Ok, so once in a while the stars really do align. One time all of the worldās elements combined to create the āperfect storm.ā Well, itās happened again. Saint Jennifer Lopez de la Bronx has appeared on American Idol in order to help āteach the kidsā how to sing. Really? Dance. Sure. Sing? No thank you. I mean Iām not going to ask the devil on pointers on how to be a good Catholic, so why would someone ask J. Glow pointers on how to be a good singer? Wait a minute, is Sanjaya behind this? So hereās what went down. Please note that I am ādumberā for watching thisā¦if thatās possible.
- J. Glow greets all of the kids while she is ārehearsingā for her concert. My favorite part is that she makes them all sit on the floor and she sits up high on a chair and looks down upon them.
- Scratch that, my favorite part is where Saint Jennifer says, āYeah, we watch American Idol at āmyā house.ā She makes sure that Marc Anthony knows that itās her house. Brilliant.
- Saint J now has to give advice to Melinda Doolittle. Really? I bet Melinda was like, yeah whatever. Thatās like me giving spelling lessons. It just makes no sense.
- Speaking of Melinda, is she intentionally trying to look like Condoleeza Rice? Seriously, sheās 50. Itās like watching the grandmother from āFamily Mattersā trying to perform.
- Next up, Lakisha. J. Glow teaches her how to dance. Ok, at least that I believe. Yowza, then cue Lakisha singing and āmovingā on stage. I think her boobs were technically doing the conga, but the rest of her was having a stroke. Iām very embarrassed at this point because she keeps grabbing her head. I instantly change the channel.
- Iām back, Chris Richardson is up. Heās wearing a scarf. Saint Jenny from the Block/Bronx takes another opportunity to remind us that she can speak Spanish by correcting everyone. Thank God sheās doing this because I forgot she was a Latina and I also forgot she is just a simple girl from the Bronx.
- Does Chris have tourettes? Just asking.
- Ok, now this makes sense. Jennifer Lopez is providing advice to Haley. I say both are equally bad singers. What? Just saying.
- Haley sings possibly the worst song ever, āTurn the Beat Around.ā Luckily her shorts are shorter than normal and I instantly think she is a brilliant performer. I donāt even mind the blood pouring out of my ears.
- Phil Stacey is up. Next.
- Jordan was born in Dec of 1989. Iām officially 75 years old.
- Jordan performs āThe Rhythm is Gonna Get You.ā Yeah, the rhythm actually tried to get Jordan, but it missed her. She kinda just walked in circles on the stage and moved her head to the left (to the left). Actually I like to call her style of dance, āOld White Man Wedding Dancing.ā However, bonus points for the few cameltoe shots thanks to her tight black pants.
- Blake decides to sing āI Need to Knowā by Marc Anthony. Let me guess, heās going to ābeat boxā to this song too. Yeah, we get it. Looks like I was wrong. He left the beat box at home. Why did I think his performance was retarded, yet the judges loved it? I say bring back the beat box.
- Ok, letās face it. The only reason why anyone is even watching is āSanjaya.ā
- Itās nice to see that Sanjaya is rocking the āsoaking wet perm.ā
- I really was hoping that J. Glow and S. Fro would have done a duetā¦a good old fashioned āsing-off!ā
- Sanjaya is singing something in Spanish. Scratch that. Heās āsing-talkingā again. Why canāt he just sing? Why sing-talk? And why does he have a French moustache? Iām confused.