Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Lynn Looks as Crispy as Her Cuffs

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Well folks, here we are again.  Bravo is spewing out “Real Housewives” seasons like Scooby Doo sequels being released direct to DVD.  This time we are blessed by Santa Christ to catch up with the Real Housewives of Orange County.  Spoiler Alert: Everyone is f*ckin’ broke as a joke.  However, some things have remained the same in these difficult economic times.  Lynn is as crispy as can be, Tamra and Vicki are porno blond, Gretchen is the love of my life, and Jeana is still getting yelled at by her kid.  This is all very comforting.  Here’s what went down on The Real Housewives of Orange County:

  • We kick things off with Vicki and her kids going sky-diving.  This of course means that Vicki is dressed to go to “da club” and walks on the runway with high-heels and her Louis Vuitton purse because, you know, any of that makes sense.  We as viewers are lucky to be watching this because if you’ve ever wanted to see Vicki have a stroke, now is the time.  She says that she’s so scared that she can’t even get out a “woo-hoo.”  Really Vicki?  Still doing the “woo-hoo?”  After 3 or 4 seasons the “woo-hoo” has really become the “You got it dude” from Full House and the “What you talkin’ about, Willis?” from Differnt Strokes.  However, watching Vicki’s face as she is floating in air is a real treat.  And I actually mean watching her face.  It kinda looked like a beaver trying to cross the street during a hurricane,  Haha, beaver.
  • Poor Jeana.  No literally, poor Jeana.  Her income is down 2/3rds and she claims she’s not good at budgeting so she’s asking her 17 year old son, Colton, to help her budget her money.  Colton must not have seen any of the previous episodes of this show because he still is being a d*ck to his mom on national television.  Good luck with Colton, ladies.  He looks like a hitter!
  • Tamraaaaa is having a red carpet party because her daughter just finished drama camp?  I have no idea what that means.  Tamra’s marriage is on the rocks and we are now seeing every little comment that she and Simon will make to each other.  Simon gets pissed at Tamra when she makes a “teabag” comment because, you know, suddenly he is the epitome of class.  Does anyone want to tell Tamra how old she is and that her “look” is perfect for season 2 of 90210.  Can’t money fix that?
  • Gretchen is cleaning out her garage with her new boyfriend, Slade.  You may remember Slade from season one, dating Jo.  Now he’s dating good old Gretch.  People are going to talk smack about her dating someone shortly after her finance died.  I say who gives an F?  She could have been banging Slade during the funeral whilst the priest looked on.  I’m not going to judge her because, again, she’s hot and she should be allowed to do anything because she’s hot.  I have a high moral compass, clearly. 
  • Know what else I like about Gretchen?  The way she cackles at her own jokes during the interview portion of the show.  I always suffer from second and thirdhand embarrassment when she does that.  I would also like her to only reference Tamra as “Tamraaaaaa” like she did during the “drunk episode” from last season.  Here’s to hoping.
  • Oh Lynn.  Lynn, Lynn, Lynn.  Oh my little Lynn.  My little overcooked Lynn.  Lynn is selling her Buddy Bands cuffs like a whore selling her body on the corner during a recession.  Lynn’s husbands construction business is failing and so Lynn is hoping that her “cuffs” are going to save the family…and the world!  Lynn also informs us that she is a businesswoman now is turning into Vicki.  If she’s really turning into Vicki she better brace herself for that mack truck about to hit her face going 100 mph.
  • Vicki and Donn are cleaning up their yard and their marriage all at the same time.  After Vicki trashed Donn all last season she’s trying to be as nice as can be to him.  Also, if I have to hear Vicki say “love-tank” anymore I’m going to perform murder-suicide in my apartment….and I live alone….so that’s going to be tricky.
  • Later Vicki and Tamra go for a bitches lunch where they just bitch about Gretchen and others.  They probably don’t like Gretchen because they could be her grandmother.  How come whenever someone compliments Vicki on something new she is wearing she always gives them too much information?  Tamra likes Vicki’s new ring so she says, “thanks, it’s 6 carats.”  Class act.
  • Tamra fills us all in about Gretchen’s Internet pictures that consist of her posing with a vibrator with a cord.  Both Vicki and Tamra are horrified by this.  I’m horrified by the fact that as they discuss this I get a mental image of Vicki using the vibrator with the cord, but instead of seeing Vicki, I’m seeing a woodchuck and instead of a vibrator with a cord I”m seeing a concrete mixer.  But that’s just me.  You may have your own images.
  • The “next day” Lynn and Tamra go to workout together.  Lynn is sporting her crisp and Tamra is sporting her Lauren Conrad braid.  What a shame.  We do learn, however, that Lynn may be going in for some cosmetic neck surgery.  Why am thinking that she’ll still tan when she’s in recovery and then she’s just going to look like an Oreo?  Lynn doesn’t want Tamra to tell anyone that she may be getting this neck surgery.  Uh, hi Lynn?  Yeah, how are you?  Good?  Awesome.  Um, there’s a camera crew around you filming this and you’re wearing a microphone…and you just said words…out loud…and we have ears….so we heard them.  So, yeah, even if Tamra doesn’t tell anyone, I think that cat is officially out of the bag.  Poor Lynn.
  • I may be lapsed into a coma at one point, but when I came to I saw Lynn’s daughter Alexa in a bikini, jumping up and down on a sidewalk, and screaming for people to come into the store.  Lynn was so proud of her underage daughter frolicking like a true skank.
  • In the end Lynn is having a random get-together-dinner-party at the Saint Regis and Kelly to show off her new cuffs.  Seriously, enough with the cuffs.  All the “girls” are going to support Lynn and wear her cuffs and say “cuffs” and reference “cuffs.”  It’s all about the cuffs.  I’ve never said “cuffs” more in my life. 
  • Oh and I forgot to mention that Vicki and Jeana haven’t spoke in 6-weeks after Jeana called Vicki asking her for money and Vicki denied her.  Ouch.  Later she switched real-estate agents too.  Yowza.  That Vicki, what a real pistol.
  • Vicki won’t wear any of Lynn’s cuffs because she doesn’t like the “biker” look.  I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to wear the cuffs because I think they will melt into your skin and then combust.  Vicki may be a tool-timer, but she’s smart.  Remember what happened on Saved By the Bell when Zack got that group deal on the senior rings and their fingers turned green?  Similar concept.
  • You could cut the tension with a facelift knife between Gretchen and Tamra.  Vicki adds fuel to the fire by making the situation even more awkward…probably because Vicki is still the insecure school girl that got picked last during the dam building contest.
  • The trainwreck dinner shall comense.  I was hoping for a table-flip via the Housewives of New Jersey, but it only consisted of a shouting match between Tamra and Gretchen.  Every now and then Lynn would chime in with a question she had and Jeana would say, “oh come on that’s hurtful.”  Tamra says she doesn’t want to be friends with the hooker from Orange County, but I thought she was the hooker from Orange County…no?  Oh wait, no no.  She’s the lady who has sex with her creepy son…from Orange County.  My mistake. 
  • They’re also talking about talking smack about each other in the the press.  See? THIS is what I’m talking about that they should be doing on The Hills.  At least these fried-out-bitches acknowledge the fact that they’re on a television show. 
  • In the end Gretchen tells Tamra to shut the F up.  Sweet.  Notice how during the fight everyone was wearing Lynn’s cuff?  Brilliant.  THIS should be Lynn’s infomercial.  Just a thought.

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