Jennifer Lopez Teaches American Idol Kids To Sing. No One Feels the Irony. World Still Implodes.

Ok, so once in a while the stars really do align. One time all of the world’s elements combined to create the “perfect storm.” Well, it’s happened again. Saint Jennifer Lopez de la Bronx has appeared on American Idol in order to help “teach the kids” how to sing. Really? Dance. Sure. Sing? No thank you. I mean I’m not going to ask the devil on pointers on how to be a good Catholic, so why would someone ask J. Glow pointers on how to be a good singer? Wait a minute, is Sanjaya behind this? So here’s what went down. Please note that I am “dumber” for watching this…if that’s possible.
  • J. Glow greets all of the kids while she is “rehearsing” for her concert. My favorite part is that she makes them all sit on the floor and she sits up high on a chair and looks down upon them.
  • Scratch that, my favorite part is where Saint Jennifer says, “Yeah, we watch American Idol at “my” house.” She makes sure that Marc Anthony knows that it’s her house. Brilliant.
  • Saint J now has to give advice to Melinda Doolittle. Really? I bet Melinda was like, yeah whatever. That’s like me giving spelling lessons. It just makes no sense.
  • Speaking of Melinda, is she intentionally trying to look like Condoleeza Rice? Seriously, she’s 50. It’s like watching the grandmother from “Family Matters” trying to perform.
  • Next up, Lakisha. J. Glow teaches her how to dance. Ok, at least that I believe. Yowza, then cue Lakisha singing and “moving” on stage. I think her boobs were technically doing the conga, but the rest of her was having a stroke. I’m very embarrassed at this point because she keeps grabbing her head. I instantly change the channel.
  • I’m back, Chris Richardson is up. He’s wearing a scarf. Saint Jenny from the Block/Bronx takes another opportunity to remind us that she can speak Spanish by correcting everyone. Thank God she’s doing this because I forgot she was a Latina and I also forgot she is just a simple girl from the Bronx.
  • Does Chris have tourettes? Just asking.
  • Ok, now this makes sense. Jennifer Lopez is providing advice to Haley. I say both are equally bad singers. What? Just saying.
  • Haley sings possibly the worst song ever, “Turn the Beat Around.” Luckily her shorts are shorter than normal and I instantly think she is a brilliant performer. I don’t even mind the blood pouring out of my ears.
  • Phil Stacey is up. Next.
  • Jordan was born in Dec of 1989. I’m officially 75 years old.
  • Jordan performs “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You.” Yeah, the rhythm actually tried to get Jordan, but it missed her. She kinda just walked in circles on the stage and moved her head to the left (to the left). Actually I like to call her style of dance, “Old White Man Wedding Dancing.” However, bonus points for the few cameltoe shots thanks to her tight black pants.
  • Blake decides to sing “I Need to Know” by Marc Anthony. Let me guess, he’s going to “beat box” to this song too. Yeah, we get it. Looks like I was wrong. He left the beat box at home. Why did I think his performance was retarded, yet the judges loved it? I say bring back the beat box.
  • Ok, let’s face it. The only reason why anyone is even watching is “Sanjaya.”
  • It’s nice to see that Sanjaya is rocking the “soaking wet perm.”
  • I really was hoping that J. Glow and S. Fro would have done a duet…a good old fashioned “sing-off!”
  • Sanjaya is singing something in Spanish. Scratch that. He’s “sing-talking” again. Why can’t he just sing? Why sing-talk? And why does he have a French moustache? I’m confused.
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