Real Housewives of Orange County: Tom Cruise Would Hate Peggy

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Well folks if you ever wondered what it would have been like if Cindy-Lou Who went on Spring Break, well, wonder no more.  Vicki and Tamra have headed to Cabo San Lucas for a girls only long weekend as Vicki has convinced Tamra that she needs to “court her” and make it up to her for talking behind her back last season.  Sure, that all makes sense.  I also think it makes complete sense that these women always choose to go to the same exact spot that “the kids” from Laguna Beach Season One would go to on the regular.  I was waiting to see LC and Kristin getting into a chicken fight in the pool all while Lo and Stephen did jello shots in the filthy piss-infested hot tub.  But, alas, we were forced to watch their elderly parents, Vicki and Tamra, try to figure out how to do tequila shots in their hotel room.  And it was quite the struggle.  The Nana’s couldn’t figure out if they were supposed to suck the lime first and then lick the salt and then take the shot or just shove the whole shot up their “gentlemen greeter” and then delicately place the lime up their bum bum.  It was a real tough call.  How did Tamra not know how to do Tequila since her trash-box husband used to make it and sell it out of his trunk?

But this episode wasn’t all drunken roses (sold by an old woman in the the center of town outside of the local tourist bar) because Peggy really felt the need to kick us in the nuts and make us feel bad about making fun of her possibly having a penis in the last two crapisodes.  Apparently, for the past three years Peggy has been suffering from postpartum depression and not only is she filming a documentary about it, but she’s also getting filmed for RHOC.  It’s like a double shot of depressing scenes.  Oh, and you know who would totally hate Peggy (besides her daughter in about 15 years for telling us all that she wanted to throw herself down the stairs whilst pregnant)?  Tom Cruise.  I’m pretty sure he hates postpartum depression.  Or maybe it was just taking medication for it?  I can’t remember.  All I know is that at one point Peggy claims that she was talking to her sister on the phone and begged her to keep her on the line because she was afraid she was going to go upstairs and “get the gun.”  Ok, here’s the deal.  I actually don’t think that postpartum depression is funny.  Go figure.  But, all kidding aside, um if you’re having some mind issues and have wanted to shoot yourself and have guns in the house to do so, it might be time to take the guns out of the house.  I mean, give them to me.  I’m ready to shoot myself just watching all this doom and gloom.  However, Peggy doesn’t disappoint in her last minute messaging when she lets everyone know that “it doesn’t matter where you live or what your looks are like because it can happen to anyone.”  Pretty much, she wants to let you know that even if you’re as “beautiful” as her or live in a gigantic house like her you, too, can suffer from postpartum depression.  Let’s face it, I’m sans vag but I can totally relate to postpartum, as The Hills has been off the air now for over 1 year and, well, let’s just say that I think about it, alright.  I. Think. About. It.

If Alexis didn’t look like Reba McEntire’s slutty niece she should probably just record and auto-tuned Christian-themed song.  You know, something like “The 10 Commandments Can’t Buy You Class.”  However, instead of selling out that way she’s randomly decided to start up her own dress line because she feels that all “moms like her” can and should look like her.  Because at the end of the day it makes total sense to look like a mix of J Lo and Charro whilst running errands and going to the gym.  Seriously, she’s the worst.  Scratch that, this is the worst.  Scratch that, I’m the worst for continuing to watch this.  Either way, I have not much else going on so this brings some form of joy to my life.  I should bring this up in therapy.  Anynewnose, Alexis and her husband made an agreement that he’ll front her the money for this hoochie-coochie dress line, but the second that it starts to take focus off of her husband or her kids, Jim is shutting the dress line down.  Sure, that sounds like a wise investment.  I shouldn’t care, but why in the holy hell can’t Alexis have her own thing beside just taking care of her Level III life partner and her talented children (i.e, listening and good scribble writer)?  Her Level III is basically saying, “the second you start to make something of your life outside of being our slave, it’s over.”  Trash box.  Besides, God must already be kind of pissed at Alexis because she’s cheating on him with her husband.  Eh, I’m sure they’ll discuss that whilst she’s at the Gates of Heaven.

You know what I couldn’t care less about?  Trying to figure out if Gretchen and Slade are going to possibly get engaged and married by the end of the season.  I also don’t think Gretchen’s on-going joke about “having a lease” instead of getting married is funny at all.  It doesn’t even make any sense.  And I could almost care even less if her dad is ok with her having a baby “out of wedlock.”  This is the like the Prince William and Kate Middelton hoopla.  Couldn’t give 2 sh*ts.  Therefore, I’m moving on.

Meanwhile, back in Cabo Vicki and Tamra continue their drinking binge and talk about a wide variety of topics ranging from Tamra being forced to “write vows” to Vicki on what a friendship means to her and then reading it to her the following day…to more fun topics like Tamra and Vicki’s vaginasteins.  Sure.  Tamra is like a pig in heat and claiming that she’s having (puke) sex with (burp) Eddie for 5 hours a day and “walking like a cowboy afterwards.”  I’m sure her 4 children are beaming with pride watching this back.  Then things get even worse when Vicki starts talking about how her gentlemen greeter is perfect and doesn’t need any work.  Rumor has it that back in Whoville, Vicki’s vagina grew three sizes that day.

Later, the aging Olsen Twins spend some more time drinking in the pool and that’s where they run into a Donn lookalike.  No joke, there’s some dude in the pool who looks exactly like Vicki’s husband.  At first I thought it actually was him, but then I remembered Vicki’s rule of never inviting her husband on any trips with her and, oh yeah, also her rule of hating her husband on the regular.  This guy may actually be a bit of a fan because he’s even “woo-hoo’ing” without even being asked to.  And, as if things couldn’t get more awkward, Tamra decides to continue pushing through her midlife crisis and having some random chick do body shot off her her whilst she lays down on the bar in her bikini.  Look, I’m not saying that once you hit your 40’s you should be hanging it up, but I mean, come on.  A bikini and body shots?  I’m embarrassed for her.  Plus, pre-nup does not make her hotter.  What does that even mean?

Back on the mainland, Peggy and her family head out in their Bentley to Palm Springs to go swimming.  Oh, and did I mention that Peggy’s “push present” was her Bentley?  For those of you wondering what a “push present” is apparently it’s the gift you get for having a human shoot out of your body.  Remember when that gift was flowers?  Times they are-a-changin’.  Her husband should have given her the gift of a lock-box for those damn guns.  What?  I make jokes when situations make me feel uncomfortable.  Anyway, whilst at the pool one of Peggy’s kids cuts her finger on some picture frame thing that’s on the chairs they’re sitting on and starts bleeding all over the place.  Peggy basically loses her sh*t.  I’m sure her balls were up inside her stomach at this point.  Hey-oh!  There’s nothing I love more than Peggy male genitalia jokes.  Week.  After.  Week.  She ends up making her husband (who’s basically giving her the side-eye the whole time) take the the baby to the emergency room in case she needs stitches.  Peggy and the other baby stays poolside whilst her husband as to play a round of “Tame the Crazy.”  Breathe a sigh of relief, America, because the baby did not need stitches after all.

In the end, Tamra ends up reciting her made up vows to Vicki as they sit on their hotel balcony and watch the fireworks and continue to make lesbian references every 5th sentence.  It’s nice that these two are friends again as Vicki will need some additional support since her marriage is in the process of crashing and burning.  Poor Don.  But, at the same time, lucky Don.  Now he can finally be free to be with Brianna.  Gross.

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