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Get your Barker’s Beauties weave out of the waffle iron because it’s time to discuss another touching episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County. Remember when we all were in awe about how much money these people had? I’m pretty sure Tamra is moving into an apartment with the same kitchen cabinets as I had my senior year of college in campus housing. However, who am I to judge? Oh wait.
Anyzincpinklipstick, I must admit that overall the crapisode was a bit of a snooze. I miss people with Jersey accents who beat the bag out of each other on the regular, I guess. This time around we’re all supposed to be interested in Gretchen’s multiple business ventures and Slade working for her. Personally I’d rather watch footage of Gina’s husband and kids berating her on national television, but that’s just me and I have deep rooted mental problems that even proper science and modern medicine can’t handle. Oh, and is it intentional that Slade and Gretchen dress like they’re shooting an ad for Salem menthol cigarettes? It’s like, we get it…you both enjoy wearing all white at all times. I just think we’d all appreciate it if whilst Slade (a man) is wearing white linen pants he also wear underpants with them. Gretchen, however, is allowed to not wear a bra at all times as it is nearly impossible to decipher if she is even standing frontwards or backwards.
Meanwhile, Tamra is still trying to make us believe that she has lesbian tendencies. Again, prove it. Wear clunky shoes. Carry around a lot of keys. Sport a fleece vest. Play the alphabet game with your tongue and a slice of watermelon. Do something. Plus, no one cares. Really, no one does. And, honestly, Tamra’s son is more a lez than she is.
Oh Jesus. And there’s a new housewife in town. She pretends she’s this big blond rich bombshell, yet the universe decides differently as her name is Peg. Oh, and please (for the love of sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom, Mary) save the hate mail. I’m sure your name is Peg or your daughters name is Peg or there is some Peg somewhere that I’m insulting. Relax. It’s still, quite possibly, the least sexy name out there. Look at this for example: “Why don’t you come over here and let me take all your clothes off, PEG.” Or, “How ’bout you start bobbing for apples in my lap, PEG.” Or maybe even this, “Whoa! Did you see the rack on PEG!?” See? It doesn’t really work now does it? Her name might as well be Peg Mildred Bonnie McDingDong-Shrinker.
Anyway, sexy Peg is friends with Alexis who is ready for free session at Glamor Shots at a moments notice and she’s pretty competitive with Peg too. Whilst they are overdressed to go to the park with their kids they battle it out left and right over whose kids are smarter, prettier, better in school, and signed to a model agency. At one point I’m almost certain that Alexis told Peg (burp) that her daughter is the best in her class because she listens the most and the other Olsen Twin can write squiggles the best in her class. Wow! I’m sure NASA is going to want to hear about this! And Peg’s daughter can speak very well for her age. Great. Well I’m glad these kids are so “advance” because they’re going to have to start articulating at a young age that their moms aren’t porn-star-sluts just back from a dumpster gang bang. I hope that one twin can squiggle that.
Meanwhile, Vicki was out in tropical Seattle for an insurance conference. Oh, and she made sure to yell out “woo hoo!” about 500 times this episode. Seriously, “woo hoo” is just about as outplayed as “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Willis!?” Please stop, please stop at once. Vicki brought her daughter and all the people from her office that apparently work for her to Seattle. So let me get this right, Vicki is the boss and yet they’re all staying in the same room as Vicki? How’s your HR issues? After a day/night of drinking everyone was in bed with each other and Vicki ripped the sheets off the one little Asian dude that works for her, looked at his underwear and then slapped his ass. Sure, that’s normal. Actually, what the F do I care. That sounds like a dream come true. In fact, that’s actually what happens around the offices of IBBB. Well, except I’m the only one who works here. Basically, I spank myself. Was that not clear?
Also, too and also, and also, Vicki’s daughter Blah Gunvalson was all freaked out because some dude at the bar was feeling up Vicki’s arm. Really? I’m sure that really wasn’t the case. I mean, no one that’s ever watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas thought at the end, “You know what would have made this way better? If one of the Who’s got felt up.” Watching Vicki in a possible affair-like situation made me slam my laptop shut on my Diddly-Do-Dingitty-Dong until I passed out and came to with scenes of Peg. I then repeated the process.
Oh, and know what I forgot to mention about Peg? She shoots guns with her husband for fun. In fact she wears tight jeans, huge heals, and some kind of J-Lo shirt that’s missing the back but, instead, has all gold rope-like chains holding the whole thing together. Peg looked hot. See? That sentence doesn’t work. Plus there’s something off with her. Almost like she may or may not be “with penis.” Plus in typical Housewife-franchise manner, she is way to old to have hair down to her waist yet she does it. She could also be the sister of Alexis. This is what I assume the Olsen Sluts to look like in about 20 years (if they were on stilts…and really trash bagged it up).
And the episode wouldn’t be complete without a gym scene. This time around, Tamra and Alexis head to the gym with full faces of makeup caked on and their hair professionally done. What a real shame. I bet the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit all hate Alexis. Just me? After working out for 14 seconds, the “ladies” decide to go and grab a drink. This is the part the scared me the most. At first I was like, “Oh cool it’s the same lighting as on The Hills” but then I was like, “Oh, it’s the same lighting that’s on The Hills” meaning that both Tamra and Alexis looked like they were trying to spook each other and “the America.” Seriously it was scary. Tamra looked like friggin’ Medusa and Alexis looked like someone was trying to set Barbie’s plastic face on fire with a hairdryer. I also don’t know what that last part meant. But you get it. Anyway, their conversation was absolute rag-time-bull-sh*t and Alexis was trying to paint the picture that she’s some hot mom who cooks and cleans and then she actually calls herself “Bev Cleaver.” Huh? Did she mean June Cleaver but was kinda thinking about “the Beav.” I bet that makes two of them since Tamra loves to lez it up she’s always got “the beav” on her mind. I would have been like, “Wipe the drool from your mouth you filthy lez.” Ok, I’m done. Oh wait, Tamra is actually trying to tell Alexis that her husband is controlling her just like Simon controlled Tamra, but Alexis isn’t seeing the light. I’m sure at one point when Alexis has to explain her black-eye to the girls in the sewing circle, she’ll finally get it.
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