I don’t want to oversell this, but the best show that has ever been created is going to air on May 12th. I, of course, am talking about The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I’m almost speechless. Almost. To me, the Real Housewives of New Jersey seems like it’s going to be “The Naked Gun” of the entire Housewivesseries. My crystal ball may have a crack in it (and filled with crack) but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we are sure to capture every single Jersey stereotype that exists…and we’ll probably see some new ones that are about to exist. I plan on recapping the absolute piss out of this show. I may type so much that I’ll break each of my fingers. Well, let’s hope not because I am sans health insurance. Speaking of which, can anyone prescribe me the Z-pack? I just want it “just in case.” Anydirty, below is a snippet of each of these characters. Buckle up!
Teresa Giudice: No surprise that Teresa is born and raised in Jersey. She’ll be playing the “Kim Zoliack” of the group, I predict. It looks like she took Kim’s weave and rubbed shoe polish all over it to darken it up. As a sidenote, she also reminds me of Dottie from “Truelife: I’m a Jersey Shore Girl.” Teresa is married to some rich dude and raises 3 kids. They’ll likely hate her for this in 10-15 years.
Jacqueline Laurita: I’ll have to confirm, but I think that Jacqueline is really Jamie from MTVs “Rich Girls.” Ok, it’s not, but this is what I assume she would have looked like as an adult. She also has a Ricki Lake vibe. Jacqueline owns some apparel businesses and worked in Vegas for a while. Boring.
Dina Manzo: Dina totally looks like a dude, so her last name is fitting. Layup joke alert. Dina Man,So? is an interior designer and sister of Caroline and her rich husband owns a catering company. I predict Dina will be getting into a weave-chicken-fight with Teresa, who, at this point, still seems to be my favorite based on looks alone.
Danielle Staub: Danielle looks like a younger and less cracked out version of Cuntess Lu Ann Delessepps. Danielle says, “You either love me or you love to hate me, there is no in between.” I hate you.
Caroline Manzo: Sister of Dina, married for 25 years, and owns 2 successful businesses (not after this!). Caroline completes the all-white cast and isn’t really compared to any other housewife in the series. Ugh. If I wanted to watch an old woman with spiked hair I’d put in reruns of Webster and see what Ma’am Paupadopolis is up to. Oopa!
This is sure to be an absolute disaster. I love how they’re intentionally bringing this series into the gutter. As a way to prepare for the wonder that is New Jersey, I order you suggest you buy some awesome New Jersey t-shirts NOW at www.JerseySucks.net. Get them now before everyone else and be the trendsetter before your douche-bag friends think of it. You’ll thank me later.