Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: From a Cuff Party to a Tanning Party

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  • So does Bravo know that we saw the “fight” episode last week at Lynne’s Cuffs Fiesta?  Yeah, so how come this time when they’re showing it the conversation is a bit…uh…different?  Do they not think that losers like me sit home on the weekends, hungover, watching this crap on repeat?  Actually, that’s a lie.  I watch it on repeat, but I flip back and forth from the episode of Full House when Papouli died, and Real Housewives.  I believe it’s the circle of life right before my very eyes.
  • Tamraaaaa and Vicki Beaverteeth peace out of the “Cuffs Party” in a huff, but Jeana stays behind with Lynne and Gretchen to discuss what just went down.  Now I don’t want to say that Gretchen deserves to give me credit for blogging that Tamra was white-trash last season (and then I emailed that blog post to her…and then she responded…laughing….true story), but I smiled from sideburn to sideburn when Gretchen told Jeana that Tamra was, in fact, white-trash.  Bravo, Gretchen, bravo.
  • Tamraaa and Vicki Beaverteeth are basically roaming the hallways of the hotel, but stopping at about every 6 or 7 doors to talk smack and let us all know that Gretchen received $1.7 million from her fiance, Jeff.  Now while we don’t know if this is true, Tamraaa seems to think so and, oddly enough, we learn at the end of the episode that Tamraaa’s house is now valued at only $1.7 million so perhaps Gretch can fork over that money to Tamraaa so that she doesn’t have to return to the trailer park. 
  • Oh, and go buy Lynne’s Cuffs.  I guess.  I have no idea.
  • Well nothing can ease the problems of the Cuff Party quite like a Tanning Party at Gretchen’s house.  Do they know that you can’t just take a word in the dictionary and then add the word “party” after it and claim something like that exists?  Cuff Party?  Tanning Party?  Can I have “Murder-Suicide Party” between this show, my computer, and my beer?  Wait, was I just in a three-way?
  • Anytoomuchperoxide, it’s time to spray-tan the boobs off Lynne.  Apparently Slade, who “surprisingly” does anything he can to appear on television, is spray tanning with a sock over his “Mr Winkyson.”  Either that or he’s had the penis of Ike Turner transplanted onto him.  Eh, semantics. 
  • My girl Gretchen is getting sprayed and all is right with the world.  I’m just about to thanks Jesus Claus that Vicki isn’t at this party because the thought of spray-tanning her forces me to think of shooting a woodchuck with a firehose and that’s just too much for me to handle…when all of a sudden Lynne jumps into the tanning tent of horror.  She decides to go tits-to-the-wind and claims she doesn’t want tan lines, but then Gretchen uses the same hands that she used to steal Jeff’s money (I jest) to cover up Lynne’s Too-Can-Sams.  Just another day in the OC.
  • Oh did I mention that Lynne’s daughter was begging for a beer at the party?  Lynne keeps telling her “no” but she has this perm-a-grin on her face when she says “no.”  Seriously, she’s like The Joker.  I was to slash her mouth and then write “Why So Serious” across her face.
  • Bonus Points:  We get a flash back of Gretchen, hammered, yelling “Tamraaaaa.”  How much could I pay Gretchen to call my cell and yell that so I can make it my outgoing voicemail message?
  • I bet if Gretchen spray-tanned Jeff he would have stayed alive.
  • Wait a second.  Stop the press.  Vicki doesn’t look like a beaver (a little like a woodchuck, though)…she looks like one of the “Who’s” from Whoville!  New Nickname Alert: Vicki-Lou Who.
  • Tamraaaa and Vicki-Lou Who head out to lunch so that they can discuss how broke Tamraaa is and how they have to sell their house thanks to her husbands craptastic tequila business.  Strange how we’re in a recession, yet the one industry that has increased in sales has been the alcohol industry, yet he can’t sell tequila.  It must be his award-winning personality that’s preventing people from drinking.  How does that saying go?  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, foreclosed.
  • Ugh Jeana is broke still too.  She must sell some $12 million home and make $300K in commission in order to not lose her house.  I started feeling bad for her situation until I thought of her making $300K to survive and me making my own iced coffee at home in order to save $1.75 per day.  Yeah, I’m not feeling so bad anymore.  Kiss a cock, Jeana.
  • Meanwhile, Vicki-Lou Who and Breanna are packing to go to Italy as a way to celebrate Breanna graduating her 7-year nursing program in 3 years.  Yeah, that makes me feel safe.  Ugh, and now I’m picturing Vicki-Lou Who in Italy sucking up angel-hair pasta whilst yelling “woo-hooo!”  Fail.
  • Alright.  So.  Ok.  As you know this blog is all about cheap smut jokes and the like.  I never take a real stance on anything, for the most part, but let’s talk about Lynne and her daughter going to the plastic surgeon.  Lynne is going to basically get her eyebrows removed and stapled back up on her forehead and I think they’re going to saw off her cheeks and hold her neck back with duct tape.  Fine, I get it.  Her daughter, Raquel, is getting a nose job.  I don’t hate her for that.  Fine, I get it.  If you think it will make you look better, do it.  If I wasn’t brewing my own iced-coffee to save a buck, I’d get a full face transplant.  However, what I do have an issue with is Lynne actually thinking AND SAYING OUT LOUD that she thinks she’s setting a good example for her daughters so that when they turn 80 they look as good as her.  By the time Lynne turns 80 she will have officially turned into a belt.
  • While Lynne thinks she’s doing good for her daughters, when they’re at lunch and they tell the other daughter, Alexa, that they’re both getting plastic surgery the poor girl cries and has to go into the bathroom.  I assume she has a case of explosive diaherria, but when Lynne follows her in we learn that she is upset because she doesn’t want them to change their appearance and just stay the same.  No joke, the girl is crying and you just hear Lynne going “Awwwww awwwwww awwwww, is that all this is about?”  Really Lynne?  Really?  This isn’t enough?  I mean now would be the perfect time from Alexa to tell Lynne that she’s knocked up and all, but I think this is enough of a reason for the tears.  I could have only wished that Lynne said, “Awwww awwww awwww, is that all this is about?  Do you want one of my cuffs?   Do you want to throw your own cuff party? Awwwww.”
  • Due to the recession and Tamraaaa having to let go of her $500/month maid, she has decided to turn her home into a sweat-shop and her kids are now fighting over who gets to scrub the toilet. Ahhhh the novelty.
  • Jeana’s daughter got new boobs.  That’s about all that’s new with her.  She is sadly not a train-wreck so there’s not much to say about her.  She’s smart, pretty, and she doesn’t drink.  She has nothing in common with what goes on around this here blog.
  • Vicki-Lou Who and her family trip in Italy continues.  They’re at a restaurant.  There are language barriers.  I couldn’t care less.  Although, Vicki-Lou Who does play the role of the loud obnoxious American very well.  I was confused, however, when she said she thought the waiter would be excited that there was a hot blond at the table.  Really?  Where? Is she talking about her mother?
  • Tamraaa and her husband have dinner with Alexis the new housewife who only got about 2 minutes of camera time this crapisode.  So, um, yeah, err…uh…like, she has a penis and balls, right?
  • Anyway, all good things must come to an end, which includes this episode and Tamraaa’s house.  They’re meeting with a “specialist” to go over what the deal is with their home, how much it’s worth, etc.  Tamraaa is visibly upset at the loss of her home since she brought her daughter home to that house, etc.  While my heart is black and rotting, even I did feel a little bad.  The economy sucks for everyone….even rich people.  It’s tough when you don’t to be as rich as you were before the market sank.
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