find Barb’s address online so I could send her something besides a blue shirt. Although she does look ravishing in blue.
Kail – The shiz is going down at Casa de Kail lately. Apparently she’s freaking the F out because she’s claiming Javi came to her house and snuck in via the basement door and scared the holy hell out of everyone. Then, allegedly, he started opening up her drawers to see if anyone was living there. For real, I thought she meant, like, her underpants. I was like who would be living in there?! Well, except trolls. I bet, like, bridge trolls have taken up shelter in Kail’s downstairs business. But that’s just me. You may have had your own interpretation.
Anyway, later Javi is telling his giant twin friends his side of the story all whilst they ate fast food and their faces probably broke out. He’s claiming that he was talking to Kail and said he’d be over after Chipotle. Good luck with that diarrhea for the rest of the day! Well she didn’t want to wait anymore and wouldn’t let him in so he just went in via the basement and she started freaking. He claims he was calm and she went nuts so he wanted to see how she was taking care of his house so started roaming the grounds and basically said she was living in squalor. Actually, I think he said, “I made a dope crib and now it’s garbage.” Ahh young poverty stricken love!
Know who’s been quite the little firecracker lately? Vee. That’s right, I said it. She’s finally found her voice and it’s laced with two layers of sass-a-frass and one layer of ombre hair that’s, lets face it, is never coming back. Kail heads over to Jo’s house (that looks not so great on the outside, but pretty nice on the inside – go figure) so she can fill him and Vee on what’s been going on with all things Javi. As we know, Kail is alll done with the “slick talk” that Javi is giving Kail on camera on the regular. But this time she’s also filling them in on how Javi somehow showed up to her house via the basement (drink!) and Issac was all “Um, you’re not supposed to be here.” So now Kail and Jo think Javi is going to kill them all in their sleep or, even worse, when they’re awake. Vee is basically laughing it off saying they’re painting Javi like he’s a lunatic. Hmmm I wonder if we could wife-swap with these two couples? Vee + Javi and Kail + Jo. Honk if you like that. I mean, I won’t hear you honking, but I think I’ll feel it in the depth of my being. Anyway, Vee also called out Kail after she said that couples are supposed to “be a team” and Vee was like, “Yeah well you didn’t do that with Jo at first so….” All she was missing was a z-snap, a twist, and for Janet to bust through the wall, twerking, and rapping “Booty, booty, booty, booty, rocking everywhere.” Or whatever that song was. I’m old. The point is is that Vee thinks that this is all karma for Kail after what she put Jo and Vee through, so basically I’m sure we’ll hear more about this during the reunion special.
In the end, Javi basically held his kid hostage and won’t let Kail see him. I just think these two are so in love.
Leah – Did I ever mention one of my favorite things in life is the Child Exchange on the Highway or the “CEOTH” as no one calls it. Per usual, Leah is picking up the newest girl from Jeremy and he is being his normal chatterbox self. I joke. He’s mumbling pleasantries and MTV is doing their best to sub-title the shiz out of it. Bless them. Leah is squirmin’ and frettin’ as Jeremy lets Leah know he doesn’t know when he’s going to be laying the pipe again, but figures it’ll be in the dead of the winter. Ugh, don’t I know it. Although, summer usually has better odds for me. Either way, Leah blurts out that she’s bored at home during the day when the girls are in school (and when she doesn’t have any COETH to do….still no?) so she’s thinking of going back to school because if she hadn’t got knocked-to-the-up she would have gone to college and probably ran for president. I mean at this point she’d have my vote. Jeremy is being really supportive and we know this because he said, “Uh if you want to go to school, go to school.” Cool. Oddly enough I think these were also his vows. I’ll have to check out the archives to see. Anyway, Leah is also going to check out a beauty school because she wants the newest girl and the other two girls to see how important education is. I also hope they see how important it is to have a good application video when you get pregnant as a teenager. For real, any young person now should have a standard reel they can send out to any reality show. Never stop dreaming, y’all!
Later, Leah really holds true to her beauty school dreams and brings the newest girl with her to meet the beauty school owner, Catherine, who may or may not actually be Delta Burke. Congrats for anyone old enough to know who that is. Apparently there isn’t a piece of makeup Catherine didn’t like and she’s wearing it all at the same time. Good for her. W. VA is like the Milan of the United States. Sadly, Leah’s going to have to go to school for over a year from like Tuesday – Saturday, but she has the girls Thursday – Sunday so she’s in a bit of a pickle. Eh, there’s always careers available in web-cams and you can set your own hours.
In the end she asks all her girls if they want her go to school and the 2nd twin literally says, “I don’t care.” So that really wraps all that up.
Chelsea – bought a baby on the Internet.
Plus: Relive Your Favorite Quotes, Scenes & Gifs from ‘Mean Girls’ Here
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